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I discovered my departed GF might have been unfaithful...


fzald

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I had a strange dream of her a week or so ago. It took place in our old office (we worked together). The weird part was the office was exactly as I remembered it. You know how in many dreams you'll perceive some place as your house or office or whatever but then when you wake up and think, that place had no resemblance to your actual home or office etc? This wasn't like that. Everything was correct. Computers in the right place, I even recall a big yellow mug I used to have on my desk being there!  There was only one thing that differed from "real life" - the entire room had a sort of white glow, an aura, a lightness about it. It was very subtle, not like a spotlight or the ceiling lights or anything, just a gentle glow. Almost like what you see in movies when they're trying to represent "Heaven". 

In the dream she is sitting on the lounge couch we had in that room, wearing a purple sweater that I recall her wearing very often. I can only remember from when I walked into the office, I don't remember going there or anything. I sit on the couch next to her, and she smiles at me and says, so casually, "Hey! What's up!" I turn to her and say "Oh my god, it's you!" She smiles, giggles and hugs me.

I remember just cuddling her for what felt like maybe 30 seconds. Then she looks up at me and says "So hey, I gotta tell you something..."

And i wake up at that moment.

I had a second similar dream a few days later where we were at my house, and very same thing - the image of my house wasn't quite as clear and I don't think it was exactly my house, but it was the same thing - us seeing each other, me being very excited, her starting to tell me something, then me waking up. 

Dreams like this are torturous. It's almost as if she's trying to reach out to me from the other side. I've always been a little skeptical about the whole idea of other-side communication, but I'm also not completely closed off to the idea - I fully acknowledge there's things in the world we can't and probably never will understand, and maybe that's one of them. But I just wish so desperately that, even if in a dream, I could hear her tell me what I want so badly to hear. 

When she first died, I had dreams as well, and one in particular sticks with me - one of the last very vivid dreams I had of her back then. Again we were at work, and she was saying she had to go, very casually, as if she was just going home for the evening. And in that dream, I asked her "You still love me right?" And she said "Of course I still love you!" and hugged and kissed me. I almost feel like that dream was cathartic, it was one of those points where I think I started to feel myself pulling through a little. (I also had dreams early on in her death where I would have a vision of her scared and terrified and clinging on to me asking me what's happening... those were even more heart-wrenching)

Some say dreams are just our brain's way of processing things, others believe dreams can be a vector for spirit communication. I think maybe both are possible. I did have one negative dream of her recently, in which she tells me to "get over it" and "stop being jealous" and then calls some other person to go over to their house. I'd like to believe that one was my brain processing my own fears and insecurities, while the "white glow" ones were possibly a spiritual communication. I don't know, I really don't, but if it's true that there's something she's trying to tell me, I wish she could do it, I wish I could stay asleep just long enough to hear what needs to be heard. 

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dailystruggle

I'm definitely open to the communication.  When my husband had only a day left, we talked about energy.  It can't be made nor destroyed...it just changes phases.  Water to vapor to clouds.  A log to mulch to soil.  I don't belong to a particular religion, though I was raised Methodist, but I do believe that our loved ones are here in some form.  I haven't dreamt alot about Richard yet ( except 1 wonderful one where we were running together).  

It seems in your last dream things were loving, light and good.  And she would NOT be sharing heavy news starting, " So hey, I gotta tell you something".

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I agree with dailystruggle.

I haven't had many dreams with George in them, I don't know why, we were always together when we weren't working and so close, it's strange.

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I'm sure many of us have experienced this, but one thing I'm finding myself struggling with a lot for the past few days is other couples.

I have a close friend who is in a great relationship. He definitely loves his girlfriend, and she him. They live together, so whenever I talk to my friend, she is often in the background. He will almost "overuse" the word girlfriend. "Hang on, my girlfriend needs something... My girlfriend says this to what you said... My girlfriend is asking about dinner..."

I don't have the heart to tell him that after a little while, this ends up just rubbing a little salt on my wound. I truly am happy for him, he seems to have a wonderful relationship with her. And even the word girlfriend alone isn't the problem. But at the same time, when I hear over and over "my girlfriend..." it's just another reminder that, had my own girlfriend not passed on, I could be living that life too. It could have been me as well as him who were living with our girlfriends, planning tonight and tomorrow and next year together. 

My own girlfriend actually felt similarly, she said it was kind of annoying to her when people would overuse the boyfriend/girlfriend terminology. It wasn't that she didn't want to be acknowledged as a girlfriend, more that she didn't herself want to cause others the kind of feelings I'm describing. For her, using those terms on occasion was OK, but using them every time we refer to each other made her feel like she was possibly causing others distress. I really do see her point now. 

Even my other friends who are couples will often do endearing things together, share inside jokes, have a quick hug/kiss, etc. And lately, I find myself just aching at the heart when this happens. I am happy for my friends, but I hate being the only one who's actually dealing with the death of my partner, and especially with it affecting me this much three years later. I certainly don't want to be the one nobody wants to spend time around because they have to be "careful" around me, but I really do feel the loneliness almost every time this happens. 

 

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dailystruggle

fzald, Oh you bet.  Most of my friends have loving, warm relationships with their partners.  I hurts to see.  It's a bittersweet reminder of what has been taken from us.  The comfort, the simple gestures, even the good natured complaints.  It all hurts and magnifies my loneliness.

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Agreed.  I have found that I have distanced myself from those people, not on purpose, but because it hurts to be constantly reminded of what I have lost.  How different my life would be if Randy were still here.  Why us?  I've even searched my soul to try to figure out if I'm being punished for something I've done in my life.  I know it's an unanswerable question but I can't help asking it.  If they said to me, you can live 40 more years without Randy or 20 more years with him, I would take him.  Those thoughts are a waste of time, I know. 

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I don't want to distance myself, because these friends have been a rock for me throughout my grieving. They listen, offer whatever comfort and advice they can, and let me babble on and on about my girl for hours. One friend in particular was a good friend of my GF, so he especially is happy to talk with me about her.

But at the same time, they all do have their own relationships, their own happiness, etc. And I find myself not wanting to impose. There's only so long you can talk about how sad you are that your girlfriend died before you feel like maybe, just maybe, other people are feeling a little smug. Not even on purpose or maliciously, just natural human feelings. 

There are no words, no songs, nothing that can truly express just how much I miss my love. It's an emptiness and sadness that reaches to the very edge of human emotional capacity. Right now it seems to get a little bit better then a little bit worse each day. Two steps forward, one and a half back. And sometimes three steps back. 

I have another friend who asserts she has medium abilities and can reach out to those who have passed on. Despite my own skepticism, I'm considering doing a ritual with her, if for no other reason than to let out some emotion and maybe find the tiniest bit of peace. I'm not a hard naysayer, I do believe there is something greater than this Earthly life, and logically it would make sense that there would be some way to link the two worlds - sort of like how we can be half-awake and not fully aware but still pick up on things. I feel like it might be therapeutic if nothing else. I hope it will at least release a little pain...

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It IS hard.  There is a man that went to my church that is a handyman and I've hired him for small jobs.  I called to hire him for something relatively simple and his wife I could tell wasn't in favor of it, it's not me personally, she's that way with everyone who tries to hire him.  She is a personal friend of mine also.  I can't help but feel she doesn't have a clue to  what it's like to grow old alone and not be able to do these things yourself anymore, she doesn't know what it's like because she has her husband and he takes care of their place.  To further complicate things this is a small community far from the city and a shortage of people to hire.  She won't know what it's like until he's gone.  It hurts, it's annoying, but little can be done about it.  People don't seem to be able to put themselves in our shoes unless/until they've been through it.

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dailystruggle

KayC, yes.  My husband and I bought an older (1930s) house when I retired 4 years ago.  He LOVED it and loved working on it.  I'm clueless, but loved doing the gardening, cooking, decorating etc.  He did the best he could up until the last month before he died. Now" we/I "  have had power outages and maintenance issues. It's lonely and scary.

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dailystruggle

Rhonda,  I have had those exact same thoughts.  We were supposed to  spend the next 20 to 30 YEARS together.  He was such an athlete and so vital.  Yet, most of our friends are still going strong, and he's gone.  What did he do to deserve this?  He was always the kindest and most generous person.  What did I do to deserve this?  I know these are useless and meaningless questions.  I know they are petty and that others have suffered so much more.  Still.  My granddaughter asked me why I slept so far on the right side of the bed.  I hadn't realized that I still expect Richard to slide in where he belongs. I'm completely devastated,

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dailystruggle

KayC, yes I am.  We've had 2.  So surreal going through this alone.

Thank you for your prayers.

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17 hours ago, dailystruggle said:

Rhonda,  I have had those exact same thoughts.  We were supposed to  spend the next 20 to 30 YEARS together.  He was such an athlete and so vital.  Yet, most of our friends are still going strong, and he's gone.  What did he do to deserve this?  He was always the kindest and most generous person.  What did I do to deserve this?  I know these are useless and meaningless questions.  I know they are petty and that others have suffered so much more.  Still.  My granddaughter asked me why I slept so far on the right side of the bed.  I hadn't realized that I still expect Richard to slide in where he belongs. I'm completely devastated,

I ask myself those questions too. I've asked them since the day she passed. I still have our last text messages, her last voice mail to me, etc. There's nothing at all to indicate she was dying. The thing is, on one hand it's scary, because it's a reminder that no matter how good our health may be, we can still go at any time; but on the other hand, I still sometimes find myself wishing that maybe, just maybe, I'll follow her. That I'll have that sudden drop-dead moment, and I'll get to be with her. It's hard for me to think of all of the things I'd be leaving behind, but maybe on the other side none of that matters. Maybe we truly do shed any selfishness and heartache and grief when we pass.

My friend is going to try to do a ritual with me this week. I don't know what will come of it, but I am going to go into it with a good attitude. I'm normally very skeptical about things, but this is one thing I do accept - that we truly don't know what happens when we die. We can explain scientifically what happens to the body, but we can't explain what happens to our conscious self, our free will, the things a lot of people define as our soul. Even with all of the modern neuroscience, we still don't truly understand self-awareness and consciousness. Maybe that's the one thing about us that transcends earthly life - maybe our spirits do go on to another place, where we're all going to meet again someday. For me, even the smallest sign that she's out there, that she still loves me, that she is waiting for me...maybe that will at least help me start to heal once again, even if only slightly.

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I still have moments of doubt.

I still sometimes have a brief pang of pain, twisty stomach, etc. when I imagine even the remote possibility that my GF might have been with someone else, might have been considering someone else...

Over the past month, I've done basically everything one can do to disprove it. I've considered every possible avenue and have realized that the highest probability of any scenario is that the guy lied and nothing happened. But still, it's not impossible. And that's why I still seem to get pangs of hurt every so often. I really don't know why anymore, my friends and family have all repeatedly told me over and over how it is so unlikely so as to be not even worth considering. Yet, I do know my GF spent time with the guy, and I suppose that's why I'm still reeling at times. 

I still wish I could just erase that guy's statement from my memory. I wish I could pretend I'd never heard it. I wish I could forget it ever was said. 

And through all of this, I have found myself missing her more than ever. I am constantly flashing back to our time together. I'm right back to where going to certain restaurants or other places around town that we went to a lot is causing me extra grief. And the odd thing is I've been going to those places for a few years without her, but now all I can think of is "we used to go there". 

I wish I knew how to stop it. I wish I could just be OK again. I don't need to be "happy" right now. Just OK. Just able to wake up and go to work and do my best job. Just able to enjoy the little things in life, no matter how small, like I used to. Able to remember my GF as a loving, faithful, amazing woman who I was more than blessed to be given six years with. I hate myself for letting this guy's comment get to me. I am frustrated with my own emotional side. And above all, I miss my GF more than anything in the world. 

Rough night tonight. Cried a little and "talked" to her. I want to make her proud of me, I want to be OK like she'd want me to be. I thought I was doing good but tonight it feels like I'm back at square one...

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dailystruggle

Understood.  I've had days where I thought I was doing OK.  But this weekend was more than tough.  Truly. Wept all weekend. How do people live through this?

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19 hours ago, dailystruggle said:

KayC, yes I am.  We've had 2.  So surreal going through this alone.

Thank you for your prayers.

I pray this is over soon.  These outages are not a good long-term solution.  Something needs to be done about the infrastructure we have...they're saying we need to be prepared for electrical outages of two weeks...for me that means no water, no flushing toilets, losing all my freezer and refrigerator items.  I cannot lift or deal with a generator, last time I barely kept it going three days, our only road in/out of town was closed, I was cut off from the world, no phones, nothing, could not drive anywhere, couldn't walk anywhere.  What do they expect elderly to do?

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15 hours ago, fzald said:

Maybe that's the one thing about us that transcends earthly life - maybe our spirits do go on to another place, where we're all going to meet again someday. For me, even the smallest sign that she's out there, that she still loves me, that she is waiting for me...maybe that will at least help me start to heal once again, even if only slightly.

No we may not be able to prove anything to anyone else's satisfaction, but we can live with the hope within ourselves, that faith-based hope is all I have.  I know a lot of people speak of this or that religion as faith, that's not what I'm talking about here.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.  This is what I'm talking about.

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I thought I'd give a little update.

I'm doing as OK as can be expected, but I'm still missing my GF terribly. I do still think of her every single day, and I do love her still. I still have occasional moments of doubt, where I wonder if maybe she cheated, but on the other hand, I try to tell myself that it doesn't really matter... if she cheated, it can't change, nor can we "fix it together", nor can I ever actually know the truth. If she didn't, then that changes nothing, and puts me back where I have been for the past three years.

I'm finding myself struggling with day-to-day still. I am still struggling to embrace and feel the joys of every day. I find that the "worth it" is faltering. Like a defeatist or a nihilistic streak. We spend so much time working so hard on this planet to do these great things, and then we all die. And when I think of someone like my GF, so young and full of life, just dropping dead suddenly and so unexpected, I find myself asking "what's the point of anything?" 

I'm still finding myself wanting to sleep in, not go to work, and just generally not "do anything". Even sitting around thinking of her and our memories is not much of a relief. It's just an overwhelming feeling of "how is it possible... what does it mean... why am I here and she isn't..." etc.

I'm trying to take it one day at a time again, and I still feel like I've taken thousands of steps backwards. I am still struggling with being around other couples. I am still sometimes finding myself angry and hurtful that others are living their happy relationship dream and I'm stuck in this hell. When others talk about their GFs, I will sometimes try to tell a memory of my GF, and I'll get a clear sense that people are getting sick of basically hearing the same stuff. Since she's gone, I have no new stories to tell. Others do. I try to fit in at least a little by telling some of our stories, but I do feel that people are starting to tire of it. Not that they're malicious, it's just... you can only tell the same jokes and stories and memories so many times. 

I am only in my mid 30s. I was 32 when she passed. All the friends I have who are my age, even younger than my age, are all in relationships, discussing their long-term plans, one of them just got married. Sometimes I think that the comment that jerk made was just a catalyst, it just opened the floodgate of emotions that were going to come anyway whether he'd said it or not. Even though I'm "younger" than some of those on here, the "older" I get, and the more friends I have who get married, or get engaged, or even just have happy long-term relationships, the more lonely it feels. I should have been among those ranks. I was among those ranks for a while. But now I'm back to living the single life, with the added massive baggage of the death of a partner, in my mid-30s, and honestly sometimes afraid that I'll just be alive for a long time and alone the whole time. It's depressing in its own way.

I'm crying less than I used to, but I'm still feeling the pain and heartache, and these sorts of things only amplify it. 

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I can relate to everything you've written, even though I was twenty years older when he died...we'd only known each other 6 1/2 years, married 3 years, 8 months, it was way too soon and unexpected.

My life would be so different if he were alive.  That hits me often.  I don't want to live into my 90s, but alas my family does, I hope not.  It's been long enough.

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dailystruggle

Fzald,  Believe me,  I am right there with you.  I can't stand seeing couples of ANY age.  Simple things like my friend saying she asked her husband to hide the left over Halloween candy.  This time last year, I was doing the exact same thing with Richard. It amplifies my grief.  When I get together with our couple friends, it hurts to see the easy way they interact with each other.  It all just hurts.   Life seems cruel and capricious.  And yes, KayC, my life would be SO different if he were alive. This is hell.

I feel petty, but it is how I feel.  

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@fzald I am 36 so I hear ya. I am the youngest widow in my family. Everyone is married and still has their spouse. I am constantly reminded that my husband is gone. It sucks, really bad. We were ripped off, we should have gotten at least 40 more years with them. From what you’ve written on here, it sounds like ur GF was a sweetheart. I think she would want you to be happy. If roles were reversed, would you have wanted her to be depressed and miserable all the time? I know my husband wouldn’t want me to be so depressed, even though it’s only natural to feel this way. Listen to “dreams” by Dolf. Listening to that song helps me sometimes. 

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They might want us to be happy but we can't help but grieve, can we...and if roles were reversed, it would be them going through this.  They'd also be the first to understand how we're feeling.

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@kayc Yes, no matter what we still grieve. All the time people ask me "how are you?"  I usually reply "ok" even tho I feel like replying "How do you think? My heart's broken and i'm sad all the damn time." No one will ever know or understand this type of grief until they've gone thru it themselves. Its funny because when my husband and I would fight he would say "you'll be happy when i'm gone!" I would get so angry when he would say that. I would reply "no I won't, you think that, but i won't." I think about that sometimes when I'm feeling particularly miserable and I'll say out loud "See? I'm not happy, not happy at all." 

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On ‎11‎/‎11‎/‎2019 at 1:45 AM, fzald said:

I am still sometimes finding myself angry and hurtful that others are living their happy relationship dream and I'm stuck in this hell.

 

On ‎11‎/‎11‎/‎2019 at 1:45 AM, fzald said:

Since she's gone, I have no new stories to tell.

Yep....this pretty much describes me.  I'm angry and hurtful and telling the same stories over and over again. 

 

On ‎11‎/‎11‎/‎2019 at 11:17 AM, dailystruggle said:

When I get together with our couple friends, it hurts to see the easy way they interact with each other.

I get this reaction from any couple I see.  It's all just so hard. 

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1 hour ago, Jttalways said:

Yes, no matter what we still grieve. All the time people ask me "how are you?"  I usually reply "ok" even tho I feel like replying "How do you think? My heart's broken and i'm sad all the damn time." No one will ever know or understand this type of grief until they've gone thru it themselves.

So true.  I had to have a bit of that conversation with my dear sister-in-law (his sister) last night.  I said that I was so tired of people asking, in part because I have realized that there are literally no words to describe how I feel.  I mentioned that I had disliked the trite social convention of it long before now because 90% of the time people aren't asking how you are and don't want to know.  She said something like, "But you know that in the case of people who love you and care, they really do want to know how you are.  It's sincere."  I told her that as much as I understand the sincerity, the thoughts that come to mind are unpleasant and run along the line of "I lost the love of my life.  My life is in tatters and my heart is shattered.  I'm facing a future I don't want.  How the (really bad swear word) do you think I am?"  (I paraphrased and did not us the really bad swear word.  I don't do that.)

I find "How are you?" even from people who mean it to be as irritating as, "Let me know if there's anything I can do."  I have a knee jerk negative reaction to it.  My answer would be "Well, can you bring back my husband in good health?  No?  Then how about you offer to do something specific because you know my brain doesn't work right these days."  I am sick of people expecting me to reach out to them for help or comfort.  After decades of being the family care taker and care giver, I had rather hoped more people would bother to remember I actually exist.  Some do, of course.  Our tiny circle of family and friends are still there, but they have their own lives and I live a few hours or more away from them.  I get that it an be difficult to "do" something for me.  They do try their best.

But others who were friends have vanished.  A few I had to kick out of my life because their way of dealing with being uncomfortable with my grief was to pretend that my love never existed at all.  As if somehow he was a figment of my imagination and I was actually single for those 35 years.  As many of us have, I am developing a small second circle of friends locally--really local, as in on the same block--who are similar in background and age to my husband and me.  We were all already finally getting to know each other better, thanks to neighbors who started hosting block parties about 5 years ago.  Some of us have lived on the street for decades and had never gotten past, "Hi, so-and-so.  Nice weather.  How's work?" and other trivialities.  I find the concern and care from them, which started while my love was fighting, to be an unexpected grace in my life.

But man, if I never heard "How are you?" again, I'd be very happy.

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33 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

But man, if I never heard "How are you?" again, I'd be very happy.

Exactly. I will never ask someone who loses a loved one "how are you?" I'm good at compartmentalizing. I can be ok at work and around friends & family most of the time. I guess people expect me to be this sobbing emotional wreck, but since I'm not, they ask "how are you doing?" They ask so much that my automatic response is "ok." I am not ok. They don't know that every evening when I am home, I cry. They don't know that I hug my husband's wooden box urn while sobbing every night before I go to sleep. Only my son knows how much I cry. 1 day my mother was over and asked me if I missed my husband. I wanted to reply "what the (bleep) do you think? Just because I'm not a sobbing mess, you think I don't miss my husband?" It is so irritating. I come back to this website, to you all, because you understand. You get it. I don't get "how are you?" here.

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dailystruggle

A young friend of mine described our loss this way, and I thought it was unusually insightful .  He said that he visualized my loss as if my husband and I were two trees and grew together over time.  That eventually we held each other up. and we were strong together.  When one tree dies, the other is completely without it's support.  It's difficult to feel whole when your entire support, comfort and joy is suddenly just not there.  Then when your other supports go missing too, it seems impossible.

 Yes.  My neighbors and several family and friends have been amazing, and have been grace note in this painful new world.

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38 minutes ago, Jttalways said:

@dailystruggle I like that metaphor. Reminds me of this quote: “The death of a beloved is an amputation.”—C. S. Lewis

https://everydaypower.com/quotes-about-losing-a-loved-one/

Thank you for that link.  I had read some of those sayings before, but others were new to me.  Some of those quotes are good and touching, as well as being spot on.  (I've got to say though that I really had to "bite my tongue" reading a few parts of the introductory text.  Like "push past grief," "they're in a better place" "grow from the loss"; that sort of thing.)

We can always use more kindness and care, especially now.

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I especially like the Helen Keller quote, I need to remind myself of it often:

What we have once enjoyed we can never lose; all that we deeply love becomes a part of us.

Of course we do lose the ability to continue making more memories with them.

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