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the journey of grief


Sunflower2

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For those beginning this challenging journey...It is your journey.  Your personal journey.  A journey that is uniquely yours alone.  Try not to compare your journey to others. Your history, your story your relationship is uniquely yours.  You own it with all the feelings you now are enduring. Whispers of the souls.  Such beauty in that for me personally.

I've passed the 2 year mark.  Whatever that is to mean.  It will be different for all of us!  Uniquely different. 

The shock, the numbness, the denial the emotional zigzags, the anger, the fear, the searching, the disorganization, the panic, the loneliness, the isolation, the guilt, the depression do begin to bring us a level of "re-entry."  How you interpret re-entry is your story.  Again your unique story.

At some point you will discover new relationships, new strengths, new patterns, hope, affirmations. To me this is what I acknowledge as "loss adjustments."  This is my re-entry.

In experiencing this it doesn't mean I've mastered acceptance. Acceptance is personal.  Am I there in fullness. Absoultuely not!   Am I interested in definitions of acceptance? Absolutely not!   Am I interested in others regurgitation of acceptatance? Absolutely not.!  This is my journey and I will internalize it and weave through this as I need to weave through it. It is a challenge.  Will I reach it?  That is an unknown.  I will work the unknown. 

It is a personal journey you will take for the rest of your life. 

Let me mention the triggers.....oh those triggers.  They do exist!  They arrive suddenly.  We all know what I mean when I mention triggers. There is no need to provide details and examples.  You will experience them and they will carry all the emotional elements of your loss and your life.  There are gentle triggers.  Triggers come in all shapes and sizes. Know you can pass through them even when you are bombarded with a string of profound triggers that can make you feel like you are back to square one.  You are not back to square one.  You will pass through it.  Yes after two years you can have a day of trigger bombardments. To return at this point? Unthinkable. It will happen. 

 

This is the grief journey.  It is not compact.  It is not sequenced.  It is not neatly packaged. There is no navigation chart that exist. No statistical report. Another individual's journey is NOT going to provide this instruction kit.  My own creation of a "tool box" was my gift to myself.  That became my most personal asset on this journey.  

Grief is a tapestry that is given to us. Only we can weave our way through it. 

In some small way I hope this post provides some light to those beginning.

I do not know when I first posted here.  I do not re-read my posts.  It is not necessary.  I do know that one day I will not be re-visiting the forum even as infrequently as I do now with my quick scan.   Yet at the very beginning it was a lifeline.  I carry the hope I remember a few members had given when I so needed that light.  They are no longer here.  I thank them.  They left a footprint for me.  A wise footprint of hope.  

So in closing I hope in some small way I leave a footprint for those beginning this journey. 

Light and Love

~Sunflower~

 

 

 

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Sunflower, 

Thank you so much for your kind post.  I am glad to read your thoughts on the loss adjustment process.

I feel I am just beginning my journey of learning how to live without him. Finding my "loss adjustments".

It is a daunting journey.  I don't feel I have the courage to make this journey. I never would have chosen this path. But here I am, weaving my way, creating the tapestry of the rest of my life.

Peace

Gail 

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Sunflower ~

Thanks for sharing your journey with us.  Although ours will all be different, it does put a little light at the end of the tunnel and takes away some of the panic I feel during those tough moments.  I'm 16 months into this and like Gail, I have kept myself so incredibly busy.  I'm afraid to stop.  One thing I have learned through this process is that although I often have set backs, I know I will get through them as I often have in the past.  I too never would have chosen this path but I also understand life has left me no choice.  I too am weaving the tapestry.  Sometimes I get stuck and must move in a different direction.  Sometimes the answer is right in front of me, but I can't see it.  Sometimes I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm just doing.  Sometimes accomplishing the smallest task can feel like climbing a mountain.  Sometimes, the largest task is easy.  No rhyme or reason, no right or wrong, it just is.  Thanks for your message. 

Rhonda

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I feel like if you have a partner with a deadly illness, like cancer, you suffer twice. My husband battled leukemia for a year and 8 months. Even though i can never imagine all the pain and suffering he went thru, i went thru my own pain and suffering. My husband was 34 when he was diagnosed. He was perfectly healthy, no previous diseases, no illnesses, no prior hospitalizations, nada. So to watch him fight for his life and be ravaged by the chemo was psychological warfare. Trying to be his rock during this time, trying to mask the tears with a brave face, smiling when i wanted to cry, waiting with baited breath every time the bone marrow biopsy results came back, constantly reassuring my husband we'd make it thru this, all the while keeping all the worrying and stressing to myself, took its toll on me. Mentally and physically. So its like 1 year and 8 months is added on to this grief. 

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5 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I don't feel I have the courage to make this journey.

None of us do.  It doesn't depend on our courage, it depends on us getting up one more day and then doing it all over again.   (((hugs)))

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On ‎10‎/‎21‎/‎2019 at 4:05 PM, Jttalways said:

I feel like if you have a partner with a deadly illness, like cancer, you suffer twice. My husband battled leukemia for a year and 8 months. Even though i can never imagine all the pain and suffering he went thru, i went thru my own pain and suffering. My husband was 34 when he was diagnosed. He was perfectly healthy, no previous diseases, no illnesses, no prior hospitalizations, nada. So to watch him fight for his life and be ravaged by the chemo was psychological warfare. Trying to be his rock during this time, trying to mask the tears with a brave face, smiling when i wanted to cry, waiting with baited breath every time the bone marrow biopsy results came back, constantly reassuring my husband we'd make it thru this, all the while keeping all the worrying and stressing to myself, took its toll on me. Mentally and physically. So its like 1 year and 8 months is added on to this grief

I so understand all of this.  My husband was 52 when diagnosed but we had just started dating two years before after having both been married in the past.  We had finally found each other and started a life together.  I can't imagine if he had been 34.  You must be a similar age.  I was angry enough that my husband was 52, I can't imagine how cheated you both felt at your young age.  I feel like watching your loved one fight cancer and the hell it puts both of you through is a trauma.  I feel like it leaves you with PTSD, watching the person you knew and love disappear right before your very eyes week by week, day by day.  Standing there helpless, not being able to do anything about it, all while trying to stay strong for that person and everyone around you.  After enduring all that, your person still dies, another trauma.  Knowing that some people respond to the treatments and some people don't.  When your person doesn't, sitting right next to another person who responds well, another trauma.  Guilt and shame for feeling jealous.  It's all one big trauma and the world gives you a short window to sort through.  Working through all this takes time, more time than the world is going to give us so we are going to have to take that time for ourselves.   

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56 minutes ago, Rhonda R said:

 I feel like watching your loved one fight cancer and the hell it puts both of you through is a trauma.  I feel like it leaves you with PTSD, watching the person you knew and love disappear right before your very eyes week by week, day by day.  

Yes, complete PTSD. My son recently had knee surgery and there were "triggers" setting me off. When the nurse inserted his IV, when i helped him put on his hospital gown, I had flashbacks and almost broke down. I'm 36, my husband 35 when he passed. My husband and I have been together for almost 17 years. Married 15. I am glad you and your husband found each other, sucks that it was cut so short. Life is unfair, but i guess we have to be grateful for the love we had and experienced. 

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8 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

I can't imagine if he had been 34.  You must be a similar age.  I was angry enough that my husband was 52, I can't imagine how cheated you both felt at your young age.

Ditto. George was 51 when he died.  If he would have died at 34, I never would have met him!

I do think it's all the harder the younger you are, you grieve not only the person but all the future you didn't get together, all the dreams you shared.

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The thing that scares me the most is that my husband is a memory now. Each day that passes, is another day further away from him. As time rolls by, the more he slips from my grasp. I don’t want him to be my past. I want him to be my present and future. I don’t want him to fade away.

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9 hours ago, Jttalways said:

I don’t want him to be my past. I want him to be my present and future. I don’t want him to fade away.

I still break down regularly, begging her to come back, that I can't do it without her. Just last night I was visiting my grandparents and a song came on that reminded me of her. I broke down on the drive home, sobbing and pleading to have her back.

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13 hours ago, Jttalways said:

The thing that scares me the most is that my husband is a memory now. Each day that passes, is another day further away from him

When you love someone with everything you have, they become a part of you.  I had the exact same fear.  I haven't forgotten one thing about Randy, I'm holding him lovingly inside me every day.  Look at Kay, it's been 14 years and she hasn't forgotten George.  The hardest part for me was when people stopped talking about him.  I didn't want anyone to forget him.  I wanted him to be present in everyone's life but I can't control that, the only thing I can control are my thoughts, feelings and love for him.  If I close my eyes and concentrate, I can still remember what it felt like to hold his hand or lay next to him in bed.  I'm never going to forget Randy, no matter how old I get and you will never forget your loved one either. 

I lost my mom in 1999 and I still have very vivid memories of her.  I haven't forgotten her or stopped loving her.  Even so, I had those fears with Randy.  I now know I will never forget him and never stop loving him.  As life goes on without them, because we have no choice, I think it's the immediate loss, the every day loss that makes us believe they are fading from us.  Take it day by day and moment by moment.  You are both so new to this, the best advice I got was don't think about the future, just take one day at a time, one hour at a time if you need to.  We are all here for you and remember those extremely painful and early days. 

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I think all of us have feared that.  I can assure you that he will always be present as well as past...I still talk to George, I still value our love, our relationship, and the best part of my life, which he was in.  As long as they are in our hearts, they are part of us...currently.

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It’s going on almost 2 years now since my bf passed suddenly. I remember the early posts and you commenting on some prior posts of mine and vice versa. This site truly never fails.

Yesterday was a trigger day for me.. then everything today feels sad and hopeless. Reading your post reminds me how far I’ve come in this crazy journey of life and grief and that you do slowly start to heal but then every so often pop your head back into this forum. You see the people just starting out on this painful journey and think back to those first couple of days when nothing makes sense.. then the “first” year when all that pain comes rushing back.. then the “couple years later” as ppl heal, then slowly disappear from this site.

i also don’t frequent this site very often at all but felt like I needed it. And bam, there u were with ur post and again, I feel like even if I don’t know u, there is someone out there that knows how I feel.

thank you. 

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Sunflower,

Thank you so much for this post. I really needed it today.

Today marks a little over one month since my beloved's passing and the emotions are just as overwhelming and raw as when i found out. It gives me some hope that these feelings will lessen and the pain won't be as sharp. I never in a million years thought i'd be in this position but i'm so grateful for all of you. Although our experiences and journeys may be different -i'm glad to have such a wonderful, strong, supportive group of people understand what it's like to mourn the loss of our person.

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