About guilt

[MODArtemis2019]

Sleep is a physiologic necessity, like food and water. It's not a luxury. You needed sleep to function. 

"When my husband was first diagnosed, I spent all day and all night with him in the hospital for 3 months straight."

This was truly a heroic effort. You couldn't keep it up forever. 

I'll ask you the same questions I ask myself when I feel horribly guilty: Would your husband want you to torture yourself? Would you talk to a friend the way you are talking about yourself? We all know the answer to these questions is "no."  

My therapist said that feelings of guilt and responsibility are a way of trying to mentally change these terrible events that occurred.  "If only I had done ____," things would have been better for my husband."  We know rationally that we can't change what happened, but psychologically, we are trying. I do the same thing. 

Try to speak to yourself with compassion, the way you would if speaking to a friend. 

 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Artemis2019 said:

I'll ask you the same questions I ask myself when I feel horribly guilty: Would your husband want you to torture yourself? Would you talk to a friend the way you are talking about yourself? We all know the answer to these questions is "no."  

So true and puts it in perspective.

1 hour ago, Artemis2019 said:

My therapist said that feelings of guilt and responsibility are a way of trying to mentally change these terrible events that occurred.  "If only..."

I figured this out a long time ago, I've seen countless people in grief do the "if only" and it seems to me they are trying to find a different outcome, anything but what happened, only that's not an option for us, what happened is the only reality.  Truth be known, most of the "if onlys" we come up with wouldn't have truly changed anything.  We are hardest on ourselves.

[jacqisonteam213]

I have intense feeling that i abandoned him , because i didn’t visit him enough . even though , it probably wasnt safe( he had cancer , and i have low immunity, meaning i get sick a lot) . but i hate the last thing i said to him was a year ago . i only got to visit him once , when he first got sick .  i hate myself for it .

[Rhonda R]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I've seen countless people in grief do the "if only" and it seems to me they are trying to find a different outcome, anything but what happened, only that's not an option for us, what happened is the only reality.  Truth be known, most of the "if onlys" we come up with wouldn't have truly changed anything.  We are hardest on ourselves.

I do this all the time.  The truth is, I don't really know if it would have made a difference.  I just want so badly for things to be different.  I was part of a group called Smartpatients.com when my husband was sick.  It's all about different treatments, the latest and greatest treatments and peoples outcomes.  It's actually torture to go there but I still do it twice a week.  When I do, all I think is, why didn't we try that.  Why didn't we do that. 

 

10 hours ago, Jttalways said:

 I’m such a selfish bitch

One of the last outings my husband and I were on, he wanted to drive past his old house, where he lived with his ex-wife.  I immediately got upset and refused to do it.  He hated her so I couldn't understand why he would want to relive those memories.  Now, I wish I would have just sucked it up and done it.  My husband was a very sentimental person.  It wasn't about her, it was about the house where he raised his kids but I couldn't see past myself. 

[Jttalways]

Thank you all. Your words have truly helped. I tell my family my feelings of guilt and regret and of course I get the usual "Are you kidding? Stop being so hard on yourself. You did all you could. You were there with him all the time."

5 hours ago, Artemis2019 said:

I'll ask you the same questions I ask myself when I feel horribly guilty: Would your husband want you to torture yourself? Would you talk to a friend the way you are talking about yourself? We all know the answer to these questions is "no."  

My therapist said that feelings of guilt and responsibility are a way of trying to mentally change these terrible events that occurred.  "If only I had done ____," things would have been better for my husband."  We know rationally that we can't change what happened, but psychologically, we are trying. I do the same thing. 

Completely true. Thank you for sharing.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Jttalways said:

Stop being so hard on yourself. You did all you could.

I get that a lot about the loss of my dog.  People remind me how I cooked for him, what a good life I gave him, but it seems all I focus on is in the end he lost his life to cancer and I wish there was something/anything that could have saved him.  He deserved so much better.

I suppose we're all hard on ourselves and learning not to be is a process.  I hope I get better at it, I hope we all do.  I know we don't deserve to beat ourselves up, but still we do.  We're human, we're not God, it's not in our power to give this person (or dog) a new lease on life...I wish it were within our power.

[Moment2moment]

I can relate to much of this, that's for sure. I have a long story of her gradual loss of health and decline, but it is the hospice months that haunt me the most. The last 5 months of her life.

Before that there were 2 years of a stroke on Dec 20th, multiple hospitalizations, 3 inpatient rehabs, and 8 months of home health rehab before her body began the long agonizing process of shutting down, beginning with a lack of appetite on her Dec birthday and culminating on an uneaten plate of her favorite foods for Christmas Day.

I did not understand what was happening at the time. Two days after Christmas she fell and I had to call the life squad. She had fallen multiple times over the past 2 years of rehab, but this was different. 

They took her to the ER at 11pm and released her back to home at 430am. They said there was nothing more they could do to help her. That was it!

I cannot go into all the details but basically her heart was failing and later I learned that was why she could no longer stand. 

Once she got home i was determined that she was not going into a nursing home. I would keep her at home with me and "our girls" (our dogs) until the end.

So I called hospice and the nurse came out and admitted her. At that point I had been the only caregiver 24/7 except for the home care people who had come for 6 months the first year.

The hospice nurse explained to me that her not eating was the beginning of her body shutting down. I looked at her like I thought she was crazy, but said nothing. I did not believe it. I had never seen this before but let it go.

Then she said to me that I needed a rest and asked Martha if she would be willing to go to a respite unit for a week to get stabilized and for me to rest and she said yes.

I remember feeling so guilty, but I wound up mostly sleeping for 3 days before I went there to visit her.

This was in January and at that phase she was enjoying the private room, the food, the view out her window.

I think I was in shock from sheer physical and mental exhaustion and just grateful that someone was coming to the house to help me care for her.

Once she went into hospice she was bedbound. She never stood up again and thus began the most horrifically painful part of her journey to the end.

I experienced trauma that I can barely think about-images, conversations-I see her face in pain-her eyes gazing sadly, her body wasting down, and I know that the only way I was coping was because I wanted her with me at home as long as I could have her. 

She would go to the hospice unit and I would crumble in and wear her lifeline button and fear that I too was dying along with her. 

I had a hospice counselor then and I was a babbling basket case having panic attacks and praying to God constantly to give me strength to get through.

By end of April it became real to me that she was going to die soon. There was no long involved discussion. When you have been together 30 years as soul mates there are just "knowings".

The last 3 days are etched forever in my mind and soul and heart. She started the last phase on Friday night, all night, most horrific process. I talked about what it was like when I had a therapist but I cannot do it here. I could not be in the room with her at 3am when this was going on. I would check in but I don't think she would have known I was there anyway.

I hid in another room. I was numb, in shock, terrified. I clung to my dogs on the couch and waited for sunrise.  It never dawned on me to call the hospice nurse. 

I don't know why I behaved this way. It wasnt like me. I had been by her side for 2 years. But I could not go in the room.

The next morning I called hospice and I was hysterical on the phone. I know I was in a state of shock because I had a dissociative out of body experience. 

Two nurses arrived and she was throwing up horrific brown liquid and screaming that she wanted to die. I held her head and the nurses were on the phone trying to find her a bed in the unit.

One asked me to come outside and she told me then that her bowels were shutting down and her circulation was receding as her heart was failing.

I am alone, have been alone, and going through this was surreal. Its like watching a movie and it is not real. Its like I knew she wa going to die, but now that the final phase is here, what?

At 5pm I was able to drive the 5 miles to the unit. I walked in the room and it was dark except for the light from the window. She lie there, outstretched under a white sheet, medicated, silent, eyes closed. Her face was so emaciated that her eyes were sunken in the sockets.

In my mind she was gone, the light gone from her eyes forever, and I told the nurse that she was ready and wanted to go, and I left the room.

I have replayed that moment a million times in my mind because that was not my normal way of doing things. Normally I would have sat by her bed, slept there that night, and had promised her that I would hold her when she took her last breath.

None of that happened. I was on some kind of auto pilot and I drove home and collapsed because I had not slept for days.

The next morning, at 936am, the nurse called and said he had just checked her and was standing there as she took her last breath.

He said she was nonresponsive and had never wakened since she had been brought in.

I wasn't there like I did I would be, but I am a spiritual person and I truly believe that i wasn't supposed to be.

I have heard, and I believe, that they often will pass in the absence of loved ones to spare us the pain. We saw that when mom and my mom passed. 

There was a period when I felt guilt about not being there but the same thing happened with our moms so I accepted it as necessary or meant  to be.

We all loved and cared for them as best we could with what we knew to do at the time. That is how I see it.

All for love. Be at peace my Dear Martha. We will be together again in time.

[Jttalways]

@Moment2moment Your post is absolutely heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing your experience. My husband did various chemo treatments for 20 months. At 1 point, none of the chemo therapies were working and the doctors spoke briefly about the possibility of hospice care. But they had 1 last chemo to try, lo and behold, it worked and my husband was in remission. Obviously, he didn’t stay in remission very long. The leukemia was back a month later. If I had to envision my husband’s passing, it would have been him not responding to treatment then being sent home to pass peacefully while receiving comfort care. Definitely did not think he would pass so abrupt and unexpectedly due to being over medicated. This has caused me much guilt and pain. But after reading your experience, it has given me a different perspective on my husband’s situation. It goes to show that even if things happen a certain way, even if you know what’s coming and you try to prepare yourself, you’re still never going to be prepared. There’s is always going to be some kind of guilt and regret. 
 “All deaths are sudden, no matter how gradual the dying may be.”
― Michael McDowell

[Moment2moment]

I had never told our story here so I wanted to do it as others did.

I think we always hope it will get better and when it doesn't we somehow think we could have changed the outcome but that was impossible in our situations.

I recall the old saying along the lines of "We are all gonna die, its just a question of when and how" and I do know that in all our stories here there is love and loyalty and dedication. 

Regarding what happened after the nurse called, he asked me if I wanted to come and see her or should they call the funeral home.

At that moment I was surrounded by the sweetest odor of lillies! Now I know the smell of lillies as I have delivered them at Easter.

I told him, "No, I don't need to come there. She is not there,  she is here! "

With that I hung up and was overcome with the craziest sense of joy and peace that I have ever felt!

I called up her sister and we talked for 2 hours about her and how she was free and whole and walking again.

I know that she came to me and I know that the feelings I felt were what she was feeling as she was freed from her body.

She was telling me she was ok. 

What a gift!

 

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

I have heard, and I believe, that they often will pass in the absence of loved ones to spare us the pain.

I have often felt bad that I was not allowed to be with my George when he passed...the hospital took that decision out of my hands as the nurse literally threw me out and locked the door behind me.  They were working on his heart, maybe they didn't want me to see, but I only wanted to be by his side.  Perhaps you are right and it's easier for them to pass in peace not having to worry about us or our reactions.  I think I'll always wish I was there, but this helps me accept it better.

I can't imagine all you went through, it was bad enough going through cancer with my dog, watching him suffer, trying to make decisions, I can't imagine having to do that with my husband.  I went through it with my MIL, she was the mom I always wanted, my best friend, and watching her suffer to death, bedridden for three long years (I was her caregiver), that was a hard but a special time also.  But to do that with your spouse, I can't imagine, my heart goes out to all of you who suffered alongside them in this way.

5 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

At that moment I was surrounded by the sweetest odor of lillies! Now I know the smell of lillies as I have delivered them at Easter.

I told him, "No, I don't need to come there. She is not there,  she is here! "

With that I hung up and was overcome with the craziest sense of joy and peace that I have ever felt!

I called up her sister and we talked for 2 hours about her and how she was free and whole and walking again.

I know that she came to me and I know that the feelings I felt were what she was feeling as she was freed from her body.

She was telling me she was ok. 

What a gift!

This is beautiful and what we all need the reminder of!

[foreverhis]

On 12/19/2019 at 11:53 PM, Moment2moment said:

I have heard, and I believe, that they often will pass in the absence of loved ones to spare us the pain.

I've heard that too.  I think that may be what happened with my mom.  She had been fighting pancreatic cancer for a year.  Up until her last several weeks, she was actually functioning fairly well.  But then things got worse pretty fast.  We convinced her that home hospice was not "to make" her die, but to help us all so that she could have the best time possible with her friends and family, and so that my husband and I would have a respite from being caregivers and just be carers.

She died after Thanksgiving, when our whole family had been together at her house.  My siblings and their spouses came in from out of the area and we spent the whole time together with her in various configurations.  She was her stubborn, sometimes irritating and annoying, and sometimes funny self.

Her last day was a good one overall.  Her hospice nurses were in and her vitals were good, though she needed a bit more oral pain med than before.  Her friends who lived nearby all seemed to drop in that day for visits.  I was there most of the day with her.  Confession: I got angry with her and scolded her earlier in the day.  She had messed up her checkbook--again--and I had to spend 2 hours figuring it out.  We had already taken her car keys nearly 3 months before, when I said, "Mom, hand me the keys or your beloved son-in-law (my husband) will come over and disable your car in a way you won't be able to figure out."  She knew I meant it and that he'd do it.  It's difficult for independent people to cede control.  It was almost impossible with both her and my husband.

Anyway, I was exasperated and said, "Mom, I am taking your damn checkbook.  I will be paying your bills and minding your money. You put us on the accounts so we could do this if necessary.  I can't keep spending hours fixing things.  You have to give this up right now."  I felt guilty about that later until five people who knew her well, including my sister and my sister-by-choice said stuff like, "She hated people hovering over her and pitying her.  You really think she would have wanted you to act all 'poor baby' or something like that?  She wanted all of us to just be ourselves."  Very true.

Anyway, at the end of the day, we had a great conversation about the day and life in general.  I helped her wash up and get ready for bed.  Then I made her one of her favorite soups with bread for supper, got her settled in her chair, and put on one of her favorite movies.  She shooed me out the door and said she was fine. 

The next day I came in with a few things, said hello, and walked to the kitchen to wash dishes, make her a smoothie, etc.  Strange that she didn't answer, but I figured she was sleeping.  She wasn't.  I called my husband and said, "I think mom died."  "Think"...sure.  He came right over and checked her because I couldn't do it.  He said, "You know, she always said she'd die on her terms and in her way.  She was a stubborn woman, she must have decided it was time."

I don't know why I related that whole story, except that we're convinced she was determined to die alone, at home, with no one fussing around her.  That's what she did and we were fine with it.

My husband was an entirely different story.  His last days on comfort care at the hospital were so difficult.  He never got to go home for hospice, which was planned for the following Monday morning.  Instead, we spent his last day in a huge private room with a beautiful courtyard and fountain view.  As his body slowly wound down his last hours, I just played music and talked to him, mostly normally as if he was still wide awake and could understand everything.  I had our daughter talk to him on speaker phone because she was back in Seattle, having just visited with our granddaughter 1-1/2 weeks earlier.  Sometimes I think he held on as long as he did just so he could see our girls for one last visit.

I think he needed to hear her say it was okay, that he'd been an amazing dad and grandpa, that she loved him more than anything, and he should stop fighting now.  I believe he knew that no matter where I was the pain would be as deep.  We'd been "just the two of us" for a really long time, so his fight was partly our fight.  He would have known that I'd need to be there and I'm certain he wanted me with him.  It was very hard watching his breathing grow shallower and slower.  There were times I had to look away, fearful that this breath would be his last.  As if, if I didn't see it, he'd just keep on breathing and magically get better.  I can't remember exactly when he closed his eyes for the last time as he rolled further toward me.  I remember feeling numb for a bit after his last breath, when I pressed the call button and said they should send someone in to check him.  I remember holding him, stroking his arms and face and saying over and over, "He's so warm.  He's still so warm."  I remember telling him for the millionth time how much I love him, how sorry I was that I let him down, and that he'd made my life better than I could ever express.  I remember gathering our things and wanting to throw them across the room.  I remember all the nurses and CNAs who asked to come in that last day to say goodbye because they liked him so much.  These are images and visions I haven't even related to our daughter because they are mine and mine alone to carry, for better or for worse. 

Our last day was the right one for us, but that doesn't mean it's the right one for everyone.  We're as individual in that as we are in our grief.  There's no right or wrong about it.  There's only what happened and what we live with now.

 

[Rhonda R]

My mom had a car that she absolutely loved.  We sold it, before she died.  Why did we do that?  It could have waited.  What could we have been thinking?  It was 20 years ago now and I can't remember if we needed the money or what but all I can think is what a sad day that must have been for her.  She would have never sold that car if she wasn't dying.  She tried to act like what's the difference but I'm sure it tore her up.  I think about it and I want to punch myself in the face. 

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

She would have never sold that car if she wasn't dying.  She tried to act like what's the difference but I'm sure it tore her up.  I think about it and I want to punch myself in the face. 

I know my mom would never have handed over her keys if she hadn't known deep down that she couldn't drive safely, especially because she had started to have to take pain and anti-anxiety meds.  But it was still so hard for her.

Whatever the reason you needed to sell her car, your mom would have understood it deep down.  Even though it would have been difficult and painful for her, she would have realized it was the right thing.  But it is a tangible giving in, accepting, and letting go of the life they used to live.

I wish you could give yourself a break about this.  There must have been a reason for selling it then because you seem like the kind of person who puts thought into her actions and who is kind and considerate.  What would you tell a friend in this situation?  I bet anything you would not be as hard on them as you've been on yourself.

 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I wish you could give yourself a break about this. 
What would you tell a friend in this situation?

You're right...we're often too hard on ourselves...we do our best for the people we love.  And this wasn't just a hard time for them, it was a hard time for us to go through as well.

[Kal1120]

I have a lot of guilt issues. My husband was killed in a car accident, the other driver fell asleep. My husband was taking a different route because I had asked him to stop at the store on the way back, and buy me tums (I was pregnant with our first baby and had awful heartburn). I think all the time that had I not told him to stop at the store, he wouldn’t have been on that route and he would still be here. I would still have a husband. Our daughter would have a living father. I get in a really awful headspace with it sometimes and I don’t really know what to do about that. 

[Jttalways]

On 12/20/2019 at 10:46 AM, foreverhis said:

I remember holding him, stroking his arms and face and saying over and over, "He's so warm.  He's still so warm."  

Oh boy, did this open the floodgates. The hospital gave me 2 hours with my husband after he passed. I laid in the hospital bed with him and tried to hold him as best as I could. I was finally able to hug and kiss him without all those damn tubes and wires in the way. I repeated those same words, “he’s so warm.” I kept touching his bare chest, feeling the warmth, praying and hoping I would also feel a heartbeat.

[Rhonda R]

Kal1120 -

It wasn’t your fault. I believe that when God calls you home, it doesn’t matter what you are doing. 

[KayC]

@Kal1120  And had he gone a different route, a drunk driver could have killed him..  We can't protect them from what comes nor control it.  It's not your fault.  Stopping at the store for Tums is an ordinary everyday type of thing, you couldn't possibly have foreseen or prevented this.  I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.  And I've beat myself up because I wasn't there when my husband had his heart attacks that fateful weekend...I went to my sisters' reunion...the once a year I'm gone and it had to happen then!  I was there when he had his last heart attack that weekend...the fatal one...but they threw me out of his ward and locked the door behind me so I couldn't be there for him when he met his maker.  In no way was it my fault, yet I've gone over it and over it in my mind a million times since.

[foreverhis]

On 12/3/2019 at 10:40 AM, Jttalways said:

I tell my family my feelings of guilt and regret and of course I get the usual "Are you kidding? Stop being so hard on yourself. You did all you could. You were there with him all the time."

I've had friends and family tell me that I was an amazing wife, partner, and caregiver.  I've had doctors and nurses tell me that they've rarely met a couple so connected or a spouse so involved and devoted.  But what I hear is, "Blah, blah, blah," because how I respond to myself is wildly different:  "If I was such a great and wonderful wife and partner, my soulmate would have recovered and would be here to tell me himself."  He isn't, so I cannot (yet?) forgive my own faults and failings.  I know how much I tried and I loved my husband so much I would have taken his place in a heartbeat to have spared him the pain and fear, but I also know all the times I didn't do something or do it soon enough or, well, on and on.

I doubt we would ever be as hard on someone else as we are on ourselves.  I think that's partly because, as humans, we naturally look for someone to blame or search for how we could have a different outcome.  We're the ones still here, so we blame ourselves.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, foreverhis said:

If I was such a great and wonderful wife and partner, my soulmate would have recovered

Really?  I didn't think their living/dying correlated with how we were.  If that's the case, all of us here were rotten spouses.  This kind of thinking doesn't make sense, why are we so hard on ourselves?  We DESERVE for them to have lived!  We were the best spouses in the world!  I see married couples that nitpick and fight over stupid stuff, that wasn't us, we loved and appreciated each other.  Why do they still get to have each other and we don't?  It isn't based on deservedness, it's just random stuff that happens.  I don't believe it's part of some plot or plan, I don't think we deserved this to happen, I think life/death happens and we get to deal with it.  Pure and simple.  It's not fair, nothing about life is fair, nothing about death is either.  JMO...

[Rhonda R]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

We DESERVE for them to have lived! 

We did deserve for them to have lived.  They deserved to have lived.  I often think, if we had taken this path or that path, it would have turned out differently.  If we had gone here or gone there, it would have turned out different.  In my heart, I know that might not have been the case.  I just want to change the outcome with all of my heart and I can't.  That's what makes me so angry.  That's what has me so lost.  I appreciated him, but I wish I would have appreciated him more.  Chosen my battles a little more carefully and told him more how important he was to my life and happiness.  I always thought my kids came first but honestly, they were equals.  Even in my happiest moments, there is still a sadness that never leaves, never will.  We had his family's Christmas yesterday and his mother told me that there is always something missing.  She is always looking around for something that is missing.  I so get that. 

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

Really?  I didn't think their living/dying correlated with how we were.  If that's the case, all of us here were rotten spouses.  This kind of thinking doesn't make sense, why are we so hard on ourselves?  We DESERVE for them to have lived! 

Yeah, it's what my irrational side tells me, even though I know it's absurd.  It's the guilt talking loud and clear, even though I know somewhere deep down that it's not true.  It's the small part of me that thinks I'm somehow omnipotent--pretty arrogant, but it's a probably a little kernel of ego that hasn't resolved itself yet.

It's strange how I think absolutely everyone else here was a wonderful spouse and partner, but I can't yet give that truth and grace to myself. I read your stories and marvel at them.  It sure doesn't make sense.  Maybe if I could figure out why I'm so hard on myself, then I'd start to be able to make that transition from guilt to regret.

One thing is darn sure:  We all deserve for them to have lived, and so did they.

 

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

We did deserve for them to have lived.  They deserved to have lived.  I often think, if we had taken this path or that path, it would have turned out differently.  If we had gone here or gone there, it would have turned out different.  In my heart, I know that might not have been the case.  I just want to change the outcome with all of my heart and I can't.  That's what makes me so angry.  That's what has me so lost.  I appreciated him, but I wish I would have appreciated him more.

I am right there with you.  The anger, the guilt, the wishing for a different outcome.  Sometimes I think all the way back to, "If only he hadn't met and married me, maybe he would have been somewhere else or with someone else and he would have made it through."  Of course that's ridiculous because we were soulmates through all the wonderful, all the mundane, and all the painful moments of life for 35 years (37 if you count from the time we met).  We knew each other as friends, but it was after our first date that we both decided, "This is it. This is the one."  We were together from that day on.

I know for sure that I should have let more of the little things go and I can name all my faults perfectly.  The thing I have to guard against is forgetting that he was an imperfect human being too.  I have a tendency to put him on a pedestal as some mythic hero.  Of course he was not.  He was a good, smart, honest, loyal, funny, silly, stubborn, loving, irritating, and imperfect man who I loved with all my heart and still do.

It's completely and thoroughly irrational and wrong to feel it's somehow my fault, but there it is stabbing me in the heart as I search for "Why did he die while others got to live?"

[Gail 8588]

I feel the guilt of not having saved my husband all the time. I wanted so much for him to recover from the stroke.  But apparently the decisions I made were the wrong choices, as they resulted in his death.   If all paths would have had the same outcome, why didn't I realize that earlier and allow him to go home and die in peace, as he asked me. Why did I choose one painful procedure after another, torturing him for 25 days. He died with a ventilator, a feeding tube, clot filters, IVs, and numerous monitors attached or installed. He was packed in ice for hours  on several days.  He was in a great deal of pain in those final weeks.  It was pain I caused to happen.  I am so sorry about it all. But I can never undo it.  I know he knew I was well intentioned.  But as the saying goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Gail

 

[KayC]

foreverhis you say you don't know why you are so hard on yourself... it's grief. We all are. It takes a long time to be easier on ourselves.

[Rhonda R]

9 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

But apparently the decisions I made were the wrong choices, as they resulted in his death.

Gail -

That's what doctors are for.  They are there to guide us.  If they thought there was absolutely no hope and what was taking place was just cruel, they would have told you that.  You wanted him to live.  The last couple days Randy was alive his oncologist came to visit us.  We were talking privately outside the room and I kept saying, maybe if I had done this or maybe if I had done that.  He stopped me and told me that was not my burden, it was his.  He said I've been a kidney cancer specialist for 30 years and if we can't figure it out, why are you putting it on yourself to figure out?  Your job as his wife was to love him unconditionally and from what I have seen, you have done your job beautifully. 

If you hadn't done all that and just let him go, you would be having guilt the other way.  Why didn't I try this or that.  It's a no win situation.  We aren't doctors.  We aren't supposed to know what to do.  Believe me, if they would have told me, there is one more treatment we can try, I would have told them to do it.  I would have done anything to keep him here with me. 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

It's a no win situation.

For sure.

Thinking of all of you today, wishing you some measure of peace and hoping none of you are alone all day.  Been there.

[MODArtemis2019]

"But apparently the decisions I made were the wrong choices, as they resulted in his death."

I doubt this very much. His disease is what led to his death. Your decisions were based on love and medical guidance. And it simply wasn't enough to overcome the disease. 

I have also tortured myself with doubts about decisions. My husband died at home, not in a hospital. But it was not the peaceful death that many others have described. I have blamed myself for not giving him a peaceful death; it's the thing that causes me the most pain. I even wondered if he should have been in the hospital, maybe it would have been more peaceful. 

We are both blaming ourselves for events that were not under our control. That's a fact. But I know it's still hard to stop feeling responsible when our husbands could no longer do everything for themselves. 

[KayC]

My husband made it to the hospital but it was anything but peaceful...I've often wished he could have died at home so I could have been with him (they threw me out and locked the door when they were working on him).  I guess we always wish it'd gone a different way, and I guess death is seldom that perfect transition we'd hope for.