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2020 Building a New Life


Gail 8588

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So many of us struggle with feelings of emptiness, finding no joy in life, feeling numb and disconnected to life. I have expressed this in many posts.  I just went through my third Christmas and New Year's without John and the sadness and pain was in many ways worse than the prior two years.

I feel like I must find a new way forward in 2020.  I have to find a way to be content with the life I have, rather than long for the life I had.  

It is my goal that in 2020, I really work on establishing a new life for myself that is okay.  I don't expect it to be great, or as meaningful and comfortable as my life with John.  But one where I do feel some connection to this world, where I have some level of happiness.

This 3 year walk with grief has been such a confusing time, it is hard to even see how there can be a path out of it.  I live with such overwhelming fear of all the possible terrible things that could happen to me, yet I long for the peace that death would bring.  If I don't fear death, then why do I feel so vulnerable and frightened. It makes no sense.  I vacillate between being in so much pain that I think I may physically die from my broken heart, and feeling so numb that I don't believe I would feel any pain from an actual tramatic injury.  But under it all, I know I do want to live.  I just don't want to live like this.

So in this topic, I am going to try to share with you all how I am progressing on figuring out how to live.  I really hope that this time next year, I'll be posting that the holidays were better.

Wishing all of you a year of healing and strength as we all find our way forward. 

Peace

Gail

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Gail, what you say is true.  It took me three years to process my grief about as far as I could...sure I've learned a lot since, but that first three years was trying to wrap my head around it and adjust to living without him...that is, as much as I could.  It took me years more to find purpose and to build a life I could live.  It may not take others as long as it did me if they have friends that stuck by them and time to work on relationships, but I was commuting long distance to work and had to start from scratch with friends, so it took me a while.  I made a very close friend and...then she moved.  I haven't had anyone as close since but was getting there with someone, and yeah, you guessed it, her husband wants to move.  I'm in ladies groups and interact with others but oh gosh it's taken me so long, but I feel I've made some progress, it's just not quite where I'd like it to be yet.  I struggle with this.  After a restless anxiety-ridden night I woke up feeling discontent, but the nights are always the hardest for me.  I tell myself to give it to morning, I'll feel better.  I lost my wonderful companion, Arlie, and now it looks like I'll soon lose Kitty.  Fortunately my son got me a puppy, Kodie, at least that gives me reason I have to live, I don't want to let this little guy down.  But some people aren't pet people, they take a lot of work and commitment, so that isn't an answer for some.  There's no one size fits all, is there?

You are on the right track and I wish you well going forward, your outlook is good and that will aid you.

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

But some people aren't pet people, they take a lot of work and commitment, so that isn't an answer for some. 

Most of the time, I can barely take care of myself and what absolutely has to be done.  I keep up with the basics (getting out of bed and into clean clothes; showering and basic grooming; seeing the dentist and doctors; trying to stay in touch with family/friends).  My dental hygenist, who is my age and a casual friend who also knew my husband, commented at my first cleaning/exam after my love died that she was relieved to see I hadn't given up on basic self-care.  She said she's seen widows/widowers who come in 2 years later with horrible problems.  I have to admit that I'm not really very good at the other "has to be done" most of the time, but my goal this year is to try a little harder and not procrastinate so much (a life-long issue for me).

I have considered getting a cat (or two) from one of our local shelters, but that will have to be in the future.  In the meantime, I have friends' little dog for companionship without the commitment.  Every Thursday, they both have really long days.  So at lunch time, I go across the street and take their little one for a walk.  Then we come back to my house for the afternoon.  We have play time, treat time, snuggle time, etc.  Then her mom or dad come pick her up about 5 or 5:30.  Once in a while, we'll have an evening together if her people are out late or we'll have an additional day with a shorter afternoon walk, play, and snuggle.  It's been a great connection to that simple innocence of having an animal's love, but without any of the day-to-day responsibility.  I think in some ways companion animals keep us not just grounded, but also closer to our soulmates.  It's almost as if their innocence gives them a direct connection to the universe and all that we cannot understand while we're still here on earth, in whatever form we believe.

This year's resolutions:  Don't procrastinate so much; lose the weight I gained while my husband was ill and in the first several months after (that's 25 lb plus the 15 lb I already needed to lose) as my cortisol levels continue to trend to normal (only 3x high now; 5x right after my love died); start really learning to forgive myself and begin the long process of turning my crushing guilt into the regret and loss it should be.  I will not stop talking to my husband and I will not put on "the brave face" I have been.  If I'm having a bad day, so be it.  If I need to say "No, thank you," then I will.  And I will not under any circumstances feel like I need to justify who and how I am now.  Oh, and gently educate those who casually toss off, "How are you?" without actually wanting to know.

I wish for each of us as much peace and comfort as possible as we make our way forward down a painful road we never wanted to walk.

 

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Thank you for the post Gail. I feel like such a Debbie downer all the time with my sad posts, it’s nice to read something positive and hopeful. It’s only been 3 months since my husband passed, so I know I have a long way to go...

I mentioned before in other posts that my teenage son had knee surgery in October. In a few months he’ll be back to 100% then I know I’ll be busy taking him to all his sport practices and athletic training. That way my life will have a routine again and I’ll be able to stay busy. I also plan on working out. I love to exercise and I’ve gained a lot of weight since my husband passed. I need to make sure I stay healthy.

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20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

In the meantime, I have friends' little dog for companionship without the commitment.

That sounds perfect!  Kind of like me walking my neighbor's dog, Joe, when Arlie died.  I still do, Kodie is so tiny I'm not sure he'll ever be a good walking companion, but maybe when he's grown.  I would have to walk them separately as Joe attacked Kodie once, it really surprised me as he seems to get along with dogs and is mellow, but he's a Chow as people pointed out to me.  I almost adopted him, his owner offered but something held me back and now I'm glad I didn't, I can never have Kodie around him.

Cats require a lot less care.  You can leave them a few days with food and water and they'll be okay.  They are all so different, you don't know what you get until you have them.  I've had sweet loving cats that were great company and then there's Kitty who is demanding and cantankerous and shows love momentarily when SHE wants to.  But she's grown on me and it's weighing on me that I'm going to have to have her put to sleep, she is not doing well at all, her skin smells bad, she's lost  all the meat on her bones, her stools are different, she doesn't feel good...at 25 I feel it's time but it's hard letting go.  There seems to be not much quality of life left for her and I don't want to keep her alive at her expense.  :(

@Gail 8588 I'm sorry...it's so hard knowing our dogs live a limited time.  It like to have killed me to lose Arlie.  It's been over 4 1/2 months and I still cry.  I imagine I may the rest of my life but perhaps time will dull it some...it hasn't yet.

It's not ridiculous at all that Boomer kept you going...we have a very intimate everyday relationship with our pets, some more than others.  I always called Arlie my "soulmate in a dog."  George being my soulmate, it's like God gave me Arlie, the next closest thing.

@Jttalways It's good to have plans and exercise will help you feel better.  I gained weight after George died, just didn't care.  I wish I hadn't, now I have Diabetes, am struggling to get my numbers down.  I've lost 20 lbs this last year but still have 30 to go.  It's a long haul.  I wish I'd guarded against this!  Emotional fulfillment through food is momentary and the harm it does is sometimes catastrophic.

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Next month will be 2 years since Billy died. I am still having bad days along the way but I am also finding that I have good days too. For me it has been learning to do things alone that has taken the most time. For the last 9 years that my husband and I were together it was us 24/7 and there were only 2 nights that we spent separate until he got sick. It has been hard but I am finding out that I am capable of doing lots of things. I just drove from my home in Ga to Ohio (11 hour drive) to see my grandkids for Christmas and I am so glad I did. In the beginning of the trip I was very worried but once I got there and saw them I felt better and I actually enjoyed the visit and the drive home.

This journey is not over and I know I will still have days that will knock me down, but I want to keep finding my way and keep learning how to take care of me.

I wish for all of us in this New Year to be able to find the things that give us hope and bring us moments of peace.

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

.it's so hard knowing our dogs live a limited time. 

SPOILER ALERT:  If you haven't read the book Lost & Found, but you intend to, then stop reading now.  It's about a woman who loses her husband (sudden death) and is then forced to change her life in order to survive the pain.  Along the way in her grief journey, she meets both people and a very special dog.  I read it nearly a decade before my husband was diagnosed and am not sure I could read it again just yet. 

It just about broke me when I read it the first time, 7 years after losing our precious Charlie Bear.  I didn't know then that a little more than 10 years later I would begin to understand how spot on the protagonist's journey was.  Right now, tears are streaming down my face and I'm more than okay with that.  It is really good, a story of soulmates and love and loss and grief and anger and confusion and hope.  I'm not much for "chick lit," but this is far beyond that trite cliche.

 

Okay, I assume you're good with the spoiler.  This is the very end of the book, as told from the dog Cooper's perspective.  Not Cooper "talking," but his feelings and perceptions.  I like to believe that we give our furry companions as much love and joy as they give us.

 

"...He could no more answer that than know why the lives of dogs were a brief flash of light compared to the great expanse of human life.  How strange that humans live on and on while dogs move in and out of their lives like seasons....

...But in this life, he is dog.  His life is ocean, stick, ball, sand, grass, ride in the truck, sleep by the bed, look deep into the eyes of humans, lure them outdoors, greet them with a burst of joy when they come home, love them.  Fill this brief life with more.  And more."

 

 

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Well, I am 5 days into the new year, and I haven't really done anything different yet.  Partially because life has sneaky ways of messing up your plans.

So I am going to do 2 things starting today. sleep. Otherwise I'll be on this site posting at 3 a.m. Second, I am going to do some exercise here at home,  sit ups, push ups, planks, etc.  

If I exercise and get better sleep, it can only help me in my quest to find a life.

So that is my start.

Peace, 

Gail

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Well my initial exercise was pretty pathetic.  Which should be no surprise since I have not exercised in 3 years.  But I did try to do sit ups and push ups and planks. I did write a journal of my efforts and I know that I will improve with repetitions. 

It's a start.   Night all.

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14 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Second, I am going to do some exercise here at home, 

Have you done yoga in the past?  I ask because until last spring I had not.  I was a dancer, singer, and flute player by avocation, not profession.  Many, many years of dance made yoga somewhat appealing to me, but I started because one of my newer friends, who has become a really good friend, is an instructor.  She and another friend gently nudged me to try a weekly restorative class.  I have auto-immune conditions that make any aggressive exercise very difficult now.  They live next to each other and right across the street from me, so it's convenient for me to ride with one of them.

I'm an absolute beginner, but am making some progress.  I now take the weekly restorative and a once a week gentle flow class.  I find it helpful both for my body and my mind.  I have to focus only on yoga while I'm doing it, so I get a brief respite from everything, even my grief.  It's similar enough to dance that I don't feel completely at a loss, but different enough that I really have to concentrate.

My friend lent me a DVD by an instructor she knows from her own continuing education.  It's got a 25 minute gentle flow portion, which I've done at home several times.  I'm also going to check out a few yoga DVDs from the library and try to find one I will like long term before I buy anything.  Is yoga at home something you might want to do?  All you'd need is a good DVD (or not if you already do yoga) and a mat.  It's certainly something you could take with you when you're staying with your friend. 

One of my resolutions is to be more consistent with both diet and exercise.  I'm focusing on adding more exercise at home than just my physical therapy routine (shoulder injury years ago) and short recumbent bike sessions.  I would dearly love to start losing the weight I gained while my husband was ill.  I think one thing holding me back is that I don't feel I have anyone to feel pretty for now.  No one who I want to look at me and think, "That's my wife.  Isn't she something?"

As for sleep:  Yes, take the medication!  Getting more sleep is on my "to do" list as well.  My doctor doesn't think I take mine often enough, and he's right.  He's not a "pill pusher" and has reminded me that when he does prescribe something it's for a darn good reason.

I'm so sorry for both your friends and for you.  Of course you want to be there for them as much as possible, but don't push yourself so hard that you ignore your own mental health.

No, it does not sound ridiculous to say that Boomer kept you going.  I understand that bond of love absolutely.  Our true companion animals are so much more than just "the family pet."

Finally, good for you for exercising today.  It doesn't matter if you think it was pathetic.  It only matters that you keep doing it to try to get stronger and feel better.  At least, that's how I'm thinking about things these days.  Fortunately, my yoga classes are small and full of people I already knew or am coming to know, all in their late 40s or older, and no one is perfect.  Just do it for you because your health and well being are important.

 

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Moment2moment

Everyone has their own unique story of struggle.  I come here and read and see the same few people posting, yet lots of viewers who don't post and I wonder why.

Maybe it's too hard to express their level of pain. I sure can understand that. Or maybe their situation is so vastly different that they don't feel like anyone can relate. I get that too.

I don't have children or grandchildren. All my family is gone. Her sister is about the only essence of our family past left and we keep up with each other on the phone. She has been very ill and now has had to move in with her son.

I have struggled financially just to get by this last year and that in itself keeps one focused on the present what with trying just to eat and keep the lights on. I have got to move some place cheaper or get a better income in order to have access to a better quality of life.

I am working on getting a better income but when you are 65 and have lost your looks (teeth, hair, out of date clothing) it is hard to even go to an interview and not feel like I am wasting my time.

Last year was different from this year. I had a job I loved, felt positive that I could get through and had support to do so. It all fell away. 

I lost 2 good jobs, lost my counseling support, lost 4 dogs, lost so much weight that I had no clothes hardly to wear, and my body began to rapidly age from poor nutrition and stress over financial ups and downs.

I could go on, but this has been the worst time through the second year because of all this.

Grief now is different. It is a warm robe of memories that is always wrapped around me. In a comforting way. I talk to her all the time, miss her all the time, and I experience this phase of our life as just a temporary separation.

She is at peace and here with me. The rest of my life is to be enjoyed for what it is-today with the little things bringing joy and peace.

Moving forward to another lifestyle is more about moving out of feeling trapped by poverty right now.

I cleared out a storage unit and right now my apartment is like a warehouse crammed with plastic tubs mostly filled with Christmas ornaments that she collected. Hundreds of them!

Now that is one less bill to pay and hopefully some money to be made from them if I can find a market or just give them away. I haven't figured all that out yet but they need to go along with a bunch of other stuff.

I want to get free and light to move or put only what I need into storage and travel with my 2 dogs and see things I want to see and who knows, maybe meet some of you!

Anyway this is my project through to summer and it is somewhat metaphorical for shedding a past and moving forward.

I don't feel sorry for myself anymore. I sometimes feel left out because my version of "family" is gone-she and I and our dogs were it for me-but I have to move on.

Like the shark who has to keep swimming or die, I have to keep moving forward. To what and where I do not know but I pray that it unfolds.

May 2020 bring healing and joy and love into your lives!

Love

Lily Bell

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Lily Bell, 

Your description of your Christmas holiday was so pleasant and contented.  

May we all make progress forward in 2020.

Peace.

Gail

 

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Foreverhis,

I have never done yoga, or any sort of dance.  I am a bit on the "no rhythm" side of the spectrum.  But I am willing to try.   I think I may actually have some yoga DVDs somewhere in a box.  

I will post on here when I locate them, or otherwise give yoga a try, and let you know how it goes.  I do think yoga might be a good fit for me.

Thanks,

Gail

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Gail,

I think yoga is well worth a try for you.  Having a dance background has made it easier for me to understand, but it's absolutely not necessary for the process.  Well, at least as far as I can see.  One of my friends in class is really good with yoga, but hasn't danced a day in her life.

It's more a mindfulness of the body and calming of the mind that isn't really related to anything else.  I've discovered that a good instructor, whether live or on a DVD, will acknowledge that each person's body and mind are different so that the way one personal does a pose is not going to be the same as another person.  The goal is to do it the best way for your body.  There are things I must adjust at this point and poses I have to come out of if my shoulder, wrists, or feet act up in the midst of it.  Because there is 40 lb more of my 5'3" body than I'm used to, I have to account for that too.  I am not someone who expects to be perfect at something immediately, though patience has never been one of my virtues either.  So I do the best I can and enjoy when something feels better or "right." 

The DVD I've borrowed is pretty good because there's an instructional section first.  I didn't need that because I'd been practicing for 6 months already, but the instructor really goes through what each pose should feel like (feet, arms, core, etc.) and not that it should look like someone else's body does.  And the flow section has two additional demonstrators, one of whom uses props and variations throughout.  There's one pose I cannot and will not do because it involves slipping back into an arch with your head on the floor.  I mentioned to my friend that I'm doing the alternative of repeating the previous pose and she said I should keep doing that because it's too easy to hurt yourself and because we should never try poses that frighten or concern us, especially without a live instructor.  The thing is that the instructor on the DVD also makes that clear and gives alternatives and options.

Anyway, one of the biggest benefits for me has been emotional.  Physically, sure I'm feeling better and will continue because of that alone.  But the mental and emotional help has been a surprise.

Give it a try when you find those DVDs and let us know what you think.  And don't give up if it's frustrating at first.  It can seem daunting, but repetition and familiarity are what helps the most.  Having a dance background has simply been a bonus, not a necessity.

And good for you for making steps forward.  It is so hard just to move through each day knowing my love is not going to walk in the door or down the stairs.  My sister keeps reminding me, "Baby steps, just take baby steps" so that I don't feel like I'm somehow failing by not being further along.

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13 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

I talk to her all the time, miss her all the time, and I experience this phase of our life as just a temporary separation.

Same with me.

I am working hard to get my blood sugar under control, it hasn't been since Arlie's diagnosis.  I thought by now it'd come down but it hasn't and now I've lost Kitty too...I wonder sometimes how much I can take, but I've learned never to ask that.  Anyway, went to a drastic change, no/little carbs.  I hope it makes a difference eventually.

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Kay,

So sorry about Kitty.  It is so hard to lose another member of the family.

Good luck to you. 

Gail

 

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Moment2moment

Kay-I feel your pain for Arlie and Kitty and am so so sorry. These sweet beings are so special and such a part of our hearts. Saying good bye is just soul crushing. I lost 2 of our Bichons a year ago from last October and then the 2 rescues since my partners death were lost in May and Sept of 2019. I have one of our Bichons left and she is 13. I have my year old puppy that I found on the road last March and he has literally saved my life. I want another big Bichon that can play with both of them. It is hard to rescue when you are an older person in an apartment but I am going to try. My dogs keep me here.

When my 13 year old goes I am literally fearful that I won't be able to handle that loss, so I need to shore up my strength by having the others with me. Thank God for their presence in my daily life. I cannot imagine a life without them. I wish you moments of comfort and love and maybe a few more animal companions 

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My son brought me Kodie Dec 10, early Christmas, and I thank God for him. His personality is emerging and showing me he is similar to Arlie, he was conceived when I scheduled Arlie's euthanasia, he was born on my birthday.  I feel he was meant to be mine.  He is a bright spot of joy in the otherwise dismal world.

Pup & Bruno.jpg

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When I was making Arlie's euthanasia appt, this little pup was conceived.  When I was crying on my birthday over Arlie, this little guy was being born.  The name Kodie popped into my head when I first saw his picture.  Unbeknownst to me, the breeder named him Kobie and when my son picked him up he got a tag made and accidentally spelled his name Kodie.  It's like it was confirmation that he was supposed to be mine.  And I imagine him to be much like Arlie was when he was a puppy, even though I didn't get Arlie until he was almost one.  Except for the size and color, Arlie was extremely goofy and fun and I think this little guy will be the same.  It's that husky personality.

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@KayC I love your puppy! I wish i could have a pet, but I live in an apartment and there are no pets allowed. Sucks because i absolutely love animals and i know my pet would be my close companion. If my son goes away to college, I am going to have to move so I can get 1 because i already know i will be too lonely. 

I was depressed for a week, I was stuck in a hole, but now i am feeling better. I've been working out like crazy. I joined a Muay Thai (kick boxing) club and i also joined a gym. Ive always loved to exercise so its been good. My leg is black and blue from Muay Thai sparring, but its ok, I welcome the physical pain, opposed to the emotional pain. Hurting all over physically distracts me mentally. Even though Ive been exercising alot, my eating habits are still horrible. So today i got on the myfitnesspal app and started tracking my calories. So hopefully i can lose some of this weight i've packed on. I have been pre diabetic most of my adult life due to my genes, so i need to stay healthy to avoid that. 

On 1/5/2020 at 6:46 PM, Gail 8588 said:

Third, I am on the edge of being terrified that this could also happen to me. But I am really working at not letting this fear immobilize me.  Because I really do want to implement changes in my life that will help me going forward. 

I've been having nightmares where I get diagnosed with cancer. I am so relieved when i wake up and realize it was only a dream. My husband had acute leukemia, which means you can get it over night, it can happen instantly without warning. So it is irrational to be in constant fear of something we pratically have no control over. Every time my son gets flu like symptons i panic, since those were my husband's symptons and my son has a higher chance of getting leukemia since his father had it. But like i said, its not something we can control. 

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Progress report on my new life:

Well, things are not really going as I envisioned.  Life seems to take me down paths that I really had not considered.  I am trying to be flexible and spin this as the new adaptable me. 

I had planned that at the start of 2020, I'd join a gym, work out, get regular sleep, lose weight, sort through the stuff.

But right now, my life feels so unrooted, if that is a word. I am like a tumble weed just blown here and there.

My commitment to rebuilding my life in 2020 remains strong.  I wish I was making more progress.

Peace. 

Gail

 

 

 

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Gail, I am so sorry about your friends, I lost one of my long time best friends to cancer about three years ago.  She is lucky to have you there.  You can't bring Boomer with you?  So hard!

Jttalways, Kodie is twice as long now although he's only gained a pound in the last month.  He's a wiggle worm, busily playing until he just drops!  Such a little baby.  Still working on the housebreaking, it's hard with all the snow storms and wind I'm getting.  He gets sidetracked by the snow, he loves it!  I hope you too can have a little one just for you someday.

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On 1/4/2020 at 12:17 AM, Gail 8588 said:

So many of us struggle with feelings of emptiness, finding no joy in life, feeling numb and disconnected to life. I have expressed this in many posts.  I just went through my third Christmas and New Year's without my husband and the sadness and pain was in many ways worse than the prior two years.

I feel like I must find a new way forward in 2020.  I have to find a way to be content with the life I have, rather than long for the life I had.  

It is my goal that in 2020, I really work on establishing a new life for myself that is okay.  I don't expect it to be great, or as meaningful and comfortable as my life before.  But one where I do feel some connection to this world, where I have some level of happiness.

This 3 year walk with grief has been such a confusing time.

So in this topic, I am going to try to share with you all how I am progressing on figuring out how to live.  I really hope that this time next year, I'll be posting that the holidays were better.

Wishing all of you a year of healing and strength as we all find our way forward. 

Peace

Gail

 

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11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

So many of us struggle with feelings of emptiness, finding no joy in life, feeling numb and disconnected to life.

Sometimes I wonder if it's not because we compare to the life we've lost...and comparisons are huge joy-killers.  I struggle with this too, I think we all do to some degree, but when I try to live in the present and practice gratefulness for what IS, I do better.  It's so easy to get on a pity pot and feel sorry for ourselves as we see our happily married (and still intact) friends who still HAVE their spouses!  Fighting this and practicing being grateful for what good there is in our lives requires effort on our parts, but the result is greater enjoyment than we'd otherwise have.  This is a continual action requirement on our part and we aren't always going to be perfect at it, but the more we practice it, the better we get at it. ;)

 

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Gail -

It's hard to make progress when life is constantly throwing you curve balls.  After my second anniversary without my husband, I fell back hard.  I didn't get out of bed that day until 2:00 in the afternoon and wouldn't have if I my daughter hadn't needed me that day.  I cried and cried, like I did the week he died.  I was home from work for two days and felt so depressed and lethargic.  When I finally snapped out of it about a week later, I had a different attitude.  I'm worth something.  My life is worth something.  No, it's not the life I wanted but it's the only one I'm going to get and I need to find some bright spots or it is going to be incredibly long until I see my husband again.  I had a life before Randy, I'm struggling to remember and  find importance in the things that were once so important to me.  I'm trying to be a better friend.  I've learned through this process that people are really wrapped up in themselves (we were too) and I'm trying to teach myself to be a better friend.  Reach out to people, check in with people, pick up the phone.  Why should I expect them to be this great friend to me when I really wasn't to them, not while Randy was alive.  It's taken me time to learn that this life isn't all about me and my grief.  Many, many people are struggling, in different ways, but still struggling.  Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days but I remind myself of all of this. 

On ‎1‎/‎6‎/‎2020 at 3:57 AM, Moment2moment said:

Grief now is different. It is a warm robe of memories that is always wrapped around me. In a comforting way. I talk to her all the time, miss her all the time, and I experience this phase of our life as just a temporary separation.

This is so beautiful.  I'm not there yet but this is my goal. 

 

On ‎1‎/‎6‎/‎2020 at 3:57 AM, Moment2moment said:

I have struggled financially just to get by this last year and that in itself keeps one focused on the present what with trying just to eat and keep the lights on. I have got to move some place cheaper or get a better income in order to have access to a better quality of life.

I think this is a part of grief that is so often overlooked.  Everyone thinks you come into this windfall of money through life insurance or whatever.  That is not the case for many of us.  Losing a partner is a financial struggle.  I really hope your situation turns around.  There is a market for Christmas ornaments, many people collect them.  Separating from the things that were important to them is difficult but as my husband said to me, "Someone should enjoy these things."  I have sold off many things that were a part of out life together and it was hard but it hasn't changed my memories, those are with me forever. 

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Moment2moment

I read my first response to this post and I take it all back. I don't think it is possible to have a new life. 

Why? Because I don't want one. I want my old life with her and our dog family. I can't imagine finding the happiness we once had again. 

Almost 30 years of ups and downs and love and laughter and joy and heart break. We had lost so much even before she died and I think she grieved herself to death over a lot of that.

I don't know how I have survived what I have except for the pure grace of God.

I was recently called to a caregiving job that years ago I would have not hesitated to take. I have spent most of my adult life as a professional caregiver. I have always believed that in giving to others you get back tenfold.

But you know what? I could not say yes. And that pains me. I had the compassion and vast experience to do so, but I just could not.

The only way I can explain it is to say "my cup is empty". There is nothing left within me to give. And I have never experienced this.

What I need is to figure out how to get this back or accept that maybe God wants me to give back in another way or primarily become a receiver.

So I am trying to find my way in this in 2020. Not sure what is needed to start.

Starting a new life is more like surviving the clueless one I have now.

Nothing makes sense anymore and I don't trust my own anything from one minute to the next.

I need help and I might seek out a therapist next month when I get Medicare, but it is hard to find a good one and I was hurt so badly by the one I had for 10 months at hospice.

Anyway I just don't know anymore. It is all an effort and I am so tired of trying to sort it all out. Ya know?

 

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Yep, we know.  We get to change our minds.  We get to be strong one day and not so strong the next.  We get to be okay one day and not the next.  I go back and forth all the time.  I don't think anyone here thought you preferred this life to the one you had with your wife and your dogs.  Surviving the clueless one you have now is something. 

I love my husband and I miss him every single day but I have to believe that I am worth something, all by myself.  My life has some kind of purpose. I'm not sure what that is yet but I'm trying hard to figure it out.  If I do, I will let you all know. 

If your cup is empty, that's okay.  Sounds like you have given plenty your entire life and now maybe it is your time to receive care and compassion.  It also doesn't mean your cup will always be empty.    

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Thank you for responding.  I will share that I find myself drawn more to being expressive now and to focusing more than I ever did on the beauty in the world around me. The simple things in the here and now.

I want to write consistently and may join a local writers group. I used to blog and do nature photography and would like to get back into that.  I was in the process of buying a beautiful handmade acoustic guitar before I lost the counseling job. I used to play in a group and sing.

These are things that I loved and want to pursue again. This artistic side of me got suppressed for many years.

I think when our loved ones die a part of us dies with them, but in grief we struggle to live again ourselves, but in another way because we have been changed forever by our loss. 

After her death that summer I had many encounters with monarch butterflies.  They seemed to appear out of nowhere as if to guide me forward toward positive events. I would see one, know something good was going to happen, and it did. Wow moments!

I think I am being called to sit and rest and be led to the next wow moments. To experience the simple joys and gifts of being alive. To slow down and see what unveils.

Spring is coming...

Love you all-

Lily

 

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Lily, it elates my heart to hear you getting back into the artistic side of you!  That creative bent is very healing.  I did for some time, I make cards and have for 34 years but the last couple of years I've just made them as needed and haven't explored new techniques, etc.  I haven't let my creative juices flow.  I'm not sure why, I'd love for it to come back.  It must be something like writer's block, or perhaps slight depression.  Life is hard in the winter but I've no excuse for summer.                                                             

I hope you'll keep us updated with how it's going.

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I've been running from my grief. It caught up with me last night, hard. Today is my husband's birthday. 36. I've been watching a picture slide show of him all day long. It breaks my heart that these are the only pictures i will ever have of him. There will be no new pictures in the future. When I am old I will look at his 35 year old face and try to imagine how he would look aged. It is very depressing yet beautiful in a way that he will be "forever young." 

On 1/28/2020 at 8:22 AM, Rhonda R said:

I'm worth something.  My life is worth something.  No, it's not the life I wanted but it's the only one I'm going to get and I need to find some bright spots or it is going to be incredibly long until I see my husband again.  I had a life before Randy, I'm struggling to remember and  find importance in the things that were once so important to me.  I'm trying to be a better friend.  I've learned through this process that people are really wrapped up in themselves (we were too) and I'm trying to teach myself to be a better friend.  Reach out to people, check in with people, pick up the phone.  Why should I expect them to be this great friend to me when I really wasn't to them, not while Randy was alive.  It's taken me time to learn that this life isn't all about me and my grief.  Many, many people are struggling, in different ways, but still struggling.  Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days but I remind myself of all of this. 

I am trying to work on this myself. Trying to be a better person, friend and listener. I have more compassion now than I did before.

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Hello friends, 

I have been gone for awhile.  Thought I'd touch base, though I have no good news.

Well, my plan to build my new, not terrible life, during this 3rd year of grief, has been pretty much derailed.  

Two of my close friends are struggling with cancer issues. I was sick most all of February, had pneumonia, chills, fever, and a  cough that would not go away. Two rounds of antibiotics didn't phase my illness. I eventually got well.  Was never tested for coronavirus but I wonder if I had it. 

This social distancing is terrible.  Too much time alone.  Too much time missing my husband. 

The idea that social distancing may go on for the rest of this year, or longer, is really too much to bear. I have to just think about it as this week, or today. 

I am very depressed.  Just binge watched a series on Netflix called After Life.  Don't think it was particularly good for me to watch, but the writer must have lost a spouse, as the show does paint the bleak picture of life without your love.

I am so tired of living under the crushing weight of grief.  It still takes so much effort to just breathe.

Sorry for being a whiner, I know this is hard on everyone.

Peace

Gail

 

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Gail,

I had to reply to you even though I myself have been absent from this site for some time. It has been twenty five months since I lost my partner and soul mate and I am no better now than I was when he left.

Am I OK? No. Am I "Getting over it"? No. Am I learning to live with the loss of the love of my life? No. I am just in survival mode I think which sounds strange because I don't even want to be here. I would really just like to go in my sleep or have a sudden incident!

What caught my attention was that you had been watching After Life with Ricky Gervais. Me too. I really, really related to this production and agree with you that the writer had (must have had) personal experience of loss of love such as we have. I related to his attitude, his thoughts and watched him mellow as he learned to love rather than hate and be angry. One thing that I hoped for was (maybe selfishly) that he would not actually get together with the PCA (his father's attendant). Not because I don't want people to be happy and move on etc etc it's just that I know that (like him) I could not be unfaithful. And that is what it would be. To me. So, until my demise, it will be just me and boy is that a lonely place to be but I chose it above anything else.

Keep positive Gail. It's all we can do and not made any easier by our current circumstances!
 

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Gail, I'm sorry you were so sick and for so long!  It's possible you did have COVID-19, it'd be interesting to be tested for antibodies when it becomes more available.

I'm glad you're well now, but I think it's understandable that you're feeling so depressed.  These are hard times, add grief and the coronavirus, and it's a wonder we hold it together even if we don't feel like we are.

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