Jump to content

Find out how to register Here!!

Check out how to register on the site!.

Share Your Loved One's Pictures

In our beautiful Gallery

Grief Support Marketplace

Check Our New Products In The Marketplace

Take Grieving.com on the Go!

Buy on Apple and Google Play
New Members - Check Your Spam/Junk Folder for Confirmation Email ×
Shellbell22

My sweet innocent Jackie Lynn

Recommended Posts

Shellbell22

My Jackie started as a Jack.  Skinny little thing came to our patio for leftovers from our 3 indoor cats. She/he hissed every time I tried to pet her/him until one day she let me pet her and it was instant purr and love for both of us.  I kept calling him jack cuz it looked like a jack rabbit but as the days went by her tummy got bigger and bigger and she was now a Jackie.  I told her I was not going to fall in love but alas that was just me trying to protect my heart as I’d just lost an outside kitty we called Thumper (he only had 3 legs) and came with the neighborhood but we fell in love too.  He was attacked one night by a dog but I never did see it...I just saw signs and felt it from the neighbors so I was in no mood to love anymore.  It didn’t stick cuz Jackie communicated with me more than most humans.  She gave me her trust and eventually brought her kittens to us.  We got them all fixed..neighbors were pains about the kitties running around and eventually her daughter we named chloe got hit by a car ..that night I laid down outside on a blanket with her and she hugged my arm. It was heartbreaking as it is reliving her life.  For a year we left the garage open a little and she slept in my car for a year before finally braving the 3 big scary cats in the house. 2 male one female.   I am giving the complete story because it was a slow process to get her to finally become my lap cat.  We assumed she was 6-8 months when we met her and that was 9 years ago.  Took her to vet and of course her throwing up was IBD as one of my other cats had as well

that was just a background on our love ..so she was my little sweetie who lived in doors and got beat up by the other Cat who is nuts....so 8 1/2 years of taking the time to make her a comfortable inside house cat who thought she was queen and walked around confidently she was my love.  On Saturday October 5th we were working on our new bed frames and in the morning she fell asleep on my lap snoring  I let her stay and looked at her knowing how comfortable she was.  I had to get up and that was the last time I held her.  We went about our business and by 3 ish we got into jacuzzi to relax after our hard work.  She was still on the sofa I think or she was on our patio we let her enjoy the air on her favorite chair.  I went upstairs to shower and in the back of my mind I thought I should check on Jackie but I didn’t.  Took my shower got ready to go to dinner by covering up the sofas so gidget  crazy cat wouldn’t pee on them but Jackie hated the sound of plastic and I saw her prance towards the dining area where she sleeps on a chair at night..  I thought to myself again.. don’t go to dinner.. stay home but hubby wanted to go so I didn’t say anything.  I checked the patio to make sure she wasn’t out there and shut the door but didn’t check her chair just assumed she was there. Went to dinner..went to Sams.. came home.  Said hello to cat we have in our garage , called for Jackie,looked under every bed, closets..she wasn’t in and we hadn’t even noticed .. we think she escaped from the patio.  There was a party at the end of the street and my husband was in the mood to crash it.. I looked and looked and still thought she wouldn’t leave her home she’s still in there.  I wasn’t too scared yet I knew when we came back she would come in.  But that night our yard was xtra busy, feral. Arts that we feed, raccoons wanting food.. I. Allied for her..I think she was in the bushes but was too scared with all the action.  My husband went out with flashlights..I called.. so she had done this once before years ago and in the morning came trotting in.  Bella 9(feral we feed) was on the back wall and I felt she was blocking JAckie and called for her but she never came.  I stayed awake till 1;30 keeping screen door open but again I think Bella had her scared.  I woke up at 4;35 and turned alarm off and called for her gently so I didn’t disturb neighbors.. waited a bit and went back to bed.  Woke up at 6;30 and brought my robe down so when she came in we could cuddle.  I turned alarm off but when you open the doors it beeps so at 6;58 I opened the side door and I’m sure she heard it and was feeling safe now that it was light and mom was up but in an instant I saw Bella fly past me and poco make a mad dash in the bushes so naturally I was looking to see where Bella was running from but I didn’t see anything.  I called lib=ghtky for Jackie but nothing... about an hour in a half later with no Jackie I saw the crows gathering up the hill and I knew it was my baby.  It is too far and steep or I would have run but I just knew it was over.  I posted an urgent on Nextdoor and a neighbor said she had video of coyote carrying my sweet baby.  It is the single most devastating thing that had ever happened to me..I think about all the missed opportunities to bring her in.. why didn’t I try harder the night before,why hadn’t I checked for her before going to dinner,why didn’t I go out the back door instead of the side door.  My poor precious innocent girl was just waiting for me to get her in the morning and had no clue to the danger.  I blame her for escaping,I blame me for not being a better mother not getting her in not yelling at her to get in not think on my feet,I blame Bella for blocking her.  She was the most sweet angel and I can only think she wanted me and why was she being attacked.  I cry at least 3 times a day but I have to hide it from my husband because he thinks I need help.  Says I’m not fun for him.  My gut is ripped up my heart Brocken.  People tell me to get another cat but I can’t.  I feel her terror, her questions.  I see her face scared.  I debated on going on the hill to try and get what was left but my husband wouldn’t go with me and I dont know if I could handle it.  It’s been 3 1/2 weeks and I still feel like it just happened.  I needed a place I could go and write my story in hopes there are others who understand.  I want to kill all coyotes...so angry, so sad,I’m mad at everything and everyone including myself.  Sometimes I want her back so bad but I know I’ll never see her again. 

6B5231E3-4D07-4AAD-AE8B-1C8C7461668C.jpeg

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Shellbell22

I miss everything about you.  You’d Sit and watch  tv with me.  I keep thinking your at the water dish.. walking around .. I miss your cry..your snacks laying on my lap.. kissing me .. your frantic look when your dad and I got into a heated argument...my baby  I’m never going to c u again

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC

I am so sorry for your loss, I know all too well the pain.  I personally hope to see my Arlie again and hope with you for your Jackie as well (I once had a Missy that turned out to be a Micky so that part made me smile).

For you and your Jackie:

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AJWCat

My heart breaks reading your story I am so sorry. Of course you are still crying. My husband and I were both devastated but yeah, at some point I think I stopped crying in front of him too just so I wouldn't stress him out. :( I am sorry your cat had such a traumatic end - mine did as well. We were told from the ER vet he ingested poison of some kind although we don't know how. We were staying in a vacation house and I never found anything after scouring the place. But he got violently sick and more I won't go into but he suffered and I have had to learn to live with that and come to terms with it. All I can do is focus on the 10 wonderful years we gave him. So I know how painful this is. It will not go on like this forever but it does take time. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Shellbell22

Thank you so much but it’s been a month and I can’t quit crying.  I have thought about going to the top of the hill to look for her remains and get mixed emotions.  I want to see her face and let her know I cared but on the other hand I might find pieces.. I just loved her Soo much.  I’m on adivan but it really helps very little.  I feel so guilty.  Why didn’t I scream her name,why did I go out the other door, why didnt I stay home when my gut told me too.. how did I miss her not being in the house.  I’m racked with guilt and even though my brain knows  its over she’s gone my heart is so angry and Brocken.  She was so innocent.  I’m sorry for your loss as well.  Jackie wasn’t my first to go but this is the worst.  2015 I lost both my 10 year old males 6 months apart.  1 had cancer the other all of a sudden couldn’t breathe without panting heavy and rushed to vet he had congestive heart failure.  That was2015 .. we had Jackie and gidget.  Jackie had been my baby all along.  She was at the most 8 1/2 or 9 as she was a feral whom we had rescued off the streets.  Thank you so much for responding because I am truly thinking I need help. I just can’t quit crying.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC

Oh Shellbell, there is nothing wrong or amiss about your crying this long, it's been over eleven weeks for me and I still bawl like it was yesterday!  I don't know at what point my tears will dry up but my body will still go through the aching motions of gut-wrenching wails.  I miss my baby and nothing assuages that.  It's okay, get it out, it's better than bottling it up and holding it back.

You did well to get so far with a ferral, I befriended one once that I named Peek-a-boo because he'd peek around a corner at me.  He was in my life a year but my son had to put him down because he was suffering and his body full of infection, his eyes, it reeked, we knew it was too late for help.  It broke my heart when we buried him.  Some cats don't get a fair shake in life and he was one of them.  Jackie was fortunate to have met you and had someone love her.

Guilt seems to come with grief, we reprimand ourselves with our regrets and wishes we could do this or that over...personally I think it's our way of looking for a different possible outcome, but some things seem to haunt us.  I found these articles helpful:

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
https://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AJWCat

I know the anger and the guilt. I felt at one point like I was going mad because the emotions wouldn't subside those first few weeks.

I understand it's the worst loss you've ever had. Don't blame you. It's weird how when something that goes wrong it's never just one thing, it's a bunch of things. You had a busy day. Which is not your fault. You've probably had many nights where you had a busy day, then went out at night, etc. But, then she escaped. Which also in and of itself on any given night could've been no issue. But the other animals blocked her. Then predators were out at exactly the time they were. It was just ironic horrible timing. It doesn't change what happened but I hope you can begin to forgive yourself. I know it's so hard. I wish I could ease your pain. 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Shellbell22

I go to,the spot I thought she was at every day and I don’t understand why I I’d yell out her name, why I went out the other side instead of the back door which would have been towards her,why I didn’t hear her or that bea chasing her and I feel as though she knew I was up and stretched and got surprised.  I did go up th vast hill to look for her last Sunday.. I think I found a cat but couldn’t be sure and after that I decided it’s best to remember her the way she was.  I think of my poor innocent child wide eyed and running for her life.  I wish I had tried harder to get her in knowing how other cats scare her if she had seen me I could have escorted her in.. but none of that happened.  I neve fund he in the night as she was hiding but I know she heard me..I look back on the video and I know I tried but always that nagging feeling did I try hard enough.. thank you for chatting with me... I miss her constantly.  

  • Like 1
  • Sad 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC

I lost my Miss Mocha 3 1/2 years ago.  I never let my cats out at night, but it was an early June morning and broad daylight.  She went outside and I went out with her.  I was busy in the yard, not paying attention.  It wasn't until late afternoon I realized she wasn't around...I never heard anything all day.  I assume a cougar got her, because I never heard anything, not a protest or a cry and cougars are quick.  The cat goes into shock which protects them from what comes, they don't realize it.  Nature protects them thankfully from being part of the food chain. It's horrible to think about, my beautiful sweet little girl.  For a long time I'd glance at the patio door, hoping to see her there, wanting let in.  It never happened.  I searched the back yard and forest...nothing.  I put up flyers, contacted neighbors, posted on FB.  No one saw/heard anything.  She was in great health, she loved it here, she'd never leave of her own volition.  She PICKED this home to live in!  

It's a terrible feeling, I know.  Should I have never let her outside?  Perhaps, but my cats had known freedom before coming to me, it's hard to change that.  They are persistent when they want out, they don't take no for an answer.  I know Jackson (My Cat From Hell) says never let them out, but easier said than done.

I haven't seen a bear go after a cat before.  The bears around here eat berries, plants.  Cougars, large birds, they prey on them.  I wish you had an answer.  I guess all we can do is dwell on the years we had with them, they were happy with us.  It's hard to come to grips with, I know.  Yes we continue to miss them, for years after.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Shellbell22

Your story is heartbreaking too.  I’m reading it crying.  I have a sixth sense about some o my cats and Jackie was the most communicative I’ve ever had. She would tell me what ever she wanted.  I would feed her and she would come in and get me and make me sit with her.  That day we were busy putting our new base to the bed together which made her nervous and we have a patio with high enough (or so I thought) glass she couldn’t and wouldn’tescape from.  She too was a feral and it took me two years of gentle nudging to get her to come in and live but she finally caved and loved it.  I knEw she had Never know before I was glad to get it. I will say even in the house we had to make sure at all times all doors were closed as she did try to go out many times.She had gotten out twice before an onean ll nigtee which is why I just thought she’d come waltzing in if I just opened the door.  But on this night thing ready to go out and in my head I said go find Jackie as last time I saw her was on the patio. I took my shower, said agai to MySQL mike sure jackie is ok and put covers on sofa as the other cat didn’t care for the competition and pee’d on everything.. in my mind I kind of remember seeing her give me a look and left the sofa and my mind said go after her as patio door was still opened.  Even as we were getting ready to leave I took my bloo sugar and it was already sky high and we were going to Olive Garden and I knew that would blow my sugars higher and considered just staying home but hubby had his mind set .. I checked the patio..no Jackie, but I didn’t check her sleeping spot on the dining room chair........and that is number 1 failure.  Many more after that.. feels like a snowball effect that no matter what my baby was destined for danger.and so many mistakes made by me.  I wish I could say she just got out but I just didn’t know and assumed she was in.  Had I known.. I woulda not gone out...at least till she came in u our hills are notorious for coyotes and I knew that.  Like I said sooo many mistakes and guilt I didn’t hear her cry either... I opened my door at 6;58...saw the outside cats running at 7;02 but I never screamed her name...I jut t to the area I thought she was and said her name.  In any event.. days aren’t great but bearable.  Nights I just sit on my sofa and look at her spot on the sofa and cry.  She should be here.  I think I will never be the same .. I’m just miserable ...thank you so much for sharing.  I know it’s hard re living it.  I haven’t had her come to me in my dreams and I think she’s probably angry.  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC

Coyotes are another thing...years ago I had a 40 lb dog named Lucky...our truck got stuck on top of a mountain and we had to walk home...it was 7 pm when we left and we didn't get home until 1:30 am.  We ran into a band of coyotes, a couple of them left the group that was singing and dancing and followed us, circling around, they wanted our dog.  My son and I took turns carrying the dog and throwing stones back at the coyotes.  When we hit pavement they finally turned back, but I have never forgotten how eerie and menacing they were.  It was my closest encounter with them. 

As I said, if it was an animal that got her, the shock sets in immediately, protecting her from what happens, that is my only consolation with my Miss Mocha, knowing that. It's over now and I look forward to the day we can be together again, my beautiful little girl and I hope that is what you will be able to focus on too.  You were a good mom and gave her the best years of her life.  That is also my comfort with my Miss Mocha too.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.