Loss of partner

[Jesslr]

Hi, 

I am wanting to share my story. My partner grew his angel wings 40 days ago. He completed suicide. Apart of me died that day too. My whole life is such a mess. I have no idea how to move forward. It is such a great loss for me & I thought he was my forever person. I have so many feelings of guilt & responsibility for what he has done. I blame myself constantly. It hurts so much to know that he didn’t want to be here anymore & for the pain he was suffering. I knew that he suffered from anxiety but I never thought he would do anything to harm himself. It saddens me that he felt like he couldn’t tell me how he was feeling. I have so many unanswered questions that eat me up. I have no idea what to do next. The days are just getting harder & I don’t believe that I am strong enough to make it through this without him. Can anybody relate? 

[Gail 8588]

Jesslr,

I am so sorry for your loss. Our circumstances may not be the same, but the pain of loss, the feelings of guilt, the not being able to comprehend how we will go on, these are the feelings we all share. Our world has been torn asunder and it is incomprehensible how the rest of the world seems to be working normally. 

Your grief experience will be different from mine. We are each on a unique journey, that we did not choose to take. But everyone here struggles with many of the issues you are facing.  Please feel welcome to come here and vent, cry, question about anything.

I hope you can find a support group or therapist you can go to in your town, as that can be very beneficial.

I am so sorry for your loss.  So sorry that you find yourself joining this group, that none of us would ever have chosen to join.  But I hope you find some comfort here, as I have.

For now, just try to get through one day at a time. Breathe. Put one foot in front of the other.  With time you will feel more connected to the world than you do now.

Peace,

Gail

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Jesslr said:

It saddens me that he felt like he couldn’t tell me how he was feeling.

Someone just posted this: 

  27 minutes ago, Artemis2019 said:

I said to my therapist recently, "I don't how i can get past this awful feeling of guilt." Her response was simple and something I can latch onto: "You get past it by being open to other possibilities and interpretations of events." "Being open to" is something I can do. I don't have to change all my beliefs, just open the door for the possibility that I truly did the best I could for my husband. And being open to the idea of forgiving myself for being human and fallible. So I think about that now, when I start mentally rehashing all the bad stuff. It does help. 

I am so sorry for your loss.  Most do not tell anyone how they're feeling.  This is not your fault, he is the only one who could have changed his course, yet I imagine that doesn't stop you from feeling that way anyway.  We tell ourselves things with our head but it seems our heart/feelings are in charge.

You've found a good place to come to.  We may not have all the answers, but we care.  As Gail said, one day at a time, that became my mantra.  Right now it doesn't feel doable, but one day turns into the next and the next and years have a way of passing.  It's been 14+ years for me, I didn't think it possible.

I wrote this at about ten years out...the things I've found helpful, I hope something on it helps you now, maybe something else on it helps you later on down the road.  Our journey is ever-evolving, it won't always stay in this level of pain.  I had a friend and coworker commit suicide many years ago, I'd known him and his parents all his life.  It's hard.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Glolilly]

My husband did not commit suicide and I can not imagine what you are feeling. But I did have guilt for a long time from day one after my husband's sudden cardiac arrest at home because I had been a nurse for 30 years. He did not share the symptoms he had been experiencing a few months because he didn't want me to nag him to go the doctor. I had to finally accept that I am not God, and that I am NOT all knowing and all powerful. He made his choice unaware of the outcome of ignoring his symptoms.I learnt later that he was causally telling a male friend about occasional chest pain. I have been released of that heavy burden since God allowed my husband to leave the world that day and that particular time from his error. I have to accept that I gave all that I could give to him with my love, time, sacrifices and so much more. I hardly ever did anything for myself on the weekends. I stayed home to make the house spotless after working all week long. Men (some or most) don't tell us everything, the good and the bad. Women are emotional and we talk way more than men. Men try to be tough and keep things to themselves. They were made like that. This doesn't apply to all but a lot of men don't share all of their feelings. After 25 years of marriage, I told my husband a few months before he died, "I bet you don't tell me everything and You have sons still here to raise". He said to me, If something happens to me, you all know what to do from here. I never forgot that statement. So he admitted he kept secrets but felt he had brought us far enough that if something happened we should be able to make it. We are making it but I don't think he knew what we would have to go through to make it. But we lean on the good Lord for each and every day and are surviving pretty good. Everyone gets moments of extreme pain but some of us react on it in different ways. We may never know how the pain brought about the suicide but for him it was the option at the that particular moment. Prayers for you today!