How our Christmases went

[KayC]

My daughter came up and told me her husband's Christmas present to her is he's filing for divorce.  He's still living with her although he left her nearly three years ago after her miscarriage.  She cried and talked about how she's shut down and can't talk about it and works all the time, he's hurt her so much these past few years.  I only want for peace and healing for her, alas the one thing I can't grant, that will be up to her to do.  

I am feeling blessed with little Kodie...at night I put him in the kennel and shut the door and nary a peep out of him all night!  He doesn't even cry when he wakes up in the morning, he waits for me to come get him.  Who gets a puppy like that!  

Spent some time at Arlie's grave, talking to him.  Still missing him, always will, this is so much like it was nearly 15 years ago when I lost my George, these are the two hardest losses I've had, and I've had many in my life.  It's not something you ever get over, the best we can do is learn to live with it, but damn it's tough!

I hope you all had some measure of peace yesterday, even if not festive like in years past. 

[Rhonda R]

This is my second Christmas without Randy and I got through it by realizing that it's Christmas for everyone else and for me, it's just another day.  All the Christmas "feels" are gone.  I watched everyone else enjoy Christmas and really just observed.  Acceptance maybe?  A step in grief maybe?  Who knows but, not having all the expectations of the past made it a lot easier for me this year.  The first year, I kept waiting for it to be the best day of the year, like in the past.  It isn't and may never be again.  Like me, Christmas has changed.  I enjoyed parts of the day and really focused on myself this year and what I wanted to do...or not.  That also made it better.  It wasn't horrible, it wasn't great, it just was. 

[jacqisonteam213]

I found a bunch of stuff from the disney trip and held it all in my lap and cried . saw my poppop who recognized me but forgot my name , he has Alzheimer’s , and dementia. it was so hard to watch, my poppop is basically gone . 

[Gail 8588]

My family, including me, were all suffering with a viral infection. Not quite the flu, but a really bad cold with fever, and hacking cough.

It would have of course been more sensible to cancel Christmas and everyone stay in bed.

Hoping next year goes better. 

Peace, 

Gail

[foreverhis]

Last year, during my hermit months, I was certain that I would never have a decent Christmas supper again.  This year, good friends right across the street invited me to dinner, just them, one of their sisters, and the two pets (one cat and one dog; both think I'm the bee's knees).  It was a simple, delicious meal with really good company who understand me.  We had some pre-dinner munchies I made and a really good bottle of pinot I'd been saving to share with friends.

I was there for more than 3 hours and was able to enjoy myself, even though there were times I couldn't help but wish that my husband was there with me.  It was pouring rain--I mean, pouring so hard the rain gutters couldn't handle it and were spilling over--so I had to put my rain parka on and literally run across the street both going and coming.  We laughed that it's what passes for winter here now.

It wasn't a wonderful Christmas.  I don't expect to have those.  But it was better than last year and that's a small step forward.

[MODArtemis2019]

I planned to go to my stepmothers for a very small Christmas gathering but I was sick and stayed home alone instead. Actually, it was better being alone. I didn't have the energy mentally to recognize the day, not after Christmas Eve, which brought me a lot of painful memories. I'm glad it's done. Not looking forward to New Years Eve or day. 

 

[Jttalways]

I couldn’t remember what I did for Xmas. I saw this post and tried to remember what I did for a minute or 2. I was never forgetful or scatterbrained before my husband passed. Now I am the biggest airhead. My son catches me repeating questions or answers often. I just can’t seem to focus sometimes...

The last 5 Xmas Eves we have gone to Knott’s Berry Farm so we did that. It was a good time, but it’s been extremely painful to think of my husband lately. Maybe because I remember in detail what we did last holiday season. I’ve been pushing my husband out of my mind when I start to feel myself hyperventilate. I’ve only been thinking of him on the “surface.” Xmas I went to my parents for lunch then we took a sightseeing Xmas lights drive at night. It’s been hard and I know NYE will be worse. 

I am glad everyone survived and some even enjoyed themselves. Like Rhonda, these holidays feel like any other day to me now. 

[chincube]

I think it went ok, but I simply cannot remember what I did at all.

I don't want new year to come, it feels like a final fault line marking the time when he was alive and the time he ceased to exist. And I feel extra negative and bitter that everyone seems to have it all and oh so happy and carefree. And then I want to kick myself for being so bitter, while I am so afraid of others judging my choices and feelings now but I judge myself before anyone start judging...

[Jttalways]

@chincube I feel the same way. My husband passed away 3 months ago and I do not want to start a new year without him. 2019 is always going to be that year. 

[Rhonda R]

I think that is a tough thing, leaving behind the year they last lived. I wish I had some words of wisdom but I don’t. What I can tell you is that it is going to happen, that next year is going to come, like it or not.  Even though it’s going to, it doesn’t erase all the years that came before it, nothing can do that. I know that’s little comfort but it’s something. 

[foreverhis]

13 hours ago, chincube said:

I don't want new year to come, it feels like a final fault line marking the time when he was alive and the time he ceased to exist.

This is so true.  Even though I know logically that it doesn't make much sense, I felt that way.  Last NYE I was alone and didn't even answer the phone when friends and family called.  I just couldn't.  I did not want to hear "Happy new year" from a single person, in part because I know my response would have been, let's just say, not so nice.  The thing is that I know the people who called wouldn't even have said that because they knew I could not be happy.  They would have been as comforting and caring as possible, but that did not matter to me.  I didn't even want to hear their voices that night.

I talked to my husband all evening and told him how much I love him, how I just didn't know how to face a new year's eve or a new year without him, how sorry I was and that I felt I'd failed him, and on and on. 

In the nearly 18 months since he died, it was the one and only night that I actually did drink too much (and regretted it the next day).  I know I was trying to numb the pain, but all I did was end up dehydrated and feeling worse.  

This year, the holiday block party is tomorrow afternoon and early evening.  I plan to attend and will see how it goes.  I have a really good support system right here on this block, so I think it will be okay.  If not, all I have to do is walk across the street to get home.

I wish I had some magic words to ease your pain, but I've come to learn that only time can help with that.  And even time can only help us learn to live with our grief.  It will always be part of us.

I am sending you all the warm peaceful comfort in the world.  Just keep breathing tomorrow night.  It's all any of us can expect to do on the worst of the worst days.

[Jttalways]

I want to numb the pain. I want to escape from myself. I want to escape from the grief. I want to escape from reality. I want to run away and never come back. 
 

Like I had mentioned, it’s been unbearable this past week to think about my husband. But my subconsciousness betrays me. I dream about him every night. He is always there in my dreams.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

I think that is a tough thing, leaving behind the year they last lived. I wish I had some words of wisdom but I don’t. What I can tell you is that it is going to happen, that next year is going to come, like it or not.  Even though it’s going to, it doesn’t erase all the years that came before it, nothing can do that. I know that’s little comfort but it’s something. 

I went through that when it was New Year's 2006.  But like you said here, nothing is erased by the change of a date, which is but a mere number.  He continues to live in my heart all these years later.  

foreverhis, I'm glad you have your neighborhood block parties, it's good to have support.  Our church is having a NYE party tonight, I'd like to be there but even if I could get a ride, I don't want to leave Kodie alone all evening after having to leave him alone today.  So it'll probably just be an evening like any other.

[Jttalways]

I would like to thank you all for helping me cope because I don’t think anyone in my life could. I have not seen a therapist or a grief counselor yet, so you all have been my support. My family and friends can’t relate and I am getting so sick of the “are you ok?” I was watching a reality show and a woman on the show mother had passed away. She was venting to a friend and said “Stop asking me about it. Don’t bring it up. Stop asking if I’m ok. I am not ok. I will never be ok for the rest of my life.” I completely felt what she said.
I would like to wish you all a happy New Year, even though I know it can’t be truly happy without the ones we love. I wish you all comfort and peace. Much love.

[Rhonda R]

It's so ingrained in us to greet each other that way.  I found myself answering the phone the other day to speak to another widow and I immediately said, "Hey _______, how are you?"  I didn't really mean how are you.  I know how she is.  What I should have said was so good to hear from you but it's so ingrained in me to ask how someone is, I just do it without thinking.  It's something I have to work on. 

[KayC]

On 1/3/2020 at 8:54 AM, Jttalways said:

I am getting so sick of the “are you ok?”

https://hospicefoundation.org/hfa/media/Files/Journeys pdfs/Ask-an-Expert_Metzler_gc-1-2020.pdf
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-what-is-not-helpful.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/01/what-to-say-or-not-to-person-in-grief.html

It might even help to hand someone the (last article) list!  Honestly, I think answering them in such a way that doesn't offend them but gently lets them know it's not helpful and what is more appropriate to say to you, is the best way I've found of dealing with this.  When I lost Arlie one of my sisters told me I "shouldn't feel that way."  I told her that was an inappropriate response, that I DO feel that way and that it's normal in grief.  She retorted angrily, "I can't say anything to you!" and I replied, "No, but it means a lot to me that you care.  Some things just aren't fixable."  She softened then.  There is no "fix" for grief, much as they might want there to be.
 

[Jttalways]

“How are you” doesn’t bother me as much as “are you ok?” Usually when someone asks “how are you,” I’ll reply “alright” or I’ll just shrug. But “are you ok” requires a yes or no answer. Most of the time I reply yes just to move away from the question, but the real actual answer is “No, I’m not ok.” 
Thank you for the article Kay. That was insensitive of your sister to say you shouldn’t feel that way about Arlie. I was watching the movie John Wick and he goes on a killing spree because these thugs kill his dog that his recently deceased wife had bought him. So there are some people who know how important pets make as companions, especially after the death of a loved one.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Jttalways said:

“are you ok?”

As well as can be expected.

[Gail 8588]

When asked how I am, or how am I doing,  I usually give a brief response such as "one day at a time" or "hanging in there"

Peace

Gail

[Moment2moment]

I had a great Christmas this year. Last year I was numb, this year I had my version (actually it was our version since the Recession) of a nice Christmas season.

I deliver food and flowers and this year I really enjoyed the lights in the neighborhoods and playing Christmas music in the car while my little dog rode along with me. I felt good memories, not sad at all. 

Also I decorated the place with lights and 2 little Christmas trees and she left me little signs that she was around. It was fun decorating and going through her boxes of ornaments.

Christmas eve and day I had pizza and Chinese and watch Christmas movies and rested.

I had an invite to dinner with friends out of state but did not want to take on that long ride. Maybe a visit in the spring.

I have a few older neighbors and dog people that I encounter on walks around the apartments, so I don't feel alone. l meet people out doing deliveries and exchange pleasantries. That is enough for me. I enjoy my solitude and freedom so it is nice to just do what I want when I want.

Call a few friends and wish them well, eat a few special things, shun the commercialism, enjoy the quiet and let the car stay idle while I enjoy dog walks and maybe a bike ride and good book or nap.

Blessings given and much needed-

Love

Lily Bell

[Gail 8588]

Lily Bell,

That is wonderful.  Exactly where I hope to be next year.  Thanks for sharing!

Gail

[KayC]

Lily Bell, that is so good to hear.  It's good to check in here, I know, that sounds almost morbid, but I consider you guys kind of my friends...had to put Kitty to sleep today.  It is a hard day.  I wrote about it in loss of pet.

[foreverhis]

Oh, Kay.  I am so sorry you had another loss.  You said you knew it was coming, but I know you know all too well that it doesn't ease the pain.  Hug Kodie tonight and let him comfort you.

[Moment2moment]

Kay, I am so sorry too. I feel your pain and sadness and I am sure you did the right thing.

[KayC]

Learning that she had hyperthyroidism which is treatable, but liver failure and kidneys failing, which are not and that her weight dropped from 9 lbs to 4.48 lbs...I knew I was doing the kindest thing for her.  She hasn't felt good since Christmas and possibly long before, they're good at hiding it as long as they can.