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Memorial for our marriage


MODArtemis2019

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MODArtemis2019

A few days ago would have been our 13th wedding anniversary. I know it's not long in the scheme of things, but it was a lifetime for me, and the best years by far in my life (and I'm close to 60). 

I had been thinking about the day for a couple of weeks, crying and feeling sad about this first anniversary since my husband passed. I knew that I had to mark the day in some way to honor our commitment, but I wasn't sure what to do. Then, oddly, the feelings subsided and I was just numb. 

When the day came, I was busy at work and preoccupied. Not sad.

Once I came home and had finished chores, pets and dinner, I sat down at the computer and started writing a note to him.  I let the words pour forth, and as they did, the tears started in earnest.  

Then I gathered all the previous memorial cards we had exchanged in years past, flowers from our garden, our wedding rings, and a note that my husband wrote me in the weeks before he passed. I arranged these items on our kitchen table with a wedding picture and a favorite picture of my husband. I placed a candle in the middle and lit it.  

I sat at the table and read the notes aloud, as if reading to him, tears streaming down my face. I read our words from last year, when we were together, and I read the new words I had just written.  

It was so,so painful. I cried more deeply that night than almost any other time since the day he passed. But it was good to do. In some way I felt closer to him during this painful expression of grief.  

The next day, I felt calmer. Thinking about what had happened, I realized two things- first, that I was able to fully feel the grief because I made the space and time to do so, and I did it alone. If someone else had been present, I would not have been able to let the grief surface the way it did.

Secondly, it occurred to me that my commemoration was much like a memorial service for our marriage and the life we built together. This is the collateral damage when a partner dies - not just my husband is gone, but also our relationship and shared life are gone. 

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It is in allowing ourselves to feel our grief that we begin to process it.  I was 48 and George 47 when we married...he died at 51, we never expected it.  All too short, our time together.  But like you, it was the best years of our lives.  I'm glad you were able to create a memorial for him, for your lives together.

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@Artemis2019 I am so sorry for your loss and the pain of your anniversay alone.  Sometimes it seems that the weeks preceding are worse than the actual day. Am glad you were able to feel some calm. I went through the 1 yr. anniversity of my husbands death recently and the weeks preceding it were so hard. It didnt help that family members went through deaths of dogs and near deaths of pets.  But I was extremely emotional about every little thing. A couple days before I was cleaning closets and found hundreds of post it notes, letters and cards from him that I had saved. I sat for two days reading them all and crying the whole time.  So many memories and always him telling me how much he loved me, not a negative word, he was always so positive,  and quite a romantic.  When the 1 yr. date came, I actually had a decent day, no tears and a feeling of peace.  I am happy that you found peace also with your cards, his note and your memorial to him.  Thinking of you and sending hugs. Jeanne

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I sat down after maybe 6-8 months and went through the funeral cards. But then a few months later maybe around our first anniversary I had a desire to look at all the cards I kept from him. It made me smile at the wonderful love we had and that I will cherish forever! Marriage is honored by our Maker and he Proclaimed it be Beautiful and Special. No one can take that away. 

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