Members Will Always Be Bill's Wife Posted October 15, 2019 Members Report Share Posted October 15, 2019 Being out in stores, I'm already dreading the upcoming holiday season when we will be bombarded with commercials, ads, music telling us that the season is all about love n family. If you've gone through the holidays, how did you cope with the empty chair? the memories of holidays past? If it's your first time, like me, what is good advice you've gotten? I have a plane ticket to visit my son n his family...but I am not sure it's good to go. I can't cope with things now and I can't fake it in front of my grandkids. I don't want them to miss out on Christmas joys, and feel like I will just be a downer for them. Love to you all struggling like me day to day down this lonely path. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jttalways Posted October 15, 2019 Members Report Share Posted October 15, 2019 My husband passed away 3 weeks ago so it will be my first holidays without him also. I too am worried about how I will deal with the holidays this year. I think I will surround myself with family. I like being alone, but I don’t know if it will do any good being alone during the holidays. When I’m around people, it does keep me distracted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 15, 2019 Moderators Report Share Posted October 15, 2019 Being alone at Christmas is HARD. That said, I hope you will give real consideration to going to your son's. My son would tell you that it's okay to show sadness, that that is part of the kids' learning about grief, that it is a natural response to someone losing someone they love. Kids also lose someone they love sometimes and need to know when they feel sad that it is normal. My grandchildren are only 2 and 4. That said, if you DO feel like staying home by yourself at Christmas, that is an option only you can decide and is okay too. Plan for the day as much as you can, whether you will spend part of it with a friend or neighbor or if you will be home alone all day. What does that day look like? Will you watch holiday classics, fix yourself a special meal? Will you talk to your loved ones on the phone or skype with them? It helps to plan and know what to expect as much as possible so we can ready ourselves to deal with it. Of course we can't always know or plan for everything but hopefully we won't get knocked for a loop unduly. My first Christmas without George I would not have felt like putting up a tree but my son was home on break from the Airforce and my daughter was staying here at the time and they wanted to drive out in the woods and cut a tree down. I didn't want to deprive them of their joy, which I realize now was put on for my benefit. And of course my daughter wanted my help decorating the tree. I got them out and also put up George's stocking. We wrote notes to him and put them in his stocking. I bought a new ornament for him. Yes there was his empty chair, but I like to think he was there as we ate our Christmas dinner. Yes there was sadness and tears, but I also had my kids with me and that was worth a lot. Our firsts without are so damned hard to get through. I felt I deserved a medal or something for surviving that first year. The second year wasn't any easier but at least I had the firsts without gotten through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JES Posted October 20, 2019 Members Report Share Posted October 20, 2019 My husband passed away 3 months before Christmas last year. I dreaded the holidays but my dear sister spent each day with me. I put up minimal decorations ( mostly for granddaughter) and still had my family come for our annual dinner. I did it on a different day and my sister helped me. I also invited my daughterinlaws parents so it helped to change the routine. I told the kids I wasnt buying gifts...not to buy me anything. Then I surprised them each with a gift of money. My daughterinlaw did shop for grandaughter for me....shes still young enough that I wanted gifts for her. I was invited places and I went, my wonderful sister wwas with me every step of the way. It helped distract me alittle for the time. I was too busy to think alot. However I did break down totally after the holidays were over...but I made it through somehow. I am at 13 months now, my daughter recently moved in with me for awhile, and Im not dreading the holiday as bad this year. Those first holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. seemed to be the hardest for me. I found that changing things alittle last year helped and forcing myself to get out as it wasnt something myself and my husband usually did. My family was very supportive and I leaned on them....they wouldve understood if I canceled everything. I know Ive been fortunate to have good family..and that not everyone has that. I pray you will all make it through somehow...but dont be afraid to change your normal routine. Anyone who cares about you should understand thats its a rough time for you. And if they dont, do whatever you feel is best for you anyhow. Sometimes we have to be selfish and take care of ourselves first. Love and thoughts for all of you. Jeanne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted October 21, 2019 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2019 On 10/14/2019 at 6:26 PM, Will Always Be Bill's Wife said: If you've gone through the holidays, how did you cope with the empty chair? the memories of holidays past? I have a plane ticket to visit my son n his family...but I am not sure it's good to go. I can't cope with things now and I can't fake it in front of my grandkids. My advice is to go with your gut on this. If you can't cope with it, then please don't try to force it. Instead, maybe you can call or Skype for while when you know you'll be able to keep things "happy" for your grandkids. You can warn your son that it may have to be a very short call/Skype based entirely on how you are feeling and not on what anyone else expects. There is absolutely no way I could have handled Christmas with our granddaughter last year. No way. Last Thanksgiving, I went up to our family like we have always done, but I took the train instead of driving. I don't think anyone wanted me on the road. As my sister promised, it was just immediate family/friends and very low key. Our small circle of friends and family been nothing short of amazing in letting me be however I need to be and in including my husband and his memory in everything. It was okay, though I took the train home (5 hours) on what would have been our 35th anniversary. I did that on purpose so I'd have distractions. Yeah, good idea, but it was still really painful. Wisely, I had upgraded to business class for $20 and got bottled water, a meal voucher, a big private seat, and an incredibly kind attendant. For a long time, Christmas has been a small holiday with just the two of us and then a few immediate family visiting for the week after and through New Year. Last year, I was alone on Christmas, even though everyone wanted me to be somewhere else with them. I just wasn't up to dealing with anything having to do with anyone for the holiday. We hadn't done a tree or lights for a while, so that was not different, but I didn't put out any of the small decorations we usually do. I set out all the Christmas cards though. In December, I skipped the lighted boat parade, the downtown parade, the "snow night" at the big farmers market (yep, they truck in snow; it's a hoot), and every party I was invited to except two. One was the block party our friend-neighbors started having about 5 or 6 years ago now. The other was the private party at a small, well respected winery owned by friends. I asked our next door neighbor if he would come as my escort. He also knows the vintners, knew people who would be attending, and said that all I had to do was say the word and he'd take me right home. We stayed about 90 minutes and he was a wonderful friend to me that evening. Then on Christmas day, rather than Christmas eve as had been tradition, I watched Christmas episodes of certain shows and our favorite movie. We are on the coast and Dungeness crab season starts in early December. At least 15 years ago we started a tradition of Crab Fiesta. (Funny side note: I thought I was being soooo clever when I suggested it to my husband. We called the fish market on the 22nd, which is run by one of the local fishers, and placed the order. I asked if anyone else did something like that. He chuckled and said, "You are order number 156.") We make crab cocktails on the 24th, steamed crab for Christmas, and crab cakes and hot crab spread on fresh sourdough for the 26th. I didn't do that, instead I baked a chicken breast and potato because I knew I needed to eat, but the thought of our beloved local crab made me physically ill. It was very difficult and painful, but I talked to my husband all day. That was one of the main reasons I wanted to be alone: So I didn't sound like I'd completely lost my mind. The most important thing is to remember that this is your grief and your loss. Do not let others nag or guilt you into doing anything, but don't hesitate to do things that may give you comfort. No matter where you are or what you do, you will cry, you will reminisce and might even smile, you will be angry and unbearably sad that your love is not with you. Once I let myself admit that nothing was going to make things "right," then I was able to decide what was best for me because right now it really is "all about me." You need to make this holiday season all about you and your needs, not anyone else's expectations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members EmViolet Posted October 22, 2019 Members Report Share Posted October 22, 2019 Honestly I don't even know what I will do either...my wedding anniversary is Dec 23 and my husband died last year December 29. So I don't have any advice to give you. But you won't be alone... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 22, 2019 Moderators Report Share Posted October 22, 2019 http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/coping-with-holidays-suggested.html https://www.refugeingrief.com/2018/12/11/dealing-with-grief-during-the-holidays/ https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/8338-articles-worth-reading/?page=23&tab=comments#comment-143268 http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/9038-tips-for-handling-the-holidays/& http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/9038-tips-for-handling-the-holidays/& Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted October 22, 2019 Members Report Share Posted October 22, 2019 On 10/14/2019 at 6:26 PM, Will Always Be Bill's Wife said: Being out in stores, I'm already dreading the upcoming holiday season when we will be bombarded with commercials, ads, music telling us that the season is all about love n family. I see you are in south Texas. May I assume you are nowhere near the north Dallas tornado? Regardless, I hope you are okay. Being in south Texas is your weather warm during the fall and early winter? Late fall and early winter is when we have some of our warmest weather here on the coast. It's going to be close to 90 degrees today right on the water and nearly 100 degrees 10 miles inland. At 10 am, it was 80 degrees right outside our front door. Our weather actually made going into stores slightly easier because we all joke around here when we see the "It's cold outside, put on your parka, buy pumpkin lattes, find pine cones, roast chestnuts, and light the fire" ads. We walk in and there are all these winter sights and smells, while we're saying, "Yeah, I was at the beach wearing sunscreen and walking along the water yesterday. I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt today. It's summer here. I don't think I'll buy a hot chocolate or a new wool scarf right now." It's not that we don't have plenty of holiday/Christmas activities or stores overloaded on fall/Christmas decorations and music. Of course we do. We can also have biting rain and near freezing nights to get us in the spirit. But not dealing with snow or sledding or any of that makes our Christmas season a little different from the "traditional." It makes our traditions different too. So I've been avoiding watching the sail boats and canoes on the water because those are things we've done on Christmas day. I reduced, ignored, or changed a number of our personal traditions to make things relatively easier on myself. Last year I was able to avoid crowded stores most of the time because we didn't buy tons of gifts. To be honest, we are both turned off by stores crammed to the rafters with "stuff" to buy. We almost always sent a package of homemade goodies to our girls and did online shopping-shipping for them. We also often shopped online for family and friends we see over the holidays. That's what I did last year. But the biggest thing for me is that my husband and I always believed that love and family is something that should be embraced, appreciated, and celebrated all year, so the holiday season was simply a part of the whole for us. I suggest you think about your and your husband's traditions. Then decide which will be too painful now and which might give you comfort. And again, do not let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't do, how you should or shouldn't feel, or try to convince you that it would be "better" for you to try to do what they think is best. What they think is best doesn't matter at all and often is really what's better for them. People so often want to pretend everything is back to normal because our grief is difficult and uncomfortable for them that they pressure us to play the part they've assigned us or that they expect, which is often based on fictional depictions that bear no relationship to the truth. This can be especially true when children are involved. The notion that we shouldn't upset the kids or grandkids and should pretend that everything is fine does a disservice to both us and them. Children should have happy holiday/Christmas memories, but what are we teaching them if we pretend nothing has changed? Are we teaching them that grief and loss should be ignored? Are we teaching them that death of someone we love is no big deal? I believe we should teach them that the spirits of our loved ones live on through us and that it is okay to be both happy and sad. I guess there really are no good answers. There are only choices that allow us to keep breathing while we find our way along this painful and unwelcome journey. I'm sure others will have more concrete suggestions. I am sending you comforting hugs and a prayer that you will find the strength to do what is right for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jttalways Posted October 22, 2019 Members Report Share Posted October 22, 2019 1 hour ago, foreverhis said: Late fall and early winter is when we have some of our warmest weather here on the coast. It's going to be close to 90 degrees today right on the water and nearly 100 degrees 10 miles inland. At 10 am, it was 80 degrees right outside our front door. Our weather actually made going into stores slightly easier because we all joke around here when we see the "It's cold outside, put on your parka, buy pumpkin lattes, find pine cones, roast chestnuts, and light the fire" ads. We walk in and there are all these winter sights and smells, while we're saying, "Yeah, I was at the beach wearing sunscreen and walking along the water yesterday. I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt today. It's summer here. I don't think I'll buy a hot chocolate or a new wool scarf right now." Ugh, I hate it. Fall is my favorite season and we don't have a fall, we have a summer extension. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 23, 2019 Moderators Report Share Posted October 23, 2019 19 hours ago, foreverhis said: what are we teaching them if we pretend nothing has changed? ...I guess there really are no good answers. There are only choices that allow us to keep breathing while we find our way along this painful and unwelcome journey. So true. My son uses all of life experiences as teaching tools for his kids. I've heard how he explains things to his four year old, he really does a good job and getting it to a level she can understand without overloading her. The two year old's comprehension is of course at a different level. I am not in the mood for Christmas, with Arlie gone, it just feels there's nothing... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted October 23, 2019 Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2019 21 hours ago, Jttalways said: Ugh, I hate it. Fall is my favorite season and we don't have a fall, we have a summer extension. Where we are, the summers are cold and foggy/wet. The past several years it's gotten worse because the inland has been getting hotter, so the marine inversion layer above and around us has been getting stronger. Between May 1 and October 1 this year, we had probably 25 sunny days and maybe 15 with temperature above 65. One year, we didn't even hit 60 degrees between April 1 and September 1. We have to run our heaters in the morning and evening because it is that cold here in the summer. So we revel in the glory of finally, finally having one warm day after another, interspersed with rain or a bit of marine layer and some pretty cold nights, from about mid September through mid November. But I understand what you mean. When I was growing up in the bay area, we actually had fall and the seasonal change. We had Indian summer, of course, but by mid October the chill was in the air most of the time and there were countless piles of leaves for us kids to jump in or ride our bikes through. As an adult, I don't miss that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jttalways Posted October 23, 2019 Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2019 I live in Los Angeles county, it was 100 degrees yesterday. Wild fire weather. I wouldnt want it to be too cold, but a 75 degree day would be nice. We would go to the beach on days like these. I got a google "2 years ago today" photo of us at the beach just the other day. It brought on the pain pretty bad. I looked at the photo and thought "if someone had told us on this day that my husband would be dead in less than 2 years, we would have laughed." Yesterday was a hard day. Full of tears and despair. But i know my husband wouldnt want me to be so sad. I can hear him say "come on, knock it off" like he always used to when i would cry. I know if it was me, I wouldnt want my husband or son to be so sad. I told my son the other day, "I want to be cremated right away, no viewing. Have a party for me. I want people to be happy, i dont want everyone sobbing, i want them to smile and remember the good times." I know its natural to grieve. I know its going to be hard and sad. But I know our loved ones would also want us to be happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted October 23, 2019 Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2019 2 hours ago, Jttalways said: I live in Los Angeles county, it was 100 degrees yesterday. Wild fire weather. Yes, that's the scary thing for all of us right now. I read PG&E is planning for another blackout in certain areas. More than once, we had major fires so close we could see them trying to crest over mountain ridges. Once we had to prepare to evacuate, but didn't as the fire breaks shifted the direction. My husband and I would find out where the fire fighter base was stationed and make bagged lunches (him) and a thousand cookies (me) to donate. One time, I was driving into the National Guard station with 80 lunches, 4 boxes of homemade cookies, water, and fruit. I was stopped so I could be directed to the food service area. As I was talking to one of the chiefs, a battalion leader pulled up in his truck and told the chief he needed food and water for his crews. The chief and I looked at each other, opened the back of my car, and the chief and battalion leader simply moved everything to his truck, including several cases of liter size bottled water and 3 bags of apples I had convinced a store manager to donate. The battalion leader shook my hand, thanked me and my husband profusely, and went back to the fire line. I looked at the chief and said, "Well, that was easy." He chuckled and told us that this type of community support makes all the difference for morale sometimes. I'm praying we all stay safe and wild fire free. It's supposed to cool down into the mid 70s to low 80s here in a few days and then high 60s to low 70s in a week or so. I hope we don't have too many episodes of Santa Anas or Santa Lucias before the rainy season. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jttalways Posted October 23, 2019 Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2019 57 minutes ago, foreverhis said: My husband and I would find out where the fire fighter base was stationed and make bagged lunches (him) and a thousand cookies (me) to donate. One time, I was driving into the National Guard station with 80 lunches, 4 boxes of homemade cookies, water, and fruit. That is amazing. My coworker's brother is a fire fighter and he's been battling some of the wild fires going on out here. She showed me videos that he's sent her, and the fires are scary! Its a hard job with so much risk. It's nice to hear about people like you showing your appreciation for them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 24, 2019 Moderators Report Share Posted October 24, 2019 It's hard to believe it's so warm there when I've had to have my wood stove going for nearly two months! It literally dropped 40+ degrees overnight and the heat never came back. George and I were married on October 19 and honeymooned at the coast, we didn't need coats! And every anniversary it was the same. How the weather has changed since. Thinking of all of you with the fires and outages, keeping you in prayer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted October 24, 2019 Members Report Share Posted October 24, 2019 2 hours ago, KayC said: Thinking of all of you with the fires and outages, keeping you in prayer. Thank you, Kay. I saw on the news there's fire up in Sonoma and another in San Bernardino. We're situated basically right between them. When they get really big (pray they don't), sometimes the offshore winds combined with the inversions shift heavy layers of smoke right to us. In 2017, as my husband was going through his chemo rounds, the winds brought the smoke from the Thomas Fire (Santa Barbara/Ventura about 130 miles from us) down onto us much like the Great London Smog of 1952. We had to keep everything tightly closed, shove towels up against the bottoms of the doors, and stuff a towel into the dryer vent. It only lasted a day and a half. The big smoke had cleared by the afternoon of the second day, which was my husband's chemo time. But the air was still full of "ick." He asked me to get his particulate respirator from his workshop and he wore that in the car driving to town. It was much clearer the 14 miles inland, but the air was still hard to breathe. Here's a picture of the smoke layer coming in and another of the midday sun. @Will Always Be Bill's Wife I'm afraid we (that is mostly I) have hijacked your thread. Sorry about that. The wildfires are so much on our minds from October through December that they seem to be part of our Christmas traditions. I am going to stand by my original suggestion to not let yourself be pressured into doing anything simply because it is expected of you. Being expected to put on the fake "brave face" is bad enough. Having people insist that we do it during times that are already so emotionally fraught just makes things harder. I have come to believe that I do not owe it to others to make things easier on them by making my life more painful. If you can't go visit your son and his family this year, please don't. Let them know that you love them and wish you could be there, but that you need to figure out the holidays for yourself first. Now, if you decide that you would feel more comforted by being with them, then of course you should. The thing is that you may not know which is right for you until shortly before Christmas. I urge you to not make a decision one way or the other right now unless you are positive it's the right one. Considering how our emotions and abilities to cope swing wildly day to day, we cannot and should not be expected to know now what we'll be up to 2 months from today. Whichever you decide, please come talk to us about it. I promise not to turn it into "Can you believe this weather we're having?" Though I pray that there are no more tornadoes in your neck of the woods (or wild fires in ours). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SLW Posted October 25, 2019 Members Report Share Posted October 25, 2019 This will be my first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my sweetie girl. She passed away in April. I’m going to the beach for both holidays alone. And Thanksgiving falls on the 28th. What would have been our 4th wedding anniversary. I’m going to the exact spot we where we tied the knot. While she was sick, we always went to the beach each Thanksgiving and Christmas. It’s what she wanted. My closest friends understand. Family not so much. As others have said, you do what brings you comfort. My mission will always be to honor my wife. As much as it hurts to be without her, I will do my best to preserve her memory. I hope all of you get through the holidays the best you can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jttalways Posted October 25, 2019 Members Report Share Posted October 25, 2019 1 hour ago, SLW said: While she was sick, we always went to the beach each Thanksgiving and Christmas. It’s what she wanted. I understand this. The past 4 Thanksgivings we went to Las Vegas. Even last year when my husband wasn’t feeling good, he wanted to go and we went. I am considering going to Vegas this Thanksgiving. I like doing things or going places that remind me of husband, even though it causes me pain. Maybe i’m a masochist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 26, 2019 Moderators Report Share Posted October 26, 2019 On 10/24/2019 at 8:11 AM, foreverhis said: I am going to stand by my original suggestion to not let yourself be pressured into doing anything simply because it is expected of you. I couldn't agree more. New grievers need to put their needs ahead of everyone else and the only exception might be those with children. foreverhis, I am so sorry you are surrounded by fires, I pray they get them under control soon. Stay in with air conditioning or air filtration systems! This situation is not to be minimized and you are important to us, I pray for your safety! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted October 26, 2019 Members Report Share Posted October 26, 2019 16 hours ago, KayC said: I couldn't agree more. New grievers need to put their needs ahead of everyone else and the only exception might be those with children. foreverhis, I am so sorry you are surrounded by fires, I pray they get them under control soon. Stay in with air conditioning or air filtration systems! This situation is not to be minimized and you are important to us, I pray for your safety! Thanks Kay. I really appreciate your prayers and kind thoughts. I woke up this morning and looked out to see a suspicious mild brownish haze around the coastal hills and mountains. It's pretty light and our air is still breathable, not dangerous. Though it does explain why I've been sneezing and am stuffed up this morning! Yesterday we were notified that the main PG&E lines through our county are in the high wind shutoff zone. Not that we will lose power for sure, but we could. My husband was big on being prepared for emergencies, so I'm pretty set--except I know I'd lose the yummy ice cream I just splurged on at the grocery. We really don't have a need for the fuss and expense of a generator, but we manage okay without one. I haven't checked the local news on the status of the northern and southern fires, but they are 200+ miles away from us, so the smoke is all we're likely to get. No A/C here because we don't have enough hot days to justify it. But the previous owners installed a HEPA filter with the furnace system and we can run it on just the air setting. I worry about the best way to handle the loss of a parent or grandparent for young children. I don't believe we should hide our grief because that tells them that the loss of someone we love deeply is simply to be shrugged off and put behind us. OTOH, I don't think we should burden them with the nitty gritty parts of trying to just get through the days. And we must encourage them to express their sadness by talking to them at a level they can understand. I think I've mentioned that our granddaughter bottled up her pain for nearly 2 weeks when my husband died. They were as close as could be and had a special bond. She spent the first several days basically pretending it was a bad dream. Then she spent some time acting as if it was her "job" was to comfort her mama. She is a very sensitive, caring child, so that wasn't much of a surprise. She couldn't even talk to me for a bit because she didn't know what to do. Finally I got the call I'd been expecting. Our daughter bluntly said, "The volcano has erupted." It took 2 days and lots of mom time for our sweet girl (going on 10 at the time) to even begin to process her feelings. It's been a really hard 2 years for her too. This year her other grandma was diagnosed with advanced vascular dementia (with combative and often violent anger), which we had suspected for a while. That grandma is now in a care facility, which took months of painful work. On top of that, her mom had to have their aged kitty put to sleep last month. Our little one (who is very nearly as tall as her short grannie!) has dealt with more loss and grief than most people years older than she. Her mom works for a child-centered non profit that is offering one-on-one counseling, which our daughter has decided she's going to arrange. I swear sometimes it feels as if we're all fighting our way through a jungle filled with land mines armed with only a dull machete and no map. Big warm comforting hugs are coming to everyone from the not-as-hot-today central coast. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 26, 2019 Moderators Report Share Posted October 26, 2019 foreverhis, I am so sorry your granddaughter is dealing with so much, that's so young to have to be aware of these issues and deal with them. I got my first dog at 5 and he didn't die until I was 20. On the other hand, I lost my 3 year old nephew when I was almost 15. It was the same accident that made my sister quadriplegic and also damaged my other sister's brain. My innocence was shattered. I'm glad you as a family all have each other to lean on, love, cherish, and yes, even grieve with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted October 27, 2019 Members Report Share Posted October 27, 2019 6 hours ago, KayC said: foreverhis, I am so sorry your granddaughter is dealing with so much, that's so young to have to be aware of these issues and deal with them. I got my first dog at 5 and he didn't die until I was 20. On the other hand, I lost my 3 year old nephew when I was almost 15. It was the same accident that made my sister quadriplegic and also damaged my other sister's brain. My innocence was shattered. I'm glad you as a family all have each other to lean on, love, cherish, and yes, even grieve with. Oh goodness, Kay. You had your share of heartaches starting at an awfully young age. You've mentioned your sister's accident and her resulting medical trauma before, but I didn't realize that you also lost a young nephew at the same time. That's one heck of a lot for a 15 year old to handle. Plus, you are a caretaker by nature, I believe. I suspect you helped the rest of your family deal with everything back then, just as you do now. It's hard enough for us as adults, but in your teen years you would have just been starting to figure out who you were and what you wanted to do with your life. My heart hurts for you. It's amazing to me that some of the things I believe are so important that are also important to our granddaughter. The other day, I was talking to our girls on the phone. They know that I've been having several projects done that my husband and I had in the works or planning stages, so many things will be different when they visit. That includes a few items of furniture moved or given away. I've sent them many things to comfort and help them. They know I've donated some clothing to those who need it and have gifted a number of small tools to friends who are fellow woodworkers. But our daughter also knows that I've kept many of her dad's things exactly where he left them or where they've always been. Anyway, our granddaughter suddenly asked, "Grannie? Do you have grandpa's chair?" I told her that yes, it's right there in his spot as it's always been. She was incredibly relieved and said, "You'll keep it, right? I need it." I said, "Me too, honey. Me too." She has years of memories of being snuggled, of tickling and teasing, of laughing with each other, and just basically climbing on and sprawling on her grandpa for love (or a nap). He made her feel safe, secure, loved, and happy. That last visit when her grandpa was in the hospital, she spent a lot of her time at our home just snuggled into her beloved grandpa's chair so she could smell his clean, sweet, masculine scent. And because it gave her more comfort than anything else could right then. Even if I hadn't already planned on keeping her grandpa's chair, I would keep it just for that reason alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 27, 2019 Moderators Report Share Posted October 27, 2019 15 hours ago, foreverhis said: in your teen years you would have just been starting to figure out who you were and what you wanted to do with your life. Who I was and what I wanted to do didn't come into question at that time, I was needed, and family does what family has to do to get through these things. My life was go to school, come home and take care of Donna and the little ones until 9 pm and then start homework. There was no "life" for me as a teen. I remember another teen whose mom had cancer, and her life was very similar to mine. That's so sweet that she finds comfort in grandpa's chair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jttalways Posted October 28, 2019 Members Report Share Posted October 28, 2019 Foreverhis, your granddaughter sounds like a strong awesome young lady. My son is 15 and he was bottling his emotions the 1st 2 weeks after my husband’s death. He lost it at the funeral when he saw his father in the casket. I worry about him but he’s been so supportive to me. Every time he hears me crying he comes and gives me a hug. Children are extremely strong and resilient. They really do give us hope. KayC, wow u’ve been thru a lot. From reading ur posts on here I can tell u have a really big heart and you are such a kind person. Really I feel terrible things happen to the kindest people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted October 28, 2019 Members Report Share Posted October 28, 2019 6 hours ago, Jttalways said: Foreverhis, your granddaughter sounds like a strong awesome young lady. My son is 15 and he was bottling his emotions the 1st 2 weeks after my husband’s death. He lost it at the funeral when he saw his father in the casket. I worry about him but he’s been so supportive to me. Every time he hears me crying he comes and gives me a hug. She is a wonderful girl, sensitive, caring, and loving. She's also got her grandpa's (and mama's) stubborn streak, so life around her is never dull. One of the reasons her mom has decided to set up the child grief counseling for her is that the stress of everything piled one on top of another is beginning to show in her behavior. Heck, it shows in my behavior, why wouldn't it affect her at least as much? When our daughter got pregnant, her fiance decided he didn't want to be married or a father after all and left. He pays child support, so at least there's that. My love was our granddaughter's dad, grandpa, and male role model. When she was born, he stayed for nearly 6 weeks with them. She spent a lot of her time on his lap sleeping or being held by him while he talked to her, walked her around showing her the world, and stimulated all her little infant brain cells. He even showed our daughter how to do infant massage like she'd had when she was a baby. That tight bond between my love and our granddaughter was forged then and only grew stronger. He was just about the best dad and grandpa in the world. I was unable to be there because we'd planned my ear surgery around her due date. We forgot that babies will come when they want; in her case, 3 weeks early. By the time I could travel, the entire Seattle area was snowed and iced in with a once-every-60-years winter. No one was going in or out for a nearly a month. I thank God my love was able to be there for our girls, especially because our daughter had to have an emergency c-section. Your son sounds like a real treasure. I'm not surprised he bottled up his feelings at first. Society teaches our boys to "be strong" and not to show all the emotions that come with loss and grief. Plus, I have no doubt he did want to be strong for you and to take care of you. The finality of seeing his father at the funeral would have ripped away all of that and simply left him as a teenage grieving son. It's wonderful that you have each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 28, 2019 Moderators Report Share Posted October 28, 2019 7 hours ago, foreverhis said: My love was our granddaughter's dad, grandpa, and male role model. That explains a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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