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A.P. Hill

My Precious Micah - (05-21-2019)

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A.P. Hill

I had to put my cat Micah to sleep on 05-21-2019. It has been about five months and this event has absolutely crushed me. I’ve had the honor and privilege of having 5 cats adopt me in my adult life and each loss has been very painful. If I could bring any one of them back, I would do it in a heartbeat, but Micah touched my heart and soul like no other. I am 67 years old, so I have experienced the painful loss of family members, friends, and pets but the grief and guilt of losing Micah has overwhelmed me like nothing I’ve experienced in my life. The first three months I was anything but a functioning human being. I would wake up with tears, I would sob throughout the day, and go to bed in tears. I made a video of his brief life shortly after his death thinking this would be of help but there seemed to be no coping mechanism that would assuage my grief and guilt.

In June of 2013 I noticed a beautiful white cat that had made his home under the crawl space of my neighbor’s house. After asking if it was their cat, they said it was not, but they couldn’t accept it in their home, and they would not take any measures to scare it away nor ask their landlord to fix the hole in their foundation that led to the crawl space.

He would spend his afternoons sitting or lying in the shade on the neighbor’s steps. After a couple of days, I decided to walk out the back door of my garage while Micah was on the steps. I sat down and started talking to him and almost immediately, he came over to be petted and jumped in my lap. I tried to coax him into the house, but he wasn’t ready, so I left him some food and water. After about a month, he decided this might be a good place to call home and that I would be acceptable for adoption.

After I concluded that he had accepted me as his parent and guardian, we scheduled a vet examination, labs, and vaccinations. Everything appeared to be OK. The vet told me he looked like a Ragamuffin and that he had been neutered. Obviously, someone’s pet. I inquired around the neighborhood and ran an ad to no avail. Thank God!!! I would have been crushed to give him up. My best guess was he had been abandoned.

Micah was always by my side. He followed me everywhere I went and his favorite place to take a nap was on my lap or chest. When I would be doing work at my desk and my lap wasn’t available, I would look down and he would be sitting next to my chair just staring at me. I would ask if he wanted to take a nap and off, he would start walking to the bedroom with me dutifully following. He would jump on the bed onto his favorite pillow and I would pet him and give him a tummy rub until he fell into that deep sleep only cats can do. He slept with me every night and would always wait for me to wake up so he could have breakfast. Even the times my wife woke up first and was feeding the other two cats, Micah would be laying or sitting by my head waiting for me to wake up and feed him. He was such a blessing to me.

In February of 2019 I took Micah in for his annual checkup, vaccinations, and blood work. I was shocked when the vet announced that he had diabetes and his weight had dropped from 13 pounds in 2018 to 10 pounds. How could I have not noticed such a significant weight loss? He was just a big fur ball and I guess I did not notice. When I petted him, I never noticed that he was losing weight. We started him on insulin but had a very rough time getting the proper number of units. When I would take him in every two weeks for blood work it was either too little or too much. Little did I know at the time that my beloved Micah would not be with me anymore in 3 months.

On May 10th, which was a Friday, he refused to eat. I’ve had cats who have refused to eat one day because they weren’t feeling good but soon recovered. When he refused his food on Saturday and Sunday, I knew it was something more than not just feeling well. First thing Monday, May 12th, I made a call to the vet to make an appointment to have him checked. About one hour later he went hypoglycemic on me and I knew this was now an emergency. We rushed to the vet and after a brief check, the vet told me he was very jaundiced. We did some lab work and found out that his bilirubin counts were off the charts. The vet suggested he keep him for two or three days to try and stabilize him. They were force feeding my guy, giving him fluids, and administering meds. His bilirubin counts improved slightly but remained dangerously high. Instead of 3 days the vet kept him for 5 trying to get him stabilized. I had to go get him Friday afternoon because the veterinary clinic closes over the weekend. He gave me two options to continue treatment. I could take him to the emergency clinic for the weekend or they would teach me how to administer treatment at home. Of course, I wanted him home so that was the option I chose.

Let me explain that force feeding my cat, giving him fluids, and administering meds was just about more than I could take. Deep down I knew he was miserable and wanted it to end but I was determined that he wasn’t going to leave me just yet. Friday and Saturday evenings, he spent by my side in bed. When I would wake, he would jump down off the bed and go sit by his food bowl. I would put some food in it, but he refused to eat anything. Sunday morning started out the same way. When it was time for his meds on Sunday afternoon he was under the bed and I could not coax him out. I finally had to take the bed apart to get him. I picked him up to take to the counter, but he was very lethargic and could not stand. I picked him up and went to the recliner to let him rest on my chest. Suddenly panic engulfed me, and I told my wife to get ready because we were taking him the emergency clinic 30 miles away. By the time we arrived, he was unresponsive. The vet came back after examination and told me his heartbeat was under 100 when a healthy cat is around 200. She strongly suggested I put him to sleep, but unfortunately, gave me the option of keeping him overnight to try and stabilize him. Not yet ready to let him leave, I chose the overnight option.

On Monday, I went to the emergency clinic to pick Micah up. The vet on call told me to take him to my personal vet to continue treatment. Looking back now, I should have realized that I was fighting a losing battle and all I was doing was prolonging my precious Micah’s suffering. My desire to keep him alive and in my care overwhelmed me. On Tuesday morning, the vet called and as gently and compassionately as he could, told me there was nothing more they could do, and it was time to let go. It was such a crushing blow to finally face reality that Micah would no longer be with me. I went to the vet to say my goodbye. I cradled Micah close to my chest for over an hour and just told him how much I loved him and how very sorry I was for the pain that I forced him to endure. I did not know it at the time, but my wife had taken some pictures and a short video of our last hours together. As I was talking to Micah, he gave me several slow blinks during this time, and I knew that he was expressing his love for me and that he forgave me. Finally, it was time and I let him go.

One of things I read quite often is the guilt that a lot of pet parents feel is they let go too soon. My guilt is that I was the major player in prolonging Micah’s pain and suffering. The last week and a half of his life was miserable, and it was my fault. The pain of losing Micah will never leave but I realize that in time, I will be able to cope with the loss without it totally consuming me. What I can’t see is a path to cope with the guilt I feel about prolonging his suffering.

To all who have lost their precious pet, I send you my deepest sympathies. Every story I read, I can feel the pain that each of you are experiencing. I thank you for sharing a part of your pet’s life with me and thank you for allowing me to share a little of Micah’s life.

Warmest regards,

Steve

Love Lives On 6 (2).png

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KayC

Steve,

I am so sorry.  I am writing through tears just now because I had to surrender a dog I just adopted two days ago...he was vicious and bit me four times, they failed to warn me.  He was perfect in every other way.  His face will haunt me and I'll always wonder how life went for him.  Losing an animal to death or surrender, damn it's hard.  I lost my sweet boy to cancer two months ago...by the time they discovered it, it was too late.  How did I not know?  How did the vet not notice when he had his physical just shortly before the lab work that called attention to it? I don't know.  I only know I love him more that life itself and will never be over him, he has my heart forever.

I love this:
 

35 minutes ago, A.P. Hill said:

Love Lives On 6 (2).png

And it's so true.  I encourage you to continue coming here and posting, it helps.  And I'll be here, listening...

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A.P. Hill
17 hours ago, KayC said:

Steve,

I am so sorry.  I am writing through tears just now because I had to surrender a dog I just adopted two days ago...he was vicious and bit me four times, they failed to warn me.  He was perfect in every other way.  His face will haunt me and I'll always wonder how life went for him.  Losing an animal to death or surrender, damn it's hard.  I lost my sweet boy to cancer two months ago...by the time they discovered it, it was too late.  How did I not know?  How did the vet not notice when he had his physical just shortly before the lab work that called attention to it? I don't know.  I only know I love him more that life itself and will never be over him, he has my heart forever.

I love this:
 

And it's so true.  I encourage you to continue coming here and posting, it helps.  And I'll be here, listening...

Dear Kay:

Thank you for your response.  It has certainly been a painful and agonizing year for you.  I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Arlie and the attempt at adoption.  Arlie was very fortunate to have you as his guardian, protector, and parent.  His way of saying thank you every day was unconditional love.  Coping with our grief is very brutal but only compounded when we feel guilty thinking, we got something wrong.  I wish you some semblance of peace in the coming months. 

Blessings,

Steve

 

Love Lives On 3 (2).png

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KayC

And you too, my friend.  I think losing our beloved pets are some of the hardest losses we can endure.  It takes time to heal.

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A.P. Hill

Just a little over 5 of the most difficult months of my life.  I miss you so very much.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and shed a tear.  "Those who think there is a time limit to grieve, have never lost a piece of their heart."

My personal assistant and me at work.  Can you believe he never asked for a salary for professional services?

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He was one of the best cooks I ever had.  Here he is making biscuits.

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Nap times will never be the same.

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KayC

Ahh, someone who loves their animals as I do.

Thank you for sharing pictures.  I am still struggling to comes to terms with my Arlie's death, I don't think I'll ever be over it...there is an Arlie shaped hole in my heart.  (Living with Loss and Memories of Arlie).

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A.P. Hill
30 minutes ago, KayC said:

Ahh, someone who loves their animals as I do.

Thank you for sharing pictures.  I am still struggling to comes to terms with my Arlie's death, I don't think I'll ever be over it...there is an Arlie shaped hole in my heart.  (Living with Loss and Memories of Arlie).

Dear Kay:

Thank you for your kind response.  I just finished reading your current post in "Living with Loss" about the void in your life without Arlie.  Even though I had no personal relationship with Arlie and have never met you, your story brought me to tears.  I think the best we can hope for is that someday the pain and grief becomes more manageable because it will never go away.

Lately I've been looking at our local humane society's web page looking at cats.  The thought has crossed my mind about getting another cat but then I pull back because I question my motives for adopting.  Would I be expecting a replacement for Micah, which would be impossible, or would I allow and accept it to have it's own personality?  Would I be pressing my luck since I've already lost that "Once in a Lifetime Cat"  expecting the "Twice in a Lifetime Cat"?  I guess until those reasons get resolved, it's not the right time.

Thank you for momentarily stepping away from your own grief to comfort me.

 

Blessings,

Steve   

 

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A.P. Hill

It really wasn't necessary to spend so much money on toys.  I'm happy with a couple of paper grocery bags, a tennis ball, and some boxes around the house.

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Nap time again.

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Dad's lap wasn't available so Mom's will do for now

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Watching football with our eyes closed.

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Please protect me. I think the vet is trying to hurt me.

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The hardest part of having a beloved cat.....Saying Goodbye.

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KayC

I love your pictures...I have pictures posted in my threads too, further back.  I esp. love the one of "Help, protect me!" :)

I attempted to adopt a dog recently, it was a horrible experience because the rescue was deceitful...the dog bit me four times to the bone and they waited two days to come get him, in which time I got attached.  I bawled for five hours after he left, they wouldn't let him keep the toy I gave him that he loved.  I'm worried about what will become of him but can't keep a biter, I have grandchildren who are small.  And I'm Diabetic so slower healing.  Maybe you wouldn't have such issues with a cat, I haven't had a vicious cat before, but then I hadn't had a vicious dog either.

 

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A.P. Hill
2 hours ago, KayC said:

I love your pictures...I have pictures posted in my threads too, further back.  I esp. love the one of "Help, protect me!" :)

I attempted to adopt a dog recently, it was a horrible experience because the rescue was deceitful...the dog bit me four times to the bone and they waited two days to come get him, in which time I got attached.  I bawled for five hours after he left, they wouldn't let him keep the toy I gave him that he loved.  I'm worried about what will become of him but can't keep a biter, I have grandchildren who are small.  And I'm Diabetic so slower healing.  Maybe you wouldn't have such issues with a cat, I haven't had a vicious cat before, but then I hadn't had a vicious dog either.

 

 

Thank you very much Kay.  It means a lot to me.

Arlie was one handsome boy and brought such joy to your life.  I'm so sorry for the void in your life without him.  Just reading about your relationship with him has really touched my heart.  I really like the picture of him curled up in his chair with a blanket over him.

I just can't begin to fathom the pain a loving pet parent such as yourself, should have to endure in less than a year.   First Arlie is taken from you by cancer and just when you are ready to give a piece of your heart to Jackson, you find he has behavioral issues.  Like you, I fear he will likely not get the help he needs and deserves from this group of people.  When I first read your story about the adoption, I was mad as hell with this group of people.  They are shall we say, much less than honest.  The foster dad has absolutely no business being a foster parent.  He needs to grow up and stop acting like a little child.  To get mad at you for giving him up even after he nearly took your finger off, and then to refuse the toy you bought for Jackson, is the height of vindictiveness.  I've seen 10-year-old children act more adult than this jerk.

And now through all this pain, you are dealing with a stalker.  I have a 92-year-old uncle who lost his wife 3 years ago.  After one year of being alone, he suddenly decided that he had become God's gift to women.  He thinks that all his female relatives and friends just can't wait for a great big hug and kiss from him and I'm not talking a peck on the cheek.  Whenever he comes for a visit, my wife will go to the bedroom and wait for a few minutes until he sits down and then comes out to say hi.  Less chance of being accosted when he's sitting down.  Although I think he probably would never write unsigned letters or no return address, it is very annoying behavior.

If there is a lady on the face of the earth who is long overdue for some peace in her life, it would be you.  My prayer for you is that God will grant this request.

Blessings,

Steve

 

 

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KayC

Steve,

Your response brought me to tears.  I had to laugh at your uncle though, the way you told it "God's gift to women" indeed!  I guess some are so full of themselves they can't see reality when it smacks them upside the head!

I won't be doing business with that "rescue" again.  I did look yesterday to see if Jackson is still there...there is still a picture of him waiting for his "forever home" dated in August, but they've removed all others.  He should just be getting off quarantine.  I'm curious if they'll relist him.  He's still on Petfinder.  I inquired about a couple of other dogs 2 1/2 weeks ago and never heard back.  Rescues leave a lot to be desired.

Good luck to you.  Every once in a while we find that "special pet", I think we've found ours...it remains to be seen if there'll be another.

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AJWCat

Steve, I just wanted to say how sorry I am about Micah. What a beautiful cat.

I lost mine over 2 years ago - and I won't go into all the details but he was 15 and it was very shocking and sudden - and something that made me think that my heart was literally breaking. So, I know the pain. And 5 months is still early in the process. Maybe some people are "over" their animals in days or weeks. It's taken us a while to come to something that looks like peace with our cat's passing. We adopted a fabulous, sweet 2 year old kitty a few months later and we adore her. (Life for me without a cat is not living!) Still, no cat can replace the one we lost.  

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A.P. Hill
2 hours ago, AJWCat said:

Steve, I just wanted to say how sorry I am about Micah. What a beautiful cat.

I lost mine over 2 years ago - and I won't go into all the details but he was 15 and it was very shocking and sudden - and something that made me think that my heart was literally breaking. So, I know the pain. And 5 months is still early in the process. Maybe some people are "over" their animals in days or weeks. It's taken us a while to come to something that looks like peace with our cat's passing. We adopted a fabulous, sweet 2 year old kitty a few months later and we adore her. (Life for me without a cat is not living!) Still, no cat can replace the one we lost.  

Thank you AJWCat.  I find it incredible that even after two years since your loss, you still honor your precious guys memory by coming here and offering comfort to me and many others.  Everything you said is 100% true.  A while back when I was starting to question whether my grief, guilt, and uncontrollable sobbing were normal reactions, I found this quote that gave me some solace:

"Those who think there is a time limit to grieve, have never lost a piece of their heart." 

Any trace of being stoic when dealing with my grief and guilt vanished in the wind the day the emergency vet told me I should put him to sleep.  It took me another two days to make that painful decision that should have been done that day. Professional grief counselors provide invaluable services and their roles should never be diminished, but I have received the best counseling for free from the people on this site and some others I frequent.  Who better to offer counseling than someone who has lost a pet that they loved more than life itself?

We still have two cats at home but they are more my wife's cats than mine.  I'm so glad you found another kitty to give a piece of your heart to.  Perhaps in time I will also honor Micah by giving my love to another cat.  I know he is sad to see me so distraught over his loss and if he could, he would remind me that his death wasn't my fault and that he knows how much I loved him and how much he loved me.

Blessings,

Steve

 

Love Lives On 5.png

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KayC

That is beautiful and aptly put.

On 11/2/2019 at 7:20 AM, KayC said:

I did look yesterday to see if Jackson is still there...there is still a picture of him waiting for his "forever home" dated in August, but they've removed all others.

After I shared it with my friends on FB, they removed it.  I feel I've lost touch with Jackson.

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AJWCat

Steve, thanks for the reply. And I appreciate the comment about coming here. KayC was here for me as were others at the time. I just want to give back. This forum helped me survive because I had no one to talk to and my husband who was as distraught as me, could only take so much.

I know you have such guilt. You did what you thought was best at the time. And in those moments (which are so stressful) we have no time to think - it's always, okay what do you want to do? Decide now. And all we are is coming from a place of love and fear too - trying to do our best. I know in time, you will forgive yourself for what you think were mistakes. Your intent was pure love. 

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A.P. Hill
1 hour ago, KayC said:

That is beautiful and aptly put.

After I shared it with my friends on FB, they removed it.  I feel I've lost touch with Jackson.

Dear Kay:

Thank you so very much.  I'm sorry for the pain you are currently experiencing of losing touch with Jackson.  As I stated before, you have been through more grief in one year than a person should have to endure and yet through all your pain, you come here to offer comfort to me and many others.  With a reputable rescue you could probably safely assume that Jackson found his forever home.  With this group of people, I'm not so sure.  

Blessings,

Steve

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A.P. Hill
1 hour ago, AJWCat said:

Steve, thanks for the reply. And I appreciate the comment about coming here. KayC was here for me as were others at the time. I just want to give back. This forum helped me survive because I had no one to talk to and my husband who was as distraught as me, could only take so much.

I know you have such guilt. You did what you thought was best at the time. And in those moments (which are so stressful) we have no time to think - it's always, okay what do you want to do? Decide now. And all we are is coming from a place of love and fear too - trying to do our best. I know in time, you will forgive yourself for what you think were mistakes. Your intent was pure love. 

Dear AJWCat:

Thank you for your kind response.  You and Kay have been of great service to me.  Even when you are helping others, your words bring comfort to me.  I too had no one to talk to before I came here.  My well meaning family and friends would offer the "You can always get another cat" but not know that their words were doing more harm than good.

With your help, and my other "professional counselors" on this site, I will forge ahead and hopefully come to time of peace and a more healthy acceptance of my grief and guilt. 

Blessings,

Steve

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KayC
22 hours ago, A.P. Hill said:

With a reputable rescue you could probably safely assume that Jackson found his forever home.  With this group of people, I'm not so sure.

No...they said he was going to be hard to place.  I'm afraid he's still with that awful foster dad, the one who wouldn't let him have his monkey toy I got him, the one that was so angry with me for returning him because of the biting.  The one that told Jackson "No offense, but I hope I don't see you again."  Jackson is a baby, he doesn't understand what's going on, he deserves someone caring for him that loves him and wants him there.  I have good reason to worry about him.

22 hours ago, A.P. Hill said:

"You can always get another cat"

OMG,that response is so inappropriate!  That'd be like someone saying I could always get another dog, about Arlie!  He wasn't replaceable!  They aren't a piece of furniture, they are our family members!  Can you imagine someone saying that about our sister or someone?  Of course not!  Why do they say this about our furry loved ones!  As if!  I'm so sorry.  I usually use these times as a teachable moment and TELL them your cat is not replaceable.  That no one can take the place of Micah.  If someday you do get another cat, it will be starting from square one with a whole different personality, because there is no other Micah.

 

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A.P. Hill
23 minutes ago, KayC said:

No...they said he was going to be hard to place.  I'm afraid he's still with that awful foster dad, the one who wouldn't let him have his monkey toy I got him, the one that was so angry with me for returning him because of the biting.  The one that told Jackson "No offense, but I hope I don't see you again."  Jackson is a baby, he doesn't understand what's going on, he deserves someone caring for him that loves him and wants him there.  I have good reason to worry about him.

OMG,that response is so inappropriate!  That'd be like someone saying I could always get another dog, about Arlie!  He wasn't replaceable!  They aren't a piece of furniture, they are our family members!  Can you imagine someone saying that about our sister or someone?  Of course not!  Why do they say this about our furry loved ones!  As if!  I'm so sorry.  I usually use these times as a teachable moment and TELL them your cat is not replaceable.  That no one can take the place of Micah.  If someday you do get another cat, it will be starting from square one with a whole different personality, because there is no other Micah.

 

Dear Kay:

It is indeed a most inappropriate comment.  I guess I was in such a state of depression at the time that I just didn't know how to respond.  Don't think I'd have any problems today with laying a life's lesson on them if I ever heard it again.

Great picture of Arlie playing with his pals in the snow. 

Love Lives On 8.jpg

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KayC

That's a beautiful picture of Micah.  

It's times like that I am caught off guard and don't know how to respond.  It's okay to show them emotion when they hurt you with their ill responses, at least they can learn not to say it again to someone.  I know they don't know better and mean well, that doesn't help our aching hearts though.  Wishing you peace, I know it hurts.  I'll be glad when we get to the stage where we can remember them and smile, sometimes I can a bit but it still hurts, I miss him so much.

 

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A.P. Hill
3 hours ago, KayC said:

That's a beautiful picture of Micah.  

It's times like that I am caught off guard and don't know how to respond.  It's okay to show them emotion when they hurt you with their ill responses, at least they can learn not to say it again to someone.  I know they don't know better and mean well, that doesn't help our aching hearts though.  Wishing you peace, I know it hurts.  I'll be glad when we get to the stage where we can remember them and smile, sometimes I can a bit but it still hurts, I miss him so much.

 

Thank you, Kay.

I have found recently that I can smile sometimes when reflecting on Micah’s life, quickly followed by tears.  It is progress though and for that I am thankful.  All of us hope the day arrives when there are more smiles than tears.

I was raised in an environment where men were taught to keep their emotions in check.  Oh, it was acceptable to cry at the loss of a spouse, a child, a close relative or friend, but only briefly and certainly not in public with complete strangers or casual acquaintances.  When people would extend you sympathy at a loss in your life, you would politely thank them, and you would muster every ounce of stoicism in your body and steer the conversation to anything other than your loss.  For the most part, with a few exceptions, I dutifully followed these “rules of being a man” my entire life.

Micah’s life and death has changed that particular “personality disorder” of mine and turned it completely on its head.  Since his death, I have broken down in Walmart, in front of vets and their staff, and complete strangers.  A casual acquaintance of mine extended her sympathies at Walmart. There was no holding back.  Instant tears.  When I picked up Micah’s cremains at the vet with a lobby full of strangers. There was no holding back.  Instant tears.

Thankfully there are some “earth angels” in our midst.  When I went to pick up Micah’s remains at the vet, as soon as the front office lady laid his urn on the counter, I lost it.  As I reached to pick up the urn, she extended her hand, put it on top of mine, and gave it a few gentle taps.  There was a lady behind me who was waiting to check in her dog.  She gently reached up and gave my shoulder a few gentle taps.  These ladies will never know what their act of kindness meant to me.

It remains difficult but I’m so thankful Micah decided to share his life with me, although it was too short.  For the first time in my life, I now totally understand what “no strings attached” unconditional love means.   I miss you so much.

Blessings,

Steve

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AJWCat

That picture above with Micah in your arms is so sweet. He definitely trusted you so much. It's ultimate honor to have them trust us. He was lucky to have you as much as you were to have hi

“No one can truly understand the bond we form with the cats we love until they experience the loss of one.” - Unknown

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A.P. Hill
11 minutes ago, AJWCat said:

That picture above with Micah in your arms is so sweet. He definitely trusted you so much. It's ultimate honor to have them trust us. He was lucky to have you as much as you were to have hi

“No one can truly understand the bond we form with the cats we love until they experience the loss of one.” - Unknown

Thank you AJWCat.  It was indeed one the greatest honors of my life to receive Micah's love and trust.  That quote is so very true.  I know I didn't truly understand that bond until I lost Micah.

I finally found your thread about your lovely C cat and have just finished reading it.  The tears were flowing as I read through your, and your husbands, journey dealing with your grief and guilt.  You had a truly loving and lovely relationship.  It was sad but so very inspirational for me read.

Blessings,

Steve 

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KayC
22 hours ago, A.P. Hill said:

For the first time in my life, I now totally understand what “no strings attached” unconditional love means.

Oh yes, they do this for us, at least my dog did. I was thinking this morning about how when I was come home, he'd jump up on the gate and squeal, smile big, tail wagging!  No one can love any better than that!  I miss his greetings.

22 hours ago, A.P. Hill said:

I was raised in an environment where men were taught to keep their emotions in check.

When my husband passed away, my son came home for the funeral and then went back to the Air Force.  He called me one morning, sobbing, and he said, "Mom, I just don't understand what's wrong with me, I wake up crying, I burst into tears at random times..."  I said, "Nothing is wrong with you, Paul.  It's called grieving."  I assured him that everyone at work would surely understand and that he wouldn't cry forever.  He, also, was raised to be stoic, not show emotions.  When he was little we called him Spock or Little Man, he rarely showed emotion, he was calm and in control of himself.  But six years ago when his dog Skye died, he cried.  And when he came to be with me when Arlie was euthanized and he saw how much he'd gone downhill, he cried, and he sobbed with me on the floor when Arlie was being put to sleep.  It's okay to have emotions.

 

22 hours ago, A.P. Hill said:

All of us hope the day arrives when there are more smiles than tears.

Yes.

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A.P. Hill
On 11/9/2019 at 10:44 AM, KayC said:

Oh yes, they do this for us, at least my dog did. I was thinking this morning about how when I was come home, he'd jump up on the gate and squeal, smile big, tail wagging!  No one can love any better than that!  I miss his greetings.

 

Dear Kay:

Absolutely correct.  It is still an event that sometimes still triggers an emotional response with me and I’m sure with you.  The message is the same whether it’s a dog or cat – “I missed you so very much.”  Whenever I would come home after 4 or 5 hours away, once Micah heard the garage door open, he would be sitting at the door waiting for me to enter the house.  If I were gone for over a day, he would be waiting for me and as soon as I entered, he would talk non-stop, rub against my leg, stand up with paws on my leg, and demanding to be held.  Once I picked him up, it resulted in enthusiastic head bunting with a little grooming session from him.  God, I miss that!!!

A couple of weeks after Micah’s death we had to travel to my mothers for her 90th birthday.  Us kids had rented a nice venue, had a meal catered for a little over 100 family and friends, and made a video of her life.  Anything short of my death, would not have prevented me from attending this special day in her honor.  I will admit that I was in no mental shape at the time to interact and socialize with so many people.  I did however call on my inner “Tom Hanks” to at least act like I had some social etiquette.  Although probably not an Oscar winning performance, I believe I pulled it off.  I was very happy for my mom as this day probably ranked in the top 10 greatest days of her life.  I was also glad to spend time with my brothers and sisters. 

About 3 hours into a 7-hour return trip home, all I could think about was that Micah would not be there to greet me when I entered the house.  As I pulled into the driveway and opened the garage door, I totally lost it.  I couldn’t even get out of the car for several minutes and enter the house because it just wouldn’t be the same without Micah there to greet me.  Home just didn’t seem like home at that time.

I still miss him so much.

Blessings,

Steve

 

 

Love Lives on 10.jpg

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