Sometimes I feel like I'm having a realtionship with the past

[KayC]

11 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Should he have not gotten the mild radiation follow up to surgery because it was the likely cause of his second cancer?

I had radiation therapy as a child...I had the worst case of poison oak my doctor had ever seen barring one who died from it.  Yet I never got cancer.  My dad went through radiation for skin cancers all over his back...the stress of it brought on the heart attack that killed him.  It seems we can't win.  I think your husband made the right choice, it afforded him 14 more years with you and we can't always predict with certainty what will happen.  It seems one lucks out and another doesn't.

11 hours ago, foreverhis said:

"Did you know that's usually caused by smoking and drinking?" 

I sure don't know why someone would say that to you, makes no sense.  i think some people don't think before they speak.

[Rhonda R]

People said the same things to my husband, the main cause is smoking.  My husband never smoked a day in his life.  At the age of 32, my husband was diagnosed with pre cancerous cells in one of his testicles (I don't know why but I typed that and back spaced like 15 times.  We are all adults here I guess).  At the age of 52 he was diagnosed with kidney cancer.  When finally found, the tumor was the size of a softball and they believed it had been growing for years.  Upon finding out, I immediately contacted the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota and we went there for a second opinion on treatment options.  The top kidney surgeon at the Mayo offered to remove the tumor the following day and Randy refused.  I begged him on the way home and he still wouldn't do it.  We lived 2.5 hours from the Mayo and he wanted to have his surgery near our home at the St. Cloud Hospital.  Had he had it at the Mayo, they would have done his follow-up.  Instead, the St. Cloud Hospital did his follow-up.  A year after the initial surgery there was a spot on the lung that St. Cloud Hospital biopsied and told us it was nothing.  He continued his routine follow-ups and two years later, another spot on the remaining kidney.  I insisted we go to the Mayo and he listened this time.  We found out the spot on the lung was cancer and had been missed by the St. Cloud Hospital. The tiny spot from two years ago was now growing fingers.  It was all down hill from there.  I can't tell you how angry I was at Randy for not listening to me in the first place.  I truly believe had he gone to the Mayo in the first place, the outcome would have been different.  I never said anything, or showed my anger to him about that situation.  I'm mad at myself for not having a tantrum and making him have the surgery at Mayo.  I know he wanted to be close to his kids, who lived 20 minutes from the St. Cloud Hospital.  They had pretty much disowned him after he left their mother and I think he was hoping that his having cancer would bring them around.  It didn't.  They never came to see him, never called, sent flowers....nothing.  He did have contact with them after this initial surgery, off and on, on their terms.  He told me, it was something he didn't know if he could ever forgive.   I can't help but wonder how different things might have been had he made a different choice initially.  You have one of the best hospitals 2.5 hours away from you.  You have the top kidney surgeon there willing to do the surgery the next day....you turn him down.  Why?  I just realized that I'm still mad at him about that.  Wow. 

[Jttalways]

13 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Should he have not gotten the mild radiation follow up to surgery because it was the likely cause of his second cancer?  Should we have rolled the dice and maybe or maybe not have had those 14 years?  

I have thoughts like this ALL THE TIME. My husband had MPAL leukemia, meaning he had AML & ALL cells. The doctors treated him with AML chemo. But i've been researching online and it says people with MPAL usually respond better to ALL chemo. So i'm questioning now would my husband still be here if they gave him ALL chemo instead? I also feel like my husband could have been saved the day he died. His kidneys were shutting down and the doctor wouldn't do dialysis because his blood counts were too low to insert a catheter, and he wouldn't give my husband Lasix to help flush his kidneys because his blood pressure was too low. I felt they should have at least tried to do either of those. He died anyways, might have at least died trying! He was only 35, not like he was in his 80s. We put our lives in professionals hands, we trust the doctors to make the right decisions. 

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I sure don't know why someone would say that to you, makes no sense.  i think some people don't think before they speak.

Yeah, I thought it was weird too.  Later I figured that they didn't know how to react after the initial, "Oh no." or "I'm sorry to hear that." and blurted out medical facts that came to mind.

When my husband apologized to me for "getting so sick," I had to remind him that it was not his fault and give him that mantra.  Every time he'd have his PSA taken and it would come back "undetectable," we'd breath a sigh of relief.  The prostate cancer surgery and treatment changed how we viewed the future and how we lived our life together somewhat, but we had those years and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

 

[Jttalways]

On 11/20/2019 at 8:20 AM, Rhonda R said:

I can't help but wonder how different things might have been had he made a different choice initially.  You have one of the best hospitals 2.5 hours away from you.  You have the top kidney surgeon there willing to do the surgery the next day....you turn him down.  Why?  I just realized that I'm still mad at him about that.  Wow. 

This is so heartbreaking to read. It hits so close to home. I am sure for everyone there will always be thoughts and regrets like these. This time last year my husband could have had the bone marrow transplant. The BMT doctor wanted to do it around the end of November, beginning of December. But my husband was so tired. He had just gotten out of the hospital after having spent almost 9 months in there getting chemo. He was exhausted and he wanted a break. He wanted to enjoy the holidays with us. And he did! This holiday season is extremely hard because this time last year, we were together and we were so happy. My husband was so happy. So my husband scheduled the BMT for the middle of January, but his leukemia was back the first week of January. After that he was never in remission long enough to get the BMT. I wish I had pushed my husband to get the BMT last year. But he wanted to wait. I remember looking at him and he just looked so tired. So I didnt push. I wonder all the time, if he had gotten the BMT this time last year, would he still be here? Or was it a blessing that we got to spend his last Thanksgiving and Xmas out of the hospital? Would the BMT have shortened the amount of time he had or extended it? This is the biggest regret I have. The BMT was his last hope and he didnt get to give it a try.

[KayC]

Oh Rhonda, I totally understand your anger, you have every right to feel the way you do.  My heart is broken for you.  And he was hoping his kids would come around. 

I had precancerous polyps in both of my Colonoscopies...enough to scare me into having the follow up colonoscopies much as I hate them.  My husband feared dying of a heart attack, that's what he got...I fear cancer, I pray to God I don't get it!  I've feared and hated it since going through it with my sweet MIL who was my best friend back then and the mom I'd always wanted.  I knew 1,000 people couldn't fill her shoes and yet this stoic lady suffered to death, bit by bit.  It brings tears to my eyes even now, 32 years later.

On 11/20/2019 at 8:23 AM, Jttalways said:

So i'm questioning now would my husband still be here if they gave him ALL chemo instead?

I think it's natural for us to question.  I question whether my George would be here still had the doctor referred him to a cardiologist instead of poo-pooing his concerns.  My heart breaks for you, only 35, it's so wrong that they just let him die instead of TRYING something!

23 hours ago, Jttalways said:

we were together and we were so happy.

This is what I don't understand.  My daughter was 34 when she lost her second baby (miscarriage)...her husband left her soon after.  She struggled to keep the apt. but she did it and then he went back while she had the flu and wasn't able to keep him from doing so w/o the marriage work beforehand.  He got himself back on the lease and THEN told her he was done with her.  2 1/2 years later he's still there and dating and she can't get him out.  (she can't afford to move as this apt. is a good price and SHE is the one that found it and kept it!)  All she does is work and her dreams won't be realized.  Why does this  scumbag get to live when you guys were so happy together and your husband died?!  I don't get it!  A lot of questions need answered when I get up there! 

 

23 hours ago, Jttalways said:

This is the biggest regret I have. The BMT was his last hope and he didnt get to give it a try.

So sad, we'll never have the answers we wish for. 

[Jttalways]

@KayC I am also terrified of getting cancer. I had a dream I had a lump in my leg that was cancerous and I woke up so relieved it was just a dream. Good for you for getting those check ups, even though they are so uncomfortable. Your poor MIL and your dog. F cancer! I wouldn’t wish cancer on my worst enemy. Also, I feel so bad for your daughter. Ugh, there are so many dirt balls out there that take advantage of good women! I hope her situation improves in the future. I had a dream last night I was with my husband and I was so happy to see him. I was telling him about all the things he’s missed when he asked me “why didn’t you tell me I died?” I paused and couldn’t answer. He said “I saw my brother’s Facebook post. I saw myself in the coffin.” He started crying and I tried to comfort him. It was horrible.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Jttalways said:

He started crying and I tried to comfort him. It was horrible.

What a horrid dream!  I'm so sorry. 

My daughter has been in love with her husband for 19 years, they've been married ten years...he changed when he started drinking, after he took his current job.  Sometimes I wish he could just go back in time when he was a manager at McDonald's.  She didn't know he was an alcoholic when she married him because he hadn't yet started drinking.   Seems so unfair that the good ones die and the others live on to torture their spouse.