My Precious Micah - (05-21-2019)

[AJWCat]

I am glad Kitty was with you as some comfort during this time. She probably misses Arlie too. 25 is amazing. I thought I would have at least a couple more years with our guy. But there's never enough time.

It's not a nice Christmas thought (sorry) but I used to think my sudden loss was the worst but making the decision and deciding when it's time is horrible too.    

[A.P. Hill]

21 hours ago, KayC said:

I love that.  I'm afraid I haven't long for Kitty anymore either, she's not eating enough, she's skin and bones and oh so cranky.  25 is a long life and I know I can't expect her to live forever, but oh how hard it will be...

I wish Micah and Arlie could join us today.

Wow, 25 years is incredible.  I've never had any pet come close to that.  It will be very hard when that painful decision must be made for Kitty.

I wish our boys could have been with us yesterday also.  I've still got the mess on the floor, just in case.

 

[A.P. Hill]

20 hours ago, AJWCat said:

It's not a nice Christmas thought (sorry) but I used to think my sudden loss was the worst but making the decision and deciding when it's time is horrible too.    

That's so very true AJW.  The loss is crippling but the deciding when to let go is equally so.  The grief is only compounded when you throw in a heavy dose of guilt thinking you could have prevented the loss. 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, A.P. Hill said:

I've still got the mess on the floor, just in case.

This brings me a smile as I still have Arlie's coat hanging on the chair, his toys in the toybox (Kodie drags them out now even though they're so big for him), I finally gave my son his dogfood, his doghouse will remain and I still want to have a sign made that say's "Arlie's fence."  It was made for him and will always be his...as you say, in case he ever wants to come back.  His bed still lays in it's place.  I miss my guy so much.  

I too wonder if I should have known he had cancer, why the vet didn't notice anything amiss in his cursory physical which was shortly before discovery with blood tests.  His lymph glands were swollen, they should have investigated...I know, it was probably inoperable then too but these thoughts go through your head.  What did I miss, should I have done something else, should I have known?

[A.P. Hill]

20 hours ago, KayC said:

This brings me a smile as I still have Arlie's coat hanging on the chair, his toys in the toybox (Kodie drags them out now even though they're so big for him), I finally gave my son his dogfood, his doghouse will remain and I still want to have a sign made that say's "Arlie's fence."  It was made for him and will always be his...as you say, in case he ever wants to come back.  His bed still lays in it's place.  I miss my guy so much.  

 

Kay:

It is very tough to let go and we probably never will.  I still position Micah's pillow next to me when I go to bed.  Once again, just in case he wants to snuggle up.  Some mornings I'll wake up and expect him to be laying by head or sitting there staring at me waiting to be fed.

Warmest Regards,

Steve

[AnneDS]

I'm so very sorry for your loss of beautiful Micah. What a special relationship you had. How wonderful that you found him/ he found you - and you could have time together. and I know you sad and devastating it is to lose such a wonderful and very special furry friend.

[A.P. Hill]

On 2/3/2020 at 8:37 AM, AnneDS said:

I'm so very sorry for your loss of beautiful Micah. What a special relationship you had. How wonderful that you found him/ he found you - and you could have time together. and I know you sad and devastating it is to lose such a wonderful and very special furry friend.

Dear Anne:

Thank you for your kind and caring sympathy.  It has been a very difficult journey.  I am coming up on 9 months since Micah's death.  It seems as though each anniversary of his death, becomes more and more difficult to handle.  Maybe it's because with each passing month, I find myself missing and loving him even more deeply than I thought was humanly possible.  His 8th month anniversary absolutely crushed my spirit.  From the moment I woke, all I could do was sit on the edge of the bed and cry.  The remainder of the day I hid in my office and was inconsolable.  A psychiatrist would have had a field day analyzing me that day.  I've been doing much better since that day but I know the 9th anniversary will be just as difficult.  Once again, thank you so much for reaching out to a grieving man.

 

Warmest regards,

Steve 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, A.P. Hill said:

Maybe it's because with each passing month, I find myself missing and loving him even more deeply than I thought was humanly possible.

I can relate. the ache in my heart deepens.  He was so perfect for me.  I say that and people automatically defend my puppy...it's not about my puppy, of course I love him, but Arlie and I had years to build a wonderful relationship and he was so smart and learned to be...well just perfect for me.  I've learned to not mention it to others, they don't get it and it doesn't help to have to defend my stance.  I am grieving my beautiful boy.

I'm sorry it's so painful for you.

[AnneDS]

Steve, your love for dear Micah and his love for you is so precious- I completely understand how difficult it has been for you to recover from this loss. Regarding the guilt you expressed, I understand that too. And you will know this well from reading the gut wrenching stories on this site. Many of us feel painful regrets, doubts, wondering if we could have prevented their deaths - replaying over and over how we would have and should have and could have done things differently that might have prevented death or if not, then we have regrets and doubts about what we did that contributed to their suffering. It seems to me that you only wanted to give your beloved kitty every chance. Many people would have done exactly the same as you - after a shocking diagnosis. And I think your suffering/ regrets and doubts would have been even greater if you had let go of him too soon- you might wonder did you try every medical chance to save him? 

When I first got home from being away for 6 days and noticed something was off with Jake - I didn't act quickly enough. But then when I did, after the first intervention/ catheterization and fluids - he seemed a little better- and 3 days later when I brought him back as he didn't eat that morning and hadn't peed overnight - the vet said he was blocked again and there was nothing more to do - except an emergency PU surgery at a specialty vet - but that wouldn't address what she suspected was a secondary or possibly primary cause of his urinary blockage- nerve damage to his bladder/ atonal bladder/ inability to express urine. But it was unclear - as the crystal formation/ dehydration was also a factor- (pet sitter had not followed the diet which is wet food mixed with water and only tiny amount of dry kibble as a treat). So I was so upset with how I had let him down and the pet sitter had failed him that I asked for a second catheterization praying it might work this time. They did that - it was another 24 hour stay- and I went to pick him up- and now he was unblocked again but both hind legs were paralyzed/useless and he couldn't sit up/move/walk/pee or poop on his own. Now it was more clear that he had also had some sort of trauma- fall most likely - affecting his spine and the rear leg weakness was now total loss of use of hind legs- as well as inability to express his own bladder or poop by himself-  now there was no way he could live that way. And if he became blocked again- which he would in days due to all the fluids he received- he would need to be put to sleep. I did go in days later to have him to sleep as another blockage was developing and he was suffering with urgency to go and no ability to go.I didn't want his bladder to explode- or to cause him any more suffering. But I had contributed to his suffering by not putting him to sleep when I brought him back to the vet that second time. I just was too shocked and upset and feeling guilty and unsure- I had to give him every chance. And I do think my grief and regret would have been worse now if I had put him to sleep that time- because the severity/ underlying cause being nerve damage was not clear at that point. I would have forever wondered if he could have lived if I only I had tried another intervention.

[KayC]

Anne,

You did the right thing.  I know it hurts you tremendously to be without him...just as I am going through now, it's so hard.  I can be told his life expectancy was 9-12 years, and he got 11 1/2, but I was hoping against hope he'd make it 14.  No time is enough.  We do not want separation.  You are not at fault for what your pet sitter failed to do, I know you feel you are, you had every reason to believe she'd follow your explicit instructions.  Sometimes we have to rely on someone...I had surgery once and had to have someone take Arlie in for a week, I physically could not take care of him at that time...had that person been remiss and it resulted in his death, I would feel as you are feeling but it would have in actuality been the other person's failure and not mine.  Sometimes we can't foresee what others will do.  There's no manual drop down from the sky that tells us when and what to do in these situations, sometimes I would have appreciated one.  I took care of Arlie during his cancer, I didn't want him to suffer but he did, it's a horrid disease.  You could say I was in shock during this time (see my Living with Loss post also am posting in Memories of Arlie).  I didn't want to shorten his life any if there was any quality of life left, I didn't want to miss one day with him, but neither did I want him to suffer unduly.  Oh my God, it was hard!  In reality, I think I had him put to sleep at just the right time though because as you'll read towards the end he went and visited his dog friend, it was something HE decided to do and important to him, so he still had that unfinished business...had I had him put to sleep sooner he would have missed that opportunity.  

After we have them euthanized, it's easy the next day to say to ourselves, he could be alive right now, he could have made it one more day.  But at what cost?  It's not worth it to let them suffer tremendously one more day on our account.  Any time we choose will be hard for us.  

Try to console yourself with this knowledge, that you gave him the best life you knew how to give him, he loved you just as you loved him, he is free of suffering right now, and that is thanks to you, his protector, and he is happy while he waits for the time when you'll be with him again.  It is but a moment to him...it feels like a lifetime to us.  We can do the time, as long as we know THEY are okay.

Sending you hugs...

[A.P. Hill]

Today has been 9 months since Micah’s death.  I just don’t understand why these anniversaries just absolutely crush my spirit.  Each one seems to be more difficult to bear than the last.  I am thankful that my grief and guilt no longer remains with me 24/7 as in the first 3 months of his death, but it is still there and remains so very difficult to deal with.   There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of how much I miss and love him and shed a tear.  He meant the world to me and I loved him more than life itself.  If I were to tell someone who never loved a pet as much as I did Micah about my feelings for Micah, they would think I’d fallen off the deep end.  Thankfully I can come here to talk knowing there are a boat load of people that understand every word I am saying.

There remain a few questions that I have no definitive answers.  Will I ever experience again such a pure and unconditional love from someone who demanded so little in return?  Will I ever experience again someone who was so loyal?  Will I ever experience again someone who brought such incredible joy to my life?  Will I ever experience again someone who depended on me for everything and expressed their gratitude every day?  Will I ever walk through my door again and have someone greet me and shower me with affection even though I may have been gone for just a few hours?  Will I ever experience again someone who can look past my many faults?  Will I ever experience again opening my eyes in the morning having someone staring at me waiting patiently for me to wake and start the day?  Will I ever experience again taking a nap or retiring at night having someone snuggling up beside me?  The answer to these questions is “perhaps not” but I am thankful to have experienced these things if only for a few brief years.

I do not want to diminish the human relationships we have.  Those of us who have ever held a newborn or toddler, got our hands soiled by changing a dirty diaper, or watched the absolute joy of bath time, have experienced these things.  Most of us raise our children and prepare them as best we can to eventually strike out on their own.  When they do leave us, we are sad but very happy for them.  And to those who have lost a child before they’ve had the opportunity to accomplish those things, I can only imagine the intensity of that pain.  With our pets, it is a lifetime commitment and when they leave us, it is most always through death. 

God, I just miss him and love him so much!!!!

Blessings,

Steve

[KayC]

Steve,

I understand.  I've been through a really tough time this month, 2/3 was Arlie's adoption day, 2/14 his birthday, 2/16 marked six months since his death.  I just have to live with it but oh God, I miss him!  I miss his exuberant greeting when I'd come home, he'd squeal and get so excited!  I miss everything about him, even his smell.  I miss seeing him lying around the house, smiling. I get it.  I'm just sorry another human being has to suffer through this as I am.

[A.P. Hill]

It has been one year since I lost Micah.  Life without him remains painful and difficult to bear.  Oh, I can string together a few good days and on that rare occasion, maybe a week, and then I get smacked upside the head with something that reminds me he is no longer with me and I fall right back into that bottomless pit of grief and guilt.

No one leaves this life without struggles and my status as a “senior citizen” has afforded me the opportunity to have my fair share.  In the end, struggles are a good thing.  They shape your character and give you a sense that anything can be conquered.  My grief and guilt with the loss of Micah is the most difficult struggle of my life and one that I’ve not come anywhere close to conquering.  I’m almost ashamed of this feeling because when I reflect on the loss of my father and a few close relatives and friends, it usually brings a smile to my face as I focus on the fond memories I have of them.  With Micah, I can remember the fond memories which are immediately followed by a river of tears and my only thoughts are how damned empty my life has been this past year without him.

He remains one of the most loyal and loving companions I’ve ever had.  He is totally responsible for giving me the best 6 years of my life.  Even in death, he touches my heart like no one else.

Warmest Regards,

Steve

[KayC]

1 hour ago, A.P. Hill said:

In the end, struggles are a good thing.  They shape your character and give you a sense that anything can be conquered.

This brought me a smile...we never seem to relish struggles/challenges coming along.  We fight against them in the beginning but quickly realize we must go through it, process it, figure out how to deal with it.  And you're right, we learn from them, they shape and mold us into who we are...it is seeing good come from bad.

I know you still miss Micah...I still miss Arlie, it's been over nine months.  I know there is no time limit on grief, I will always love him, I will always miss him, just as you do your Micah.  We were fortunate to have them in our lives.  I see now that we don't truly own them, we are lent them for a time.  And oh how blessed I was each and every day of his life and I always knew that!

Thinking of you as you face this anv of death...

[AJWCat]

Hi Steve, I understand your post. One year is still very tough. I am coming up - in a few months - on 3 years, I can't believe it. I still suffer from some form of mild "pstd" in just thinking about the horrible night we had ending in the passing of our cat, it feels like a punch in the stomach and I get sick. If I linger on the memory I just start crying. 

There is no shame in grief. I wonder if you've considered in adopting another? So many suffer without a loving person. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, AJWCat said:

I wonder if you've considered in adopting another?

http://www.pethealthnetwork.com/dog-health/end-life-support-grieving-dogs/new-pet-when-right-time

[A.P. Hill]

On 5/25/2020 at 4:51 PM, AJWCat said:

There is no shame in grief. I wonder if you've considered in adopting another? So many suffer without a loving person. 

I should have told everyone a little sooner that I have recently adopted another cat (Miko) from our local animal shelter.  The reason for the hesitation was, I wanted to make sure that everything would work out before coming here with happiness, only to be followed by another sad ending.  I’m happy to report that Miko appears to be a “keeper”.

I just had to do something because my grief over Micah’s death was crushing and debilitating.  When I would get this way, I was a non-functioning human being for days on end.  This cycle had to stop, and the only way was to give another cat some of the love and affection I had for Micah.  I had concluded, that by doing this, I was honoring Micah’s life and not betraying him.  Took me a while to get my head screwed on straight.  Oh, I still have my moments and Micah’s one-year anniversary was very painful but now, when I’m overcome with emotion, I have someone to refocus my attention away from my pain.

Miko doesn’t resemble Micah physically but temperamentally, he seems to be a spitting image.  Very playful cat and very affectionate.  He has become my “therapy cat” and I suspect that he knows this is part of his job.

I will attach some pictures of my new addition to the family.  The first picture is of him curled up next to my head on our first night together.  The second one is of him taking a nap.  Incredibly happy and secure cat that would expose his belly to the world like that.  The third one I have no explanation for.  It’s one of him sitting in front of the fireplace where Micah’s urn, memorial stone, and picture are located.  He just sat there for about 5 minutes staring at the picture.  Maybe some form of communication going on???

No one will ever replace Micah and I think of him every day, but I know he is happy and relieved to see my burden lifted just a little.

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

I am so glad, it does help, it never replaces them but they do have a way of worming their way into our hearts.  This is the first time I've been without a cat in my adult life excepting a few months 44 years ago.  I miss it.  Maybe someday. Right now I have my hands full with the puppy but maybe after he's two...

Your cat looks very sweet, I always wanted an orange one, never had a white one either although partially white.

[A.P. Hill]

14 hours ago, KayC said:

Your cat looks very sweet, I always wanted an orange one, never had a white one either although partially white.

Thanks Kay.  He is a handsome little boy, but I could be a little of the proud parent saying that.

 

[A.P. Hill]

Today is the 2-year anniversary of the most devastating loss I have ever suffered through, my cat Micah.  Anything that I may say is just one man’s opinion and his experiences traveling this difficult and painful journey of dealing with loss.  It is not to be taken as an infallible step by step guide that will help you deal with the pain nor is it based on years of scholarly research.  Dealing with grief is a deeply personal thing and we all deal with it in different ways.  There’s just no “one size fits all” nor is there a “right way” to deal with it.

Some of you have suffered a recent loss and there are some here who have only been on this road for a short time.  You may be at the stage where you are wondering if this pain will ever go away.  My answer would be: NO!!!  It is my belief that the best we can hope for is that the pain will become more manageable.  Eventually, that smile will start to appear at more frequent intervals when you begin to see how very blessed and honored you were to receive the unconditional love of your pet, even if for a short time.  I came here at the 6-month anniversary of Micah’s death and posted of the many things that I missed about him being with me.  Those things are still as true and heartfelt at the 2-year mark as they were at the 6-month mark.  I think of him daily and I still have those days where emotion overcomes me, and I break down.  My pain is now at the manageable stage and at some point, yours will be also.  My grief is no longer a day long spirit crushing event that could often lead to a week’s long event which in turn, could lead to months.  Some folks can manage their grief after a few short months and that’s OK.  Their pain is no less intense than those of us who take over a year to manage their grief.

Besides the blessing of having Micah in my life, I’ve come to realize that I even received a blessing through his death, although I would have preferred this blessing would have been delayed for a few years.  You see, I found the best friend I’ve ever had in my life because of his death, and I was first introduced to her through another site.  She had lost her own cat a few short weeks after my own loss and posted her story shortly after mine.  Eventually the moderator of the site graciously allowed us to exchange emails and what has followed is over a one-year personal correspondence.  Not only were our conversations about our loss but we shared details of our childhood, adulthood, up until the present.  We have shared our successes in life, and just as importantly, our failures.  Although we have never met, she has reached the point where she can “read me like a book’.  With her, I don’t have to “man up” about my loss or any other problem I may have because she has experienced firsthand most everything that I have.  I tell her things that I would tell NO ONE else.  Maybe some of you already have this kind of friend, and if you do, you are most fortunate.  If you don’t, I hope that you find one.  Maybe it’s a neighbor or someone you consider just a casual acquaintance or maybe someone you never knew existed, but your paths crossed because of similar events in your lives.  Either way, you all have 100’s of friends on this site alone willing to help you on your journey.

Shortly after the 1-year anniversary of Micah’s death, I wrote my friend another letter of despair about my loss.  She responded in her usual caring, compassionate, and loving way.  She concluded her letter telling me that it was time to consider getting another cat.  She reminded me that I had so much love to give another needy soul and it was meant to be shared.  I was not angry at all about her suggestion and was so very thankful she had the courage to tell me something I maybe didn’t want to hear.  I considered her advice for a couple of days and concluded that I was indeed being selfish, my word, by not sharing this gift.  Went to the shelter after a few days’ reflection, and now have Miko to help me.  He is a great joy in my life and during those times I may despair of Micah’s death, he refuses to allow me stay in that bottomless pit of despair 24/7.  Every one of you have that same kind of love to give to another needy soul or else you wouldn’t have come to this site to pour out your heart and soul to complete strangers.  If you have trouble deciding when the time is right, like myself, I hope you have that one friend who has the courage to tell you it’s time.

As I was deciding whether to allow another cat to enter my life, I was browsing through quotes I had stored on my computer about the loss of a cat.  These quotes are beautifully written and serve as a confirmation of our pain and grief, which we all need.  Maybe in going through these, I was trying to confirm that I was still in too much pain to allow another cat in my life.  Then, I came across this quote: “To get a cat is to open yourself to profound joy and prospectively, to equally profound sadness.”  Many of you on this site have experienced this and know of this quote’s absolute truth.  If we are fortunate to live long enough, none of us will escape the pain of loss whether that be of a parent, spouse, relative, close friend, or your beloved pet.  After I let that quote sink in, I decided that with whatever time I had remaining to live, could not be spent with a total lack of joy and unspeakable pain and despair.  It was a very painful road to travel for me to get to a point of even considering allowing some joy back into my life, as it will be for all of you.  Maybe that joy you eventually let enter your life is not another pet but my hope for each of you is that at some point in your journey, you earnestly and thoughtfully consider the prospect.  Some of you may be able to reach this conclusion by yourself, while others like myself, need that special friend to give us a gentle nudge in that direction.

I’m sorry for every loss I read about and for the road each of you must now travel.  You and I have no choice about this journey.  It must be traveled, and the initial steps are filled with unspeakable pain.  I am here to tell you that as you progress those steps of pain will be followed by a few steps of joy and eventually your journey will be filled with thankfulness and joy about the life of your pet and those steps of pain will be become less frequent. 

Warmest regards,

Steve

[A.P. Hill]

Forgive me but the 2 year anniversary of Micah's death is Friday the 21st and not today.  I got up this morning and started composing this post and for whatever reason, when I finished, I went ahead and posted it.  We'll just chalk it up to "OLD AGE"!!!  

Regards,

Steve

[KayC]

I'm glad you came back to update us on how you're doing, you and I have similar timelines...My Arlie was given a death sentence 6/6/19 (cancer) and passed 8/16/19.  Then 25 year old Kitty died 1/6/20, her first symptom being on Christmas.  You were here much of the time I was posting of my losses.

I'm glad you found a good friend through all of this!  Sometimes something is horrific but something good comes through it, it doesn't make it any less horrific, but it's the silver lining.  My "silver lining" is my diabetes BS went sky high when Arlie was diagnosed, stayed elevated for nearly seven months, prompting me to finally DO something about it!  Doctors hadn't helped, neither had the diets I'd tried.  I heard about Keto through a highly respected friend I met six years ago on a grief site, also my son whom I highly respect...both of them researchers.  1/1/20 I began this journey.  I lost 75 lbs down to 105 (I'm short), my cholesterol came down, so did my triglycerides, WBC, Calcium, all which had been too high, and I got off the diabetic Rxs and statins!  I've been a moderator for a diabetic group for over a year now.  I've been learning, learning, learning and imagine I will the rest of my life.  Last night I was able to coach a neighbor newly diagnosed and with his attitude and determination I've no doubt he'll turn it around, armed with knowledge and tools.  It's been very exciting to not only change my life and health but also see what a difference I can make in others lives if they want it.  I chalk it up to Arlie's last gift to me.  I love that boy, I always will.  Smiling to the end, even through pain and suffering.  

My son brought me a puppy, Kodie, 12/10/19, he has been a lifesaver!  I shudder to think what my life would be like without him, especially during all of the Covid that hit shortly afterwards, and the social isolation that came with it!  He is my little companion, always with me, very attentive and adorable!  I am so glad you opened your heart and home to Miko  We don't replace them because that is not possible, but little Kodie was undaunted by my grief and just wormed his way into my heart, patiently, persistently.  It's funny, your heart can be with one but stretch to include another even when you don't think it possible.  Here's a picture of him begging for treats, staring at the treat jar (on the right), he was licking his chops in case I didn't get it! 

 

[Gary55]

Hi Steve, I wasn't on here when you first posted. Little did I know that I would be one day. I'm happy to hear that you found a good friend and then another companion. I notice that you say we never get over the loss. I see that now. I don't know why I thought I might. Manageable yes, I liked to hear that. At the moment, 5 months after Goldie passed and it's pretty much despair. I've family, but Goldie was my life, I realise that now. Perhaps another dog may appear, maybe it's what I need. It helps me to read how things have progressed for you. Maybe in time I will remember Goldie the way I should be doing. Thank you Steve. 

[A.P. Hill]

On 5/20/2021 at 10:51 AM, KayC said:

Sometimes something is horrific but something good comes through it, it doesn't make it any less horrific, but it's the silver lining. 

 

Dear Kay:

That's such a spot on statement and it certainly is the only "silver lining" from Micah's death.  I'm so very glad that you've got Kodie and that you found your own "silver lining" from Arlie's death. What an absolute angel he has become to you.  It's correct that our new family members just wade right through our grief and worm their way into our hearts with their persistence and devotion.  It's also refreshing to know that we still have a piece of our heart that is capable to be given to another.

I will research the Keto diet as my wife was diagnosed as diabetic a few years ago.  While her A1C is only slightly above what is considered diabetic, her cholesterol and triglycerides are quite high.  It seems as if all the medication she is taking is not doing a darn thing.  That is a significant amount of weight you lost.  My wife wants to drop 20 to 25 pounds but has been unsuccessful with the diets she has tried.

Warmest regards,

Steve

[A.P. Hill]

2 hours ago, Gary55 said:

Hi Steve, I wasn't on here when you first posted. Little did I know that I would be one day. I'm happy to hear that you found a good friend and then another companion. I notice that you say we never get over the loss. I see that now. I don't know why I thought I might. Manageable yes, I liked to hear that. At the moment, 5 months after Goldie passed and it's pretty much despair. I've family, but Goldie was my life, I realise that now. Perhaps another dog may appear, maybe it's what I need. It helps me to read how things have progressed for you. Maybe in time I will remember Goldie the way I should be doing. Thank you Steve. 

Hi Gary:

Thank you for replying to my post about Micah.  You mentioned that after 5 months and your life has become filled with grief and despair.  This is really a short time to be on your journey Gary and what you are experiencing is perfectly normal to me.  I led a life of grief and despair for a little over a year and I have no doubt that I would still be there if my friend had not staged her personal intervention.  You are remembering and honoring Goldie the only way that you know and are capable of after a short 5 months and that is through your pain and despair.  When that day comes that you find yourself able to give a piece of your heart to another, I will "jump for joy". 

Every ounce of your pain and despair are felt by me and everyone else on this forum.  We’ve lived it, we’ve felt it, and we understand it.  There are so many wonderful people on this forum that are here to lend a hand at the times your pain becomes unbearable, I know, because they were here for me. 

Warmest regards,

Steve

[Gary55]

Thank you Steve. It's a lonely road, but with friends on here it is slightly less lonely. I wanted to go with him.  I would not do anything silly, I have people who need me, and Goldie would think I was crazy. I want to get to a place where I remember him properly. David Kessler wrote another chapter to the Kubler Ross model, finding meaning. It seems you are at a place where you have found meaning. One day I hope to be there too. It's reassuring to know its possible. Its 1040 am here, and I'm on forums and social media. By this time we would have been out for hours and done miles. It's as you know, not just the missing, it's the routine and time spent with our beloved companions. I suppose I'm at the point where I should be, thank you Steve. 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, A.P. Hill said:

I will research the Keto diet as my wife was diagnosed as diabetic a few years ago.  While her A1C is only slightly above what is considered diabetic, her cholesterol and triglycerides are quite high.  It seems as if all the medication she is taking is not doing a darn thing.

This is a video that helped me greatly:
Reversing Type 2 diabetes starts with ignoring the guidelines | Sarah Hallberg | TEDxPurdueU - YouTube

The #1 Sure-Fire Way to Crush Diabetes! - YouTube

Here is our FB group, I'd send you an invite but would need your FB username link, I could message you mine if you want. 
https://www.facebook.com/groups/2249357341987919

It has turned my life around and I love being a moderator there, it's become a passion of mine.  My neighbor was just diagnosed as prediabetic and I got him going on Keto so he can head it off.  It can be reversed!  

[KayC]

I tried messaging you but it says you can't receive messages?

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Gary55 said:

It seems you are at a place where you have found meaning. One day I hope to be there too. It's reassuring to know its possible.

It is possible.  When my husband died nearly 16 years ago, my life shattered in that moment.  I diidn't see how I could live without him for one week, let alone the whole rest of my life (roughly 40 years)!  I didn't see how the sun could go on shining or people could go on about their lives, didn't they know the greatest person that ever lived had just died!!! 
3 1/2 years later I got Arlie, my constant companion...you know the rest.

Knowing I'd already been down this horrible path helped me realize with my brain that I could survive this too...but my heart didn't see it, you know what I mean.  One day at a time...

I wrote this article about ten years after my husband died.  It's ironic that the thing that helped me through it was getting Arlie..

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Gary55]

Thank you again for this Kayc, it is indeed love rather than grief that binds us to them. I do need to think about what is rather than what isn't. It's just so hard. 

[A.P. Hill]

On 5/22/2021 at 4:43 AM, Gary55 said:

Thank you Steve. It's a lonely road, but with friends on here it is slightly less lonely. I wanted to go with him.  I would not do anything silly, I have people who need me, and Goldie would think I was crazy. I want to get to a place where I remember him properly. David Kessler wrote another chapter to the Kubler Ross model, finding meaning. It seems you are at a place where you have found meaning. One day I hope to be there too. It's reassuring to know its possible. Its 1040 am here, and I'm on forums and social media. By this time we would have been out for hours and done miles. It's as you know, not just the missing, it's the routine and time spent with our beloved companions. I suppose I'm at the point where I should be, thank you Steve. 

Gary:

For a lot of us, loneliness is certainly part of the journey.  It was certainly one of the big reasons that I found myself, and others I’m sure, on this site and this was a huge leap for me because my personality trends toward introversion.  We all have friends and family who are initially sympathetic with our loss but just do not understand that unbreakable bond we had with our pets and just don’t know what to what to say, and when they do, it’s sometimes the wrong thing to say.  They are good people and sincere in their quest to offer us comfort but just don’t understand the bond we had with our pets.  Often, our bond with our pets is deeper and more meaningful than any bond we had with a human.

Breaking of your daily routine is a part of the journey also.  I worked from home the first 5 years of years of Micah’s life with me and he was always close by while I was working.  He was either sleeping in the chair next to me, on my lap, in front of the keyboard, curled up in my arm, or just staring at me wanting me to follow him into the bedroom so he could take a nap on his favorite pillow.  Some people might say we were in a rut, but we loved every minute of our time with them, and when we lose them, we despair of ever finding the joy and love that those routines gave us.

I hope that in the coming months of your journey a few days of peace and when you reflect on your life with Goldie, that those thoughts do not always bring on intense grief but an occasional smile.  It’s a difficult road to travel and it will take a while.  I’ve been there and it took me over a year to reach that point.  You will eventually get there also.

Warmest regards.

Steve 

[A.P. Hill]

21 hours ago, KayC said:

This is a video that helped me greatly:
Reversing Type 2 diabetes starts with ignoring the guidelines | Sarah Hallberg | TEDxPurdueU - YouTube

The #1 Sure-Fire Way to Crush Diabetes! - YouTube

Here is our FB group, I'd send you an invite but would need your FB username link, I could message you mine if you want. 
https://www.facebook.com/groups/2249357341987919

It has turned my life around and I love being a moderator there, it's become a passion of mine.  My neighbor was just diagnosed as prediabetic and I got him going on Keto so he can head it off.  It can be reversed!  

Kay:

Thanks for the videos, I will make sure my wife sees them and I'll certainly delve into this a little further.  I don't have a facebook account.  I'll check my account settings as to why you couldn't message me but it's probably because I wasn't logged on.

Warmest regards,

Steve

[KayC]

10 minutes ago, A.P. Hill said:

it's probably because I wasn't logged on.

You don't have to be logged in to get a message, it waits for you until you're there.   Anyway, I listeed the link to the FB diabetic group if she's interested.

 

21 hours ago, KayC said:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/2249357341987919