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TAM1

Painful Reality

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TAM1

So many things have changed over the last almost three years with losses and changes. I've realized that my daughter-in-law fabricated terrible stories about me, things I never would do or say, during a visit in July of 2018 and this all came to fruition on August 5th, the day after putting my dog Missy down. Every Facebook posting and message they sent on August 4th in relation to this loss was deleted and I did not hear from them or see any acknowledgment for four months. Realistically, my son believed her, and I understand this completely - and the accusation came up again recently with additional things I had done that offended her during my last visit and my son said, "I love you but..."  I sensed something was not quite right during prior visits and she told me she "internalizes" things.  I know she loves my son and they have two lovely little boys and that's the most important thing.  

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KayC

Oh Tam, I am so sorry.  My DIL and that situation is much the same as yours.  I have always been respectful of my DIL and tried my best with her but I've been met with nothing but snottiness and she's been very unkind.  Sometimes she'll put on an act in front of others but not always.  When my dog passed away she never even said she was sorry for my loss.  Instead she was on a warpath with my son and at her ugliest.  I've learned to stay out of it and let him deal with it as best as he can.  I hang in there for him and my grandkids.  It hurts when your son sides with her, I know.

Times like this I miss my husband, he always knew and understood me.  I miss his arms around me.  I know you're missing that too.

 

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Glolilly

Hi Tam, I think "the new reality" is what is so mind boggling to me with the aftermath of my loss. I did not expect my husband's family to turn sour and fade out. (Deep Breath) I think,... no,...I truly know he would be displeased with them. They essentially abandoned their nephews because my sons love and respect their mother and they did and do not. I had to be a big girl and say to myself that I must go on no matter how they've changed after 25 years of marriage to their brother. I was invited to one of his siblings birthday party at an elegant restaurant last weekend.  The nicest sibling, the invitee told me that both mean siblings weren't coming. I got excited because I hadn't seen them in months. Well, I told my sons and only one wanted to go. So the invitee said the other ones would be glad to see us.  But then I got a text message the next day, a few hours before the party that she learnt that one mean sister is coming after all. She then said I could come at my own risk basically or otherwise have a great day!  I was hurt and disappointed that a couple hateful ones had so much control over the rest. I didn't go and now I have decided that I will no longer use one of the mean ones to do my taxes as she has for many years. If she didn't want to have me around then I will no longer support her business. It is dealing with changing relationships that I am starting to get better at. I feel like I would want my husband here stepping in charge with this mess, but its me now.

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KayC

I'm proud of you, Glolilly, for coming to terms as you have and doing what is best for you and your sons.  This is more common that one would think.  My husband's family has had no contact with me since he died...he was one of 11 kids, only three showed up for his funeral even though all but one live within two hours.  His own dad didn't even come even though offered a ride!  He wasn't on the outs with them, he was there for them, it amazes me!  One brother wanted to benefit monetarily (he was in prison) and I told him he could have a hospital bill if he wanted something to remember him by!  Never heard from him again, just as well.  I haven't gotten over his money-grubbing...here I was left destitute, trying to figure out how to handle it all and he wants a coin collection of George's that he no longer even had!  Wow.

I guess nothing surprises me anymore.  George would be sorely disappointed in his family and friends.  A couple of them owed us money for a car and a camper they'd bought from us...I never got a payment after George died.

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foreverhis
On 11/3/2019 at 7:04 PM, TAM1 said:

Realistically, my son believed her, and I understand this completely - and the accusation came up again recently with additional things I had done that offended her during my last visit and my son said, "I love you but..."

While I do understand the bond between husband and wife, I do not understand why your son didn't ask you about it himself.  I'm sorry to say this because I do not know anything about the overall situation, but your DIL's passive-aggressive behavior really makes my angry.  She is intentionally harming your relationship with your son, which will ultimately affect their sons.  I wonder if she acts this way toward your son and if their boys are being taught that it is normal to "internalize" that way and then lash out with lies.

I'm sorry that you and Kay (and no doubt others) are dealing with even more pain and feelings of loss because of hurtful behavior of "family."

 

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KayC

Perhaps it is out of jealousy of our relationship with our son, who knows.  I try not to waste my thoughts on why she does anything, it's enough to have to deal with it. In my situation she has been so nice to my sister, making my sister think I'm just hard on her.  ??!!  Whatever.  She gushes to my sister yet treats me like crap, esp. when my son is outside or taking a shower.  I treat her with respect but will call her on things too.  I know my son has blinders on, even if he sees, because what else can he do, he has to live with her at the end of the day...she's the mother of his kids.

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foreverhis
3 hours ago, KayC said:

Perhaps it is out of jealousy of our relationship with our son, who knows.  I try not to waste my thoughts on why she does anything, it's enough to have to deal with it.

Maybe it is out of jealousy.  You're smart to not dwell on why she is the way she is because there's little you can do beyond the respect you show her and standing up for yourself if necessary.  It's a shame that your DIL has gotten your sister involved in her little "war" with you. 

My MIL and FIL had little to do with us because they had a horrid relationship with each other and most others in the family.  My husband put his foot down close to 30 years ago when they yet again called him wanting him to "referee" one of their fights.  I was in the room when he said, "I am not doing this anymore.  Your behavior upsets me, and is hurting my family, especially your granddaughter.  I will not allow it. Call me when you want to be civil and have an actual conversation."  He hung up (did not slam) the phone and sighed.  His mother was pleasant to me, but his father treated me alternately like a potted plant and a maid if they were visiting after that.  I was always pleasant and never confrontational, but I think my FIL thought I had something to do with his son becoming estranged from them.  Hardly.  He had been driving his son away for a long time before I met him.  I will never understand some people.

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Rhonda R

I had problems with both my husband's kids.  His daughter never had anything to do with us.  She wouldn't have even been at his bedside the last two days if I hadn't called her.  She was never there for one hospital visit, doctor visit, nothing ever.  His son on the other hand, spent time with us when he was home but lived in Texas going to school and really couldn't be bothered.  He made it to two appointments,,,ever.  They both tried to take over after Randy passed.  His son left me a nasty message on my phone which I still have.  I've had nothing to do with his daughter since he died, good riddance!  I have tried to work things out with his son and I do see him briefly when he is home from Texas but to be honest, I'm doing it for Randy, not myself.  I could literally never see either of them again and it would be just fine.   

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Jttalways

@Rhonda R my husband’s family rarely saw him also. His parents and siblings hardly made an effort. I felt so bad for my husband. He acted like he didn’t care, but I know he did. I didn’t understand and I still don’t understand why they didn’t make more of an effort. They would give my husband a bunch of lame excuses for not visiting. When I spoke with them about the funeral arrangements, I was waiting for opposition so I could tell them exactly where to go. Lucky for them, they didn’t oppose to my plans and I obliged their requests. I didn’t have to, but I did just to keep the peace. I keep it cordial and respectful because at the end of the day, they are my son’s family. But like you, I couldn’t care less if I never saw any of them again. I hope they feel guilty now. 

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Rhonda R
21 minutes ago, Jttalways said:

I hope they feel guilty now. 

I don't think people like that feel guilty.  At the time of my husband's first surgery in 2013, they both lived 20 minutes from the hospital.  He was there for a week.  They didn't call, send a card or flowers or come to see him.  They were mad at him for leaving their mother two years earlier.  I got opposition at the funeral and I did tell his daughter off.  In the end, I kept the peace because the funeral was literally starting when she started up.  She wanted his urn placed inside her flowers instead of placed inside mine that said husband.  They felt like just because they had "known him longer" they got more of a say.  Just thinking about it makes my blood boil! 

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Jttalways

@Rhonda R I'm glad you told her off! 5 days after my husband's funeral, our son had knee surgery. You think they would have called, texted or visited their own grandson/nephew, but nope, they didnt. But hey, they werent there for their son/brother that was dying from cancer, so why should i expect them to be there for our son? 

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Rhonda R

Because you always have hope that somewhere deep inside, they can get past themselves but some people just can't. 

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KayC
23 hours ago, Rhonda R said:
On 11/8/2019 at 8:24 AM, Jttalways said:

I hope they feel guilty now. 

I don't think people like that feel guilty.

Just what I was going to say!

On 11/8/2019 at 8:24 AM, Jttalways said:

Lucky for them, they didn’t oppose to my plans and I obliged their requests. I didn’t have to, but I did just to keep the peace. I keep it cordial and respectful because at the end of the day, they are my son’s family.

You took the high road, that's always best.  Even so, nothing wrong with us putting them in their place when occasion calls for it!

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