Little things that unexpectedly got hard

[KeirKieran]

I can't listen to the radio anymore. Just can't. I swear half the songs are about love or sex. I never noticed before but now I've found myself listening to sports talk or seeking out commercials if I'm not blocking everything out with an audio book.

I'm at a restaurant right now and had to put my headset on and blast bad new age music to escape the music of the restaurant. 

I was wondering what things others suddenly found to be a problem.

[Sandra K]

music is a big one for me..I am cancelling my Sirius as I will not listen to it anymore and I loved my music. But it just makes me think of my husband all the more. I miss miss him so much .

 

 

[KayC]

My husband loved music and had very eclectic taste...that became a problem after he died.  After listening to all of his CDs (which was hard to get through) I later gave a lot of them away that weren't my taste but listening to our love songs was super hard.  Still is 14+ years later, but neither can I get rid of them.

Watching t.v. was out for a few years.

Reading books for pleasure took me ten years to get back because I didn't have the focus.  My focus never did get back to it's previous state but has gradually improved to where I'm functional.

 

[SLW]

I have a couple CD’s that I had made for me that have some of her favorite songs on them. One CD is mixed with songs of love. I listen to them now and then, and have a good cry. I’m a big time music fan for as long as I can remember. I play some of these songs and remember the good times we shared. It’s also one of the ways I honor her memory. I hope things can be better for you and all on this site. We are a unique group and I’m happy to be here.

Peace to all :))

[MODArtemis2019]

I have a hard time with any music that has an emotional component (which is most of it really). I don't seek out music at all now, and actively avoid it at times. I hope though I can get back to enjoying music at some point in the future. 

[KeirKieran]

I do Lyft on the side and will have to get back to it, but the music is a real problem. And you need to have music going for your fares.

I had just been adding a new genre of music to my playlists that I was really enjoying. I really loved my music and most of my favorites were love songs (now that I look back on it). But yeah, I don't know. I nearly wrecked my car the other day to turn off a song when a guy was singing about losing his baby.

[Gail 8588]

Music is a mixed bag for me.  My husband was a musician. I feel close to him when I listen to his CDs. Two and a half years after his death, I still listen to his voice nearly every day.

Other people singing can still destroy me.   Leonard Cohen's, "dance me to the end of love" and Linda Ronstadt's "love has no pride" are 2 songs that have recently dropped me into that dark abyss of overwhelming grief.

I have sort of a chicken and egg quandary.  Am I stuck in my grief because I listen to him sing every day? Or do I listen to him sing because I am stuck in my grief?  I don't know.

Peace,

Gail

 

[KeirKieran]

Actually, hearing everyone say they had problems with music made it easier for me to start listening to it again. 

That said, I'm helping with my grandmother today and her music has to be always on to help her mood (dementia) and it's all 40's love songs, so... I'm having a good night. 

[foreverhis]

Oh, so many things I've had to avoid or change.

I started making the morning coffee a different way because setting it up at night, which I did for my husband, who was almost always up first, was painful.  We make our own sparkling water (Soda Stream) and he was in charge of that. First I had to remember how to do it.  I started by using his routine, but had to change that too.  I still barely cook or bake except for when friends are visiting.  I loved taking care of him with good food and we had so much fun creating recipes together.

We're musicians and theater people by avocation.  There are musicals, operas, orchestra pieces, and on and on musically that even thought of makes my cry.  My MP3 had died and I was going to buy a new one.  Now I have his, which has been sitting in a basket for more than a year because I can't bear to look at all his favorites and the things I loaded on for him to have in the hospital.  His last day, I used our music app and played all our favorite music, including pieces he had done arrangements for for our wedding where two dear friends played for us.  Just the thought of it all makes my heart ache, literally.

Even going to the farmers market is difficult.  I pick up a bunch of grapes and have to remember it's too much for just me or I buy four of our favorite Persian cucumbers and then have to figure out what to do with so many.  I've had to tell farmers we know that we won't be buying fill-in-the-blank to make jam or sauces now.  I couldn't even bring myself to go to the markets for the first few months.  Actually, any shopping like that is so hard.  I see his favorite ham on sale or see a new version of something is now available.  I no longer grow vegetables because that was something we did together and I can't bring myself to put in the effort or look at the clever planters he built.

I guess the list could well be endless.  So I make adjustments or simply avoid things.  I've told our daughter that it is often the little things that smack me in the heart the most.  All those things we take for granted as part of a life lived together.

Believe me, you are not alone in this.

[KayC]

My friend who just died...at her funeral, the pastor smiled as he said she dusted her stove (she no longer cooked).  Of course I understand why she no longer cooked.  She'd outlived two husbands and having gone through it once, and yet again twice, she no longer had the desire to do so just for herself.  It was a trigger...and so she just ate out.  Of course she lived much closer to restaurants than I do, and eating out is not feasible for me in the winter time when roads are bad, but she didn't have that problem...eating out also got her out and around people.

[fzald]

It took me months to be able to go to a movie or play again after my GF died. She loved going to movies, and she was thrilled because I didn't mind going to "chick flicks" with her, and then discussing the intricate plot details of the movie over dinner afterwards. It was one of our favorite things to do. She also loved musicals and plays, and we'd gone to many of them as well. 

The first movie I actually saw in theater after she passed was "Beauty and the Beast", the 2017 live-action remake. It was particularly heart-wrenching, being a love story with both sad and happy moments, but especially Belle's father who, (Spoiler alert), it is revealed lost his wife (Belle's mother) to the Plague, and he, like many of us, has never been able to truly "move on". One of the most emotional scenes from the movie is Belle's father, working on a mechanical art project and singing the song "How Does A Momemt Last Forever". It's the first time I actually shed tears in a movie theater in years. Had my GF been able to be at the movie with me, it would have brought her to tears too. 

There were also a lot of songs I couldn't listen to after she passed, as like many of you, my GF was a music lover. I couldn't read certain books either. 

I think it's part of the natural healing process, we need to be able to carefully tread around things that are just going to rip open the wounds as they heal, but eventually, you find that such things bring you a little comfort and a sad smile rather than such acute pain. 

But in some ways, the hurt never 100% goes away. And maybe that's OK. It's just a reminder and a memento as to just how much we loved them. 

[KeirKieran]

I'm trying my best to not "dust my stove". It's hard and I'm not really connecting with the music, but I can have it on some. The comic books we loved are hard, but I've started dipping my toes in cus it reminds me of her. I'm going to ask her mother if she knows her gaming account info, cus I want to know the names of all the casual games she kept telling me to try but I never did.

It's hard though. But she loved Captain America and Steve always keeps moving forward no matter what. So I'm keeping that in mind.

And it really helps hearing what everyone else is struggling with. Just hearing that I'm not alone makes it a little easier.

[KayC]

I hope you do get the information you need on her gaming accounts.

When George died, I listened to all of his CDs and tried to see what it was he liked about each one...he had such eclectic taste.  Some were not my taste but of course we had our favorites in common.  It took me a long long time to listen to them all, and then I gave the ones away that were not ones I would listen to on my own, but kept the others.  But then it seemed just too hard to listen to them, I have them still but I know good and well if I listened to them I'm going to be in for a good long hard cry.  I try to shield myself from undue tears, Lord knows I had enough of those in the first few years, unbidden.

[JES]

      The music was also hard for me. About 5 months after he passed I decided to clean his den, actually his music room. He had a great love for music, especially the Beatles..( John Lennon)..but he collected it all. I talked to my sister that day and told her Kevin and I were having a party in the Beatle room.  He always told me that after he was gone, if I ever heard a Beatle song Id think of him. It almost never fails when I am out shopping I hear a Beatle song over the store intercom, and I just feel its a sign hes with me.  I miss him singing along or leaning over singing softly in my ear as he had always done.  I loved music too, but still cant listen to at home very often. I also avoid most of the shows on Tv that he loved to watch.  Hope and love to all who are going through this journey. Jeanne

 

[Rhonda R]

We both loved all the Alaska and Frontier shows and Forensic Files.  I can't bring myself to watch any of them.  If someone else is watching them, I make the excuse to leave the room.  Two songs that kill me are "Lady" which he picked to be played at our wedding for me and Ottis Redding, "These Arms of Mine."  Lady was probably very popular song at weddings when it first came out but we got married in 2017, and he said the song spoke to him.  Some day, when I am a little stronger, I hope to listen to it again. 

[Gail 8588]

This year I rented a house at the beach and my children spent most of the week there with me.  We had a nice time, gorgeous sunsets, too much food, lots of football on TV, walks on the beach etc.  It was a good week.

Driving home by myself however was one of those "unexpectedly difficult ordinary things'. When I got home I just went in my house and cried.  Going home alone was the hardest part of the holiday.

[MODArtemis2019]

I understand about the going home. My Thanksgiving was ok, I was with a small group of family. But I cried the whole way home, driving away from the house in the dark night, like we had together many times before. Another "first"- first time leaving a holiday gathering without him. There is something special about when we leave the wider world and head home with our beloved. Just us two. We are a team and we look out for each other. But so sad when that is gone. 

[Jttalways]

On 10/8/2019 at 9:26 PM, Gail 8588 said:

After he died, there were times when I would listen to him sing to me for days on end.  

What I do know is I can breathe easier when I hear his voice singing to me and  I can't part with any of his music stuff yet.  

You are very fortunate to have recordings of your husband singing. My husband loved to sing. He sang in his HS choir and church choir. He loved music so much that his only wish for his funeral was that there would be “lots of singing.” I wish to god I had a vid or recording of him singing. 
I listen to the radio at work, but now I put on the country station. We didn’t listen to a lot of country music so it’s good that most of the country songs that come on the radio have no connection to my husband. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Going home alone was the hardest part of the holiday.

I'm glad you got to spend time with your kids but I know what you're saying, it's always the going home alone part that's hard.

My George loved music too, but had very eclectic taste, loved most of it except rap.  He wasn't a singer but enjoyed singing along with the radio and was always my biggest fan (I'm on the Praise Team that leads singing at church).

[foreverhis]

On 12/1/2019 at 4:44 PM, Gail 8588 said:

  Going home alone was the hardest part of the holiday.

I know what you mean.  At the end of visits with family and friends, when driving, training, or flying home, we'd talk and just sit together, hold hands and reconnect as "just us" again.  We'd go into the house together, where I'd unpack and sort the laundry and make a grocery list for the next day.  He'd turn on the heat or house fan, check the house and yard, and make sure everything was okay,

I'm staying with my husband's sister and her husband for 2 days after a week with other family. To be honest, I was really hesitant to plan it, but decided one longer visit to see everyone was better for me than two short ones.

I stayed with our 30 years "sister and brother by choice" aka best friends and family who we always spend holidays with.  Our daughter and granddaughter were able to come down and stay with them too for the 4 day weekend.  (Oh boy was it interesting having us three girls share one room!  But it was good.)  The weather was utter crap, so we didn't get a lot of our usual walks, go to the park, hang out in the yard, etc.  My actual sister and her husband were able to come down for a day to visit as well.

Unlike last Thanksgiving when our same friends minimized dinner to only immediate family for my sake and to get me there, this year we had 19 for dinner Thursday and 12 for family dinner tonight.  It was really difficult at times, but I'm glad I did it.  I took the train again because I simply could not have driven it without falling apart.  Plus, my doctor told me 4 hours driving alone is too long because of fatigue and pain from my auto-immune issues.

I dread the train trip home on Wednesday afternoon because I hate coming back to a cold, lonely, empty house.  I know how hard it will be and how much it will hurt every time I venture out this way because even going to the store is still difficult much of the time.

So many things that others take for granted, all the little bits and pieces of a life together, that I do not have with my love now.  I know these will never be easy for me in this life time.

[KayC]

7 hours ago, foreverhis said:

We'd go into the house together, where I'd unpack and sort the laundry and make a grocery list for the next day.  He'd turn on the heat or house fan, check the house and yard, and make sure everything was okay,

That's just it, we were a TEAM.  We fit together so perfectly.  And at the end of the day we'd cuddle and just enjoy being with each other.  That's the part I miss the most, feeling the comfort of him next to me.