Lost my Fiance/Soulmate Unexpectedly

[Ashley A]

Hi All.

I lost my soulmate three weeks ago and am in an absolute downward spiral. We had just celebrated our 4 year anniversary in July.

I now wake up every morning hoping today's the day we'll meet again.

I'm frustrated with everyone telling me I need to start living my life. I've barely accepted the fact that he's no longer here! The hardest times seem to be in the morning. It's like i'm re-living this nightmare over and over again hoping for a different outcome. My fiance used to wake up extremely early in the morning and he would always make sure to text me good morning -  even if we were arguing the night before. The two days prior to his passing were spent bickering and arguing over the most unimportant things. We were in the middle of planning our wedding (with 6 months left until we said "i do")  so to say our stress levels were over the top is an understatement. The day before he passed, he stopped by my job to bring me flowers as a peace offering. He knew I loved little romantic gestures. We ended up getting into an argument that night over him taking a side job even though he was over worked by his main job. We spoke on the phone and made up. I had asked him to call me when he got home but since he was getting home late he offered to text me and if i responded, he'd call. I ended up falling asleep and missing his text. That morning I got the most earth shattering news - that he was no longer with us and had passed in his sleep. I feel like my heart, dreams and future died with him that day too. We had all these things planned - getting married, buying a home, starting a family & now I feel like that'll never happen.

My whole world has been turned upside down and am completely lost. Each day feels like a new punch to the heart and the pain more intense than the previous. I can't help but feel extreme guilt for how those last two days went and that i'm in some way to blame for his passing. I just don't know how to do this without him.....

[KayC]

Ashley,

I am so sorry, this is the one thing I would hope no one else would ever have to go through.  You sound young, all the more unfair.  He was your whole world, but so were you his.  Yes death interrupts all our dreams and plans, the future that won't play out now.  It's been over 14 years for me now.  I didn't see how I could live without him a week, but somehow I've had to get up and keep going even though my world imploded on that day. Days turned into weeks, then months, and now years.  What I didn't see as possible has occurred.  I wrote this at about ten years out, of the things I'd found helpful, I hope something on it will strike you as helpful too, if not now, maybe later...especially the one day at a time (or minute).  Try to remember to breathe.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Ashley A]

Hi Kay,

Thank you so much for reaching out. My Fiance was just 32 years old (turning 33 in December) when he passed and i'm 30 years old. I feel like i'm mourning in two parts - him & my future.

I've tried not to look into his passing so much but there's still so many unknowns. He was healthy. I'm sure once we find out - it'll be like re-opening the wound again. I have so much guilt and have been trying to be gentle with myself. I can't help but feel somewhat responsible for this happening. If I would have answered his text we probably would have been on the phone and he wouldn't have gone to sleep. Or if maybe we wouldn't have been arguing the two days prior.

I've been taking it minute by minute because that's all my heart/brain can handle. When I start thinking too far ahead, I break down. I'll definitely try to read this to myself once a day.

I have hope hearing your story.

[Dutchess62]

This happened to me with my husband almost 2 years ago . He was gone from the house when it happened and I was the last person he spoke with . Like your fiance he would text me and call me alot when he was away and he died right after speaking with me I would find out later . I didn't know what had happened to him for 2 days so yes its the worst news .  A terrible shock.  Just take it super slow . Literally one day at a time and when you do find out , be gentle with yourself . I cannot stress that enough . Lots of self care . I just now recently found out what happened and yes its rough all over again . Even this far out . Just give yourself unlimited time to readjust . Like many will say , I wont get over it but I am slowly SLOWLY learning to live with it . 

[foreverhis]

22 hours ago, Ashley A said:

I'm frustrated with everyone telling me I need to start living my life. I've barely accepted the fact that he's no longer here!

Oh geez.  These are among the most infuriating, painful things people say.  Sure it's 3 weeks later and, much like the flu or a sprained ankle, you're supposed to be "over it" and "move on."  No that's not how grief works.  It most definitely is not how this type of loss is experienced. 

What we have experienced and are going through is permanent.  What changes over time, as I am learning slowly, is the way we cope and how we incorporate our loss into the new unwelcome lives we are leading.  I'm more than a year into my own journey and feel I have just barely started to figure out how to have any sort of life without my love.

It's not you, it's them.  And it's our society's inability to accept or understand death, loss, and grief.  No, we pretend these things don't exist and so have clue how to react or help each other.  Although no two stories are alike for the members here, we do understand each other and do not judge, lecture, or presume anything.

Right now, just keep breathing and do ignore inconsiderate, thoughtless people or look them straight in the eye and tell them how wrong they are.

Big warm, comforting hugs are coming to you from the currently very warm (86 degrees) central coast.

[Ashley A]

54 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

 it's our society's inability to accept or understand death, loss, and grief.  No, we pretend these things don't exist and so have clue how to react or help each other.

I agree with this 1000%! Not that one can ever prepare for something of this magnitude, but if society was a little more open -  it would be something talked about instead of being looked down upon. I know most people mean well when they try to comfort you by saying "he's in a better place" but i feel like that is the biggest punch to the gut because he'd be better off here. And when people ask how'd he pass after i say in his sleep just riles me up.

If only we had a little pop up above our heads that said we're dealing with (passing of a loved one, mental heal issues,etc) maybe people would be a little more kind to each other.

3 hours ago, Dutchess62 said:

 Even this far out . Just give yourself unlimited time to readjust . Like many will say , I wont get over it but I am slowly SLOWLY learning to live with it . 

I'm very afraid that i'll never be able to get over this

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, Ashley A said:

I'm very afraid that i'll never be able to get over this

You will probably not want to hear this, but you're right.  You will never get over the loss of your love, just as I will never get over the loss of mine.  The painful and unwelcome change to our lives is permanent.  IMO, it's very important that we start to understand that as soon as we can.

This does not mean that our grief will not change over time.  I'm a bit more than a year into my own journey and can say that the raw, excruciating edges of my grief have started to soften.  I am able to handle my day-to-day life a little better.  I've had bits of light and hope peak through.  I am lucky to have a small, but loyal and caring, group of friends and family who do not judge, who include my husband in the "now" as well as the past, and let me be however I need to be--including not calling or emailing for weeks at a time if I just can't handle it.

I talk to my husband every day.  I cry every day, sometimes a little and sometimes a lot.  I have many of his things around the house right where he left them.  If someone thinks I'm weird or in denial because his 2nd favorite hoodie (I gave our daughter his favorite) and backpack are hanging on his hook by the front door, I don't care.  These things give me comfort and allow me to breathe.  I do not and may never look too far down the road because it is dark and murky and not at all what we wanted.  I have to be honest and tell you that if I try, my heart starts beating too fast and I hyperventilate.  So I often force myself to focus only on what I must do in the moment.  Kay is absolutely right that the cliche of "one day (or hour or minute) at a time" is a cliche for a reason:  It's true and it's the only way to get through the shattering of our lives and hearts.

Your loss is so new and so shocking that you will not even have been able to take it all in.  The truth is that you may have to boot some people out of your life, at least temporarily, if they cause you more pain than you are already experiencing.  It sounds as if you are young, which brings with it a whole additional layer of loss, the "could have been."  Some people in our lives tend to start in with the "move on" and "find someone new" and "better place" absurdities because our grief makes them uncomfortable and/or they don't know what to say or do.  They just want things to get back to normal as soon as possible.  What they do not understand is that normal no longer exists for you.  I don't even like the concept of "finding a new normal."  What I believe we all need to do is try to find a way to move forward, slowly and carefully and in our own time, as we incorporate our grief and loss into the life we are forced to live now.

All I can offer you is my sincere sorrow that you have found yourself here with us.  Please don't be afraid to reach out day or night to talk, to rant, to cry, or to ask for help.  We will be here and you will never be alone.

Here's the link to a really good TED Talk that one of our members posted several months ago.  The speaker is several years into her own journey and is also young, but even we older members agree that so much of what she talks about is universal and universally difficult to express.  Just recently I told our daughter that there are no words to describe my grief.  She said she supposed "not succinctly" and I said, "No, sweetie, I mean at all.  The words do not exist."  She and her dad were very close and she is also grieving deeply, but she has realized that it's not the same and that she cannot fully grasp what it is like for me.  I'm slightly prejudiced, but she's just about the best daughter we could have asked for and even she has had her moments of speaking before understanding.  The truth is that no one can "get it" except those walking the same road with you.

 

[KeirKieran]

I'm so sorry you're already getting people telling you to get over it. That's just awful.

I lost my baby almost 2 months ago and a lot of your story sounds so familiar. Young, went in her sleep, unknown causes, I missed her last message... and now all the life I'd hoped to have with her is gone.

Cus we're not just grieving them, we're grieving a whole future that could have been. A great future. A happy future. You were planning your wedding. I don't understand why anyone would think 3 weeks was enough.

And it really sounds like you had someone great to build a life with. 

But people are the worst at helping, aren't they?

Right after I got the call, after I've been sobbing for 2+ hrs, my friend was trying to suggest things I could do to "honor her memory". I didn't want to honor her memory, I didn't want her to BE a memory! I wanted my baby back! It was like she was being shunted into the past already.

Kay's list is a great one and that tedtalk was dead on for me. It made me feel much more okay to hear that I didn't have to "move on". Moving forward with her memory sounds far better.

Take your time, move at your pace. Somedays I just go and get something small at a restaurant and sit somewhere. Outside, or looking out a window. Letting things just... be. It helps a bit.

[mydeepestthoughts]

Dear Ashley
My condolences on the passing of your fiancé. The unexpected death of a loved one leaves us open to many regrets, Reflecting on things that was said, and unsaid. If we dwell on those things it can mentally, and physically drain us. Why not focus on the beautiful memories, the happy times?

Those happy thoughts will help you through the deep despair that our great enemy death brings to us. Dwelling on the promises that the Bible has for our future, also brings relief.
How? The Bible teaches us that the effects of death will be overturned.
John 5:28,29
Do not be amazed at this, for the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice 29 and come out.

This is the hope that can calm our despair..and help us heal .

Please take a moment and learn about this hope and many others that are found in God’s word the Bible.

www.jw.org/en/li...dex]=0

My condolences

Sent from my iPhoneDear Ashley
My condolences on the passing of your fiancé. The unexpected death of a loved one leaves us open to many regrets, Reflecting on things that was said, and unsaid. If we dwell on those things it can mentally, and physically drain us. Why not focus on the beautiful memories, the happy times?

Those happy thoughts will help you through the deep despair that our great enemy death brings to us. Dwelling on the promises that the Bible has for our future, also brings relief.
How? The Bible teaches us that the effects of death will be overturned.
John 5:28,29
Do not be amazed at this, for the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice 29 and come out.

This is the hope that can calm our despair..and help us heal .

Please take a moment and learn about this hope and many others that are found in God’s word the Bible.

www.jw.org/en/li...dex]=0

My condolences

Sent from my iPhoneDear Ashley
My condolences on the passing of your fiancé. The unexpected death of a loved one leaves us open to many regrets, Reflecting on things that was said, and unsaid. If we dwell on those things it can mentally, and physically drain us. Why not focus on the beautiful memories, the happy times?

Those happy thoughts will help you through the deep despair that our great enemy death brings to us. Dwelling on the promises that the Bible has for our future, also brings relief.
How? The Bible teaches us that the effects of death will be overturned.
John 5:28,29
Do not be amazed at this, for the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice 29 and come out.

This is the hope that can calm our despair..and help us heal .

Please take a moment and learn about this hope and many others that are found in God’s word the Bible.

www.jw.org/en/li...dex]=0

My condolences

Sent from my iPhoneDDear Ashley
My condolences on the passing of your fiancé. The unexpected death of a loved one leaves us open to many regrets, Reflecting on things that was said, and unsaid. If we dwell on those things it can mentally, and physically drain us. Why not focus on the beautiful memories, the happy times?

Those happy thoughts will help you through the deep despair that our great enemy death brings to us. Dwelling on the promises that the Bible has for our future, also brings relief.
How? The Bible teaches us that the effects of death will be overturned.
John 5:28,29
Do not be amazed at this, for the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice 29 and come out.

This is the hope that can calm our despair..and help us heal .

Please take a moment and learn about this hope and many others that are found in God’s word the Bible.

www.jw.org/en/li...dex]=0

My condolences

Sent from my iPhone

 

Dear Ashley

   My condolences on the passing of your fiancé. The unexpected death of a loved one leaves us open to many regrets, Reflecting on things that was said, and unsaid. If we dwell on those things it can mentally, and physically drain us. Why not focus on the beautiful memories, the happy times?

 

Those happy thoughts will help you through the deep despair that our great enemy death brings to us. Dwelling on the promises that the Bible has for our future, also brings relief.

How? The Bible teaches us that the effects of death will be overturned.

John 5:28,29 

Do not be amazed at this, for the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice  29 and come out.

 

This is the hope that can calm our despair..and help us heal .

 

Please take a moment and learn about this hope and many others that are found in God’s word the Bible.

 

 

My condolences

ear Ashley

   My condolences on the passing of your fiancé. The unexpected death of a loved one leaves us open to many regrets, Reflecting on things that was said, and unsaid. If we dwell on those things it can mentally, and physically drain us. Why not focus on the beautiful memories, the happy times?

 

Those happy thoughts will help you through the deep despair that our great enemy death brings to us. Dwelling on the promises that the Bible has for our future, also brings relief.

How? The Bible teaches us that the effects of death will be overturned.

John 5:28,29 

Do not be amazed at this, for the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice  29 and come out.

 

This is the hope that can calm our despair..and help us heal .

 

Please take a

15 hours ago, Ashley A said:

I agree with this 1000%! Not that one can ever prepare for something of this magnitude, but if society was a little more open -  it would be something talked about instead of being looked down upon. I know most people mean well when they try to comfort you by saying "he's in a better place" but i feel like that is the biggest punch to the gut because he'd be better off here. And when people ask how'd he pass after i say in his sleep just riles me up.

If only we had a little pop up above our heads that said we're dealing with (passing of a loved one, mental heal issues,etc) maybe people would be a little more kind to each other.

I'm very afraid that i'll never be able to get over this

 

 

My condolences

Dear Ashley

   My condolences on the passing of your fiancé. The unexpected death of a loved one leaves us open to many regrets, Reflecting on things that was said, and unsaid. If we dwell on those things it can mentally, and physically drain us. Why not focus on the beautiful memories, the happy times?

 

Those happy thoughts will help you through the deep despair that our great enemy death brings to us. Dwelling on the promises that the Bible has for our future, also brings relief.

How? The Bible teaches us that the effects of death will be overturned.

John 5:28,29 

Do not be amazed at this, for the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice  29 and come out.

 

This is the hope that can calm our despair..and help us heal .

 

Please take a moment and learn about this hope and many others that are found in God’s word the Bible.

 

 

 

My condolences

Dear Ashley

   My condolences on the passing of your fiancé. The unexpected death of a loved one leaves us open to many regrets, Reflecting on things that was said, and unsaid. If we dwell on those things it can mentally, and physically drain us. Why not focus on the beautiful memories, the happy times?

 

Those happy thoughts will help you through the deep despair that our great enemy death brings to us. Dwelling on the promises that the Bible has for our future, also brings relief.

How? The Bible teaches us that the effects of death will be overturned.

John 5:28,29 

Do not be amazed at this, for the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice  29 and come out.

 

This is the hope that can calm our despair..and help us heal .

 

Please take a moment and learn about this hope and many others that are found in God’s word the Bible.

 

 

My condolences

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Ashley A said:

I have so much guilt and have been trying to be gentle with myself. I can't help but feel somewhat responsible for this happening.

Guilt is a part of grief, we FEEL guilty but that does not MAKE us guilty.  Rationally we can know with our heads we didn't do anything wrong and we couldn't have known this would happen and we couldn't prevent it...we're not God...but with our hearts we FEEL "what if..." it's like we're trying to find a different possible outcome, but there isn't one other than what happened.  You're not alone in your feelings.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

16 hours ago, Ashley A said:

I'm very afraid that i'll never be able to get over this

We don't get over it but we do learn to continue and adjust to the changes it means for our lives...it can take a long time though.  Grief has a beginning but not an ending, but it will not stay the same, it evolves throughout our journey.

[Ashley A]

On 10/23/2019 at 9:59 PM, foreverhis said:

The truth is that no one can "get it" except those walking the same road with you.

 

I feel this so deeply. The loss of a partner is something earth shattering, whether it's one year or decades being together. 

I've also been having conflicting feelings of being selfish and only thinking about my mental health and trying to allow people in my life. I've distanced myself from my family because it's too painful when they ask how I'm doing constantly. I don't think they know how to handle this situation as we've never experienced such a devastating loss. 

That video was beautiful. I'm not sure if I can fall in love again because I really do feel like my fiancé was my person but it's nice to see that she's been able to push through. And that gives me hope.

[Ashley A]

On 10/24/2019 at 2:12 AM, KeirKieran said:

I'm so sorry you're already getting people telling you to get over it. That's just awful.

I lost my baby almost 2 months ago and a lot of your story sounds so familiar. Young, went in her sleep, unknown causes, I missed her last message... and now all the life I'd hoped to have with her is gone.

Cus we're not just grieving them, we're grieving a whole future that could have been. A great future. A happy future. You were planning your wedding. I don't understand why anyone would think 3 weeks was enough.

And it really sounds like you had someone great to build a life with. 

But people are the worst at helping, aren't they?

Right after I got the call, after I've been sobbing for 2+ hrs, my friend was trying to suggest things I could do to "honor her memory". I didn't want to honor her memory, I didn't want her to BE a memory! I wanted my baby back! It was like she was being shunted into the past already.

Kay's list is a great one and that tedtalk was dead on for me. It made me feel much more okay to hear that I didn't have to "move on". Moving forward with her memory sounds far better.

Take your time, move at your pace. Somedays I just go and get something small at a restaurant and sit somewhere. Outside, or looking out a window. Letting things just... be. It helps a bit.

I'm with you on this. I don't want them to be a memory, but there's just nothing we can do to bring them back. That's what I think hurts the most - the fact that people want to push him into the past when he's still my present and future.

I just watched the Ted talk video and it really hit home. I'lll never move on. But I will be able to bring him with me into my future.

That's absolutely all we can do - take our time and heal at our own rate. Sometimes I feel that when I'm by myself it's better than being surrounded by a group of people. I just want to sit in my memories because we made some really good ones. I just wish people understood sometimes and didn't judge when you needed some time alone.

[dailystruggle]

Ashley,

You had a cruel  twist of fate.  You aren't only mourning your finance, but your future together. There is no normal, and the pain comes fresh each day. Don't let anyone tell you to move on and get over it. You had this wonderful person who made up the fabric of your life, and now he's gone.  My husband, my best friend, the keeper of our memories, my comfort in bad times, my jester all times, my future--has been erased from my life.  Get over it? Nope.  I like the Ted tape too.  Move forward.

 Then there is guilt.  Being stressed is human, being snippy is human, sometimes being petty is human.  Just know this: we are all human.We're struggling and that is where our beauty lies.  We aren't perfect.  Our imperfections and struggles are what make us who we are...and lovable.   Your finance had ALL of you. The good and the not so good.  That is intimacy.  I'm sure he felt that knowing you, imperfections and all,  was a blessing.  And thank you for bringing that up.  My husband needed a lot of care at the very end.  I was totally exhausted, depleted and sometimes numb from lack of sleep and the painful reality of what we were going through.  I've been experiencing a lot of guilt about that lately.  Listening to you and reflecting on that helped me process it.  Thank you.

Try to find those friends who are understanding of your process.  They might not be who you think.  I have been surprised at the idiocy of some family and friends, and have been absolutely blown away at the kindness, patience, and understanding of others.  Find those people and let them be your safety net.   I've had to get out of the house at 10 at night because I couldn't take being alone for one more minute, I've had to be nudged out of bed at 3 in the afternoon.  I think having a few really good people in your life is important.

KayC made a wonderful and insightful  list.   I'm new to this horrid, heartbreaking process. ( my husband died in July).   That list will serve as my guide.

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, Ashley A said:

I've also been having conflicting feelings of being selfish and only thinking about my mental health and trying to allow people in my life. I've distanced myself from my family because it's too painful when they ask how I'm doing constantly. I don't think they know how to handle this situation as we've never experienced such a devastating loss. 

I'm going to be blunt:  You are entitled to be selfish right now.  Repeat this to yourself as often as necessary.

Please do not beat yourself up or think you are grieving "wrong" because you are putting you and your mental (and physical) health first.  You are your first priority.  No one else's opinions, expectations, or desires matter.  I rarely say things like this, but what would your love want you to do?  I don't mean any of the hurtful and absurd cliches like "move on" or "be happy."  I mean specifically, wouldn't he want you to take care of yourself as best you can?  If that means distancing yourself from your family or anyone else, then that's what you must do.  The distance need not be permanent, of course.  Time will help.  It won't seem like it right now, but it will.

You're right that they don't know how to handle your loss and grief.  It's not possible to fully understand until it happens to us first hand.  Often people don't know what to say or do, so they either pretend nothing has happened or they use cliches that they may not even realize are hurtful or insulting.  Honestly, I still don't like to be asked "How are you?" because the standard "I'm fine" is so meaningless and something I hated even before I lost my husband and because when I say, "Not too well" or something like that, even people close to me can be stymied on follow up.  Inside I can get defensive and think, "My life and heart are shattered.  How the hell do you think I am?"

Please allow yourself to simply be however you need to be in whatever way helps you keep getting out of bed each day and breathing.

[KayC]

You are not only ENTITLED to be selfish right now, but it is necessary!  It takes everything within us to get through this and that involves focusing on what we're going through.  We're here with you, we "get it" and want to walk through this with you...it's a long journey, just breathe and do today, tomorrow you can tackle tomorrow.

[dailystruggle]

Absolutely.  "Being selfish" isn't only ok.  It's entirely necessary.  A hard lesson to learn for those of us who've always put other's first and don't want to inconvenience others.  Listen to these ladies.  It is a "must".

[fzald]

19 hours ago, dailystruggle said:

You had a cruel  twist of fate.  You aren't only mourning your finance, but your future together. There is no normal, and the pain comes fresh each day. Don't let anyone tell you to move on and get over it. You had this wonderful person who made up the fabric of your life, and now he's gone.  My husband, my best friend, the keeper of our memories, my comfort in bad times, my jester all times, my future--has been erased from my life.

I can relate to this. It's especially hard when we lose someone at a young age. My GF died when she was only 22. One of the articles I saw written about her said something like "Most people's lives are just getting started when they're 22; her life was fully lived throughout." Something similar was said at her funeral. It's true, she did "live life" a lot, but she had so many more plans for herself, and being only 22, you see the world ahead of you as limitless, full of possibilities. She wanted so much. Even though she already had a lot of great experiences at her young age, she wanted more, and she deserved more. She wanted to travel, she wanted to get married (to me, I hope?) and raise a family, she wanted to record and publish a CD of her singing (I was going to produce for her, since I have a home studio), she wanted to have a full time job, and so much more. I can't even list all of the things she dreamed about, because that list would go on forever. And I really do believe that I was intended to be a part of that future, that all of those experiences we would have had would have been shared together. That's really what I wanted for our relationship and our future, was just to experience life and the world together. Not only was my future with her taken, but her future was taken from her.  

Sometimes the idea of her being still "alive" spiritually is comforting, other times it's frustrating, angering and heartbreaking all at once. Sometimes the thought that I might be with her again in the next life is comforting, other times it's painful, because this is the life we were supposed to share. Maybe the next life is even better, but it's still going to be lost experiences in this place. 

Not to diminish the struggles of older grievers, but those of us under, say, 35 or 40, face an even bigger confusion: will we ever be with another person? My mom told me, when my dad died, that she resolved to just being alone, since she had 35 wonderful years with him and that was all she needed. Me, I had 6 years with my GF, but I'm only in my 30s, and I ideally have a lot of life left - the thought of spending that much time alone is even more terrifying. My mom got to live out many of her dreams with my dad, the dreams they had together. I not only have the loss of my GF, but the loss of those dreams too. I still have dreams, but I can't imagine sharing them with anyone else but my GF. That's in some ways even more painful than losing someone after having experienced a lifetime of love.

19 hours ago, dailystruggle said:

Then there is guilt.  Being stressed is human, being snippy is human, sometimes being petty is human.  Just know this: we are all human.We're struggling and that is where our beauty lies.  We aren't perfect.  Our imperfections and struggles are what make us who we are...and lovable.   Your finance had ALL of you. The good and the not so good.  That is intimacy.  I'm sure he felt that knowing you, imperfections and all,  was a blessing.

I think this is one of the hardest things to face. Especially in a sudden death, there's so many regrets, so many things to feel guilty for. I still feel guilty for being resistive to some of her needs at times, I feel guilty for those times I made her upset, I feel guilty for basically anything that I might have done to hurt her or push her away. The ordeal I've been facing for almost the past month makes this even worse, because I feel like what if my own actions may have contributed somewhat to what was accused... 

19 hours ago, dailystruggle said:

Try to find those friends who are understanding of your process.  They might not be who you think.  I have been surprised at the idiocy of some family and friends, and have been absolutely blown away at the kindness, patience, and understanding of others.

I am fortunate to have a couple friends who themselves have experienced the grief associated with losing a relationship partner to death. It's a sad club we belong to, and it's a club that, in a truly righteous and good place, shouldn't ever have to exist. These friends and a couple of my family members who have also lost their spouses are the only ones who can truly understand, and can truly accept and help me with this. For me, it's almost three years in. For the most part, I did well. But setbacks happen, and I've faced a hell of a setback this month.

I try my hardest to focus on the good memories, the happy times, those moments where I really felt the love, even up to the very last time I saw her in person and told her I'd miss her, and she giggled (oh, the sound of her laugh, so magical) and smiled and said "I'll miss you too but I'll be back next week!" That memory still haunts me; nobody had any idea that she would leave that day and walk out of my life, out of this life, forever. The morning of her passing we also spoke for a few minutes, casually, normal conversation between us, and then within a couple hours after that she went unconscious, and never woke again. 

Everyone's grief is different. Sometimes, happy memories comfort and warm you, other times they rip you apart. Sometimes even remembering the less happy times can be comforting, because it reminds you that the person was real and human and imperfect, but other times they rack you with guilt. Sometimes looking at photos or other memories makes you smile, other times it makes you cry hot and heavy. Psychology can try to explain why we experience grief at a scientific level, but the experience of grief is excruciating and, sadly, universal for most humans. It truly is one thing almost all humans have to experience at times, and it's one of the worst experiences we're capable of having. All we can do is promise to never forget our loved ones, never forget the love we shared, and live in their honor and memory. 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, fzald said:

Maybe the next life is even better, but it's still going to be lost experiences in this place. 

This.

[Ashley A]

On 10/26/2019 at 1:07 PM, fzald said:

I can relate to this. It's especially hard when we lose someone at a young age. My GF died when she was only 22. One of the articles I saw written about her said something like "Most people's lives are just getting started when they're 22; her life was fully lived throughout." Something similar was said at her funeral. It's true, she did "live life" a lot, but she had so many more plans for herself, and being only 22, you see the world ahead of you as limitless, full of possibilities. She wanted so much. Even though she already had a lot of great experiences at her young age, she wanted more, and she deserved more. She wanted to travel, she wanted to get married (to me, I hope?) and raise a family, she wanted to record and publish a CD of her singing (I was going to produce for her, since I have a home studio), she wanted to have a full time job, and so much more. I can't even list all of the things she dreamed about, because that list would go on forever. And I really do believe that I was intended to be a part of that future, that all of those experiences we would have had would have been shared together. That's really what I wanted for our relationship and our future, was just to experience life and the world together. Not only was my future with her taken, but her future was taken from her.  

Sometimes the idea of her being still "alive" spiritually is comforting, other times it's frustrating, angering and heartbreaking all at once. Sometimes the thought that I might be with her again in the next life is comforting, other times it's painful, because this is the life we were supposed to share. Maybe the next life is even better, but it's still going to be lost experiences in this place. 

Not to diminish the struggles of older grievers, but those of us under, say, 35 or 40, face an even bigger confusion: will we ever be with another person? My mom told me, when my dad died, that she resolved to just being alone, since she had 35 wonderful years with him and that was all she needed. Me, I had 6 years with my GF, but I'm only in my 30s, and I ideally have a lot of life left - the thought of spending that much time alone is even more terrifying. My mom got to live out many of her dreams with my dad, the dreams they had together. I not only have the loss of my GF, but the loss of those dreams too. I still have dreams, but I can't imagine sharing them with anyone else but my GF. That's in some ways even more painful than losing someone after having experienced a lifetime of love.

I think this is one of the hardest things to face. Especially in a sudden death, there's so many regrets, so many things to feel guilty for. I still feel guilty for being resistive to some of her needs at times, I feel guilty for those times I made her upset, I feel guilty for basically anything that I might have done to hurt her or push her away. The ordeal I've been facing for almost the past month makes this even worse, because I feel like what if my own actions may have contributed somewhat to what was accused... 

I am fortunate to have a couple friends who themselves have experienced the grief associated with losing a relationship partner to death. It's a sad club we belong to, and it's a club that, in a truly righteous and good place, shouldn't ever have to exist. These friends and a couple of my family members who have also lost their spouses are the only ones who can truly understand, and can truly accept and help me with this. For me, it's almost three years in. For the most part, I did well. But setbacks happen, and I've faced a hell of a setback this month.

I try my hardest to focus on the good memories, the happy times, those moments where I really felt the love, even up to the very last time I saw her in person and told her I'd miss her, and she giggled (oh, the sound of her laugh, so magical) and smiled and said "I'll miss you too but I'll be back next week!" That memory still haunts me; nobody had any idea that she would leave that day and walk out of my life, out of this life, forever. The morning of her passing we also spoke for a few minutes, casually, normal conversation between us, and then within a couple hours after that she went unconscious, and never woke again. 

Everyone's grief is different. Sometimes, happy memories comfort and warm you, other times they rip you apart. Sometimes even remembering the less happy times can be comforting, because it reminds you that the person was real and human and imperfect, but other times they rack you with guilt. Sometimes looking at photos or other memories makes you smile, other times it makes you cry hot and heavy. Psychology can try to explain why we experience grief at a scientific level, but the experience of grief is excruciating and, sadly, universal for most humans. It truly is one thing almost all humans have to experience at times, and it's one of the worst experiences we're capable of having. All we can do is promise to never forget our loved ones, never forget the love we shared, and live in their honor and memory. 

This whole post hits home. Everything that you're experiencing is the exact same emotions i'm going through right now.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Ashley A said:

This whole post hits home. Everything that you're experiencing is the exact same emotions i'm going through right now.

I'm sorry, it's hard, I know.

[Ashley A]

Hey all. I've been having a hard time with my family (specifically my mom). I've maintained a very close relationship with my fiance's family/parents since his passing a month ago. Everyone(my family) seem to think that if i'm still in contact with them, that i won't be allowing myself to "move on". I can't imagine my life without his family. They've taken me under their wings and opened their home to me. My fiance and I used to spend every weekend at his parent's home outside the city. I 100% feel like my fiance would still want me to have a relationship with them and I almost feel like he's brought us together to be able to push through this horrific ordeal. 

Did anyone go through something similar? 

[dailystruggle]

Dear Ashley,

This time, and your life, is about YOU.  If you've formed comforting, loving bonds with your fiancé's family, then you MUST maintain that relationship. He's still a part of you, and so are they. They are experiencing the closest trauma to what you're feeling.  If you withdrew from them, they would be experiencing yet another loss--as would you.

 My brother still maintains a close relationship with his ex's family.  He's remarried and they've embrace her too.  What I'm saying is, if you can maintain those  positive relationships and still move forward. There are no rule books here.  Only you can know what is right for you.

Fzald, I understand how you might feel older people might not have the same grief confusion as a younger person.  I can only speak from my own experience.  My husband and I found each later in life ( in our 50s).  It was the first relationship I ever had that was so powerful, loving, fun and peaceful.  I'm going through the same thing.  I don't feel my life is over.  Will I ever find that again?  Am I destined to spend these years that we made such rich and wonderful plans ( we hiked, biked, kayaked, just bought a new paddle board and did scuba diving) alone? Our last third, that we had saved and planned for has been cruelly erased.  I'm terrified and miss him so incredibly much.  I'm 65.  Everyday he told me how beautiful, funny and cute I was.  Will that ever happen to me again? Most likely not.  I'm a senior citizen, even though I never felt like it until now.  I do find that I envy younger people who will eventually move forward and will find deep and abiding love again.  And since you had such a loving experience, your standards will be high.

I guess there is just no 'better or worse " grief.  It all just sucks and we have no choice but to move forward no matter where on the chronological continuum we are.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Ashley A said:

Everyone(my family) seem to think that if i'm still in contact with them, that i won't be allowing myself to "move on".

They couldn't be more wrong.  We don't "move on."  His family is a precious connection to him.  Don't allow your family to influence/cheat you out of that.

 

1 hour ago, dailystruggle said:

This time, and your life, is about YOU

Amen!  And you do it YOUR way.

 

1 hour ago, dailystruggle said:

I guess there is just no 'better or worse " grief.  It all just sucks

For sure.  All comparisons do is invalidate or minimize someone else's grief, something none of us want.

[foreverhis]

20 hours ago, Ashley A said:

Hey all. I've been having a hard time with my family (specifically my mom). I've maintained a very close relationship with my fiance's family/parents since his passing a month ago. Everyone(my family) seem to think that if i'm still in contact with them, that i won't be allowing myself to "move on".

The whole notion of moving on or getting over this is complete and utter nonsense.  It's wrong and it's hurtful when people say things like this.  I do realize that no one can truly understand until and unless it happens to them.  I also know that they do not intend to cause more pain, which is why we sometimes have to tell them outright to stop and why.

Even though I'm sure your family only want you to "feel better," they also need for you to get back to "normal," back to the you from "before" because your grief is uncomfortable and difficult for them.  Of course your mom doesn't want to see you in such pain.  Our daughter and granddaughter are grieving deeply for my beloved husband.  It hurts my heart to know that they will never see him again, to know that their lives have been irrevocably changed.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and make things easier because that's what moms do.  We do not want our children to hurt either physically or emotionally.  What your mom and whole family need to realize is that your normal no longer exists.  They need to understand that there is nothing that will make your grief journey better, easier, or shorter.

This is your grief and your loss.  It is yours alone to figure out and to navigate.  There are no words that can describe the permanent hole in our lives, the shattering of our hearts, and the way that grieving affects every aspect of our lives.  All we can do is make our way along this dark journey by finding whatever bits of light and comfort we can.  I think it's wonderful that you have forged and kept a bond with your fiance's family.  He is not just part of the past you share, but the present and the future.  He will be with all of you always.  That you can help each other, comfort each other, and love each other should be embraced.  It is something for which your family should be deeply grateful

I hope that your family is able to accept this.  If they can't or won't, then you may need to tell them outright to stop.  They need to respect that you are a grown woman who can and will decide for herself what is best.  Though I realize that like all of us here, what would be best would be for your soul mate to be here with you. 

[Ashley A]

13 hours ago, dailystruggle said:

This time, and your life, is about YOU.  If you've formed comforting, loving bonds with your fiancé's family, then you MUST maintain that relationship. He's still a part of you, and so are they. They are experiencing the closest trauma to what you're feeling.  If you withdrew from them, they would be experiencing yet another loss--as would you.

 My brother still maintains a close relationship with his ex's family.  He's remarried and they've embrace her too.  What I'm saying is, if you can maintain those  positive relationships and still move forward. There are no rule books here.  Only you can know what is right for you.

In my heart, I have absolutely no doubt that my Fiance would still want me to be around and with his family. It's something we enjoyed immensely. I've had conversations with his parents and they feel the exact same way. That we don't know how, but we will get through this together.

My faith has been really tested after this. But i've gotten back into praying because I don't want his soul to get lost or be in limbo. I want him to be at peace. I'm not even sure this is how it works but when his family and i are together - i feel like his spirit doesn't have to choose who needs him most and he can just be with us all at the same time.

[Ashley A]

5 hours ago, foreverhis said:

This is your grief and your loss.  It is yours alone to figure out and to navigate.  There are no words that can describe the permanent hole in our lives, the shattering of our hearts, and the way that grieving affects every aspect of our lives.  All we can do is make our way along this dark journey by finding whatever bits of light and comfort we can.  I think it's wonderful that you have forged and kept a bond with your fiance's family.  He is not just part of the past you share, but the present and the future.  He will be with all of you always.  That you can help each other, comfort each other, and love each other should be embraced.  It is something for which your family should be deeply grateful

I hope that your family is able to accept this.  If they can't or won't, then you may need to tell them outright to stop.  They need to respect that you are a grown woman who can and will decide for herself what is best.  Though I realize that like all of us here, what would be best would be for your soul mate to be here with you. 

I hope so too. I love my family, but right now his family is the closest thing I have to him. I've been pushing my mom away because it makes me very upset to know she feels that way towards them. I can understand as a parent, her want to try to "fix me" but right now the best medicine is being with them. 

[KayC]

None of us knows for sure how things work in the hereafter, we have what the Bible tells us but there's a lot that isn't mentioned.  I'd like to think they aren't limited like they are here with their bodies, maybe they can be with all of us even if we aren't in one place.  it's refreshing to think about anyway.

[Ashley A]

15 minutes ago, KayC said:

None of us knows for sure how things work in the hereafter, we have what the Bible tells us but there's a lot that isn't mentioned.  I'd like to think they aren't limited like they are here with their bodies, maybe they can be with all of us even if we aren't in one place.  it's refreshing to think about anyway.

I haven't thought of it that way but it does calm me! Thinking he doesn't feel torn between one person or another and he can comfort anyone of us at anytime.

[KayC]

Even if they can't be in more than one place at a time, they can easily go back and forth between us...I don't know if we actually get wings but that may not prevent us from appearing here and then appearing there. It's something to think about anyway.