Members Brazil Man Posted December 31, 2019 Members Report Share Posted December 31, 2019 One more year has passed and I can say it went so fast. And now it will be my second new year without my beloved wife, Two years ago I was celebrating it with her. Now I am alone. The pain doesn't go away and seems stronger than last year. I miss her so much. Moises Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted December 31, 2019 Members Report Share Posted December 31, 2019 Yes, I have been feeling that lately too. How is it possible, I wonder, to miss someone so much and to not stop missing my husband even a tiny bit after nearly 18 months? Winter is a difficult season for me anyway as I don't like the short days and cold nights. I figured last year would be the worst, but I've been crying more and been more down in my grief lately than I was just a few months ago. This is true even as I find more small times of light and hope, even as I am surrounded by people who care about me, even as new friends have really stepped up and been a source of kindness, comfort, and love, and even as I try to learn how to live a life I didn't want. Two NYEs ago, my husband was just finishing his chemo. It had been a tough time, but we had hope because things were looking good. His symptoms started to abate and though his veins were giving the doctors trouble because of the chemo, we were ready for the next step. It was just us for only the third time in 35 years because he couldn't risk exposure to winter illnesses. But we were always okay with "you and me against the world" because, as he told one of his nurses later, "Well, we don't just love each other, we still like each other." Because we both had developed long-term non-life threatening medical conditions, we already knew who our real friends were. We also knew that we could spend a lot more time together than many/most couples do and still want to be together. Sure, we had our moments of irritation and anger. How could we not when we'd been married for decades? But we were best friends and always forgave each other. The day we married, my husband gave me a beautiful card about marriage. One of the things it said was that in a deep and binding love, anger may be felt more deeply, but forgiveness comes more easily. So my biggest NYE wish again this year is that wherever my soulmate is, he is strong and healthy again, and that he has forgiven me my faults and failings. At midnight tonight, I will be alone with my memories. I will talk to my love and ask him to help me soldier on through a second "new year" without him by my side. It is the best I can hope to do. And still, this afternoon, I will attend a small block party held every year by friends. I will eat a bit and drink a bit. I will smile and will probably laugh because several supportive friends who "get" me will be there. But if it becomes too much for me, all I have to do is walk across the street to come home. I will be thinking of you and all of us. I will be wishing each of us as much comfort and peace as we can find, even if it's just a tiny bit right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tlc Posted January 1, 2020 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2020 so undestand Brazil Man ! Second Christmas, second New Year but is the pain easing...NO. It's just a survival thing. One step at a time, one day at a time and I'm still here. Really don't know why. The pain I guess is diluted, numbed a bit but still agonising and gut wrenching so nothing much has changed. Complicated grief??? Probably! I had the offer/chance of couselling recently and realised that is absolutely not what I need or want. I just have to get through this nightmare in my own way and in my ow time. Rightly or wrongly thats how I see it. Hang in there Moises. What choice do we have when it comes down to it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Brazil Man Posted January 1, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2020 3 hours ago, tlc said: Hang in there Moises. What choice do we have when it comes down to it? In fact there's no choice but grieving and crying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Brazil Man Posted January 1, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2020 17 hours ago, foreverhis said: At midnight tonight, I will be alone with my memories. I will talk to my love and ask him to help me soldier on through a second "new year" without him by my side. It is the best I can hope to do. Me too, I went alone with my memories thinking of her and all Happy New Years gone by. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 1, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted January 1, 2020 19 hours ago, foreverhis said: So my biggest NYE wish again this year is that wherever my soulmate is, he is strong and healthy again, and that he has forgiven me my faults and failings. Honey, I think you have that wish. I think that's all our wishes. I've gone quite the gamut since George died...I'm more at peace than I used to be, gosh it took a long while to work through this. I was in huge panic stage at first and for a long time. I may be at peace but I still miss and love him, that will never stop. 5 hours ago, tlc said: I just have to get through this nightmare in my own way and in my ow time. And so it is for each of us...with or without help, we are individual in how we handle things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SSC Posted January 1, 2020 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2020 It’s been one year since I joined this forum. Initially it was the only thing that kept me sane. I never thought I’d make it this far, 14 months. Last Christmas I was living with my daughter and I had family and loved ones around me. Even though, I was miserable. When I look back I can’t remember much of the holidays at all. Fast forward to this Christmas and New Year.... I am a mess. This reality is crushing. It doesn’t feel like I’ve made any progress. Last year I was so sad because my husband died. The shock of what happened was unbelievable. Now I am overwhelmed with the pain of not having a life with him. I miss him terribly. These words don’t even scratch the surface of how I feel. How do people live without the love of their soulmate? How to have a reason to live when they’re gone? Yes, I have a wonderful family, children, grandchildren, siblings..and they love me and I love them but it’s not the same. It doesn’t feel like there is a reason to keep going when the whole reason for life is to live with love. I can volunteer, work with at risk children, help my mother, be there for my children and grandchildren...it only goes so far before I’m depleted. I’m a shell of a person as it is. I don’t know how to keep going when there really is no reason to. and yet you are right @tlc we hang in there because We have no other choice... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 1, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted January 1, 2020 SSC, you are right where you are meant to be on your grief journey. It took me a good three years to process my grief and really I don't think it's ever really done...it took me years longer to find purpose and build a life I could live. And still I fight the depression like feelings that come with grief. There's days I don't want to go on, but the worst is the nighttime. Some moments I feel happy...not days, moments. Nothing is like it was and I miss George so much...and now I'm miss my dog, Arlie, too and Kitty is doing poorly. It seems the older I get the more losses I accumulate, so many...gone. I live for my kids and grandkids and sisters, even when I can't see them. They need to know I'm here even when they're busy with their lives. All the same, I will be glad to go whien my time arrives. I've done almost 15 years...I didn't see how I could survive a week. One day at a time and one foot in front of the other, as Darrell (ole' misfit) used to say.I guess we don't need to know how...just do it. One day at a time then get up and do it all over again. I have a lot of widowed friends now, sometimes I wonder how they do it, but they put on a smile in the daytime, I know it's the nights that are hard...the nights we don't see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ccoflove Posted January 2, 2020 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2020 3 hours ago, SSC said: It’s been one year since I joined this forum. Initially it was the only thing that kept me sane. I never thought I’d make it this far, 14 months. Last Christmas I was living with my daughter and I had family and loved ones around me. Even though, I was miserable. When I look back I can’t remember much of the holidays at all. Fast forward to this Christmas and New Year.... I am a mess. This reality is crushing. It doesn’t feel like I’ve made any progress. Last year I was so sad because my husband died. The shock of what happened was unbelievable. Now I am overwhelmed with the pain of not having a life with him. I miss him terribly. These words don’t even scratch the surface of how I feel. How do people live without the love of their soulmate? How to have a reason to live when they’re gone? Yes, I have a wonderful family, children, grandchildren, siblings..and they love me and I love them but it’s not the same. It doesn’t feel like there is a reason to keep going when the whole reason for life is to live with love. I can volunteer, work with at risk children, help my mother, be there for my children and grandchildren...it only goes so far before I’m depleted. I’m a shell of a person as it is. I don’t know how to keep going when there really is no reason to. and yet you are right @tlc we hang in there because We have no other choice... I too am at 14 months and the 2nd new year and the shock is wearing off and reality setting in more and more. Today i felt panic and anxiety as i think about another year alone trying to rebuild my life and have difficulty imagining a future i can stand living. Not much seems to have changed. If every tear is progress, ive made an ocean of progress! I do feel my partner would be proud of what i accomplished on my own in this time despite the pain so it helps to remember that . Ive kept working my job, paying the bills, taking care of our dog, replaced my aging car, fixed hot water heaters, riding mowers, kept everything maintained and took on new to me roles. I am drained physically, emotionally and spiritually and not sure how long i can keep managing but it is true there is no choice but to keep going as best we can. Family and friends have helped me get through but it could never replace the meaning my partner and soulmate brought to my life. I could use a vacation from myself for a while, to remember what it felt like to feel normal and excited about the future. Wishing us all healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jacqisonteam213 Posted January 2, 2020 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2020 this my first new year without ian Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 2, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted January 2, 2020 16 hours ago, jacqisonteam213 said: this my first new year without ian I prayed for everyone here yesterday that was going through their first entry into a new year...I remember how that felt. @ccoflove You should be proud of yourself...I too have made it through much over the years but I don't "fix things"...those I have to hire done. Making decisions, looking for a new job, keeping up with the bills, taking care of our home, all of these things are so much harder by ourselves but the fact that we're doing it speaks to our bravery...and courage is what you do in the face of fear, not the absence of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jacqisonteam213 Posted January 3, 2020 Members Report Share Posted January 3, 2020 @KayC today was kinda hard , i went out into town and to all of our favorite places , but all i could think of was doing band with Ian Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jttalways Posted January 3, 2020 Members Report Share Posted January 3, 2020 Quote Two NYEs ago, my husband was just finishing his chemo. It had been a tough time, but we had hope because things were looking good. That was us last NYE. My husband was in remission and we had such hope that 2019 was going to be the year that he would get his bone marrow transplant and on the road to recovery. We were so hopeful. Never thought 2019 would be the year he would die. I’m back in that black hole again. Full of depression, gloom, and despair. Thought I’d share this post by Rupi Kaur. I like some elements of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 3, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted January 3, 2020 @Jttalways Beautiful, thank you for sharing that with us. I don't have my mother's arms and of course I know no amount of ice cream will lessen the pain of losing my husband. I'm now trying to undo the damage of emotional eating I've done...it never solved a thing, only compounded them. @jacqisonteam213 I'm sorry it was a hard day. I had that NY day as I organized my animal photos and of course that meant seeing pictures of Arlie and I lost it. Some days are like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jacqisonteam213 Posted January 3, 2020 Members Report Share Posted January 3, 2020 @KayC thank you so much .Ive always been kinda sensitive to this kind of stuff, the emotional pain I’ve had is the worst emotional pain since my great grandmas death Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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