Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Instant death vs Terminal Illness


SLW

Recommended Posts

  • Members

I am writing a book about my wife’s illness, our journey together, her death, and my grief and life afterwards. One of the chapters in the book is called Instant death vs Terminal Illness. This chapter came about because I got a phone call about 5 days after my wife passed, from someone I know very well. This person said to me, “ You know, I’ve always been envious of people who got the chance to say goodbye”. I understand why they said it. But I was also angry. This person is referring to another person we both know who died instantly in a car wreck many, many years ago. I felt like saying, “You know what? “I didn’t get to say goodbye to her either”. Try watching someone you love more than life itself slowly fade away and there is nothing you can do about it. Maybe you’d rather be a caregiver like I was for 2 1/2 years. Yes, you know the end is coming, and you have time to say things to your loved one. But trust me, you also live in pain, agony, and suffering right along with them. I guess there are pros and cons to each. It would be interesting to hear what my grief friends think about this subject. 

However you feel either way, I would like to know. I may use your thoughts in my book. Sometimes I wish there was a knock at my door or a phone call telling me she was gone. That way, I would not have had to watch her suffer in pain for so long. But I’m also glad I was in her life to take care of her. Either way, you lose that precious someone. I miss you sweetheart. It was my honor to be your caregiver.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Every route to losing the love of your life is horrific. No one should minimize the pain another has suffered. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Every route to losing the love of your life is horrific. No one should minimize the pain another has suffered. 

Absolutely!  Comparilsons are invalidators and none of us want to do that to another's grief.

I experienced anticipatory death with my MIL, who was also my best friend and the mom I'd always wanted, as she was bedridden with cancer for three years, I was her caregiver.  What I experienced with that I will never forget, it was a time that was very very hard, but also special.  I'm glad I had that time with her and that she could be at home as she wanted.

My husband's death was unexpected and a huge shock.  He had just had his 51st birthday and seemed the picture of health, he had a great physique and worked hard.  Never in my wildest dreams did I expect I'd be widowed so young.  I felt cheated, we'd only known each other 6 1/2 years, married just 3 years 8 months, the happiest time of our lives.

You can't compare the two, they are different experiences.  One is not to be relished over the other, each carries difficulties of their own.  I often fear this subject will be upsetting to someone for the reasons you mentioned.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I lost my husband to cancer.  One year before his death, one of my best friends lost her husband to a sudden heart attack, he was 50.  We had this conversation, because we could.  We decided that whatever happened to you is the worst type of death.  You haven't experienced the loss of your husband any other way and although you understand the loss, you don't understand that type of loss.  Both are horrific.  In one instance you watch your superman fade away.  In another, he walks out the door never to return.  You "got" to say goodbye.  Many people can't accept that their loved one is dying.  Goodbye is too painful for many people so it is really never said.  The last two days of my husbands life, he felt like he couldn't breathe, he was in a constant state of discomfort and panic, he had end of life agitation and constantly felt like he needed to urinate, trying to get out of bed by himself.  There was no long tearful goodbye.  My job was trying to get him enough pain meds and keep him calm and in bed, which was impossible.  We finally gave up on hospice and got him to a hospital by ambulance.  From then on, he was in a drug induced coma.  My best friend watched her husband leave on a hunting trip, that she encouraged him to take for himself with friends.  Without warning, his family showed up at her house at 3:00 a.m. to tell her he was gone.  She has guilt over encouraging him to go, believing if he had been at home she could have done something to save him.  She goes over that final conversation again and again, regretting not saying all the things she should have said.  I have guilt over my husbands treatments and not being able to just BE there for him in his final days and regretting things I didn't think to say.  BOTH are horrific. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My husband was killed in a car accident when he was 33. I was pregnant with our first child. He died instantly. I take small comfort in that....however, it was still hideous....it is hideous....it always will be hideous and not fair. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I think they can't compare, but I don't envy people who watch their loved ones fade away, i imagine it would be like a part of yourself fading away too. 

But facing the sudden death of someone you love deeply, it's the sudden vanishing, evaporating that is torturing. I still in denial and shock untill now. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
21 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

We decided that whatever happened to you is the worst type of death.

 

21 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

Both are horrific.

Both statements so true!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
On 12/16/2019 at 4:40 PM, SLW said:

I am writing a book about my wife’s illness, our journey together, her death, and my grief and life afterwards.

I hope you will let us know when your book is completed, the name of it, where to buy it (Amazon?).  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
11 hours ago, chincube said:

I still in denial and shock untill now

How could you not be in shock?  I wouldn't have believed it.  Thought it not possible.  I would always be in a state of shock to be honest. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

After my husband got diagnosed with cancer, there was a day when he asked me if I would rather have an instant death or have a slow death.  I told him I would prefer an instant death (I don't want to be sick and suffer).  His response was he would like to have a few weeks so he could say goodbye to people.  I guess God granted him his wish because he passed 3 months after being diagnosed and was able to say goodbye to everyone he wanted to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I'm with others:  The worst type of death is the one that happened to each soulmate.  And the worst type of grief is the one that we're each living.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Being Christmas Morning...alone...I popped open the blog ...for what I don't know.  When I saw the title Instant Death vs Terminal....I admitted I had wrestled with that thought after exactly 2 difficult years of my loves care.  It was torture to see him struggle to live...breathe...watch the animals and property he loved disappear day by day.  Being the man he was....he wouldn't discuss it....only how to get through each day medically.  I was so focused on his care and maintenance of our two farms ....and primarily giving him all that I could that I believed he wanted....and that seemed to include never mentioning his or my future or how he felt.  Once he was gone....I was over whelmed with his loss...but also that he / we had never discussed how we felt.  I yearned for his love, his hugs, his kisses .....and the words how much he loved our life , would miss me , worry about me , care about me ....and likely cry together ?  Deep down I knew he couldn't do that ....but now.....I grieve for it even more.  One man in our Hospice group said he and his wife discussed it constantly ....and he is so grateful.  I've unfairly questioned my self .....did I do enough...did I do what he really wanted/needed ....did he wish I did/said something different ....did I make all the right medical decisions...could I have done more ? Deep down....I " know " I did my best....but still...I want/need more . I've asked my self....IF we HAD had those discussions....it wouldn't have helped him. He never wanted to cry....then it would have affected his limited breathing ( had Mesothelioma )....so I know it would have been a disaster for us both. So I go around in circles ....left in the same painful puddle ...alone....sad...stuck ....and some around me beginning to tire of waiting on me ( 8 months ).

I agree with all that feel ultimately it is the same lonely pain whether they left quickly or not.  We had plenty of time to say " goodbye"...yet it never happened.  While In Hospice Home , the volunteer once said to me he wished he would have just 10 days . We didn't discuss ...but I gather he meant...not much physical pain/care/cost...but time to address legal issues and hugs goodbye ?   Sounds practical.....helpful....but in the end....when you're alone.....you're   a l o n e. 

Another problem is the Guilt. The guilt of not doing / knowing some of the better decisions I should have made....with 20/20 hind sight of course !  Due to unfortunate timing, Nick had a dramatic all night problem on a weekend....which ultimately affected why he was moved to the Hospice House. What I didn't expect is that he would be heavily sedated and never be able to speak again.  I've beat myself up for not being able to manage the event better....avoid the Hospice/drug trip...and not a final knowing embrace. Not having a slower, calmer, fading at home ? Yet....truly ...I would still arrive at the same point I am now....deeply sad at losing our life together. As he would say to me now if he were here ....a different choice or result  "  wouldn't be better or worse....just different " .  

I keep trying to be grateful for the wonderful love, relationship, life , time that we had.....and I surely am....as I know how fortunate we were....but you are never prepared for the reality of the loss....whether short , long, quick...slow ....the ultimate pain from losing a love as we all have....it difficult to bear.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
3 hours ago, Mulelady said:

So I go around in circles ....left in the same painful puddle ...alone....sad...stuck ....and some around me beginning to tire of waiting on me ( 8 months ).

IMO, 8 months is but a breath and a single step along this journey of grief.  I'm coming up on 18 months and am just now fully feeling the weight of everything.  There may be people in your life who are unwilling to or who cannot understand that grief is not a straight path we go along for a short while and then come out "normal" again.  It's possible that you will either have to explain the realities or simply not be around them, at least temporarily.  They cannot fully grasp what losing our soulmates has done to us and our lives, but that does not excuse hurtful behavior, including making you feel as if you're a burden or taking too long in your grief.

A dear friend told me she has been concerned for me when we go out with a group of women for bagels and coffee after yoga.  The others talk about their husbands, their plans, the fun things they are doing, and sometimes complain about this or that.  This is the friend who lost her child at birth, so she knows grief.  She said it took her 2 years before she could even be in a room with friends or family who had small children.  She couldn't bear to watch shows that included babies or children.  She just couldn't do it.  So she has been very afraid that I'm smiling on the surface while being in agony inside when others talk about their husbands or when I see couples happy together.

I gave this some thought and realized two things.  The first is that I could not stand it for the first 6 to 8 months, which is part of why I was basically a hermit then.  I could only be around our best friends, who are grieving deeply for my love, and immediate family.  Another couple who are neighbors and friends were wonderful during that time.  He is the one who helped me with so many projects my love would have done or that we would have done together.  After about 5 months, they asked if I was up to coming over (literally across the street) for a cocktail to meet a friend of theirs and then go out for a casual dinner.  They made clear that they'd understand if I said no.  But I said yes and managed about 2-1/2 hours that evening.  I have eased ever so slowly back to the world, but am still not completely part of it.

The second is that I have unconsciously put couples into two categories.  Those I care about, family and friends who are dear, I am okay being around.  It does not hurt me to see them together, though it makes my sad that my love is not here with me, that he is missing so much.  The other category is couples who are strangers, especially ones who are clearly much older than my husband (71) and me (now 61).  I resent seeing them holding hands, laughing, and growing old like that together.  And people who I consider unworthy, people who are mean or greedy or liars or, well, you get the idea, but who seem to thrive.  That makes me wonder if there is any justice in the universe.  It's not pleasant to realize I feel this way, but feelings are just that, feelings.  They are all valid and I am not ashamed of them.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I am learning to be more in the world again.  There are small bits of light and hope that shine more often as time goes on, but it will be years, if ever, before I will be far enough along on this lonely road to be comfortable with the life I must live now.  I will always be in love with my husband.  I will miss him all day, every day.  I still do not look too far down the road because it is so painful and scary.

Grief is a long and painful road.  There are no shortcuts through it.  So I urge you not to think that you should somehow be "better" by now or further along.  This is your personal and individual journey.  The expectations of others do not matter.  The only thing that matters is you.

 

And to all, I wish you as much peace and comfort as possible today and every day.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Foreverhis :  I've felt many things you mentioned...and agree with your suggestions....but , I have a bit of a handicap socializing/meeting new.  I live in farm country 15 miles out of town....no neighbors or streets I can walk on.  We are both from divorces...baggage history w/ children....his family lives two days drive away and never travel....mine 7 hours away....but estranged after parents passed.  I have joined two Hospice grief groups .  Yes...it has been sad to see couples all around and not be in their shoes...worse...when I see them arguing !  I've read enough to know it's normal for so many people to avoid me, say unkind things , not include me or out right say I ought to " get a life ".  When I returned last week from Florida several joyfully asked if I had a "wonderful vacation ?". I know they hoped and meant well....but saying anything about a joyful time would be a lie.  I am a work in progress...I know...it's just hard to be in this club. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I've felt everything foreverhis mentioned and heard it from others too.

18 hours ago, Mulelady said:

out right say I ought to " get a life

I can't fathom someone saying this!  Inappropriate, insensitive doesn't begin to define this!  I'm so sorry. :angry:

18 hours ago, Mulelady said:

I am a work in progress...

We all are, I still am even after all these years.  It just isn't easy and it takes more effort than I ever could have imagined.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Jeff In Denver
On 12/16/2019 at 8:14 PM, Gail 8588 said:

Every route to losing the love of your life is horrific. No one should minimize the pain another has suffered. 

Well said!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.