I lost an ex-fiance

[AmandaBowieCooper]

So, I just want to preface this with the fact that I'm married to a wonderful, supportive man who wants me to get the help I need.

I found out on the 30th of December that my ex-fiance had died on November 1st. His mother, whom I knew when I was an infant until I was about four years old, called me because I put my number on social media looking for a babysitter. I got the details from her and was surprised. My ex-fiance, who had been an upstanding, wonderful, gentle person, had died of a drug overdose. My ex had taken someone in in January of this year (2019) who was into drugs and got my ex into heroin (he was not a big fan of needles when I was with him). That guy got kicked out, but my ex started doing drugs on a regular basis. He had a four year old daughter who was the result of a failed marriage to a truly abusive woman, but who my ex truly seemed to love. My ex was found near death under mysterious circumstances, which I know is part of what's not letting me let go, by his mother, who I love to this day. 

When I got the voicemail from my ex's mother, I was dumbfounded because I never imagined in a million years that my ex-fiance would succumb to a drug overdose. Before I even called her, I listened to the voicemail twice. Part of me broke. My husband, bless him, knows that this man was a big part of my life. We had the same birthday, our mothers were friends in and out of the hospital, and I still visited her after my ex (her son) was taken by the state. This man was my best friend as a toddler and my first friend ever in my life. When we met up as adults, we basically picked up where we left off. 

I know I might get flack for this, but the man I'm married to, who is a wonderful, caring man, is the man who ended my relationship with my ex-fiance. 

I cheated but then actually talked to my now husband so many years ago and realized that we were really good for each other. We're still married, worked through the "7-year Itch", and have two kids who take up a lot of our time. But when he heard that my ex had died and how he had died, he was torn up too, beyond the fact that it hurt me. 

Now, at 30 minutes to the new year, I find myself wishing for him to call me and tell me it was just a bad joke. 

He wasn't abusive, he was emotionally in touch with what I wanted, and was completely devoted to me (I was his first serious relationship).

I miss him so much and a lot of what if's are going through my mind. I know, logically, that his death had nothing to do with me. But my breaking up with him caused him to spiral and now he's dead, leaving behind a beautiful little girl who had to spend Christmas with her mother, knowing that her Daddy wasn't coming back.

I just need some advice.

Thanks.

[Mianko471]

I am sorry for your loss and regret that I am unable to supply any advice, however, your story resonated with me, as I recently lost my ex-fiancé to suicide, and wanted to let you know that you are not alone in grieving for someone you used to be in love with. The what-ifs, the regrets, the break-up and spiraling, the daughter left behind... I resonated a lot. Thank you for sharing. And my thoughts are with you. 

[Alma.M]

I too recently lost my ex-husband to end stage liver Cirrhosis. He left behind our 9yr old son and 20yr old daughter. My daughter was called abruptly early in the morning on 9/19 that her dad was in the ICU and she needed to come urgently. I took my daughter and we sadly watched him pass away quickly on life support. Im devastated. We were co-parenting quite well and had no idea he was drinking himself to death. Im a mess, my kids are a mess. I sympathize with your  pain.