About guilt

[MODArtemis2019]

I struggle with feelings of guilt for actions I took or didn't take, especially during the last few weeks of my husband's life. It's not a general guilt, like "could I have done more?" It's very specific- at certain moments I feel I should have said or done things differently. It is very hard to let go of this grief, because it is so specific, and because I can make a case that perhaps he would have had another few weeks if certain things had been done differently. I don't know how to get past this. My brain doesn't accept "you did the best you could." Yes, most of the time, I did do the best I could. But I think I could have done better in these moments. 

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Artemis2019 said:

Yes, most of the time, I did do the best I could. But I think I could have done better in these moments. 

I did do the best I could... I could have done better

Those two statements are at odds with each other...the first is spoken rationally, the second is spoken from feelings.

Why are our feelings so hard on ourselves?

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

I think it's because we ARE doing our best in the moment but then later on after they're gone we think maybe this, maybe that.  We feel responsible for what happened.  But we aren't responsible, we DID do our best...we aren't doctors, we aren't God, we didn't have the power to save them, much as we wish we could have.

[foreverhis]

21 hours ago, Artemis2019 said:

It's very specific- at certain moments I feel I should have said or done things differently.

I struggle with that as well.  During his entire cancer journey, I can point to numerous times when I look back and think, "Why didn't I...?" and "How could I have...?"  And then I'm oh so happy to blame myself for pretty much everything.  Never mind that I'm not a doctor or psychic or all-knowing.  Nope, I'm happy to take most of the "blame" for everything that happened.  In part I'm certain this is survivor's guilt because I am here and he is not.  I miss him so much every day and can't help but try to find a reason why it must be my fault.

These specific incidents or times are the kind that I don't feel I can share with anyone.  I'm certain that if I do, people will agree and wash their hands of me.  The rational part of me knows that I am harder on myself than I would be on anyone else in the exact same situation.  The reasonable part of me knows that the people who love me already know I am not perfect.  But whoever said that grief is rational or reasonable?

It's possible that I may ask my internist for a referral to a grief counselor who would be unbiased and has probably heard stories like mine before.  I don't know though if I'd find that helpful, so for now I'm trying to work on it on my own.

You're not alone.  In fact, I'm certain that we're not the only two members here who can say the same things we do.

[Gail 8588]

Artemis and Foreverhis,

You are not alone. I too feel guilt for decisions I made and times I failed to speak up.  These feelings of guilt have diminished with time.

You are both in the first year, it is all so overwhelming when grief is so new and raw. 

At some point you have to let go of the guilt that not every decision was the right one.  We are human. We cannot hold ourselves to an impossible standard.

I hope time will help you to let go of the guilt.

Peace

Gail

[KayC]

Me too. 

[MODArtemis2019]

Thank you for your responses KayC, foreverhis and Gail. I appreciate your compassionate perspectives and it helps a lot to know others understand the feeling. I'm lucky in that I do have a caring therapist, one who knew both me and my husband, and she is helping to keep me going. foreverhis, I hope you can also find a caring and skilled counselor to help you work through these very difficult issues in person too. Gail, you are right about the pressure of our situations, being human and therefore fallible. KayC, thank you for the link; it is helpful. 

[EmViolet]

During the end of my husband's life alot of stuff happened between him and I..I always go back to "what if" and keep thinking over and over about how things might have possibly ended differently. I say differently and not better because I don't know if things would have been any better. I know that I am not at fault for my husband deciding to end his own life..but when it comes to the two kids he left behind from a previous marriage..it hurts and kills me inside. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing because I understand why my husband made his decision and at the same time it hurts. So I understand feeling guilty and thinking about what I could have said or done to have things gone differently.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, EmViolet said:

During the end of my husband's life alot of stuff happened between him and I..I always go back to "what if" and keep thinking over and over about how things might have possibly ended differently. I say differently and not better because I don't know if things would have been any better. I know that I am not at fault for my husband deciding to end his own life..but when it comes to the two kids he left behind from a previous marriage..it hurts and kills me inside. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing because I understand why my husband made his decision and at the same time it hurts. So I understand feeling guilty and thinking about what I could have said or done to have things gone differently.

Just be kind to yourself and understanding of yourself.  One exercise that helps is to consider what you would tell a friend in this situation...and then tell yourself that.  We have lost them, now it's important to recognize we are our own best friend...and be it.  (((hugs)))

[KeirKieran]

The guilt is one of the most brutal things about this for me. Sometimes it feels like everything in my life for more than 10 years was a mistake and wasted time. Everything should have been done differently. I'm just a pile of mistakes and regret walking around.

But, like others (and my therapist) has said, I'm just human. I had no way to know what was coming. I was doing the best I could with the information I had. I thought I was doing everything right. 

I still tell her how sorry I am nearly every time I write her, but I'm working on it.

[KayC]

I doubt everything in ten years was a mistake, I'm sure there's plenty of things you did right, you just can't see them right now because the outcome wasn't what you wanted.  I hope in time you'll be able to forgive yourself for being human and not having superhero powers, and accept that your love was enough for her.

[MODArtemis2019]

I said to my therapist recently, "I don't how i can get past this awful feeling of guilt." Her response was simple and something I can latch onto: "You get past it by being open to other possibilities and interpretations of events." "Being open to" is something I can do. I don't have to change all my beliefs, just open the door for the possibility that I truly did the best I could for my husband. And being open to the idea of forgiving myself for being human and fallible. So I think about that now, when I start mentally rehashing all the bad stuff. It does help. 

[KayC]

26 minutes ago, Artemis2019 said:

I said to my therapist recently, "I don't how i can get past this awful feeling of guilt." Her response was simple and something I can latch onto: "You get past it by being open to other possibilities and interpretations of events." "Being open to" is something I can do. I don't have to change all my beliefs, just open the door for the possibility that I truly did the best I could for my husband. And being open to the idea of forgiving myself for being human and fallible. So I think about that now, when I start mentally rehashing all the bad stuff. It does help. 

That is good, I'm glad you're getting help from it.

[KeirKieran]

On 10/27/2019 at 4:22 PM, Artemis2019 said:

"You get past it by being open to other possibilities and interpretations of events."

I'll try this, too. I'm struggling with it, but you're right, it has a good base. Like KayC said, I pray she was happy with what we had. That she knew how special she was to me, even though I said so little.

[Ashley A]

On 10/20/2019 at 2:09 PM, Artemis2019 said:

I struggle with feelings of guilt for actions I took or didn't take, especially during the last few weeks of my husband's life. It's not a general guilt, like "could I have done more?" It's very specific- at certain moments I feel I should have said or done things differently. It is very hard to let go of this grief, because it is so specific, and because I can make a case that perhaps he would have had another few weeks if certain things had been done differently. I don't know how to get past this. My brain doesn't accept "you did the best you could." Yes, most of the time, I did do the best I could. But I think I could have done better in these moments. 

Hi Artemis.

I struggle with this on a daily basis. My fiance and i were arguing the two nights prior to his passing. The should have, could have, would have always comes to mind. Maybe if I didn't stress him out about our upcoming events he would still be here. Although we have yet to know for sure what really happened, it still eats at me everyday. I've started speaking to a therapist and she tells me to be kind to myself because no one saw this coming. That's probably the best thing anyone's told me, just be kind to yourself as you're already going through so much.

[KayC]

I even feel like that with my dog...he's been gone 10 1/2 weeks now and I'm not as hard on myself as I was at first, but I remember pulling him out of his doghouse to come in and eat and I regret that so much!  I cry when I think about how bad he felt with his cancer, I should have left him in peace and not tried so hard to get him to eat, just had him euthanized sooner if need be, but I was terrified of losing him and I knew when he quit eating it'd be the end.  Everything we did was from a good place but still we have regrets and guilt feelings.  We need to forgive ourselves, I know they have already.

[foreverhis]

45 minutes ago, KayC said:

I cry when I think about how bad he felt with his cancer, I should have left him in peace and not tried so hard to get him to eat, just had him euthanized sooner if need be, but I was terrified of losing him and I knew when he quit eating it'd be the end.

Well, obviously it's different, but my husband's last stay in the hospital, I nagged and pushed him to eat the special diet the doctors had to put him on.  I too knew that once he was no longer able to eat, all hope for a miracle would be gone.  The truth is that I should have let him just be because I selfishly, though with love, simply could not, would not consider that we wouldn't make it through this time.  And bless him, he kept humoring me and tried to be positive when he could.  I'd talk about the next treatment his specialists wanted to work toward and he'd say, "Let's do it," but his body and mind simply could not.  It wasn't that he gave up because he didn't, it was that I now believe he understood the truth, maybe felt something change, sooner than I did.

By the time we, that is I, admitted the truth, he had suffered too long.  I know that now.  Then?  All I could think was that I couldn't stand to lose the one essential of my life.  When we talked it over the last time, he was having trouble speaking clearly.  I asked, "Honey, do you want to go home?" (on hospice).  He said yes, so I said, "Okay, let's go home.  I'll arrange it now."  But it was the weekend and Monday was too late.  He never made it home.  Although early Monday morning they moved us into that beautiful private room with the lovely courtyard and fountain where it was peaceful and calm, he didn't get to take his last breath at home.  The one solace I have is that we had put him on comfort care the Friday before, so he was no longer in pain or hooked up to three IVs or being constantly fussed over by doctors and nurses. 

Later, I said to myself, "You selfish bitch.  All you thought about was what you couldn't stand to lose."  That's not true, of course.  I am certainly far from perfect, but I was thinking of him, I was working for his benefit, and I was praying for him (though those prayers usually included, "Please don't take him from me and our girls").  But I'm the one here, so I'm going to take the weight on my shoulders.  It's a heavy burden, but it is mine to bear because he was my soul mate, my love, and my everything.  I will say that it's a little lighter than it was a year ago.  Not much, but a little.

 

[Gail 8588]

I think most of us have this sort of guilt. 

Peace

Gail

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

How incredibly selfish I was, to torture him for 2 weeks, rather than letting him die in peace in his own bed.  

I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself.  I pray that he forgives me. 

You are not alone in feeling this way.  I am loathe to say things like, "I know how you feel," but I think this time I really, truly do know how you feel.  Or at least, I know how I feel and I don't think it's much different.  Right down to my husband humoring me by continuing to try even as it is clear on reflection that he knew it was hopeless.  That's how much he must have loved me and our girls.  He kept fighting even as his body failed him.

I cannot count the number of times I've said out loud when I'm talking to him, "Please, honey, please forgive me.  I'm so sorry for everything I didn't do right and for everything you suffered.  I need you to forgive me."

[Jttalways]

Reading all these posts made me ball my eyes out. I don’t know what causes more pain, the guilt or thinking about how much my poor husband suffered. After he passed I was allowed to spend a few hours with him before they took him away. My husband’s body was covered in bruises. Largely due to his low platelet count. They poked his arms more times than a pin cushion. They poked his veins so much that, due to scar tissue, they had to send their expert phlebotomists to draw his blood. Thinking of how much he suffered kills me. I also encouraged him to keep fighting, even though he was in constant pain. The day before my husband died fills me with the most guilt, grief, and regret. This day I try to put out of my mind the most. It was the last time I saw my husband conscious and I didn’t even get to hug or kiss him goodbye. 

[dailystruggle]

Thank all of you for this thread.  I've gone through a lot of aspects of this surreal landscape of grief, and the current one is guilt.  My husband fought head and neck cancer for 2 years.  Despite being slowly stripped of all the things he loved, he was always hopeful.  The part that haunts me is the last month.  Radiation from 2 years ago all of sudden eroded his ability to swallow and then to breathe.  First a feeding tube, then shortly after that a tracheotomy . His care was SOOO intense. The feeding tube wasn't bad, but every few hours the the trach needed care, and that made me so anxious to provide.  This was a scary new world.  I was chronically sleep deprived. I slept in a chair next to his bed.  He died at home.

 So, this is what haunts me--  I attended to him physically.  But I was SO exhausted, confused and overwhelmed that I didn't really attend to his emotional and spiritual needs. I was a zombie.  He must have felt so incredibly scared and alone, and I wasn't really able to help him with that.I had nothing left.  I so wish that I could have given that sweet man that last comfort and connection.  Again, this haunts me.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Well, obviously it's different, but my husband's last stay in the hospital, I nagged and pushed him to eat the special diet the doctors had to put him on.  I too knew that once he was no longer able to eat, all hope for a miracle would be gone.  The truth is that I should have let him just be because I selfishly, though with love, simply could not, would not consider that we wouldn't make it through this time.  And bless him, he kept humoring me and tried to be positive when he could.  I'd talk about the next treatment his specialists wanted to work toward and he'd say, "Let's do it," but his body and mind simply could not.  It wasn't that he gave up because he didn't, it was that I now believe he understood the truth, maybe felt something change, sooner than I did.

By the time we, that is I, admitted the truth, he had suffered too long.  I know that now.  Then?  All I could think was that I couldn't stand to lose the one essential of my life.  When we talked it over the last time, he was having trouble speaking clearly.  I asked, "Honey, do you want to go home?" (on hospice).  He said yes, so I said, "Okay, let's go home.  I'll arrange it now."  But it was the weekend and Monday was too late.  He never made it home.  Although early Monday morning they moved us into that beautiful private room with the lovely courtyard and fountain where it was peaceful and calm, he didn't get to take his last breath at home.  The one solace I have is that we had put him on comfort care the Friday before, so he was no longer in pain or hooked up to three IVs or being constantly fussed over by doctors and nurses. 

Later, I said to myself, "You selfish bitch.  All you thought about was what you couldn't stand to lose."  That's not true, of course.  I am certainly far from perfect, but I was thinking of him, I was working for his benefit, and I was praying for him (though those prayers usually included, "Please don't take him from me and our girls").  But I'm the one here, so I'm going to take the weight on my shoulders.  It's a heavy burden, but it is mine to bear because he was my soul mate, my love, and my everything.  I will say that it's a little lighter than it was a year ago.  Not much, but a little.

 

It does feel like the same emotions/thoughts I felt with Arlie's cancer/dying.  Damn it's hard!  But you aren't a selfish bitch.  We wanted them with us, yes, but we wanted them comfortable.  I don't think there's anything worse than watching someone you love (even if it's my Arlie in my case) die bit by bit.  There's no manual "how to do this", no one telling us what to do, how to handle this, we do our best.  And we keep going on their behalf, even when exhausted, scared, overwhelmed.  

We will never forget these days.  I hope and pray it does get easier, so far I'm not seeing it, but I trust you on it.  I know from that horrible last weekend of losing George, that the pain fades a bit in time, it shows how miraculous our bodies are that they can adjust to even this!  It seems unfathomable, but we do.  Thank God.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Jttalways said:

It was the last time I saw my husband conscious and I didn’t even get to hug or kiss him goodbye. 

I know, me too.  They physically threw me out and locked the door behind me when they were working on him.  I never saw him alive again.  I hope he knew it was beyond my control, that I didn't willingly leave him at the end.  It haunts me to this day.

But then I remember our love, how it was based on faith in each other and I have to keep that faith, just as he does.  We will be together again!

[KayC]

9 hours ago, dailystruggle said:

But I was SO exhausted, confused and overwhelmed that I didn't really attend to his emotional and spiritual needs. I was a zombie.  He must have felt so incredibly scared and alone, and I wasn't really able to help him with that.I had nothing left.  I so wish that I could have given that sweet man that last comfort and connection.  Again, this haunts me

You can't give beyond what we are humanly able to, as humans we have limits, physically, emotionally.  We can't help that, it's how we're made.  He knows that Hon.  You think he didn't realize all you were doing for him and how much you love him?  He did, when you think about it, you know he did.  (((hugs)))  We just all need to learn how to be understanding of ourselves, the way they would.

15 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I think most of us have this sort of guilt. I know I do.

Early in his stroke John could still speak, and he asked to go home to die in peace there, rather than in the hospital.  I didn't even consider the request, because I so desperately wanted him to recover. He never asked again.  He dutifully did everything  I asked of him. Procedure after procedure. Wracked with pain he tried to do all these exercises that were asked of him.  I kept encouraging him to cough, to clear his lungs of the blood clots that were killing him. With each cough causing incredible pain, with really no possibility of clearing his lungs.

How incredibly selfish I was, to torture him for 2 weeks, rather than letting him die in peace in his own bed.  

I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself.  I pray that he forgives me. 

Peace

Gail

You too, we all need to accept that we did our best, we loved them more than anything.  I don't think there's a one of us who doesn't look at things differently looking back and wish we were "more" but we were ALL to them, you can't get more than all.

[Jttalways]

20 hours ago, dailystruggle said:

But I was SO exhausted, confused and overwhelmed that I didn't really attend to his emotional and spiritual needs. I was a zombie.  He must have felt so incredibly scared and alone, and I wasn't really able to help him with that.I had nothing left.  I so wish that I could have given that sweet man that last comfort and connection.  Again, this haunts me.

Like Kay and everyone else has said, we’re only human. There were many times I was exhausted and tired that I look back on and I wish I had been a little more loving and tender. 2 weeks before my husband passed, our son injured his knee in a football game. It was not our son’s fault. The opposing team pushed his teammate into his knee. But my husband was furious, blamed our son and tore into him verbally. I defended our son which caused a huge fight. I regret that fight. My husband didn’t want to see or talk to me or our son for a week. He would kick us out of his hospital room when we came by. Thank god we made up that last week before he passed. Going thru what he was going thru, the last thing he wanted was our son being hurt in any kind of way. That’s why he reacted the way he did. He was going thru so much. That last week he was alive, I was cleaning his hands with a wash cloth, he smiled and said “I missed this. Finally you’re taking care of me.” I replied with a smile “yeah could have been like this, but someone wanted to be mad.” So much time was wasted that week he was mad, but at least I have that sweet moment. Thinking of that makes me smile. I barely saw him that day before he passed, the last day he was conscious. I went to work. My son had a doctor’s appointment for his knee that day. So I told my husband I would see him after our son’s appointment. When I got to his room they kicked me out because they were preparing him for transfer. As they wheeled him to the elevator I got a “hi love” from him. When we got to ICU, they kicked me out while they got him settled. When I got back to ICU he was unconscious and intubated. I thank god at least I got to speak to him that morning on FaceTime and that the last words I said to him was “I love you” and “see you soon.” Thinking about this day brings the most heartache. But I know my husband knew I gave him all I had. He thanked me many times and was so appreciative of me being there for him. Remembering this helps with the guilt.

[dailystruggle]

Kay and Jttalways,  Thank you. I don't know why it helps that good people have similar feelings and experiences, but it does.  Thank you for inching me along on my healing path.

Hugs to you both.

[SLW]

I haven’t told my story on this site yet. I’m not sure why. But, in a nutshell, my wife was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer in mid October 2016. After a stroke and more seizures than I can count, it was off to the hospital to find out she had severe brain bleed. Into ICU and then rehab. She was paralyzed on her whole right side. On Oct 13th the neurosurgeon said he was going in to relieve the swelling. He did that. But the pathologist saw the cancer mass underneath. ICU for 3 days and back to rehab.

We came home October 30th. Thus began the journey of fighting this crappy disease. The whole time I kept asking myself, what can I do to fix this? I have come to now realize there was nothing I could do. I still feel guilty. She passed on April 2nd 2019. I was her primary caregiver the whole time. Mentally and physically exhausted is an understatement. But I would have continued to care for her no matter what. I loved her more than life itself. I’m going through all the emotions daily. I read others stories, and don’t feel so alone. But the stories also break my heart.

We all did everything we could to keep our loved one happy, calm and comfortable. Human nature says we will always think it’s never enough. Day by day is the only way I get by. Sending positive vibes to you all. I hope everyone finds comfort and peace in their own time. 

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I don't think there's anything worse than watching someone you love (even if it's my Arlie in my case) die bit by bit.

I agree.  I don't think there is anything harder in the world.  And there's no "even if" with your precious Arlie.  You loved him and he loved you.  What could be more important in life than that?

 

3 hours ago, KayC said:

  I hope and pray it does get easier, so far I'm not seeing it, but I trust you on it. 

It is a tiny bit easier to bear now than it was last year.  But any time I see him in my mind's eye and remember some of the worst moments, the pain is as deep and raw as it was then.  Like everything in this grief, it's baby steps forward and back with times that are better than others. 

OTOH, there are also moments where my sweet man's old self shone through.  That last time in the hospital a couple of weeks before he died, he was still trying to do the physical therapy.  The doctors had added a prescription topical pain patch on his back right over the small lesions they'd found.  One day he was really tired and didn't want to sit up to have it changed so his nurses said it was okay for him to roll over onto his side.  I was standing by the bed as usual and he rolled toward me.  I could see the pain on his face, so I leaned over and said, "Hold on to me, love.  Just hold on to me."  I reached out my hands.  He grabbed my hand with one hand, but with his other reached right into the scoopneck top I was wearing (a fave of his) and grabbed...something else.  He looked at me with his special little grin and with his eyes laughing a little bit.  The nurses busted up.  I smiled and said, "Well, I told him to hold on to me."  I tell that story because it's a reminder that underneath everything that was going on with his body and mind, he was still there.  I even looked down at him, smiled, and said, "You're still there, aren't you?"  It's funny how such a memory can make me laugh and cry all at once.

 

[dailystruggle]

SLW, Thank you.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, SLW said:

Human nature says we will always think it’s never enough.

You took care of her, you did all you could.  But you're right, we are hardest on ourselves.

 

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

He looked at me with his special little grin and with his eyes laughing a little bit.

I'm glad you got that memory.   It gave me a smile.

@Jttalways  Your last day with your husband was similar to mine.  I envy those who got to stay by their sides through the last moments, I was deprived of that.

dailystruggle, thank you, I can take all the hugs I can get!

10 hours ago, Valerie Lockhart said:

God “will wipe out every tear from [our] eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore.”

I wish we didn't have such a wait for this day!

[Ashley A]

4 minutes ago, KayC said:

You took care of her, you did all you could.  But you're right, we are hardest on ourselves.

 

I'm glad you got that memory.   It gave me a smile.

@Jttalways  Your last day with your husband was similar to mine.  I envy those who got to stay by their sides through the last moments, I was deprived of that.

dailystruggle, thank you, I can take all the hugs I can get!

I wish we didn't have such a wait for this day!

I wish we didn't have to wait for that day as well. This world is so cruel and unfair & to have to navigate it without our person makes it that much harder.

[MODArtemis2019]

It makes me cry to read how hard people are on themselves (even though I do the same). When I read the stories here, I feel compassion for everyones struggles and human frailties. But it helped me to read your stories- because if I can feel compassion for others in my circumstance, why can't I extend the same compassion to myself? We should all ask ourselves that question. 

[KayC]

One of the exercises that has helped me is to think what I would tell a friend in this situation...and then tell it to myself.  We need to practice being our own best friend, now that our best friend has died.

[widower2]

On 10/30/2019 at 1:25 AM, dailystruggle said:

 So, this is what haunts me--  I attended to him physically.  But I was SO exhausted, confused and overwhelmed that I didn't really attend to his emotional and spiritual needs. I was a zombie.  He must have felt so incredibly scared and alone, and I wasn't really able to help him with that.I had nothing left.  I so wish that I could have given that sweet man that last comfort and connection.  Again, this haunts me.

I'm so sorry. You have all said things that hit home in various ways, but I think this one most of all. To a large extent I handled the whole thing horribly. I have no (valid) excuse, it seems it was a combination of stupidity and just too much for my weak-willed, selfish self to process. She even said at one point "don't be in denial" which I swore and believed I wasn't...but I was, holy #### I was. And I will always hate myself for it. The stupidity, the cowardice, the selfishness. I'm not saying I didn't do anything right; I think I did a lot between going with her to various consultations and treatments (cancer), getting meds, etc, and her family was basically little to no help. But overall I needed to be there for her in ways - not practical per se but emotional ways - I often wasn't. It wasn't intentional, but again there is simply no excuse. I wish to God someone had come up to me and (at least figuratively, maybe literally) smacked me upside the head and ripped me good, given me a clue. I think it would have done wonders to wake me up, because I was so totally clueless. But of course that's not how it works. 

I guess, dailystruggle and others, I'm just saying don't think you can claim the Jerkface championship trophy so easily because I have as legit a claim as anyone and move over. I wish you the best in dealing with being far too human and accepting that that is part of it and forgiving yourself...yet knowing realistically I never can. 

 

[Jttalways]

At the time I thought I was being positive, but I now realize that a lot was denial. I was trying to fool myself, even though deep down I knew my husband’s cancer was extremely difficult to cure. I did feel I was doing everything I could, but there were many times I was tired of being at the hospital. There were a few times I did make excuses to stay home because I was so tired. Mentally, spiritually, & physically. Sometimes I felt I couldn’t be as emotionally supportive as I wanted to because I was just trying to hold it together. I was spread so thin. And I have guilt! I have guilt that I try to hide in the corner of my mind. All that “could have should have” done more guilt. Especially the day before my husband passed. I replay it over and over in my mind. I just have to remind myself that at the end of the day, we’re all human. I did what I could. 

[dailystruggle]

Widower2 and Jttalways, thank you both.  Bottom line, I guess we did the best we could. We needed caretakers for ourselves, I guess. Yes, jttlalways, we were spread so very thin. Actually, I still feel that way.  It's been 4 months and it already feels that I've lived a lifetime without him.

[foreverhis]

On 11/13/2019 at 9:06 PM, Jttalways said:

At the time I thought I was being positive, but I now realize that a lot was denial. I was trying to fool myself, even though deep down I knew my husband’s cancer was extremely difficult to cure.

Yes, I think I was too.  But we had already made it through his prostate cancer 14 years earlier, as well as learning to live with long-term, non life threatening, health conditions for both of us.  Actually, the mild radiation therapy he had as part of that treatment may have been what caused his bladder cancer.  OTOH, if he hadn't had the radiation therapy, we might not have had those 14 years. 

I simply could not, would not accept that he and we wouldn't make it through again.  I'm well aware that part of that was entirely selfish on my part.  I know I should have just let him stop fighting sooner so he wouldn't have had such a difficult time at the end.  Still, when I told him I would change places with him in a heartbeat to spare him the fear and pain, I meant it.  You never fully realize just how tightly bound you are to your love until you're right there and realize you would do anything, pay anything, sacrifice anything to have him be healthy again.  But my inability to accept that was where I was selfish.  I couldn't lose him, so he kept fighting for me and our girls longer than we should have expected.  He felt he had let me down.  Of course he didn't; he did nothing wrong

 

21 hours ago, dailystruggle said:

We needed caretakers for ourselves, I guess.

It's been 4 months and it already feels that I've lived a lifetime without him.

Yes, I sure could have used some help, especially because none of our family lives locally.  But I don't know how much difference it would have made because he wanted me, not someone else.  But it would have been good to have someone I trust here with us so that maybe I could have been more mentally and physically rested from time to time.  Would I have made better decisions?  I don't know.  Would I have reacted better when things got bad?  I don't know that either.  We were kind of used to being "You and me against the world" in our lives.  I just wish I had been better at that part of our life together.  Maybe he would have died sooner, but maybe he wouldn't have suffered as much.  I'll never know what choices I made, what I did or didn't do sooner or later, that might have made a difference.  I ask myself if he would have lived had I been a better wife.  The guilt over that is what haunts me every day.  I'd tell a close friend to be easier on herself, but still haven't found that compassion for myself

It's been nearly 16 months for me.  Some days it feels as if I just lost him yesterday.  Other days our 35 years together seem like a distant dream, ending with a nightmare.  It's a strange sort of purgatory we survivors live in, I think.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I simply could not, would not accept that he and we wouldn't make it through again.  I'm well aware that part of that was entirely selfish on my part.  I know I should have just let him stop fighting sooner so he wouldn't have had such a difficult time at the end.  Still, when I told him I would change places with him in a heartbeat to spare him the fear and pain, I meant it.  You never fully realize just how tightly bound you are to your love until you're right there and realize you would do anything, pay anything, sacrifice anything to have him be healthy again.

Oh what we have to work through in this thing called grief.  You love him more than anything in the world, that's what it boils down to for each of us, so I wonder why we put ourselves through this wracking torment of self-reprisals?  We are the best...they are the best, no doubt about it.

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It's been nearly 16 months for me.  Some days it feels as if I just lost him yesterday.  Other days our 35 years together seem like a distant dream, ending with a nightmare.  It's a strange sort of purgatory we survivors live in, I think.

It's weird how after losing them life seems like it's in a time warp...in the beginning only a few days pass and yet it feels a lifetime.  Now it feels like our life together was something I dreamed.

[Rhonda R]

On ‎11‎/‎13‎/‎2019 at 11:06 PM, Jttalways said:

At the time I thought I was being positive, but I now realize that a lot was denial. I was trying to fool myself, even though deep down I knew my husband’s cancer was extremely difficult to cure

I  failed at this.  I was so focused on the medical part of it and trying to get him better, I think I forgot to stop and just BE with him.  Even when they told me he was dying, I refused to accept it.  I didn't want him to know how devastated I was at the thought of life without him, again only thinking of myself.  I can't imagine how scared he was.  Why did I wait for him to bring it up, why didn't I? 

[foreverhis]

On 11/21/2019 at 8:18 AM, Rhonda R said:

I  failed at this.  I was so focused on the medical part of it and trying to get him better, I think I forgot to stop and just BE with him.  Even when they told me he was dying, I refused to accept it. 

You are not alone in this.  I am walking this part of the journey right next to you.

One night toward the end, I got jarred into reality.  I was sleeping in a recliner next to him at the hospital.  I woke up often every night when I was there.  To help the nurses, to check on him, etc.  I went over to him and saw that once again he was lying awake, staring at the ceiling.  I looked at his face and asked, "Honey, are you trying not to sleep at night because you're afraid you won't wake up?"  He said he was.  That was such a huge slap to my heart.  I realized right then how much he was suffering not wanting to leave us, but somehow knowing deep inside that he had lost his fight.  The next day, I stopped fighting the idea of hospice as a "giving up," and started trying to think of it as a transition for him.  Of course, we didn't know at that time that it was already too late for him to even come home.  Or maybe, he somehow knew, but was more at peace when I took him off regular care and put him on comfort care while we made arrangements with hospice to bring him home the next Monday (it was Friday afternoon by then).

To be honest, I was nearly hysterical when it became clear that he didn't have long.  I very nearly forced him back onto regular care "just in case" he might improve.  I didn't, but it was a hard fight between my head and my heart.

I don't think any of us can ever believe we did "enough" or did it "right" or anything like that.  It's the nature of real love to look back and wish we were better at all of it.

 

[KayC]

On 11/21/2019 at 8:18 AM, Rhonda R said:

I  failed at this.  I was so focused on the medical part of it and trying to get him better, I think I forgot to stop and just BE with him.  Even when they told me he was dying, I refused to accept it.  I didn't want him to know how devastated I was at the thought of life without him, again only thinking of myself.  I can't imagine how scared he was.  Why did I wait for him to bring it up, why didn't I? 

This is good discussion.  I don't see that you "failed at this."  You gave him your all.  But gosh, I go through these same thoughts even about my dog dying of cancer!  You gave your husband your best, you couldn't see the future or when he would die, you wanted so much for him to make it through this.  I wish the same thing with my dog, that I had just been more in tune with his feelings and what he was going through than trying to get him to eat and thus possibly save me one more day with him.  I feel so selfish and thoughtless!  I honestly think this is how we all feel when we've lost someone who has our heart.

23 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I stopped fighting the idea of hospice as a "giving up," and started trying to think of it as a transition for him.

Bless your heart.

[Rhonda R]

On ‎11‎/‎21‎/‎2019 at 11:22 AM, foreverhis said:

I was nearly hysterical when it became clear that he didn't have long.  I very nearly forced him back onto regular care "just in case" he might improve.  I didn't, but it was a hard fight between my head and my heart.

I remember going to the doctor for the last treatment change (with cancer there are many options and many changes) and the doctor giving him a choice between two treatments.  One was super aggressive and the other had a chance of working with less side effects.  I wanted him to do the more aggressive treatment, I was selfish.  I remember when the doctor gave him the options he looked at me and it took everything in me to say, I'll support you no matter what you decide.  He picked the drug with less side effects, he was so tired of feeling so bad.  I was disappointed.  I wish I could have done it for him or gave him my strength.  I wish we had done it from the beginning when he had the strength.  I wish I knew then what I know now. 

[Jttalways]

On 11/21/2019 at 9:22 AM, foreverhis said:

You are not alone in this.  I am walking this part of the journey right next to you.

One night toward the end, I got jarred into reality.  I was sleeping in a recliner next to him at the hospital.  I woke up often every night when I was there.  To help the nurses, to check on him, etc.  I went over to him and saw that once again he was lying awake, staring at the ceiling.  I looked at his face and asked, "Honey, are you trying not to sleep at night because you're afraid you won't wake up?"  He said he was.  That was such a huge slap to my heart. 

 

This broke my heart. Your husband was so brave. I think of how utterly hopeless and scared my husband must have felt, yet he continued to put on a brave face and tried to stay positive. He fought so incredibly hard, not just for himself, but for our son and I. I think of the nights he spent alone at the hospital. Did he feel alone? Was he scared? He was scared the day before he died. As they wheeled him towards ICU, I could see it on his face. This crushes me every time I think about it and is 1 of the main reasons why I try not to think of that day. I keep coming back to this website because we understand each other’s pain, we all went thru similar situations.

[foreverhis]

12 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

I remember going to the doctor for the last treatment change (with cancer there are many options and many changes) and the doctor giving him a choice between two treatments

That's one of the hardest things, isn't it?  Knowing that for most cancers there are so many options and few of them good.  It's overwhelming, just at a time when we don't need to deal with that many choices.  I cannot watch any of the commercials and PSAs about new treatments like the biologics and immunotherapies, etc.  It makes me so angry.  I fear that if they announce a cure for bladder cancer next year that I'll throw something at the TV--but I can't afford a new one, so I guess not.

 

12 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

I remember when the doctor gave him the options he looked at me and it took everything in me to say, I'll support you no matter what you decide. 

One of my guilts/regrets is that I didn't push him harder to do things sooner or differently, that I didn't force the doctors to take his change in symptoms seriously sooner, and on and on.  Sometimes when I mention it to my SIL, she will remind me that my love was an intelligent, strong, stubborn adult man with a mind of his own.  Oh boy was he!  But still I tell myself that I could somehow have made him do things differently, even though it might not, likely would not, have made the slightest difference.

The person I had to "argue" with about his choices was actually our daughter.  She had her own opinions, of course.  A couple of times she wanted me to intervene and try to make her precious dad do what she wanted.  I told her (and anyone else, if necessary) that I would always and in everything be 100% on his side, that I would support his decisions, even if I wasn't completely onboard with them.  I told her she needed to understand that my loyalty was with him, even over her.  She came around, though she wasn't thrilled about it. 

God, this is so hard.  The past few weeks have been particularly difficult for some reason.  It's definitely been "one step forward, two steps back" lately.  Just what I need right before I go visit family and friends where everyone will all be together for the first time since my love died.  Hm, maybe that is part of why I've been struggling so much.  Sigh.

[MODArtemis2019]

On 11/21/2019 at 11:18 AM, Rhonda R said:

I  failed at this.  I was so focused on the medical part of it and trying to get him better, I think I forgot to stop and just BE with him.  Even when they told me he was dying, I refused to accept it.  I didn't want him to know how devastated I was at the thought of life without him, again only thinking of myself.  I can't imagine how scared he was.  Why did I wait for him to bring it up, why didn't I? 

I feel this too, about the last few days.  My husband and I had talked about his death when he wasn't deathly ill. But in the last few days, when he was home, I regret so much that I didn't just sit with him hold his hand and say, How are you feeling? What are you thinking? Are you scared? Instead, I was in full nursing mode: Trying to get him to eat and drink and take his meds. But the thing is, I didn't know how short the time would be. I thought he had weeks when he came home. but it was less than three days. I think now he knew more than I did what was happening, but I didn't give him a chance to talk about it. And as long as he didn't say he was ready, then I was fighting for him. He never was ready to go, but his disease overcame him. 

[KayC]

Artemis, my husband died of a heart attack but my dog, cancer...I can relate to this quote so much on my journey through cancer with him...I wish I'd just let him be instead of trying to get him to eat, I was so afraid of losing him!  But of course I lost him anyway.  It's weird how this is what stays with us, why can't we think of the good things we did for them instead of the one way in which we feel we failed?  I wish we could be kinder to ourselves. 

 

[Rhonda R]

On ‎11‎/‎23‎/‎2019 at 8:35 AM, Artemis2019 said:

I didn't know how short the time would be. I thought he had weeks when he came home. but it was less than three days.

I think a part of me was in shock about how fast it was moving.  On top of that, someone was always there it seemed.  He was so agitated when he was awake that they kept him sedated quite a bit.  It was what he wanted.  My sister asked him if he was scared when I was out of the room and he said yes.  She told him I would be there every second.  Maybe he didn't want me to know how scared he really was.  He always made comments that he had put me through enough and it was harder on me than it was on him.  All painful memories. 

[Jttalways]

The past 2 days I’ve been trying not to think about my husband. At first I was doing it unknowingly. I guess it was my body’s auto defense mechanism kicking in. With thanksgiving coming up, it is extremely painful to think about my husband. I’m trying to keep it together. This time last year he was out of the hospital and was so incredibly happy. I am extremely grateful that the last Thanksgiving and Xmas we spent together was not in a damn hospital room. I’m not surprised that I’m trying to stay preoccupied and trying not to think about it.  Did anyone else experience this during the holidays? 

[Rhonda R]

I haven't tried not to think of him, I've kept myself so busy, I don't have time to think about anything.  I have been working an average of 55 hours a week along with driving 1.5 hours a day.  I worked my regular job during the week and then I would waitress/bartend on the weekends.  When I wasn't working, I was sitting on the couch watching some mindless show to keep my mind off everything else.  I had no energy to do anything. My regular job is at the prison and my second job is waitressing and bar tending at a little place that does an unbelievable business.  I'm talking 18000 steps in a six hour shift.  After a year and a half of that and watching my own mental health decline, I'm finally cutting back.  I started to read some books on grief and I've joined a gym and started working out every other day.  It has helped with my energy.  I think I gave all my energy to my second job so that when I came home, I was too exhausted to do anything.  It served it's purpose and got me through the first year and half but now I find I'm worn out and I need to take some time to just grieve.  I tried reading early on in my grief and that didn't work because I was still too raw to imagine any healing that they were talking about in the books.  I did just finish Companion Through the Darkness and although it had some good points, the end was stupid in my opinion.  She talks about Divorcing Death and putting love on a shelf so to speak to move on to another relationship.  So, reading can be a good thing or it can, for lack of a better way of putting this, totally piss you off.  I'm now on to It's Okay That You Are Not Okay.  Hoping for better. 

I'll be thinking about all of you over Thanksgiving whether this is your 1st or your 16th.  Holidays are never the same without them but I'm going to take this opportunity to spend some time visitng with family without the rush of it all.  I will be thinking about my mom who has been gone 20 years and Randy, throughout the entire day and holding them close to me, as always. 

[KayC]

https://www.refugeingrief.com/2018/12/11/dealing-with-grief-during-the-holidays/
https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/8338-articles-worth-reading/?page=23&tab=comments#comment-143268
http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/9038-tips-for-handling-the-holidays/&
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/getting-through-the-holidays-when-you-are-newly-bereaved_b_582c7767e4b0466f4579334f

[Jttalways]

I’m feeling extra guilty today. When my husband was first diagnosed, I spent all day and night with him in the hospital for 3 months straight. After that I would go home to sleep, with the exception of ICU stays. My husband always wanted me to spend the night with him at the hospital, but I hated spending the night there. The I.V. was always beeping, the nurses and lab people were always coming and going. The last couple of months he was hospitalized, I would sometimes sleep over on Friday nights and he would be so happy. I can see his face smiling. That was all he wanted, for me to sleep there with him. I’m such a selfish bitch. I should have spent more nights with him, I should have been with him more. I used our son as an excuse, I would say it wasn’t good for him to be alone all day and all night, but the truth is, I didn’t want to sleep there because I couldn’t sleep good and it wasn’t comfortable for me. My husband was suffering so much, he was constantly uncomfortable, and all I cared about was getting a good night’s sleep.