Sometimes I feel like I'm having a realtionship with the past

[Rhonda R]

I know my husband loved me.  The last words he said to me were that he would love me into eternity.  I often have to remind myself of that.  It's been 16 months since he passed away and it's hard to have a relationship with someone who is no longer here to reaffirm their love for you.  I'm just as much in love with him as the day he died but it feels like his love for me is fading...if that makes any sense?  I cling so hard to the past that it's actually making it harder for me to move forward.  Even so, I don't want to let go of it.  I know he didn't leave me on purpose and if he could still be here, he would.  When I say move forward, I'm not talking about a new relationship or anything like that, I'm talking about getting things done around my house.  I've been telling myself every day that I am going to clean his car and sell it and for five months, I haven't done it.  I know it makes sense, I don't want it to just sit in my driveway.  It has literally taken me baby steps along the way to even get to this point.  Finding the energy to do things just feels like such a struggle. 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Rhonda R said:

I know it makes sense

Alas, grief is anything but practical.  It knocks us for a loop and sidetracks us, shattering our world and we are made to feel we just need to pick up the pieces and keep going.  Easier said than done.  I'e heard it said time and again, (grief) "it takes what it takes."  And that is true.  Unless you are financially strapped and NEED to sell the car this minute, try not to pressure yourself.  It's hard, it feels like a part of him.  I had to sell George's car to get out from under the payments, I was financially shattered by his death and hospital bills, but I had a friend sell it for me, he lived in the city where it'd get more notice, he even detailed it, took them for test drives, he did a great job.  Is there someone you know who would be willing to do that for you?  

Baby steps is all we can handle. Very few tackle this like pros.  Thank God we are NOT "pros" at this!

[Rhonda R]

You know how when your spouse dies people say, give me a call, I'll help you with whatever you need?  Yeah, that isn't always so.  Sometimes I think the offer is for the next 30 days.  I didn't know what I needed 30 days out.  My daughter was home from college and I suggested she do it for me and her response was "No, I wouldn't do it good enough."  How do you know?  That's just her way of saying she doesn't want to do it.  It's time to sell it.  It needs to be driven.  I bought the tabs, got the oil changed, and bought the stuff to clean it.  Now I just need to get it done.  People have their own lives to take care of and I guess I get that too.  I mean, it's not like I pay 1/3 of her rent and utilities or car insurance while she's in college.  It's not like I saved my butt off and paid for her first year of college.  Yes, I'm a little bitter. 

[KayC]

Well anyone that made the empty offer, I'd call them and take them up on it!  If they didn't mean it, now's the time for them to own up to it!   I call a spade a spade!  I don't blame you for feeling as you do, I know a lot of people say things they don't mean and they have no idea how it feels to be a widow dealing with all this.  My friend from work (sat across the cubicle from me) meant it though and I knew it.  I gave him George's trailer as a thank you.

[fzald]

The sad truth is that so many of those statements are just automatic, expected statements. Very much how like when someone asks "How are you?" We almost automatically respond with "Good, you?" Rarely will anyone ever say "Honestly, I'm having a terrible day." And if you do, it's considered socially awkward at best.

When my GF passed away, everyone I met gave me that line "call me if you need anything." And for a short time, people were there for me. People would let me talk about our memories ad nauseum. People would hug me, invite me out for dinner, offer their own stories of her, etc.

But after a month or so, that all started to fall away. By then, only my family and my closest friends who not only really knew my GF well but also were quite close to her as friends were still there for me. I crashed at friends' houses when I couldn't bear to be alone for the evening. I talked my family's ears off for another few months. But all of the rest? If I mentioned my GF, they'd sort of shake their heads sadly, make a remark about how it's such a tragedy, and then move on with the previous conversation. Very obviously not as emotionally interested anymore.

And now that I'm grieving again, almost three years later, I have even less support. My two best friends have been invaluable, letting me talk through this stuff out loud and repeat myself over and over as I try to work through my emotions and feelings. But I also feel a little guilty, taking up so much of their time to basically rehash the same feelings over and over. My family is of the mindset that "she passed three years ago, I know it's hard but by now you should just be able to try to keep busy and distract yourself." Nobody can truly understand grief unless they've had to experience it. I'm glad that most of my friends have never had to lose a relationship partner to death. But at the same time, it means most of them cannot understand the level of anguish it causes. My two friends who are supportive have themselves both lost partners to death, which is probably a big part of why they're so understanding and supportive - they've been there. But outside of this, it's something that's hard to comprehend, and for all of us suffering together, we can almost all say we would never wish this pain even on an enemy. This is actual torture. It never lets go. Physical torture causes pain while it's happening and maybe residual pain from the after-effects, but grief never lets go. It stays with you forever. It's always ready to jump up and rear its ugly head. 

And it's not fair. 

[foreverhis]

On 10/17/2019 at 8:37 AM, Rhonda R said:

People have their own lives to take care of and I guess I get that too.  I mean, it's not like I pay 1/3 of her rent and utilities or car insurance while she's in college.  It's not like I saved my butt off and paid for her first year of college.  Yes, I'm a little bitter. 

 

There's not a thing wrong with telling her how you feel and that it is her turn to help you right now.  You might want to write it all down and kind of rehearse it so that your emotions, which are already fragile, don't run away with you.  But please don't hold in how upset you are.  I don't think that is healthy for us in the long run.

Sometimes even the people who are closest to us let us down.  it's okay to let them know it.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, fzald said:

I know it's hard but by now you should...

Only there are no "shoulds" in grief.  No "one size fits all," no "set time," no moving on from.  Grief is with us.  It'll change over the course of our lifetime, it's have it's ups and downs, it'll dump on us, but it's our steady companion to some degree or another.  It's with us for good, our companion.

If one has two good friends sticking with them through thick and thin, they are rich indeed.  All of my "friends" disappeared.  So did George's family and friends.  Thankfully my family is there but none of them have been through it so cannot begin to understand.  They cannot be in my shoes even in their wildest imaginations.

But they haven't left, so that means something...they don't live here so there's just phone calls, but it helps.  I hope your friends continue to listen and care.

Have you thought about a grief support group?  Others going through this with us understand, they've been there, they ARE there.

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Only there are no "shoulds" in grief.  No "one size fits all," no "set time," no moving on from.  Grief is with us.  It'll change over the course of our lifetime, it's have it's ups and downs, it'll dump on us, but it's our steady companion to some degree or another.  It's with us for good, our companion.

Absolutely something we have to remind ourselves of over and over, as necessary.  Thank you for that.

2 hours ago, KayC said:

If one has two good friends sticking with them through thick and thin, they are rich indeed. ...

Thankfully my family is there but none of them have been through it so cannot begin to understand.  They cannot be in my shoes even in their wildest imaginations.

I do not forget for a minute that I am rich in that regard.  More than rich, I suppose, because I have my tiny circle of friends and family who have stuck by me, who don't get angry when I can't bring myself to call or email for weeks at a time.  We've been through good and bad and everything in between for decades.  Then I have my newer circle here in our neighborhood block.  We'd all been getting to know each other more, thanks to our across the street neighbors starting to have block parties about 5 years ago now.  But during my husband's illness, some started to reach out by bringing food and little things like that.  After my love died, I was basically a hermit for several months, except for seeing a few family and our across the street neighbors who helped with all kinds of things.  Then this little group (gang? posse?) really started wanting to be here for me.  Now we have a small group of middle-aged people with similar backgrounds and many interests in common who spend a good deal of time together.  We joke about "travel time" because it takes 1 to 2 minute of walking to get to all our homes.  I have people I can call on day or night.  It helps and, honestly, was unexpected.

But you're so right that even the people closest to us cannot understand.  I don't want them to be able to understand.  Two friends understand more because they lost their daughter at birth many years ago.  They know that grief is not a finite condition, but chronic.  And they gently, kindly encourage me to talk about my love.  They also gently and without pushing nudged me out of the house a bit more often.

Still, I spend days alone.  I cry every day, sometimes little tears and sometimes big wracking sobs.  I talk to my love every day.  These are things that I know are a permanent part of my life now.  I am deeply connected to my husband forever and I miss him more than any words can express.  Coming here, I know I don't have to try to find words.  That has almost literally been a life saver for me.

[KayC]

All of our friends, even his family, disappeared on me, right after the funeral, my two best friends didn't even come to that.  I had to start over, building new friendships.  It was hard, it meant getting out of myself, putting myself out there, just as I felt most vulnerable, but it has paid off.  It took me years, but I've built a life for myself, a friendship network.  Just as you've seen your neighborhood developing block parties, people reaching out, building friendships.  The Bible uses a term, "precept upon precept" and I've thought of that often, that's kind of how things are built, stone upon stone, effort upon effort, bit by bit.  If we continue working at it, changes are made.

[JES]

@Rhonda R  I so understand about finding it so hard to "get things done" that need to be done. At 13 months I struggle also. I still have a pontoon boat in storage, since 2017. I know I need to sell it but couldnt get up the energy to do it. So it needs to be shrinkwrapped again as its been 2 yrs. and storage fees for another winter. Uggg.....I could use that money in better ways.  And have peace of mind. I finally got titles for vehicles in my name, took me a year.  But finally my list is getting smaller, still not done but Ive learned to just feel good if I can accomplish one important thing. Its progress...you will do it!!  I have good family but know I need to do these things on my own now..I try to be as independent as I can be. I think it helps improve our confidence that we have lost....  You may be surprised after you have done it, that it really wasnt so hard.  Us worrying over it is really the hardest part...   I do think others should help when we need it..but seems like in this world now, no one has time..its all about me, me, me.  Different than when I grew up,  people were there for others more. Sad but true...for the most part anyways.  Praying for you to have strength to do it so your mind can rest easy!!  Hugs..Jeanne

[KayC]

Jeannie,

You are right, it does build confidence, and facing it as a daunting task is hardest of all.  It helps to break things down into smaller chunks, and tackle them, little by little, get help for what you need help with.

[Rhonda R]

On ‎10‎/‎17‎/‎2019 at 10:21 AM, KayC said:

Alas, grief is anything but practical.  It knocks us for a loop and sidetracks us, shattering our world and we are made to feel we just need to pick up the pieces and keep going.

Isn't this this truth.  I can have three really good days where I feel I can start making progress and I go sit out in his car and it still smells like him.  I take three steps back.  But I've done that enough times that it is finally done and listed.  I have six calls on it already and I'm really torn but know it is the right thing to sell it.  My husband was the toy king.  I've had to sell a lot of stuff.  The hardest was his Harley and the Rander (side by side).  It was devastating that day but it was the right decision. This is too. 

Jeanne, at some point you will find the energy.  Don't waste it beating yourself up over the winter.  Set it as a goal for spring when hopefully you will be more up to it.  Thanks for your feedback everyone.  It helps to know I'm not alone.   

[Moment2moment]

18 months out from the loss of a 30 year relationship. I went through similar phases of trying to quit looking back vs looking more forward, etc.

Finally I just quit pushing myself with trying to reinvent myself in grief and just accept myself for who I am now without my partner being physically present. 

I consider myself still married. I have no desire or plan to date or recouple. We are just separated temporarily.

My home environment is largely as it was. I got rid of most of her clothes but kept some and they are in the closet next to mine.

Her books, knickknacks, videos , etc remain on the shelf. Some things in storage too. 

If I had a car which became a financial burden or was deteriorating from just sitting then I might have to consider selling it for practical reasons. But if not I would keep it and drive it.

Do what feels comfortable and natural to you.

No one checks up on me to see how I am doing and never did. I don't fret over this too much anymore like I used to.

My focus is now an odd blend of living for myself and my dogs daily, working, trying to enjoy or get through each day, making new friends, and shedding this identity of myself as "bereaved" .

There is a part of me that is bereaved and always will be, but it is not all of me now. Not like it was. 

In a way I have let go, in another way I feel more grounded. I look around my home and see "our life together". I talk to her daily.

I think of the hard hard moments surrounding her suffering and death,  but they don't haunt me and send me into panic attacks like they did.

The sense of her being at peace and free is gifted to me daily. She is here and it is going to be ok. We will be together when it is time. It is ok.

What you do with his things, who is supportive or not, let it go.

No worries, no pressure, do what feels natural to you when you choose.

Be at peace and take comfort from that car or from selling it. It is going to be ok.

Love, 

Lily Bell

[KayC]

Lily Bell,

Always good to hear from you.  You're making your way through this, little by little, your way.  I'm glad you have less anxiety and are more able to accept what is and be as okay with it as you can.  You're a good person.

I'm also glad you still have your dogs.  Losing Arlie set me back to what I went through when I lost my George.  I never had this kind of pain with the loss of any other animals before, but Arlie was my constant companion since being alone.

[Rhonda R]

 

9 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

Finally I just quit pushing myself with trying to reinvent myself in grief and just accept myself for who I am now without my partner being physically present. 

Lilly Bell,

Thanks for your response.  I did end up selling the car because no one drove it and it just sat in the garage.  I tried driving it, that was too painful for me.  A really nice couple bought it.  Randy would have liked them. 

I think I was so in love and so into my relationship that I forgot who I was, who I am.  We were so involved with one another, we were not an I, we were a we.  Slowly but surely, I am trying to figure that out.  I still have the majority of my husbands personal belongings and shoes.  I'm not in any rush to do anything with them.  I don't want to walk into an empty closet. 

I too still consider myself married.  When I say that to people, they can say the most hurtful things.  One friend wanted to have a debate with me about why I AM single.  I don't care what the IRS says!  One friend told me that she believed that God doesn't take something away without replacing it with something equally or more beautiful.  Really?  At that point, I had to tell myself that they really just didn't get it and leave it at that.  I don't just love Randy, I'm still IN love with Randy.  I am 51 and I won't ever say never but I can honestly say no way right now and I don't see it anywhere in the near future, meaning the next few years. 

My life feels empty without him but I'm trying to work on that.  If I have to be here without him, I need to find something that will take up that time until we can be together again.  A watched clock never moves so I need to find things to fill that space in between. 

Take care,

 

Rhonda

[KayC]

On 11/4/2019 at 8:16 AM, Rhonda R said:

I think I was so in love and so into my relationship that I forgot who I was, who I am.  We were so involved with one another, we were not an I, we were a we.

I went through the same thing, it takes time but we're able to rediscover who we are.

[foreverhis]

On 11/4/2019 at 8:16 AM, Rhonda R said:

I think I was so in love and so into my relationship that I forgot who I was, who I am.  We were so involved with one another, we were not an I, we were a we. 

It's funny I was talking to a friend yesterday about that.  We had been talking about a couple she knows who lost their 18 year old daughter to cancer recently.  This is the friend whose daughter died at birth, so she gets it like no one else I know.  She said that the couple was thinking something was "wrong" with them because they talk about their daughter in the present tense.  That's something we have also talked about, so she told them about how I consistently say, "He is.." and things like that.  She assured them it was completely normal and that she and her husband still do that sometimes years later because the people we love are still here for us.

Then we got to talking about truly connected couples like my husband and me.  How I was a "we" for so long that I am having trouble even imagining myself as an "I" instead.  I said something like, "You know, I wasn't exactly an incompetent ninny before I met my husband.  I was finishing college.  I was heavily involved in theater and music.  I was teaching full time at a private school (for virtually no money, I might add).  I had my own apartment."  It's not that I can't be an independent, functioning adult by myself now.  It's that I don't want to be.  Maybe that's holding me back from trying to start picking up my life and reassembling the pieces that remain.  But just now, I don't care.  Getting out of bed and getting something, anything done in the day is all I can manage.  As time goes on, I expect some things will get easier to do as an "I," but I will never be okay with it.  I do find myself using "I" and "me" and "mine" more than I was a year ago and things are a bit easier to bear, but I know this is a long, painful journey that only I can navigate.

[Rhonda R]

We say it like that because love still is.  Our love for that person is still front and center.  I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday about how I correlate everything to Randy's death.  Everything good that happens to me and everything bad that happens to me, I somehow attach to his death.  I told her, I need to stop attaching everything to his death, good and bad things happen to people every day and I know that they are going to continue to happen to me.  I shouldn't assume that nothing good and nothing bad will ever happen to me again because my husband died, that's not reality.  I know that in my head, but I'm having a hard time detaching from it because right now, his death defines me. 

3 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Maybe that's holding me back from trying to start picking up my life and reassembling the pieces that remain.  But just now, I don't care. 

I hate to admit it but right now, it's true.  Maybe it is holding me back from reassembling the shattered pieces of my life too.  I don't know.  I look around and it's like I know what I need to do but I just don't care enough to do it.  I should....but I don't. 

[foreverhis]

17 minutes ago, Rhonda R said:

I hate to admit it but right now, it's true.  Maybe it is holding me back from reassembling the shattered pieces of my life too.  I don't know.  I look around and it's like I know what I need to do but I just don't care enough to do it.  I should....but I don't

Yep.  That's it in a nutshell.

[Jttalways]

I've been slacking off at home and at work. I have no motivation to do anything either. All i want to do is wallow in my misery. Oh and eat. I think i've gained 15lbs since my husband passed which is horrible. 

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, Jttalways said:

I think i've gained 15lbs since my husband passed which is horrible. 

That's also because of stress hormones.  My cortisol levels were sky high for nearly 2 years while my love was fighting for his life and then the first several months after he died.  They're lower now, but still much too high.  Cortisol tells our bodies "Something bad is happening. Better hold on to every scrap of fat/tissue possible."  I gained 25 lb over my husband's illness and have barely managed to lose a few so far.  In part, yeah it's due to comfort foods being, well, comforting.  But my doctor told me it will take at least 2 years for my hormone levels to restabilize and that stressing over my weight will continue to make them high.

Just a thought to add to the "weighty" issues some of us deal with now.

[Jttalways]

@foreverhis that makes sense. I lost weight the first year my husband was sick from stress. Most of my hair fell out also. Then I lost weight after he passed because I didn’t eat that following week. I feel like I don’t pig out too much, but I’m still gaining weight! 

[Rhonda R]

I packed on 25 pounds. 

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, Jttalways said:

I feel like I don’t pig out too much, but I’m still gaining weight! 

That is very likely from a stress hormone imbalance.  My doctor keeps saying, "Give it time.  You will lose the weight when your body is stable again.  And stop stressing about it so much.  It's not as if people are running screaming when you walk down the street."  It doesn't help that I already needed to lose 10-15 lb before my husband was diagnosed.  But I'm trying my best to be patient and am doing yoga twice a week to help with the stress.

[KayC]

We do what we can to get by. I lost then gained weight, I'm up about 36 lbs and frankly haven't cared enough to try. I tried a few years ago but then it came back.  Knowing what we "should" do has little to do with what we feel able to do.  This isn't easy even all these years later, there's lack of motivation, some depression, I'd feel totally different if he was still here!  Sometimes we feel "What's the point!"

[dailystruggle]

Hi, Just jumping in here. Reading this thread helps significantly.  Thank you.

  My husband died 4 months ago and  I am so overwhelmed with how surreal this all is.   I have a terrible time making myself do anything. Getting out of bed is painful.  Facing the day is so sad and physically painful.  I've only cooked 2 meals since he died. There doesn't seem to be a point to it.

How do you comfort yourselves and get moving?

[KayC]

I got moving because I had no choice, I had to go to work two weeks after he died.  When I lost my job I frantically looked for work until I got a job because I didn't want to be homeless, I guess that's a good motivator.

I needed desperately to talk to someone but all my friends disappeared on me.  That was an extra blow when I least needed it.  I think I tried comforting myself with food, I don't recommend it, it's hard to take off later.  I couldn't read, couldn't watch t.v.  Damn, I have no idea how I made it through that time, it was the hardest time of my life!  I did it by ONE DAY AT A TIME, that helped me a lot, I tried not to think about the whole "rest of my life", it was too much to think about and brought on anxiety.  I STILL  get anxiety if I let myself go there.

I've learned to keep healthy food on hand, have a salad made,  Keep chicken pieces or patties in the freezer so you can pull one out and microwave it.  Maybe keep fruit salad on hand.  I tend to eat that way rather than cooking a big meal with no one else to help eat it.  Making a pot of homemade soup is good too but can get repetitious.  I do like to put individual servings in the freezer for later. I make batches of Kale Smoothie too.  Good way to get fruits/vegetables in.

I had to push myself out of my comfort zone by doing things alone like going to church or eating out.  I'm glad I did, I'm totally comfortable with that now so it's a good thing I got used to it, I've been on my own for 14 1/2 years now.  I have worked really hard at building a life I could live, especially after I retired.  It was one thing when I had work five days a week but something else to wake up and have nowhere to go.  I joined a ladies group, we get together once a week and potluck it, sometimes watch a video, sometimes color, sometimes just eat and talk. I am treasurer for my church and also on the Praise Team so I have music practices.  I also help at the senior site twice a week, that gets me out and around people but I may be cutting back on that now because of other issues.  I'm taking an online course in biblical counseling that has turned out to be way more involved that I could have imagined, that is taking up a lot of time...while I'm learning a lot, it's hard and a lot of pressure.  I also dog/sheep/chicken sit for my neighbors. I like the dogs part of it, especially since I'm missing my Arlie.  I guess you just have to explore your interests and what you feel comfortable with and don't be afraid to make some changes if something isn't working. I made a close friend after George died but she moved away several years ago and I'm not as close to anyone as I was with her, we used to get together and have a cup of cappuccino or do something together, I miss that.  I'm getting closer to a couple of people but it takes a lot of time and effort to build friendships and a lot of people already have theirs by now.  The thing I've noticed though is that life changes and that requires effort from us. I've found keeping a balance helps, maybe five days a week I have someplace to go for a few hours, a couple days I like to be home to get things done around here.  I relax in the evenings.

Most of all try not to be discouraged if everything doesn't fall into place easily or quickly, it does take effort and trying this and trying that, just don't give up, it'll get there, little by little.  And you always have us!

 

[dailystruggle]

KayC, you always share a lot of wisdom.  Since we were both retired, we were pretty wrapped up in each other.  That complicates things.  I have started some of your steps, and I will continue to move forward ( what's the choice).  Some days are just incredibly painful, and yesterday was one of them.

I am lucky with friends and family.  Although, his friends have kind of evaporated ( which I miss,  They are a silly group, with many stories of Richard) , my daughter and my friends have been very helpful and kind.  They can't be there all the time though.

Thank you for your advise.  I always find help there....

[Rhonda R]

On ‎11‎/‎10‎/‎2019 at 8:08 AM, KayC said:

I tried not to think about the whole "rest of my life", it was too much to think about and brought on anxiety.  I STILL  get anxiety if I let myself go there.

I would agree with this statement and the I had no choice part.  I took one day at a time and at times, one moment at a time.  My house doesn't look anything like it used to.  I don't cook the way I used to since my daughter left for college.  They just aren't important to me anymore. 

My husbands friends completely evaporated.  I thought they liked us, not just him but I guess, that must not have been the case.  One of my best friends lost her love to a massive heart attack about a year before Randy died so she is still grieving herself.  My other friend just lost her mom and so she is grieving that loss.  My best friend wants to get it.  Tries to get it but admittedly, just can't.  She is divorced and has never been down this road.  I love my sister but she is so out of touch with everything I'm going through.  Three weeks after he died she already started talking to me about dating someone else.  

I think one of the hardest parts of grief is not only just living without the love of your life.  It is the hurt that is caused by the people around you that just don't get it.  They don't mean to be hurtful but grief is messy and they just don't want you getting your messy all over them.  They don't know how to deal with the mess of emotions that is grief, it's awkward and overwhelming to them.  We are a society that can't stand to see someone else uncomfortable so we are going to fill the space and try to make it better, often saying something that is hurtful or just plain inappropriate.  "Oh, this was meant to be."  Really?  According to who?  God?  He meant to take the love of my life from me and cause me all this pain?  No, God is sad this happened.  God is sad that I am sad.  God didn't give Randy cancer, this wasn't meant to be.   But, now that it has, God is going to take the best care of him and end his suffering.  No, I am not an incredibly religious person but I don't believe this is what God meant for me and Randy.   Sorry, I'll get off my soap box now. 

I know it's hard to believe right now, but you will have good days again.  I can't tell you when, or why or how...but you will. You are going to have to force yourself to do things.  You are going to have to push yourself and it's hard but once you do, you realize you can.  I set a goal for myself to do one thing a day.  Clean the entry way.  Clean the kitchen floor.  I get one thing done, even if it takes me all day, multiple tries and when I do, I feel better. 

 

[dailystruggle]

Rhonda, the "evaporation of his friends" really resonated.  After 20 years, I thought they were our friends.  Apparently not.  Not only is there the void from not having them in my life, but they were important to Richard and a part of him. It makes me feel as if I lost another part of him.  Additionally, I  feel that absence of male energy.  It's another grief.   And, yes, my house doesn't look like it did.  Grocery shopping and cooking used to be a joy. Now it is painful.

Stay warm in Minnesota.  I'm sure extreme weather doesn't help much either.

[KayC]

I read an article once about stupid things people say, can't find it but will look more.

It's true, I wish they'd not say anything rather than stuff that's not helpful.

I got this from my other site, reformatted because the formatting was messed up, still messed up but not quite so bad.

What Is Not Helpful to the Person in Mourning: A List of "Don’ts"

Be aware of what is not helpful to the person in mourning.   Do not: ·         Expect your friend to mourn or heal in certain ways or within a certain time frame. ·         Deliberately avoid the subject of death, change the subject, or act as if nothing has happened. ·         Talk about your own losses, especially early on; this shifts the attention onto you. ·         Use judgmental words like “should” and “shouldn’t.” ·         Begin a sentence with the words “At least . . .” ·         Offer unsolicited advice. ·         Compare one loss with another, or offer judgments about which loss was worse. ·         Take it personally if your friend rebuffs your invitations.  Try again another day, and realize that grief requires being left alone at times.  The mourner needs some time to turn inward, to ponder the deeper meaning of life and death. ·         Try to change what your friend is thinking or feeling. ·         Talk down to the person, in a patronizing way, as if you are the expert. ·         Try to fill up every moment with conversation.  Become comfortable with silence. ·         Ignore warning signs of self-destructive behavior: alcohol, drugs, depression, suicide. Confront the person directly, or organize an intervention with family and friends. ·         Wait for your friend to initiate contact (i.e., call, write or visit). ·         Wait until tomorrow or make promises you cannot (or will not) keep.  Follow through with whatever you have planned or promised. ·         Wait to be asked; this places the burden on the mourner. ·         Expect gratitude for your efforts.  A person in pain is focused inward and self- absorbed, with little room for gratitude.  If you offer help, make sure that it is wanted, and don’t feel hurt or rejected if it is not. ·         Push or expect the mourner to sort through and distribute a loved one’s things. ·         Take away the mourner’s autonomy by doing too much for her or making major decisions that rightfully belong to her. ·         Expect the mourner to begin to reenter social life on other than his/her own time frame. ·         Try to rescue someone from her regrets; she needs time to sort them out, until she is eventually able to forgive herself. ·         Force food on the person if he is not interested in eating. ·         Expect the mourner to be over it within weeks, months or even years. ·         Try to do everything by yourself, or try to fix everything.

Copyright © by Martha M. Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC    All rights reserved
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-what-is-not-helpful.htm

This is a good article on what to say, what NOT to say to someone in grief:

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/01/what-to-say-or-not-to-person-in-grief.html

[Rhonda R]

On ‎11‎/‎12‎/‎2019 at 11:19 AM, dailystruggle said:

I'm sure extreme weather doesn't help much either

Blowing snow and staying warm is a full time job here.  Randy did find someone to plow the driveway for me when the snow is too deep to snow blow.  He contacted me yesterday and we are all set to go. 

We used to love to snowmobile.  We would take off in the morning and go all day.  I miss that.  I've had a huge set back this week, hunting triggers that for me. I didn't go but I would spend the week before cooking and baking for him to take with to his buddies.  Funny what triggers us.   I just miss everything about him.  I've been dreaming about him non-stop lately.  Good dreams.  Makes me want to sleep more and more.  I have no motivation at home or at work.  I used to be so on top of everything. 

I know I will have better days but today, I just can't help wondering if this is going to be my life?  Without him, it's boring and feels a little meaningless.  I have no desire to do the things we used to do together.  I used to work for the weekend so we could spend time together and do something...we always, always did.  Now, I work on the weekends too.  It's not that I want someone to do things with, just anyone wouldn't do, I want him but I can't have that.  I know in my head but my heart tells me something completely different. 

[KayC]

I had a dream about George last night, we were living our very ordinary life, I made him pizza, he loved it (he always loved food, any kind of food).  In my dream I didn't have any idea he was gone, just living life like we used to.

[Jttalways]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

I had a dream about George last night, we were living our very ordinary life, I made him pizza, he loved it (he always loved food, any kind of food).  In my dream I didn't have any idea he was gone, just living life like we used to.

That is so sweet. I love those type of dreams. But waking up after these dreams sucks! I've had 2 dreams, 1 two days ago, where I am at the hospital with my husband and I am so relieved and happy that he's alive.  

[Jttalways]

All the I wishes are getting to me. They sting every time. “I wish my husband was here to see this...” There are so many things I wish I could share with my husband, but I can’t. I know this is what’s going to cause me the most pain in the future. So many major events in the future like our son’s HS graduation, our son’s wedding, if and when our grandchildren are born. It hurts just to think about it. My husband should be by my side when all this stuff happens. It breaks my heart all over again just thinking about it.  

[Rhonda R]

It’s not fair. He should be there and he will be with you as much as possible on those days and many others. 

[Rhonda R]

Why does the hug emoji have a smiley face?  It just seems a little odd. 

[dailystruggle]

Lol, Rhonda, I thought the exact same thing!  Not a lot of perfect choices for a grief site!! A regular hug, a broken heart, they could also make a " you got this" emoji.

 Hugs, Deborah

[Rhonda R]

Exactly, right? 

[Jttalways]

You’re right, it is weird the hugs emoji has a smiley face.  I’ve been particularly depressed. There’s no 1 waiting for my calls or texts anymore. No one waiting and looking forward to my FaceTime. My husband would get so happy when I would FaceTime him out of the blue while I was at work. Sure there’s friends and family to call or text, but it’s not the same. All I want to do is FaceTime my husband and see his smile. 

[Rhonda R]

I remember this sooo well.  My husband was retired and I was not.  He would call me every morning around 9:30 and I would wait for his calls.  I don't think he knew how much I looked forward to them.  When I came back to work, I would jump every time the phone would ring, thinking it was him.  I would get so excited for about 5 seconds and then reality would hit me.   I remember walking around like there was this 30 pound weight on my chest or the constant feeling that I was forgetting or missing something.  It took some time for those feelings to pass, but they did.  I still miss him every single day, don't get me wrong but I no longer look for his face in the crowd or look at my phone to see if he sent me a text.  Acceptance is so very hard.  I didn't want to accept that he was gone, that made it real.  I didn't want to quit looking for him, that meant he was never coming back. 

Regardless of where he is or whether or not he can answer back, I'm sure he looks forward to checking in on you daily.  Can they see us from Heaven, that I don't know.  The last flower card my husband wrote to me shortly before he died said, "Always remember, faith is hope without proof."  I read that card often and have to believe he gave it to me for a reason. 

[Jttalways]

Thank you Rhonda. Your post cheered me up. I was raised Christian, but now I do not practice any religion. I was raised to believe that once you die, it's like you're asleep, waiting for God to resurrect you 1 day. This is what I'd like to believe, but I don't have 100% faith that this is true. Wherever my husband is, I hope he is at peace and i hope I will get to see him again one day.

[KayC]

None of us can "know" with any certainty as we haven't been through it but that's where faith comes in.  Rhonda, I love that he gave you that card, it's like he was preparing you even if he didn't realize it at the time.

[Rhonda R]

This shook my faith to the very core.  I was so angry at God.  Lost my mom at a young age.  Had a loser, deadbeat dad.  Married for 16 years to someone who treated to me like a servant.  Finally found the love of my life.  Gave me just enough for a taste and then, the rug is pulled out from under you.  I've never thought of death like that.  Asleep until God resurrects you one day. 

[Jttalways]

Omg Rhonda. That is horrible. I am glad you had an amazing love with your husband, even though it was short lived. My husband had a very bad childhood. So when he got cancer, I thought "this guy has been thru so much already!" It is really unfair. I look at everyone around me and think "why my husband?" He was perfectly healthy before being diagnosed. He hardly even got a cold! Rhonda, I think you had mentioned your husband was also fit. Cancer is a motherf-er! Only thing worse I think is to lose a child or when kids have cancer. 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Rhonda R said:

This shook my faith to the very core.  I was so angry at God.  Lost my mom at a young age.  Had a loser, deadbeat dad.  Married for 16 years to someone who treated to me like a servant.  Finally found the love of my life.  Gave me just enough for a taste and then, the rug is pulled out from under you.

This is how I felt...lost my dad in my 20s, husband #1 cheated & beat on me constantly (6 years), husband #2 (23 years) didn't love me, was harsh and controlling, then married George and was happy and in love and only got to be married to him 3 years 8 months and he died barely 51.  I was in shock!  I don't remember feeling angry at God but I felt He was a million miles away, I couldn't reach him that first year.  Finally realized He carried me, I honestly don't know how I survived it but my grief forum saved me.  Still trying to take a day at a time all these years later.

@Jttalways  I agree with you about Cancer, I took care of my MIL when she was bedridden with cancer for three years, it's horrific!  I just lost my sweet dog to it too.  I can't think of a worse enemy than cancer.

[dailystruggle]

Rhonda and Jttalways, our stories sound so similar.  My first 2 husbands were abusive.  I won't go into details.  I went into ALOT of therapy.  Codependency groups for 5 years.  Richard and I had been friends and coworkers for 10 years.  When his wife left him for another guy, we spent some time trying to fix each other up with other people. Finally, we found each other. Transitioning from friends to partners was the most wonderful ( my daughter calls it magical) thing that every happened to me.  He WAS my best friend. He was athletic, joyful and helped me experience so many wonderful things.  We dated for 5 years, and he died just short of our 14th wedding anniversary .  I feel robbed.  But I also feel blessed that I finally got to experience real, true love.  It is telling what kind of man he was that MY family rotated 4 days shifts caring for him during his last month.  I am still angry.  Why him? My are my other 2 deadbeat husbands are still limping along?  I'm trying to embrace gratitude for him, but it's hard not to feel that it is just so unfair.

[Rhonda R]

Yes, my husband was very physically fit.  He was often asked if he had been a navy seal.  He worked out every day until his very first cancer surgery.  He is my Superman. 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, dailystruggle said:

 I feel robbed.  But I also feel blessed that I finally got to experience real, true love.  It is telling what kind of man he was that MY family rotated 4 days shifts caring for him during his last month.  I am still angry.  Why him? My are my other 2 deadbeat husbands are still limping along?  I'm trying to embrace gratitude for him, but it's hard not to feel that it is just so unfair.

It IS unfair.  I've wondered the same things.  Not that I want my kids' dad to die, I don't, but George was so good to me, his love was evident to all, why did he have to die so young?  But I know better than to ask why, never got any answers, guess if I did I still wouldn't understand it.  Maybe there are no answers, maybe life is just really random, who knows.

Rhonda, your husband looks very fit, it's hard to understand, but then so was mine.  He had big broad shoulders and chest and 32" waist.  Goes to show what goes on inside a body doesn't always match what's on the outside.

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

Goes to show what goes on inside a body doesn't always match what's on the outside.

So true.  Until the bicycling accident that nearly killed him (would have had he not been wearing his helmet), he was strong, healthy, and fit.  After that, he had long-term health effects, but even then he was as active and strong as he could be with those limitations.  He never wanted to make a fuss over his limitations either and just went on with life the best way he could.

When he was diagnosed with bladder cancer, a few people said things like, "Did you know that's usually caused by smoking and drinking?"  Okay...  He didn't smoke and he didn't drink, so why even bring that up?  And would these people think that someone who did smoke and/or drink "deserved" to get cancer?  Who thinks like that?  My husband had prostate cancer 14 years earlier; every man in his family has had prostate cancer at some point (some earlier; some later).  Should he have not gotten the mild radiation follow up to surgery because it was the likely cause of his second cancer?  Should we have rolled the dice and maybe or maybe not have had those 14 years?  I think, but don't say because i don't swear at people, "The hell with you."