Members candycane Posted December 17, 2019 Members Report Share Posted December 17, 2019 My mother passed away in 2012 and something I developed is a complete lack of self confidence that is extremely noticeable...at least to me. I know how I feel. When my mother was alive, I did not consult with her 100% on everything but she was my back up in life. I had someone to turn to, to go to, to run to for insight. Now I don't have that anymore and I am scared all the time. (Forget "counseling". I tried that and even tried a few different counselors and it made things worse.) Has anyone else experienced this? Every day of my life I ask outloud when no one is around "Mom, where are you"? and things like that. I will say "Mom, please come home". I don't understand this drastic change in myself. I am single, no children, no boyfriend. Siblings could care less. Father isn't alive. No cousins, aunts or uncles that can step in. Friends...but none that are like family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nuvar Posted December 17, 2019 Members Report Share Posted December 17, 2019 candy cane, very sorry to read that you are still bound by this helplessness. i know that feeling of having someone to turn to, a backup, an anchor. that thinking of having someone who will always have your back. just this evening i did the same as you and asked somewhat aloud. i also cried ad said sorry... the overwhelming guilt still eats me from within. however, what do you think your mum would want u to do? that is to be strong and to move on, to do things that you love and find a purpose. she still lives, in your heart. im sure u do talk to her at times. u would probably be able to guess her response to your question. you are her legacy, her blood flows through you and she is alive in you its hard, but please keep moving. find something interesting as a hobby and work towards a cause.. little steps go a long way i strongly believe one day u will meet her again. between now and then, u got to do what it takes to feel alive, live the life you love and she would be proud take care and dont feel afraid to post here. cant promise i will always reply but i will read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members candycane Posted December 18, 2019 Author Members Report Share Posted December 18, 2019 Your answer seems so simple....so cookie cutter perfect. My life has really been changed. And I need to climb out of this. If thinking what my mother would say is the answer, I wouldn't be where I am. All the things you said, I already know about. My mother was more than a hobby. A hobby can't fulfill what we had. How has your life changed since your mother died and what has pulled you out of it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nuvar Posted December 18, 2019 Members Report Share Posted December 18, 2019 7 hours ago, candycane said: Your answer seems so simple....so cookie cutter perfect. My life has really been changed. And I need to climb out of this. If thinking what my mother would say is the answer, I wouldn't be where I am. All the things you said, I already know about. My mother was more than a hobby. A hobby can't fulfill what we had. How has your life changed since your mother died and what has pulled you out of it? My life has also been changed. I am very very close to my mum. Not sure if "close" alone depicts the close bond with my mum because I rely on her for many things. She cooks, washes and takes cares of all aspects of my life and my dad's life. Without her I indeed feel very very lost - the most insufferable being everyday I talk to her and whine to her and tell her my problems - this is no longer possible and I blame myself for this. To you, my answer seems politically right, but it is only what others here can tell you without going deep into the specifics and tearing you from inside, out. I dont know about you, but my life also holds not much meaning anymore - I am like a plant ripped from the ground and thrown somewhere. I am still looking for that meaning. My life has changed in all ways. From the moment I wake up, to the time I sleep and during sleep. I've had countless sleepless nights waking up in sweat and tears or waking up after 2 hours then not being able to go back to sleep. And that results in me not being able to perform at work or exercise much or have the passion or any heart left to do any other things. I have repeatedly said I am now alone and being blamed by everyone (including myself), I dont think my life is any easier compared to you or anyone. If I could be more blunt, it could be way worse in some ways (not everyone has to take care of a demented dad). Im also single and battling my own psychiatric disorders (not just the "cookie cutter" depression) which my mum was helping me with through reassurance. I ruminate, over bad thoughts, constantly belittling myself, judging myself and have extremely low self-esteem. I get bullied since young and am still bullied now, barely trying to hold a job and eke a living. So what do I do? I carry on working. Im trying to focus on my job and business and I read. I try to exercise. I seek out counsellors and psychiatrists and I rely on medications (which I am trying to wean off) What would you like to hear? Since you are sick of the seemingly "cookie-cutter", somewhat perfunctory replies, I will tell you I have not yet fully, or gotten any close to getting out of it. Grief is like cha-cha, 1 step forward, 2 steps back (or the other way). Sometimes you feel better, or get distracted, then the next day you get sucked back into the darkness. I am still seeking it, The meaning of life. I cant give up now. I know for sure I will never ever feel exonerated or truly happy. BUT, I know I cant stop in my tracks wallowing in self-pity - Life goes on whether you like it or not. That is all. I feel there is no meaning in life. You find that purpose and meaning. Life is really quite a meaningless existence and you spend your entire life finding it Do you want to spend your life pondering over what could have been and not making an effort to change, or bettering your life? Would that be what your mum wanted? Is that what you truly want? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Anne B. Posted December 22, 2019 Members Report Share Posted December 22, 2019 Hello, I understand how you feel. My mother passed 3 months ago. My father passed almost two years ago. Miss them so much. They were always there to give me support whenever it was needed. Loved spending time with them. They were the best company. Now when something goes wrong, no matter how slight, it burdens me. I also feel alone. Like you I just want them back. It feels like I can not handle one more thing, no matter how trivial. I'm praying that in time I'll feel stronger Thank you for listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members reader Posted December 23, 2019 Members Report Share Posted December 23, 2019 Dear candycane, I know a lot of us can identify with what you are saying. This empty feeling is part of our grief. There are no easy answers. I think we all just keep living day after day and do the best we can. Different things work for different people. I know I tried a little bit of everything, writing, art, talking, hobbies...there is magic solution. The loss is part of our identity but every day I try to make the choice that I know my father would want. Dear Anne, My deepest sympathies and condolences. Thank you for sharing you feelings with us. It is horrible difficult to carry on when we lose our anchors in this world. Keep taking it moment by moment. Thinking of you both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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