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I Didn't Realize My Daughter was Grieving the Loss of Me


Rhonda R

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My daughter has really been struggling lately.  Panic attacks, wanting to transfer colleges and move home, and wanting to take a little time off school.  She is finishing her junior year of nursing.  She hasn't been eating or sleeping.  I had a therapy appointment on Wednesday and took her with me and what I learned in that session is that not only is she grieving the loss of Randy, she's grieving the loss of me and who I used to be.  She knows I will never be the same person again.  She understands but she is also very sad about it.  She worries about me constantly.  She is mad that her dad "has it all" and I've "lost everything."  I guess along this path, I've contributed all the losses that everyone is feeling to Randy.  I never stopped to think about the losses related to me.  I don't feel guilty for this, it's no one's fault.  It's just....sad.  I know that eventually pieces of me will come back, some already have, but I also know that the inner glow is gone.  The complete and utter fulfillment I felt is gone and there is nothing I can do about that.  I hope what my girls do learn from this is that your life can be utterly shattered and you can still pick yourself up and keep going.  I do believe that this situation has taken my blinders off, I'm definitely more empathetic than I used to be and that's a good thing.  This whole thing has taught me to really look beyond myself.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though what I have gained can NEVER be outweighed by what I have lost and I will NEVER be grateful for it, I have learned some things along the way. 

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I never stopped to think about the losses related to me.  I don't feel guilty for this, it's no one's fault.  It's just....sad.

 

Rhonda, 

I appreciate your post very much.  It has made me think more seriously about how my grief impacts others.

Peace,

Gail

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On ‎1‎/‎10‎/‎2020 at 11:03 PM, Gail 8588 said:

But, I do want to make changes in my behavior to be more present in the lives of the people I care about.

Exactly.  I can't apologize for my grief, nor will I.  But, as I gain some strength and realize that I do still have a life to live and people who love me, I want to try to be more present for them.  Perfectly put.  I guess that's what you meant about a better 2020?  I still have a way to go on my grief journey but I finally feel like I am not sliding down a deep hill.  Instead of feeling the loss of his love every day, I feel his love deep within me, giving me strength. 

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MODArtemis2019
On 1/10/2020 at 9:48 AM, Rhonda R said:

I do believe that this situation has taken my blinders off, I'm definitely more empathetic than I used to be and that's a good thing.  This whole thing has taught me to really look beyond myself.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though what I have gained can NEVER be outweighed by what I have lost and I will NEVER be grateful for it, I have learned some things along the way. 

I feel the same way. Oddly enough, I think I have more patience now. And sometimes when get stressed at work, I think, "Nothing can be worse than what I went through with my husband. Everything else is just stuff."  Perspective. 

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15 hours ago, Artemis2019 said:

"Nothing can be worse than what I went through with my husband. Everything else is just stuff."

So true!  Grief does have a way of putting everything in perspective.  We no longer sweat the small stuff.  And we know what's important and what isn't.  And we know if we can survive this loss, we can surely make it through other things that seem lesser in perspective.  Still taking one day at a time though...

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I am glad I came across this post and that I watched the movie Instant Family.   Both made me realize that I hadn’t been doing a very good job of telling my daughter what she means to me and how much I love her.  
 

Before her dad passed away we got hugs and kisses goodnight and said I love you’d before bed.   Since he died it is like we both stopped trying. I aim to change that. I think often we avoid the tough stuff because all of it still makes us so incredibly sad.  Saying I love you, goodnight and giving hugs should be easy except “Tucks in” was our nightly family ritual.   We are missing an essential part of that ritual so it is hard to try to carry on.  

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I think just sharing that with each other is going to help heal you both.  Painful for sure, but only you two understand this loss.  There are so many different types of loss with death.  Some, as a wife only we know, but some, as a family we all know and share.  It's almost impossible to be present for anyone else when you are in that raw, raw grief stage.  I think it's incredible that you are able to look outside yourself and say, I'm going to do better for my daughter.  

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