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I discovered my departed GF might have been unfaithful...


fzald

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Hello everyone,

I wrote on here nearly three years ago (January 2017) about my girlfriend who passed away suddenly. I had one heck of a grieving journey and this forum was quite helpful. As I started to pull through, I immersed myself in work and personal pursuits and, slowly but surely, felt a normalcy return. There is never a day that goes by that I don't think of her, but I was able to focus on positive memories, and when I spoke of her with others I would tell the stories of our good times. By the summer of 2017, I had reached a point where I could go on and move forward, remembering her fondly and still missing her but not wallowing in grief and pain. I lived my life in her memory, with a positive thought of her always ready to help lighten my day.

Until today.

A friend of mine was online in a group conversation with some people from the local area. I'm not sure how the conversation went exactly, but my GF came up in conversation. One of the participants said he had known her and missed her quite a bit. My friend asked me if I knew who this person was, and it turns out I did know him. He was a friend of my GF's that I had met on at least two occasions. Thinking it might be a situation where I could share some happy memories, I joined into the conversation. I wish I hadn't.

It started innocently enough. Talking about my GF in a general sense, the positive traits of her, things everyone misses - her smile, her laughter, sense of humor. Then he blurts out "Man, this is awkward, but I really miss her in bed."

My heart skips a beat. "...Excuse me?" I ask. "Yeah, she was one of the best I've ever had. I was kinda inexperienced at that time but still wow. I know you probably didn't need to know that but, you know." I'm now realizing something is very wrong. I ask "You slept with her?" He says "Well yeah, I mean we were dating for a couple months when she died." Huge moment of silence.

My friend's first thought is that maybe this is some sort of joke. Not knowing the other guy too well, he immediately jumped to "he's making it up dude, for all we know he was just jealous of you and her and is trying to f--k with you." But then the other guy started giving a few details that might just prove he isn't making it up. For one thing, he named a specific date on which he had visited with my GF and recounted a date night - where they ate, what movie, the fact that they slept together that night, etc. Needing to know, I checked my text message log for that day (I still have every text). She indeed told me she was "seeing her friend" that night. Then the next morning, staring me in the face, is a question that all but proves she was unfaithful - a question, innocent enough, that without context seems like fun conversation banter, but given this context, changes everything. 

We used to love to posit situations to each other (a "What would you do?" sort of game). Often those situations were absurd and exaggerated, but every so often we'd pose a real-life scenario as such a situation, just as a discussion opener. On the morning of the day exactly following the day the other guy claims to have been with her, she asked me a rather detailed scenario involving a girl in a new relationship having sex with the guy and he was having some trouble with performance and such. It was quite detailed, but she presented it as a hypothetical scenario as we often did for fun. I responded with something along the lines of "if someone isn't satisfying someone else, they need to communicate better" and so on. But the problem is her scenario had quite a few details that eerily corroborate with the other guy's story. "Say that the girl has only been with the guy for a month or so but they are so attracted to each other that they just can't wait to get into bed." And so on. 

I have no definitive proof of infidelity. Everything I'm looking at is circumstantial evidence, but things are matching up way too closely. The "only been together for a month" at the time of this "date" coincides roughly with when my GF started spending time with this "friend". There being "performance problems" coincides with him saying he was inexperienced. The fact that she presented such a detailed scenario exactly the morning after this guy claims to have been with her. I know I'm probably reading way into things, but I can't shake the distinct possibility she was being unfaithful right in front of my face and my trust and love for her blinded me to any warning signs.

My friend asked the guy right out "Come on dude, are you making this up? F and her were together for like seven years." He swears up and down he's not making it up, that they were in a new relationship and that he had no idea there was a relationship between her and I. 

I am starting to feel the spiral of grief all over again, but for a new reason. I have held with me an image of her, the positive things I loved about her, and I've kept those thoughts close to me throughout the years. Now I feel like even the positive memory I have of her is shattered, that everything I believed might have been a lie or might have been deceitful, I find myself questioning if there were other infidelities, and of course I can't get this image out of my head of her with the guy doing the deed. I start thinking of the times she told me she was going to visit her "friend" and now imagine that there was a lot more going on. Since I can never actually know for sure, this is even more complex than infidelity in real life. I will live the rest of my life wondering just how faithful she was to me. In this scenario, one person is the bad guy - either this other guy (he could be lying) or my GF. I'll never know which one is the dishonest one. 

I'm feeling the downward plummet again, and this time I'm really not sure what to do. I can't grab on to her memories for support as firmly as I used to. For the first time since she passed, I feel truly alone and separate from her. 

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I just went to the reply you made to your old post.  I'm new here so I didn't know your history, but... this is a real hit to the gut.

You have your feelings and the reassurances of friends on one hand. And you have this toolbag's boasting and her random questions on the other. 

To be fair, you're right, the occurrence of her questions looks bad, and you have no way to known for sure, ever, but... this guy's story feels wrong.

Who the hell blurts that out talking about a dead girl? And how does he not know you and her were dating? You had met, he knew you both. Someone's significant others tend to come up in conversation when someone dies (so how did he not hear about you?) I mean, it's possible but... it feels hinky. It really feels hinky. Everything about his "Man, this is awkward," lead up sounds like how a bad liar tries to sound casual.

I'm not a great writer or (a published writer) but I do write and it sounds like a very pat line of a bad liar.

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Fzald,

I can't even imagine how terrible this assertion must feel.  I think there is no way to really verify whether it is true, and it is not worth the time, trouble and heartache to try. 

If you are able, I recommend you focus on what you know is true, that she did love you. Remember those times when you had a great time together, or worked together to accomplish something.

You know in your heart that her affection for you was real.

Peace,

Gail

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11 hours ago, KeirKieran said:

I just went to the reply you made to your old post.  I'm new here so I didn't know your history, but... this is a real hit to the gut.

You have your feelings and the reassurances of friends on one hand. And you have this toolbag's boasting and her random questions on the other. 

To be fair, you're right, the occurrence of her questions looks bad, and you have no way to known for sure, ever, but... this guy's story feels wrong.

Who the hell blurts that out talking about a dead girl? And how does he not know you and her were dating? You had met, he knew you both. Someone's significant others tend to come up in conversation when someone dies (so how did he not hear about you?) I mean, it's possible but... it feels hinky. It really feels hinky. Everything about his "Man, this is awkward," lead up sounds like how a bad liar tries to sound casual.

I'm not a great writer or (a published writer) but I do write and it sounds like a very pat line of a bad liar.

My friends and family basically agree with this too. We kind of came up with a list of all the reasons it's probably not true:

* Nobody we've talked to was aware of a relationship between my GF and this guy. There are people who knew that this guy definitely had a serious crush on my GF, but I actually knew that even at the time I met him and I'd had a gentle convo with my GF about it, which she didn't take any offense to (we tended to be each other's spot-checkers in situations like this, just in case somehow we were oblivious to someone else's less-than-overt actions)

* Everyone DOES know her and I were together, and I had a ton of support getting through my grief from many people who were close with her.

* At least one person has said this guy has been known for starting drama and exaggerating things. I do know this guy and my GF were friends, and that they did spend time together, but the idea of them sleeping together is just too far out there.

* This guy has many other social awkwardnesses. I mean, for one, blurting out such a sensitive comment is one. And we'd been talking about my GF for quite a bit before that happened, and there's no way he could have been oblivious to the fact that I was with her, since obviously I spoke of her as my GF. If I were in his position and something like this happened, I'd have been far more tactful in how I presented it. I might have even asked to have a private conversation and gently reveal and discuss the situation. Certainly wouldn't blurt out something like that amongst a group of mine and her friends.

* The most telling reason, there were no signs from my GF during this time that would have indicated anything. As I've said, we worked together, and thus we spent lots of time together during the day, but even so she still continued to spend time with me on most evenings, she would bring up things she wanted to do together with me, we were making love, etc. It would seem that if you were being unfaithful, you would 1) probably not continue sleeping with your partner, 2) would show some signs of withdrawing from your partner, and 3) would definitely not introduce your partner to the guy you're cheating with, even if you were lying to him about your relationship.

The only piece of evidence that is suspect is her asking those detailed questions about sex in new relationships, and it is a little eerie that she asked that the morning after this guy asserts he slept with her, but it still doesn't prove anything. Again, even if you were presenting it as a hypothetical scenario, I can't imagine you would ask your partner about what you should do about the guy you're cheating with. (I don't know if I actually stated the entire scenario, but she actually presented the scenario of a new relationship involving sex, where one of the partners is unwilling to make effort to please the other, and whether I feel that is a good reason to be concerned and/or to break up the relationship. My response to her was that it depends on why the person isn't pleasing the other - if it's something, say, physical, you need to learn to adjust, but if it's clearly "I don't care about your pleasure" then you may definitely need to consider whether it's a good person to be with since if they can't show concern for your sexual pleasure, you could ask in what other ways they may not show concern for you.)

The worst part of all of this is that this is a question that can never be answered. To be fair, even if photographic evidence existed, there are all sorts of things that could have been at play - date rape for example. She can't defend the situation since she's gone. I'm now left to deal with processing and somehow reconciling all of this into my grief. The worst part is that I'm finding myself struggling to hang on to the memories of love and positive experiences that have carried me through my grief and brought me to where I am now. Every single person I've talked to about it says that they cannot believe that there is any possible way my GF didn't love me or didn't want to be with me, and that if anything did happen, the worst case is that it was a fling, she was caught off guard and perhaps wasn't mature enough (she was only 22 after all) to handle it properly, but regardless everyone still feels that she did see me as her true partner and lover.

I have to try so hard to hang on to that fact. I wonder if it's simply that this comment has brought to life an unspoken fear I've had in relationships (that of infidelity, because I'd been cheated on by two GFs prior to her). Every so often I'd have a bad dream or a nightmare in which my GF cheated on me, but then I'd wake up, realize it was a dream, and cling to a happy memory of our love and our time together. Now I'm having those same nightmares, but finding and grasping to that memory of love is so much harder, because now the seed has been planted that there is even the remotest of possibilities that there was dishonesty. And the thing is, that was ALWAYS a possibility, but it was something I never entertained. Why is it that one a-hole's comment can open such a can of worms and complicate grief so much further? ...

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Your situation reminds me of the movie The Descendants starring George Clooney. My husband passed away 2 weeks ago today. We were together for almost 17 years. Believe me, we had our fair share of bad times and questions of infidelity. In fact, our marriage was going thru a rough time right before my husband was diagnosed with leukemia. Once I found out my husband had cancer, I threw all the past BS bad sh*t out the window. Unless this guy produces a video of himself with your GF, looking sober and happy, you will never know the truth. IMHO, its a waste of time to dwell on this. Down the road, if someone were to tell me that my husband cheated on me, yeah i'd feel devastated, but at the same time it wouldn't change how much i love/loved my husband. I would still remember the good times we shared together. I believe that when we die, our death, pays for our sins. So any past transgressions my husband may have done against me, i forgive him. I know its devastating to think your loved one cheated on you, but ask yourself, if ur GF did cheat on you, and you had found out when she was alive, would you have broken up? Would you have forgiven her? And would you have still felt the same pain and grief after she passed? I think you would. I hope these words have helped you somewhat. Wishing you the best.

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30 minutes ago, Jttalways said:

Your situation reminds me of the movie The Descendants starring George Clooney. My husband passed away 2 weeks ago today. We were together for almost 17 years. Believe me, we had our fair share of bad times and questions of infidelity. In fact, our marriage was going thru a rough time right before my husband was diagnosed with leukemia. Once I found out my husband had cancer, I threw all the past BS bad sh*t out the window. Unless this guy produces a video of himself with your GF, looking sober and happy, you will never know the truth. IMHO, its a waste of time to dwell on this. Down the road, if someone were to tell me that my husband cheated on me, yeah i'd feel devastated, but at the same time it wouldn't change how much i love/loved my husband. I would still remember the good times we shared together. I believe that when we die, our death, pays for our sins. So any past transgressions my husband may have done against me, i forgive him. I know its devastating to think your loved one cheated on you, but ask yourself, if ur GF did cheat on you, and you had found out when she was alive, would you have broken up? Would you have forgiven her? And would you have still felt the same pain and grief after she passed? I think you would. I hope these words have helped you somewhat. Wishing you the best.

Would I have forgiven her if it happened and she was still alive? That would have to depend on how she handled it. If she approached me, came clean and there was obvious remorse or guilt, I probably would. I would have said there needs to be a long discussion about things, but I would definitely have commended her for coming forward and being willing to talk, knowing how hard that has to be for someone, and I would have found it in me to forgive, since I loved her so much. In fact I would have seen it as an opportunity for us to evaluate our relationship and figure out what caused her to feel the need to be unfaithful. I often read that cheating, if you can forgive and if it was an honest mistake, can actually bring people closer together in a weird way, since it forces you to actually figure out your relationship issues and address them.

But if she were more dismissive, victim-blaming, no remorse, being cold towards me, etc. then no, I couldn't.

Of course, with her gone, we will never know which of those two scenarios would have played out, assuming it's true at all.

I do know that there can never be a definitive answer to this. My feelings still tell me that she loved me deeply. My logic says it's quite unlikely this story has any credibility. But my fears are still there. It's more that I am scared that my own trust in her was misplaced, and that will of course damage my trust going forward. Blindly trusting someone is never easy, and being able to do it shows a level of dedication and connection with that person, and even the possibility that such trust was violated is just devastating...

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On 10/7/2019 at 6:32 AM, fzald said:

Then he blurts out "Man, this is awkward, but I really miss her in bed."

My heart skips a beat. "...Excuse me?" I ask. "Yeah, she was one of the best I've ever had. I was kinda inexperienced at that time but still wow. I know you probably didn't need to know that but, you know." I'm now realizing something is very wrong. I ask "You slept with her?" He says "Well yeah, I mean we were dating for a couple months when she died."

This really struck me as, well, odd. 

Why did he feel the need to blurt out something like that knowing it would hurt you?  That is not  the kind of thing a normal person would bring up ever.  Yeah, gee you didn't need to know that, but hey, I'm going to stab you in the back anyway.  Who does that?

Also, in 3 years he went from "kinda inexperienced" to her being "one of the best I've ever had" (as if she was just another notch on the bedpost, so to speak).  There's a cold calculation to his statements that makes me wonder if he is telling the truth at all.

He claims they were dating for a couple of months when she died.  How much time did they actually spend together that they could have been a dating couple?  The whole thing makes no sense to me.  Of course I realize people can be really good at hiding things, but still it's hard for me to get a handle on it.

Regardless of whether it's true, I am sorry this man has brought you so much pain and made you ask yourself so many painful questions.

 

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18 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

This really struck me as, well, odd. 

Why did he feel the need to blurt out something like that knowing it would hurt you?  That is not  the kind of thing a normal person would bring up ever.  Yeah, gee you didn't need to know that, but hey, I'm going to stab you in the back anyway.  Who does that?

Also, in 3 years he went from "kinda inexperienced" to her being "one of the best I've ever had" (as if she was just another notch on the bedpost, so to speak).  There's a cold calculation to his statements that makes me wonder if he is telling the truth at all.

He claims they were dating for a couple of months when she died.  How much time did they actually spend together that they could have been a dating couple?  The whole thing makes no sense to me.  Of course I realize people can be really good at hiding things, but still it's hard for me to get a handle on it.

Regardless of whether it's true, I am sorry this man has brought you so much pain and made you ask yourself so many painful questions.

 

I do know they were friends for quite some time, maybe 9 months or so prior to her dying, and I do know she spent some time with him, but the truth is she spent far more time with me.

In the midst of the situation, it's too easy for me to find "red flags", but most of those red flags are most likely nothing or are just me reading too deeply into the situation. I do know that she would sometimes say she had "a friend over" or that she would say to me "can we do X tomorrow? I'm busy tonight with something" without giving much detail, but then again I didn't push for much. I also do know she visited the city this guy lives in at least twice from December to her death, but she did have other friends in that place as well.

The point is, there are many elements that can either be bad or meaningless. There's things that happened that could be indicative of unfaithfulness, but that's only if you choose to interpret them as such - there's no hard evidence whatsoever. There's nothing that definitely says "my GF had a sexual relationship with this guy" other than his word. And if I choose to interpret her actions positively, it's easy to find things that show she wasn't being unfaithful and was truly still into me and loved me.

I just wish I had a way to stop questioning. I feel like I can no longer just assume the best of her as I always have. I can no longer remember her as one of the most honest, faithful and up-front people I've ever known. The fact that I can't even know for sure if my trust was violated is torture. In a way, having definitive proof would almost be a little easier, because then I would know for sure what I'm up against emotionally, but I just don't know. Nobody knows other than her and him, and she's gone and he's demonstrated he's not necessarily a very reliable source. Basically, I have only my own thoughts to keep me company, and even if I choose to make the choice consciously to ignore it and remember her the way I want to, I can't seem to shake this off. I wish I could. I don't know how to, and I fear it will be even harder than the grief itself, because at least with that, I knew exactly what I was up against.

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Yes, i remember that raw feeling of pain and heartbreak the 1st time your trust has been violated by the one you love. In my experience, the pain and hurt wears off in time. Plus, you have no way in knowing if your trust was violated by your GF. So i say ride this out, trust your instinct, go with the emotions. If you feel in your heart that your GF didnt cheat on you, then believe that. Its going to hurt right now because its fresh and new, but in time you may realize that you do not believe any of it, or that it doesnt matter or has very little significance on the love you shared. Also, I would try to not let this hinder any future relationships you may have. There are good and honest people out there and I'm sure this guy is full of it and that your GF was 1 of them. 

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The more I think about it, the more I realize - the issue with me isn't even really that there may have been a physical act of sex. It's more that there may have been an emotional relationship going on behind my back. It's that it is possible, however remote, that she actually was feeling love for another man.

Her actions don't really reflect this during the given time period. Like I said, she was spending more time with me than anyone. She was actively asking to do things together. There was lovemaking.

The more logical part of me wants to say "nobody, especially a relatively inexperienced younger person, is THAT good at hiding something so significant... if you truly feel something for someone else, there's signs that come through that are basically impossible to completely hide."

The fear in me says "But what if she could? What if she was trying to do polyamory without being upfront about it? What if she was just incapable of committing?"

I feel like I'm doing a cult-like chanting mantra to myself now. Every time I think of her possibly liking and being with someone else, sexually or not, I start forcing myself to think about the logic I mentioned. I force myself to try to remember a good time. But it still simmers underneath everything.

One thing I feel like I figured out though is, if someone had come to me and simply said they were dating my GF, even if there was nothing about sex said, I'd still feel this way. What I mean is that the part that hurts me, and the part that makes me feel betrayed, is the possibility that she was emotionally with someone else. A physical completely non-emotional sexual encounter? I could forgive that a lot more easily. But an honest "dating someone else" even if no sex? It's actually worse for me than just a random one-time sexual encounter.

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15 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Fzald,

I can't even imagine how terrible this assertion must feel.  I think there is no way to really verify whether it is true, and it is not worth the time, trouble and heartache to try. 

If you are able, I recommend you focus on what you know is true, that she did love you. Remember those times when you had a great time together, or worked together to accomplish something.

You know in your heart that her affection for you was real.

Peace,

Gail

Great advice!

I replied in your other thread already...

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I've spent most of the evening sitting here, thinking about the situation, trying to tear into it from every possible angle, and also babbling my face off to a few of my friends on the phone. There's one conclusion I do feel that I've come to. Part of me is worried this is temporary and that I'll be just as sad tomorrow, but right now, I'm trying to grasp and hold to the feelings I have right now.

I started remembering the earlier parts of our relationship - the parts during which there is absolutely no question about her love for me. I sort of replayed the highlights of our relationship, both the good and the bad, as if it were a movie. And through it all, I realized something. I rediscovered the deep, intense, soul-filling feeling of love I had and still have for her. It's the first time I've cried for her in a while, bittersweet tears of memories and happiness and love. And I realized that love for her is not weaker or distant, in fact it's as strong as ever, and it was right there all along.

And I realized and could admit to myself that even if I had discovered infidelity while she was alive, as long as she was willing to stop the infidelity and work on our relationship together, I would have been able to, and would have chosen, to forgive and rebuild. I have been reminded just how deeply I loved and love her, and how "we'll get through anything together" doesn't necessarily have to stop when someone dies. She had a great spirit and her bubbly, happy demeanor was infectious and contagious, but underneath all of her wonderful traits is a human being, capable of making mistakes just like any other one. I've read many stories about people who had an affair and then were able to use the realization of the love they still had for the other to actually strengthen and rebuild the relationship to be even better. This is what I would have wanted for us. 

And of course, we still have strong reason to believe it isn't even true - of course, that's all the better, because either way, I feel the love of her coarsing through me tonight, I feel bittersweetly sad and happy at the same time, but what I don't feel right now is anger or fear. I don't feel disgust at thinking that she might have been unfaithful. And tonight, I am missing her deeply, on a level I haven't really felt since 2017 when she passed. The pain I feel is because she's not here to fix it with me, for us to fix it together. And through it all, I wish so strongly, as strong as ever, that I could just hold her and tell her it's OK and that whatever it is, we'll fix it together. I wish I could show her the love that I still hold for her, and that even if it meant having to forgive something that borders on unforgivable, the love that carried us through the relationship and through some of the worst times and the best times could just maybe have gotten us through this too.

I'll never know. I'll never know if she did it or not. I'll never know if she had done it if she would have wanted to work it out. But I feel once again the love for her that pulled me through the worst of times with her both in life and death. And I want to keep that close so that our love can get us through even this trying time, even though she can't be here to do it together.

I'll probably need to refer back to my own post, because I am afraid of a roller coaster where I fall back down and get depressed or feel that disgust and anger again. But right now, I've finally found a bit of a calm. I've finally made a decision to let love guide. I just hope I can keep the demons at bay.

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I wish I could kill the demons. I wish I could stop that over-analytical stuff - "what if other friends she spent time with might have been affairs?" or "what if she wasn't being genuine about (insert thing here)?"

Those are the worst parts of my thoughts. My love for her is strong, but this is a battleground right now, not a peaceful stream. I loved her, I love her, and I really want to believe she did too. 

I had a great moment of peace a bit ago, but the demons were just on the sidelines preparing their next assault on the battleground. When the feelings hit I try to remind myself of the love, I try to tell myself to stop thinking about unproven possibilities that have no evidence at all (like other friends possibly being affairs). I try to tell myself that her love for me was real, was genuine, and that up to the end, regardless of what happened, she loved me. The demons are trying very hard to break me down. I actually feel physical stress at fighting the demons in my head. I'm going to go to sleep tonight, and I worry I'll wake up with the demons in full force. It actually takes a lot out of me, my performance with work and school is going to suffer and I'm afraid of it. 

And then I say "This is all because some jerk face had to spit out a completely inappropriate and unnecessary comment. Even if it was true, it would have been better left unsaid." I try to direct the anger at him mentally. I try to send the demons there. But the demons are also strong. They want to win, they want to do evil bad things and destroy good things. My GF could very well have had her own demons that wanted to destroy good things, but with two forces on the battlefield against them, we could have fought a harder battle. I have to fight this battle alone. And it sucks.

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11 hours ago, fzald said:

I also do know she visited the city this guy lives in at least twice from December to her death, but she did have other friends in that place as well.

Hm.  So he didn't even live in the same city you two did?  Honestly, that makes me doubt his word even more.  They were "dating for 3 months"?  How?  They didn't even live in the same place.  Sure, there's the whole "long distance relationship" possibility, but it seems strange.

No matter what, the damage is done and you are doubting her and yourself and what you had together.  I'm sorry you are going through this and that it has brought your grief back to the forefront.

1 hour ago, fzald said:

I'll never know. I'll never know if she did it or not. I'll never know if she had done it if she would have wanted to work it out. But I feel once again the love for her that pulled me through the worst of times with her both in life and death. And I want to keep that close so that our love can get us through even this trying time, even though she can't be here to do it together.

That is a very healthy way to look at it.  You know you loved each other.  Maybe focusing on that will bring you back to a better place emotionally.  From what you've written, it sounds as if she would have wanted you to be together.  I think your reasoning about working it out even if she had messed up makes a great deal of sense.  Let's say she did cheat on you, but came clean and asked your forgiveness.  Not everyone has a love deep enough to say, "Yes, let's figure out where things have gone wrong and work on the future."  Of course she would have had to earn back your trust, but that would have been part of the growth and healing needed in order for you two to be a strong and loving couple.

 

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I'm so sorry this happened to you.  It would be devastating.  How convenient for him and incredibly cruel to accuse her of something she can in no way defend herself from.  How do you know the situation isn't so detailed because he saw her text message to you?  How do you know he didn't pose the question to her about someone else and she ran it by you to get your opinion?  If they were dating when she died, I would think he would have expected to be more involved in the funeral.  Did he even show up?  If he did, he definitely knew you were dating so he's a liar. You don't blurt that out about your girlfriend on social media after she dies, if it's your GF, it's assumed you miss that about them and there is no need to tell that to anyone.  It's also not "awkward" to miss that about someone if you were in a loving and committed relationship.   What's disgusting is what he is trying to do to your relationship with her.  What's disgusting is that he would try to make you doubt her.  I know who I would believe.  Yes, I would have moments of did she because this other guy put it in your head and you can't ask her.  But, then I would calmly remind myself of all this other stuff.  You knew her better than anyone.  If you feel like you have to know the truth.  Are you still in touch with her best friend?  Tell her what this guy said.  Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.  But, before you do any of that, you need to ask yourself if you really want to know and if it really matters now. 

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You have very good insight and a way of really analyzing it, I have no doubt you'll get through this with your love intact.  My relationship with George began on faith in each other and it is the continuation of that faith in him and all that we had that sees me through this, that and continuing the hope of being with him again.

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1 hour ago, Rhonda R said:

If they were dating when she died, I would think he would have expected to be more involved in the funeral.  Did he even show up?  If he did, he definitely knew you were dating so he's a liar.

He did say during this conversation (before the bombshell) that he had attended the funeral and he did know enough about it that I believe he was there. There was actually little socializing when I was there, I mean people were talking but the majority of people came and went without saying much. I don't recall seeing him there myself, so it's possible he didn't see me there. 

1 hour ago, Rhonda R said:

You don't blurt that out about your girlfriend on social media after she dies, if it's your GF, it's assumed you miss that about them and there is no need to tell that to anyone.

This is what my friends reiterate to me - that even if it is true, there is no reason to say something like this. Since we were all having a conversation about her, and it was clear and evident that I was her BF, my friends believe that the only motive behind this sort of thing could be malice, because as I said, even if it's true, some things are better left unsaid after someone dies and that would have been one of them. 

1 hour ago, Rhonda R said:

You knew her better than anyone.

I do want so badly to believe this. I do feel like I did. The doubts, the demons, are the hard part, the doubt has been cast that perhaps I didn't know her as well as I thought I did. That's the struggle. I loved and love her so deeply that I trusted her more than anyone else, and if she lied to me in any way I would have believed it. She did tell me about "hanging out" with this particular guy, so logic would say that the average person being unfaithful would definitely stay far away from even mentioning anything about the other guy, but at the same time, she knew how much I trusted her, and it'd be even worse to think that perhaps she took advantage of that trust in such a way..

1 hour ago, Rhonda R said:

If you feel like you have to know the truth.  Are you still in touch with her best friend?  Tell her what this guy said.  Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know. 

Actually, during the conversation in which this happened, two people who were good friends of hers were present. Both of them told me that they have no knowledge of this guy and her having any sort of relationship. But, they added, "she didn't always talk about relationships much, so we can't 100% say for sure she wasn't hiding from ALL of us..." In fact, I'm not the only one suffering from this. The friends who were there are also reeling and struggling. None of us want to believe this accusation, but for all of us now the doubt has been cast. It's just particularly bad for me, having been her actual boyfriend. Restless nights and painful days are again the norm. It's like I'm grieving all over again. 

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so, we did hear from another friend that knew both my GF and the other guy. He said he definitely wondered if there might have been something going on between them, but he only ever heard the guy's side since he'd lost touch with my GF and had not talked to her as regularly.

This is exactly what he said: "I don't know if there was ever anything serious between them. All I know is that there was some attraction on his end. The way he talked about her led me to believe there could possibly be something between them, but he never actually said they were dating or sleeping together."

I suppose all this does is leave us exactly where we were - we knew for a fact that this guy had a thing for her, I even noticed it when I met him when she was alive. So if all he can confirm is that the guy liked her, that means nothing basically. We basically still have no direct testimony from anyone on her side that claims that this jerk's story is true.

I want to make a promise not to dig any deeper. Like the line in Revenge of the Sith: "If (into the security recordings) you go, only pain will you find." The thing is, it's like the Pandora's Box that you know you shouldn't open but it's sitting right there. There are other friends I could contact and ask. But I do feel that there's nothing to gain except pain. There are already many people who fully acknowledge that her and I were together and many who said they could see her affection towards me. I just need to resist the temptation to try to dig further. And to be honest, nothing can change anything at this point. Whether she did or didn't, she's gone and that can't change as much as I wish it could. If she were alive and we were together and I found this out, I think it would be absolutely imperative to find out the absolute truth, but I have to imagine that in this scenario there's nothing that can be done to make it better, it can only get worse if I dig further.

We are so often taught that burying your head in the sand and avoiding things is unhealthy, but perhaps it's actually not only healthy but necessary in certain cases - like this one.

And I need to find a way to hold on to the love, the feeling I had last night, that feeling of soul-filling love for her that I know is still there, that feeling that showed me that I could forgive her if I needed to. But sometimes it slips away, like this morning. And all I feel is despair. It brings back all the grief I felt before, the longing for her to be here, and trying so hard to make the happy memories I have of her happy again. I'm struggling to get through the day, I'm in a state of grief I hoped to stay away from for a long time. Issues like this complicate grief so much more-I had a previous breakup due to her cheating that left me grieving and devastated for many months, and I am now fearing that I'm going to be in this same perpetual state of grief for another several months...

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You know from your experiences with her that she was a good person and that she loved you.  You also know that this guy is a jerk for having said any of this.  A decent person would not have done this to you. 

So between a good person who  loved you and a certified jerk, I'd believe the good person. 

Try your best to write this guy off as a liar who just wanted to make himself important.  He is not important at all.

Good luck.

Gail

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1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

You know from your experiences with her that she was a good person and that she loved you.  You also know that this guy is a jerk for having said any of this.  A decent person would not have done this to you. 

So between a good person who  loved you and a certified jerk, I'd believe the good person. 

Try your best to write this guy off as a liar who just wanted to make himself important.  He is not important at all.

Good luck.

Gail

I believe that she was good to me and loved me. I want to believe the other guy was just screwing around.

The truth is we never really know what's going on in other people's minds. Is it possible she outright lied to the other guy and told him she was single, and that I was just "a friend"? Sure. That's the scary part. Not being able to know for sure if maybe the other guy isn't the jerk and maybe she was.

Thing is, it's the same in life. If she were alive today and I was still with her, and I heard this information, I'd be able to talk to her and confront her, and gauge a reaction. Without her, I can only choose what I want to believe. This means that sadly, the true test of my trust in her is happening now, nearly three years after her passing. This truly is a "blind trust" - there is no way I can ask her and watch her reactions. Anything that comes out today is hearsay and could have alterior motives. There were a group of people who disapproved of our relationship, and any one of those people might say bad things just to further what they see as their memory of her.

I have to keep reminding myself that her behavior near the end was not consistent with someone who was cheating. Yes she did go visit friends, including this particular friend, from time to time. But she told me about him, would tell me things he said and ask my thoughts, etc. She actively sought out time with me. She slept with me. She even would contact my mom for advice that, in her own words, "I can't ask my own mom because she won't understand."

I just wish this had never happened. I just wish that this guy hadn't had the balls to be such a jerk. I just wish that the doubt had never been planted in my mind, because for the past nearly 3 years I held my vision of her close to my heart, and was able to explain away anything that seemed out of place in a minor sense. Those few words from the other guy though opened up a chasm of questions and uncertainties. It's almost as if a worst fear was brought out into the open.

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There's no sugar coating this: this situation is awful. Just take your time and let yourself work through this new round of your mourning. 

You're shook and you have every right to be. I still say it feels fake, but you're right, there's never going to be full answer. Just focus on your love for her and let the rest process as it will.

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Well I'm finding a calm again tonight. Talking through this with friends and family has been extremely helpful. Even though I had decided not to ask anyone outside those who already know about this to try to probe for more details, my friends and I did consider some very good points:

* The other friend of the two of theirs who told us that there might have been something going on had said he was aware the other guy had a crush on my GF. He also said they talk frequently. But he also said he has no knowledge of an actual relationship or any specific actions between them. We realized: if this guy was talking with their friend so often, would he never at one point ever have mentioned that he was dating her? Maybe he wouldn't have mentioned intimacy itself, but this sleaze claimed he was dating my girlfriend. If you have a close friend that you were willing to tell about your crush to, would you not have mentioned "oh yeah, she agreed to go with me" to that same person? Given that this guy and I didn't really know each other, it couldn't even be explained with "he/she was worried it'd get back to me".

* When my GF did send me that text about a hypothetical scenario involving a new relationship, the specifics actually were revolving around bad unfulfilling intimacy, and she specifically had asked "is this something you feel someone should break up over?" In other words, she's asking whether someone who's not willing to work to improve sex is someone you should break up with. This is interesting for a few reasons: assuming it's not just total coincidence, this would mean that 1, whatever intimacy there might have been wasn't very good (kinda makes me laugh a little actually, because I know for a fact that ours was great for her) and 2, why of all of the people she knows would she come to me with that scenario? There were many other friends she could have posed it as a hypothetical scenario to. Even in the worst case, it could have been her coming to me to hear me tell her it's not good to do what she might have been doling. 

* Combined with last night's feelings, I realized even more, that I loved and trusted my GF to a level where, if she actually had come to me and said "hey, I kind of have the hots for this person and I'm having urges, what should I do?", that I might have actually been willing to discuss it with her - I wouldn't necessarily have immediately jumped to "no, you can't" if for no other reason than she'd have had the heart and the courage to ask me. This doesn't necessarily change too much - it still means that if anything happened, she did it without asking - it does mean that I know in my heart that I loved her enough to not only forgive, but to even be willing to discuss such a situation with her should it have arisen. 

Finally, as much as I promised myself not to look into things too much further, I did "cheat" and look at some text message conversations of ours. Some of the messages from the very end, prior to her death, definitely do show a concern and love for me. And it also reminded me that she had actually visited my house less than a week before she died, and I can say that intimacy was almost always part of the things we did when we had evenings together at one of our places. There is absolutely nothing, other than the scenario texts, that would indicate anything is going on with her. If she was actually emotionally cheating on me, there would have been many more signs. This leads to the conclusion that, even if she was doing something physical, it was almost certainly non-emotional. This is even furthered by the fact that if that hypothetical scenario did refer to this thing, she couldn't have been too deeply invested emotionally if she was 1 asking for my advice and 2 was considering ending the "relationship" enough to ask me if that's something one should do.

Each day I wake up and have horrible feelings and pain, but as I think things through and remind myself of these sorts of things and rethink the situation in a less negative way, I find these shimmers of hope and love. I also remember that there has not yet been a single person who has supported this other guy in his claims, and literally everyone I have talked to about it has immediately jumped to the conclusion that the other guy is lying, even the people on here. These are the facts that I try to hold on to, these are the things I try to remember when I feel down. 

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Have you written her a letter telling her what you want her to know? Like, you are willing to forgive if there is anything to forgive.  That you know her to be a good person that loves you, that you know she wouldn't want to hurt you, that you've struggled with what you were told, how you feel about it.

I would have a hard time believing George cheated on me because all of his actions for the 6 1/2 years I knew him were of his utmost love for me and he always had my best interests at heart.  Just because someone else says something doesn't make it so, for all you know this other person...it might be a fantasy in his head.

18 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

You know from your experiences with her that she was a good person and that she loved you.  You also know that this guy is a jerk for having said any of this.  A decent person would not have done this to you. 

So between a good person who  loved you and a certified jerk, I'd believe the good person. 

Try your best to write this guy off as a liar who just wanted to make himself important.  He is not important at all.

Good luck.

Gail

This.

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If he was really dating her he would have for sure mentioned it to this other guy.  He said they had sex in a group chat for Pete's sake.  If he really wanted her for his own and that was even an option, he wouldn't have worried about it getting back to you.  It's hard when your trust is shaken.  Especially in this situation, I would go back and forth at being mad and feeling bad for even believing it.  I understand why though.  When my husband and I first started dating, there were several women at work who were interested in him (we worked together).  Someone I considered one of my best friends didn't trust him and thought he was a "player."  She told me that he slept with this other woman at work while still married to his ex-wife.  She told me with who, when, where and the date.  She said the woman herself had told her that.  Pretty specific.  This caused all kinds of trust issues for me.  I didn't really know this woman too well so I wasn't going to walk up to her and ask her, least of all not at work.  Randy swore up and down that it wasn't true.  His friends all said it wasn't true and still I questioned it.  This was one of my best friends telling me this and she had so many details.  It finally came down to who I was going to believe.  I chose to believe Randy and that caused friend problems.  About a year after all this chaos, I had a chance to talk to this woman one on one and when I told her what I had heard she said it was absolutely not true.  This person who was supposed to be my friend lied to me and tried to come between my relationship with the man I loved.  Why?  Because SHE didn't like him.  Needless to say, she's not my friend anymore and never really was. 

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Rhonda,

Thanks for your story. It is so sad to think that people can be so heartless and cruel as to try to break up another couple just because they're jealous. The more I think about it, the more this seems to be the case. When your trust in something is shaken it just feels natural to go seeking information, but at that point you have a negative bias and look at everything in a bad light. It's almost like there's a sick part of us that wants our trust to be broken. In truth I think it's just a self-protective mechanism, we want to protect ourselves from being hurt, and when we have reason to believe someone might be hurting us we seek more details because we have such a strong need to know if it's a situation we need to distance from.

Example: This morning I was scrolling through a text log of my GF and I again, because I was seeking a little comfort and memory of our love for each other. It was only a couple of weeks prior to when this guy claims he had done it with her. And in this conversation, we were discussing our relationship, working through some issues, talking about how to improve things that needed improving and enjoying the good things. I just can't imagine she would actively discuss our relationship and how to improve it if she was interested in someone else.

Then I got taken for a spin. I found a later message, only a week or so before she died, where she was asking me about a very similar hypothetical scenario, but added in "you found out you got pregnant." Of course, my mind screamed and rolled around for a while, thinking oh my god oh my god, what if he not only slept with her but even knocked her up? I called my friend over lunch break and was freaking out over this possibility. Talked through it for a good hour. And then, I scrolled down just a little further in that message thread, and she'd mentioned she was going to the bathroom to change and that she was having bad menstrual cramps. I spent an hour or more worried about a hypothetical scenario she posited thinking it was real, and then it turned out it wasn't. This is the negative bias at work.

The one thing I always come back to, no matter how much something seems to hurt, is that I loved her deeply, and I still do love her. I always believed we could get through anything together, and I feel like it's just that it's being tested now rather than when she was alive, but it's still us getting through it together in a way. I even had considered - if she'd cheated and gotten pregnant would I have ended the relationship over that? And I realized, no, not necessarily - it would have been hard, but as long as she was still committed to me in the long run, I'd have been able to see it through because I love her and everyone makes mistakes. That sorta thing would be a bad mistake, but it's certainly a scenario that many couples have experienced and have stuck together through and made it. In fact any negative scenario so far is something that many couples have sadly had to work through, but still, many of those couples do find their way through by following their love for each other. I really can't believe that she didn't love me, even if something was going on. And that love would have gotten us through anything. Now, I have to allow the same love to pull me through alone, and keep her memory alive in my mind in a good way.

I'm more angry at the other guy now, for not only throwing me into this roller coaster, but for being so offensive to her memory. Regardless of what mistake she might have made, if any, she has passed on and deserves a certain level of respect, and part of that would be not blurting out such intimate facts without provocation to a group of people on the Internet. Of course I've talked about some of our intimate moments, but that has always been with my most trusted close friends and family. I certainly would never tell any of her other friends who I was not close with already about such things. And I can't believe anyone would think it's appropriate to do so, true or not. It's especially heinous to lie about something like that, but in either case, it's an insult to her and her memory and to our relationship. And that's just cruel.

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@Rhonda R  Wow.  I'm so glad you didn't believe her, can you imagine if you'd let it go the other way and missed out on the love of your life!  We do need to have faith in them...not to ignore red flags but if it comes down to who to believe, I would have believed George...some people just earn our trust.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

@Rhonda R  Wow.  I'm so glad you didn't believe her, can you imagine if you'd let it go the other way and missed out on the love of your life!  We do need to have faith in them...not to ignore red flags but if it comes down to who to believe, I would have believed George...some people just earn our trust.

The sad truth of life is that trust is blind. Anyone can break trust, no matter who they are. Sometimes the people who seem the most trustworthy are those who would be the first to break trust. But this is why trust is earned and not given. 

I trusted my GF completely. I trusted 100% that she would never be unfaithful, and that if for some reason she was feeling anything towards anyone else, that she would come and talk to me about it. The pain of this situation is in the potential violation of my trust - with no definitive proof and no way to absolutely verify the facts with her, I can never know if my trust was actually broken or not. Many signs would point to that it was not, but the nagging doubt is unfortunately now present and is not going to go away easily.

I know that there are many, many couples who have experienced an infidelity or some other major violation of trust, and with hard work together they learn to rebuild that trust and in some ways it becomes even stronger. Had my GF been alive and had she told me (or had I found out) about an infidelity and she was willing to talk about it and work on it, I would have been able to work towards rebuilding that trust. If she had taken the high road though and tried to excuse things away or make it my fault, I would have had a much harder time being able to forgive. The fact is, even among those two scenarios, we don't know which would have played out if this scenario had ever come to life.

Everything is a bunch of what-if's. I can repeat to myself all day long that I'm sure it's nothing, I'm sure this guy is just a piece of work who's trying to start drama, I can repeat to myself how much I love her and how much I believed in her, but the nagging doubt is there. Until the day I was told this information, I never had any reason to doubt her. And with one sentence, a guy on the Internet was able to destroy me, even if for a while. I'd like to say "don't let him do this to you, he doesn't deserve to have this kind of effect on you". But again, the nagging doubt is there. There are unfortunately some weak pointers that indicate that it may not be 100% false that I've already discussed, and while they can be easily explained away, it's right back to not knowing the truth. 

I've never been a hugely religious or faith-based person, and I have always been one to ask "why" and demand concrete answers. This is a test for someone like me - to have to believe on "blind faith" that something did or didn't happen even if there may be weak evidence to the contrary. It was a huge leap for me to put my deepest of trust in her, but it wasn't accidental, it was because of her actions and her love towards me. I didn't develop that trust on my own, it was something we built together, so to imagine she might have broken it even for a temporary fling is horrifying. And since I can never know the actual truth, this is quite possibly one of the first times in my life I've had to face a true unknown alone, one that actually has no final answer, one that nobody who's willing to be honest actually knows the truth about.

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I can online imagine the angst you've been having,fzald. And you are right, you have to face a true unknown alone, and actually can have no final answer, and it's really a very bad feeling. I understand this nagging feeling of wanting to know the truth.

I faced something similar too and then everything just crumpled on me, I did not know what to believe anymore. People would say focus on what you know is true, that he truly loved me, our love was true. But at some point and still from time to time, I don't know if I can believe it is true or not too.

It is really a very horrifying feeling and a mixture of the wildest emotions, some that I never knew I could have for my whole life.

I even reflected on myself, if I would have die today, would people around me would eventually find out sides of me or lies that they never knew of. Probably yes. Would it make them feel betrayed like I do now? I guess it's possible too, and then I will not be there to work things through with them which I can imagine now must be frustrating. Then I wonder if his "spirit" is still here, does he feel the same frustration and despair that he can't work things through with me?

Probably nothing I said is useful, but I would like to say take care of yourself emotionally and physically. With this kind of nagging feeling, horrifying doubts and emotions, it may erode your health before you knew it. I was, and before I knew it I was admitted into hospital for operation, got infections out of nowhere that only explanation is my immune system was compromised.

After all, they're gone and we still have to live. I might not be making the healthiest choice, because I am just putting my head into sand and try not to think about it at all. But pay attention when the negative emotions get too overwhelming.

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It definitely is a mixture of emotions and it seems to come and go. I can find a calm where I remember my GF as the loving partner I saw her as, I can reminisce about the good times as I have been doing for the past 3 years... but then that nagging doubt, demon-like voice will show its ugly head again and bring all my fears and doubts back. 

I wish I had more control over my feelings here. There are times, like right now, that I can easily say "there's no way this happened, there's no way she could do something like that". And I can remember her the way I have been. Her memory can make me smile and give me the strength it always has. But then other times, thinking of her will bring sadness, pain, feelings of broken trust and deceit, and all the horrible stuff that comes with it. I end up remembering her as a bad GF who either was too selfish to be faithful or who was cruel enough to deliberately violate my trust.

A lot of my grief healing has been wrapped around the fact that I believed that our relationship would have endured had she not died, that we would still be together today and that we would make it through the best and the worst of times. This guy's single comment has called that feeling into question, and I think that's why it's so hard. I just wish I could go back to where I truly did believe that our love would have endured and had she not passed, we would have grown old together. That thought has been such a strong healer for me throughout the grieving process, and to have it snatched away is just unbearable.

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dailystruggle

My beloved husband died in July.  He was the absolute  best thing that ever happened to me.  Fun, protective, and ( I thought ) 100 percent loyal.  He was my rock.  After he died, I looked at his email.  One, dated 5 years earlier, was an apology to a mutual friend for his " stupid behavior".  I was devastated.  I called her immediately .   Essentially, she said that he had "hit on her".  He said that he could be her distraction while she was going through a divorce. She was a friend. I KNEW they have coffee together,  But instead of just saying that, she gave me a lot of lurid details that did not ring true.  Needless to say, that complicated my grief. Big time. I questioned EVERYTHING.  We had SUCH an amazing marriage.  Friends asked US for advise.  His previous wife was unfaithful, so loyalty and trust were a cornerstone of our relationship.  None of our mutual friends thought that her version was accurate...nor kind.  Running madly to a therapist, she asked me, " If  this had revealed itself while he was alive, what would you have done? What would he have said?".  What was he behavior like during all these years? Of course, first of all,  he would have had a different side to the story. Distraction? We kayaked, rode bikes.... lots of things that could be interpreted as a distraction.  It's UNFAIR to our departed spouse to believe something that they can't  respond to. Second of all, we would have worked it out. I KNOW what we had. It was pure, amazing, and so very wonderful. So, I need to take the "evidence" like I would if he were alive.  I need to talk to him, and know that I know him better than anyone else.  I need to honor our relationship and the the perspectives of our friends.  Does it still rear it's ugly head? Unfortunately yes. You bet. Painfully.  I can totally understand you coming to terms, then questioning again.  We have no real closure!!  Can I contain it? It's getting better and better. I hope for you, and me, and we can hold dear to what we KNOW. Not what is implied or how others ( our twisted friends. who does that to a grieving spouse??)  interpret things. Know, also, that our loved ones were human.  They did the best they could.  Did they love and adore us? Yes, you know that to be true. Absolutely.  Might they have strayed into the wrong lane somewhat? Perhaps. Perhaps not.  Did they self correct. Yup.  They were with US.  Hang on to what you KNOW.  Not the "what ifs" not the "what did they mean by that?".  That can drive you crazy.  We only know what we KNOW. You had a wonderful relationship .  You can't talk to your gf. There is a void there.  Nature abhors a vacuum and we tend to fill in with the worst case. Believe me, I know.  But, you  KNOW what you had. So do I. Trust yourself. Trust yourself.

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1 hour ago, dailystruggle said:

It's UNFAIR to our departed spouse to believe something that they can't  respond to.

Thank you so much for this. This is the truest thing I've heard in this struggle. 

1 hour ago, dailystruggle said:

we would have worked it out. I KNOW what we had. It was pure, amazing, and so very wonderful. So, I need to take the "evidence" like I would if he were alive.

If I dig deep into my emotional core, and find the love that I shared with her, the love I still feel for her, I know this to be true. Lots of couples face struggles, and unfortunately sometimes those struggles are the result of bad decisions or mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes are especially heinous, but I loved and love her, and I do believe she loved me, even if I question it at times in this moment. I wouldn't say our relationship was "pure" - we certainly had problems - but "amazing and so very wonderful" does describe us. We'd been through some pretty tough times together - nothing quite as internally devastating as infidelity, but there were some minor "emotional abuses" that occurred throughout our nearly six years together, and we always found it in us to learn from the negativity and grow and flourish. I really do want to believe that, even if there had been something horrible, we would have been able to do the same. Sometimes it's just finding the strength to feel that when the doubt creeps in and starts to consume you.

1 hour ago, dailystruggle said:

Know, also, that our loved ones were human.  They did the best they could.  Did they love and adore us? Yes, you know that to be true. Absolutely.

This also. I never expected perfection from any of my partners, especially not my GF who died. I did expect honesty and integrity, but never perfection. And of course, that means I could not expect perfect honesty or perfect integrity. I learned through the trials of life that nobody can ever be expected to be perfect at anything, and that as strong as we may be and as intelligent as we may be, we have weaknesses that others may seek to exploit, and it's sometimes only in having those weaknesses tested that we learn they even exist, and also learn how to strengthen ourselves against them. 

1 hour ago, dailystruggle said:

Hang on to what you KNOW.  Not the "what ifs" not the "what did they mean by that?".  That can drive you crazy. 

The strongest fear in this kind of situation is that something we knew to be true might suddenly not have been true. It shakes the entire foundation of your own existence, your own sense of self and the world around you. When it's even suggested that something you hold true might not be true, you struggle to reconcile with it. I believe this is why some people become highly offended and defensive when scientists question certain religious beliefs. For you, someone made a statement that caused you to question your husband's 100% faithfulness - very much the same as I. In my case it's a bit more blunt, since the guy made a direct statement rather than something that could be deconstructed and interpreted differently - he vehemently claimed to had been dating and sleeping with her. But I think the same rules can apply, and the same fears are at play. Regardless of how direct or indirect, the suggestion that some part of the person we loved and love, some part of them that we held so dearly, might have been either ungenuine or outright wrong, is so devastating. It makes you even question what you "know". It makes you think that maybe you didn't know anything

But for me, there is one thing I do know. Regardless of what might have happened if anything, my girlfriend did love me. I'm not sure if there were questions or doubts in her mind, I'm not sure if she actually would have been considering another relationship, but I do know that we had a nearly 6-year-long relationship, and there were many happy moments along with a reasonable sprinkling of painful and trying moments. The truth for me is that if I can know for a fact that I would have forgiven her in the worst of cases (infidelity), then I should be able to get through this. The reality though is that, with so much now having been brought into question, I find myself struggling to maintain my position that even in the worst of cases she would have desired to work things out with me and fix any mistakes she might have made. We can talk about "you don't fall out of love that quickly" or "you can't just leave a 5 year relationship and wash your hands clean", but I still find myself struggling to not doubt that there might have been something sinister at play here. 

1 hour ago, dailystruggle said:

 You can't talk to your gf. There is a void there.  Nature abhors a vacuum and we tend to fill in with the worst case. Believe me, I know.  But, you  KNOW what you had. So do I. Trust yourself. Trust yourself.

But this is true. I don't know why we tend to always assume the worst, why we fill voids with the worst possible things. This started with a single comment, that could easily have been fabricated, and has turned into questioning the very foundation of our love. I know what I thought I had, I know that I have trusted that belief until now. And I know I need to find my way back there. I just wish it wasn't so trying. I wish I could grab on to the love and hold tight, just like I once held her tight. I wish I could wrap the trust I had in her around me and let it warm me up. I wish I didn't have to think about the worst case scenarios. I wish so many things, but I think tonight, what I wish most of all, is that my GF were still here, to reassure me, to console me in my pain, to remind me of how much she loves me, and to help me get through this. That's a wish that will forever remain unfulfilled as long as I still walk this earth. 

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It is so strange in a way. It almost feels like I'm back there in February 2017, missing my GF so much. For the first time since she died, it doesn't even feel like it's been very long. It does not feel like it's been over two years. It feels like she left only a short time ago. It feels like I could almost reach into the fourth dimension and pull myself back just a little tiny bit and see her alive again. It's a strange feeling I haven't had since that time. The memory of her, even those little things like her scent and the sound of her voice and the feel of her against me when we hugged, is suddenly so fresh and brilliant in my mind as if she only died yesterday. It almost feels like the last two and a half years were some sort of rip in time and I was just shot forward from February 2017 to today. It's almost surreal, and it's also quite agonizing. Until now, I'd "accepted" that she was gone, but never let her memory die, but now, I again for the first time in over two years have that "just out of reach" feeling with her. As much as I do and also don't want to know the truth of this situation, what I want most of all tonight is just one more day with her. One more day, to say all of the things that were never said. One more day to clear out any of the little things that any relationship goes through. One more day to once again experience the beauty of her love and our love combined. One more day to just hear her say the three magic words "I love you."

I think it's something we all wish for, but it's a strange feeling for me, since it's one I haven't had in over two years. Raw grief and longing and yearning all over again. 

I'm going to try to sleep, and I hope I won't be awoken by horrible dreams yet again...

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6 hours ago, fzald said:

A lot of my grief healing has been wrapped around the fact that I believed that our relationship would have endured had she not died, that we would still be together today and that we would make it through the best and the worst of times.

This thought, for me, has been what has helped me in my continued belief in George even though he's dead and we can no longer talk things out.  It is faith in him, and has nothing to do with religion.  The Bible describes faith in an apt way, a way I've come to know...Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.  George and my relationship was built on faith and it is not surprising to me now that it continues on it.

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

This thought, for me, has been what has helped me in my continued belief in George even though he's dead and we can no longer talk things out.  It is faith in him, and has nothing to do with religion.  The Bible describes faith in an apt way, a way I've come to know...Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.  George and my relationship was built on faith and it is not surprising to me now that it continues on it.

My relationship was built on faith and trust. This is the biggest challenge that has been thrown at that trust in our entire relationship, even when she was alive, and yet in the worst of times, she's not here to help me. I know I'm repeating myself, but I just wish it wasn't so hard to fend off the demons - the fears and doubts that have been cast thanks to this jerk. Even though I can logically deduce that what he said was almost certainly a falsehood, the more emotional side of me can't shake the demons off. 

The thing is, it has always been a possibility. We never ever actually know 100% what our partner is doing. I read a statistic that argued that up to 40% of couples have an infidelity issue during their relationship - they were including non-sexual and online-only affairs as well, possibly explaining why the number is that large. The possibility that my GF was unfaithful has always been there, even when she was alive. But the trust and love I had for her is why I never feared that it might have happened. That same love and trust carried into her death, and I channeled it into my grief healing. And since then I've lived my life with her in my heart, and I've lived for both of us. The love you share after someone dies is different but yet still the same. And then along comes this guy who makes an assertion that, if it is true, destroys so much of the trust that I had in her and the faith I had in our relationship. And the struggle is that she's not here to fix it with me. She's not here to either denounce or confirm the accusation, and if it is true, she's not here to work through it together with me. 

My grief has slightly shifted - I'm really now just missing her, very much like I did right when she died. It's like that flashback movie of the happy times you shared that plays over and over when someone dies, but it's happening almost three years later. It's feeling the void of her absence more acutely and more painfully than I have since she died. And it's now combined with the possibility that there was something unfaithful going on. There are times I feel a little anger and want to yank her from the other side and say "Explain this jerk's comment, right now!" I let the anger flow, but it never lasts very long. The best way I can sum this up is that I feel like I'm experiencing a breakup AND a death at the same time. As if someone had broken up with you for someone else and then died the next day. And yet I still don't have any concrete evidence that anything like that even was on the table. 

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The last card my husband gave to me said, "Remember, faith is hope and trust without proof."  Seems fitting here. 

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2 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

The last card my husband gave to me said, "Remember, faith is hope and trust without proof."  Seems fitting here. 

It also has to be "trust even in the face of weak evidence to the contrary." That's the struggle I face now. There was no proof of any wrongdoing, only very, very weak testimony from one person and some purely circumstancial stuff from our conversations (her asking about sex in a new relationship or uncommitted sex around the same time this guy claims it happened). There is however proof of a relationship between us - serious conversations about our future, discussions in which we work through issues together, etc. 

Again, logically, if you weigh the 6 years of relationship we had together and all of the good signs I was reading near the end, and weigh that against one comment from one dude on the Internet (even though he did know her and even though it is well established he liked her), it's clear that the long-term relationship we shared should grossly outweigh his comment. The thing is, we all know that humans are fickle. We know that even when someone is happy in their relationship and has no plans to leave it, sometimes we go astray and bad things happen. So unfortunately I can't logically deduce that there is no chance that she did this, no matter how much I want to. 

That leaves faith, as you said, which is the struggle I've faced. Like I said though, I clearly did have faith in our relationship when she was alive and have had faith in what it stood for since she passed. But in life, whenever something challenged our relationship and it was brought to both of our attention, we would do what needed to be done to fix it. That might mean talking for hours, it might mean backing off for a day or two to collect ourselves and then talking, it might mean apologizing, whatever. But we always did. So the idea that there could have been something that she felt she could not share with me is heartbreaking in and of itself, and that's what has challenged my faith in the relationship we shared. 

Through it all, I still feel love for her, probably now more intensely than I have since she died. I miss her. Some folks here are just starting down their grief journey, some have been here for many years. I feel like I'm back near the early stages of my grief again, and through all of the potential feelings of betrayal and all that, is just this yearning and longing to hold her again, talk to her again, and reinforce that faith I had in our relationship. For a long time when I first grieved, I couldn't look at our conversations and photos and such. I just filed it all away. And then slowly I was able to start looking back on those things and smile, those things were part of what helped reinforce in my mind that she was real and she loved me. Now, I look at the same photos or conversations and find myself trying to discern whether anything was dishonest or potentially indicative of a bad thing. I hate that feeling. I hate the feeling that I might have viewed things through rose-colored glasses, choosing to interpret things in a positive way when perhaps it wasn't as positive. 

I want so much just to know without any doubt that it didn't happen, or that even if it did, it was a one-time incident with no emotional involvement that we could have worked past together. If only I had a way to know this for sure, I could find my happiness again. I could be silently angry at the guy who said this horrible thing. I could continue to honor our relationship and our love without any doubts and without any fears or hesitations. If only I could know for sure that it isn't true. If only, if only.

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Oh my God, I miss her.

In some ways, it feels like the closer I get to a resolution of this situation, the more the raw pain and grief of her loss comes back up to the surface.

It's almost as if this guy split open the wound that had mostly healed, exposing all of the raw feelings of pain and emptiness. 

When I think of positive memories to try to reject this horrible accusation, I find that it just makes me miss her all the more. I've probably thought of her this week more than I have in any one week since mid 2017. My efforts at pushing the demons away, albeit sometimes futile, are just re-opening the wound further. And I'm finding myself falling back to a point of consuming feelings of nostalgia and that feeling of lost future and emptiness that I had at the beginning of grief. 

I know they say grief never ends, but it evolves. And I know they say you can actually move around between grief stages. But I had all but finally come to an acceptance of her loss, a point in my life where I was able to think upon her memory for a brief moment, maybe feel a tinge of sadness, then move on with my day. Now, I find myself constantly thinking of her. Whether it's the demons trying to do evil things to her memory, or me fighting back with the good and the evidence against the bad, she's now basically front-and-center in my thoughts and it hurts so much. 

Sometimes I'll read a little snippet of conversation in which she is showing me so much love and affection, and in which I know there was truth. Reading that passage helps punch the demons down a little, and brings me back from the black despair pit that the demons try to pull me to. But at the same time, the memory of how strong her love was, how true it actually was in evidence, just adds a little more salt to the grief wound - I know that someone who loved me like she did would either never do what was accused, or if in the worst case something did occur, she would have eventually come to me and we would have worked through it. Tonight I thought of a point that might actually fully invalidate the guy's story, and it's actually helpful to think of it, but at the same time, it just means I miss her even more and that my yearning and love for her has resurfaced in a very big way. 

Even with her having been gone for almost three years, I still wish more than anything tonight that she was here for me, that we were here for each other. I wish more than anything that I could feel her arm around me, and hear her voice telling me it's going to be OK and that we'll get through it. I wish I could hear her laugh, see her smile, and feel the glimmer and shine of her presence in a room. The closer I get to knocking out the demons, the stronger my yearning and pain for her loss becomes. It's agonizing in a totally new way.

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On 10/11/2019 at 9:00 PM, fzald said:

It's almost as if this guy split open the wound that had mostly healed, exposing all of the raw feelings of pain and emptiness.

That's exactly what he did.  Although I don't believe our wounds of deep grief ever heal completely, they can "scar" over as we are better able to handle the changes forced into our lives and as we can remember and smile about all the wonderful things, large and small.  So now you are forced to confront your pain once again as raw and heavy as it was in the beginning of your grief journey.  I'm very sorry that this happened to you and your dear love's memory.

This man, who I believe is lying based on everything you've told us, ripped open all the pain and anguish that you have been learning to live with as you try to move forward.  I don't say this lightly because I don't hate easily, but I feel hatred and disgust about people like him.  What a horrible excuse for a human being.

More and more I realize how very lucky I have been not to have anything like this happen.  Of course my husband had serious girlfriends before we met.  I had had two serious boyfriends, one of whom proposed, but I knew it wasn't right.  When my love finally asked me out me (after a bit of gentle nudging by me), he was very casually dating someone, not exclusively, as was I.  After our first date, that was it.  We both told the other people that we were sorry, but we had found "the one."  Less than a year later, we were married and never looked back.  Sure, we had our moments, our times of "What was I thinking?" and sometimes angry words, but I could always feel the thread of love.

Please, I urge you to keep in your mind how your love treated you, what she said and did with you, and try to remember all the good and loving memories.

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19 hours ago, fzald said:

Even though I can logically deduce that what he said was almost certainly a falsehood, the more emotional side of me can't shake the demons off. 

 

17 hours ago, fzald said:

It also has to be "trust even in the face of weak evidence to the contrary."

So that leaves you with...is your struggle because of one jerk's assertion or is it because she died and therefore can't reassure you.  If she was alive and able to tell you she was faithful, you would undoubtedly believe her and move on from this.  It comes down to faith or feelings...which is your choice.  Yes, feelings can be a lot to contend with, but they also are not a good barometer, they can be false.  Feelings can be wonderful or devastating.  I don't like to trust them for a solid base because of that, they are too fickle.  Too many uncertain things can affect them.  I choose to believe in what George and I had/have together, it was tested through time, I knew him, I know what we had/have.  I believe after death there is a continuation of our relationship.  Yes in the eyes of the law we are no longer married, but our love for each other continues regardless, we connected in such a special way and neither the death of his physical body nor the passage of time does anything to alter that.  It's been over 14 years since I have seen him but I know if he walked through the door, we would hold each other as if no time had passed at all.  All would be well.

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9 hours ago, fzald said:

Now, I find myself constantly thinking of her.

But that's how it is...we have ups and downs, it's been almost three years, yet it took me a good three years just to process George's death, for it to sink in, it had been such a shock.  It really seems a roller coaster, sometime okay, sometimes consumed.  There hasn't been a day since June 19, 2005 that I haven't thought of him.  I live with it, but always he's in my mind, whether in the back of it or forefront and center.  Things sometimes bring it back to forefront, as if it was day one almost!  But the processing isn't undone, it's still there, it's hard to explain adequately, until a person lives this, they can't know what we've experienced.  There are no words for grief, we try but words are limited at best.

I hope you work this out within you to where you are okay again...you know what I mean, not okay as if it ever is okay, but okay as in you are getting through your day alright without being consumed by these questions and doubts.  I went through my share of that when contacted by George's ex a year after his death, I had to work through all that in my mind...what was I going to choose to believe?  Because it always boils down to a choice, a choice when they are alive, a choice when they are dead.  Do we have faith in them or do we not?

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8 hours ago, KayC said:

If she was alive and able to tell you she was faithful, you would undoubtedly believe her and move on from this.  It comes down to faith or feelings...which is your choice.

Absolutely, if she told me it wasn't true and didn't show any signs of being dishonest, I'd have believed her. There was nothing significant enough happening in our relationship to give me reason to doubt it or to think there might have been foul play. But you're right, there's a faith component in all of this. I think about religion - almost all religions are partially based on the idea of believing in something that cannot be observed or directly evaluated. We can't prove beyond any doubt whether there is a God, whether there is an afterlife, etc. but we can choose to believe such things for comfort, strength and character. And in such a case, when someone questions the belief, people tend to hold even stronger to the belief they have, and are able to easily reject the beliefs of others who may question their beliefs. The thing is, if this had been presented to me when she was alive and I'd asked her and she denied it, I'd have believed her because of the faith I had in our relationship. I would have actively and easily rejected the claim. I don't understand why I'm finding it so much harder now that she's gone. 

I find myself wavering between two extremes: pain at the potential idea of her not having been faithful, and pain at the fact that she's gone and I'm alone without her. The latter is what I experienced during the initial grieving when she passed, and in some ways I'm starting to fall back into that obsessive thinking about her and yearning and longing for her. I had found my "new normal" before this started, that place where I could miss her but not be obsessed or extremely sad over it. I could let the feeling of missing her flow through me, remember a happy time, remember that I'm here and I'm living for both of us, and then move on. Now, I feel like I've majorly regressed, back to where I am consumed with thoughts of her, missing her, etc. I was even thinking back to the earliest days of our relationship, when we were so much in love and there was no question whatsoever about her feelings for me. And even later, there were obvious signs that we had a good relationship despite those issues that all relationships sometimes face. 

So why can't I be just like those folks who reject people who try to destroy their beliefs? Why can't I just say "this guy's an idiot, I know what we had, I know it's not true"? Why can't I just decide to believe it's not true and that's the end of it and I can go back to being able to live happily with her in my heart but not obsessively thinking about her being gone and pining? Why do I find myself pulling out old photos and message conversations and such, and then just being sad and upset all over again? I feel like reading our messages and such is a form of validation, seeking of evidence that our relationship was indeed very real and that she indeed loved me, but then I find that once I find that validation, I just get sad and miss her and wish she was still here. 

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dailystruggle

My beloved husband died in July.  He was the absolute  best thing that ever happened to me.  Fun, protective, and ( I thought ) 100 percent loyal.  He was my rock.  After he died, I looked at his email.  One, dated 5 years earlier, was an apology to a mutual friend for his " stupid behavior".  I was devastated.  I called her immediately .   Essentially, she said that he had "hit on her".  He said that he could be her distraction while she was going through a divorce. She was a friend. I KNEW they have coffee together,  But instead of just saying that, she gave me a lot of lurid details that did not ring true.  Needless to say, that complicated my grief. Big time. I questioned EVERYTHING.  We had SUCH an amazing marriage.  Friends asked US for advise.  His previous wife was unfaithful, so loyalty and trust were a cornerstone of our relationship.  None of our mutual friends thought that her version was accurate...nor kind.  Running madly to a therapist, she asked me, " If  this had revealed itself while he was alive, what would you have done? What would he have said?".  Of course, first of all,  he would have had a different side to the story. Distraction? We kayaked, rode bikes.... lots of things that could be interpreted as a distraction.  It's UNFAIR to our departed spouse to believe something that they can't  respond to. Second of all, we would have worked it out. I KNOW what we had. It was pure, amazing, and so very wonderful. So, I need to take the "evidence" like I would if he were alive.  I need to talk to him, and know that I know him better than anyone else.  I need to honor our relationship and the the perspectives of our friends.  Does it still rear it's ugly head? Unfortunately yes.  Can I contain it? It's getting better and better. I hope for you, and me, and we can hold dear to what we KNOW. Not what is implied or how others what to interpret things. Know, also, that our loved ones were human.  They did the best they could.  Did they love and adore us? Yes, you know that to be true. Absolutely.  Might they have strayed into the wrong lane somewhat? Perhaps. Did they self correct. Yup.  They were with US.  Hang on to what you KNOW.  Not the "what ifs" not the "what did they mean by that?".  We only know what we KNOW. You had a wonderful relationship .  You can't talk to your gf. There is a void there.  Nature abhors a vacuum and we tend to fill in with the worst case. Believe me, I know.  But, you  KNOW what you had. So do I. Trust yourself. 

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dailystruggle

My guess, and we are all guessing, is that :

1:  This made you question your reality, and

2. It ripped off all the work you've done over the past 2 years.  

The scab has been removed and you are raw again.  Not only are you raw, but your comfort zone, your foundation has been fractured.  

Realize that when you are grieving that you are at the peak of vulnerability.  The person that you turned to for comfort is GONE. My husband would be the first person that I ran to for comfort...even if it was about him.  Especially if it was about him.

 Then, this thing presents itself.  If you had your loved one to turn to, if you could ask her.... if might be nothing.  Or it might be something that you need to work through.

Of course you're ripped open again.  Of course you have a hard time letting go of it.  It is a perfect storm.  

I'm getting professional help dealing with this.  Be gentle with yourself.  Get support and give yourself time.

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I feel like the calm moments are getting a little longer now, but those gut-wrenching moments still persist. 

Sometimes my mind runs away with itself. I occasionally have a moment where I have a horrific picture in my head of my GF with this other guy (I met him, I know what he looks like, so I can actually picture it). I of course know how my GF reacted and her mannerisms when it came to the bedroom, so I end up with this gut-wrenching, horrific image of her and him doing things, and her reacting the way she would react.

I know that if she were alive, and if she told me it happened, and if she told me she still loved me and wanted to fix it, that I would forgive and fix it with her. 

I know that if she were alive, and I heard this information, I would go to her and ask, and believe her answer. 

I know that if she were alive, I could tell her how it was making me feel. I could express the anguish that I feel knowing that this might have happened, even if it is likely it did not. Sometimes just the knowledge that something might have happened, even with weak evidence, is enough to bring you to your knees, and that's where I am right now.

But I also know that there is still just that small chance it did happen - there are enough pieces of evidence that could lead to it having happened. Each of those pieces of evidence however has an explanation, something that, if true, makes it such that it didn't happen. But we don't know. We don't know the truth. I can never know the truth. I can never know what happened. I can never know what didn't happen. 

This honestly may be the first time since she was alive that I have been "tested" - that my faith and foundations have been attacked. It certainly is the first time I've had to rely 100% on internal faith. When she was alive, I had faith, but it was accompanied by her and her companionship, so I could go to her when things got rough - she was my rock, my foundation. We were each other’s. Now, I have nothing but myself. And that quite possibly is the lonliest feeling of all in grief - the feeling that you have nothing, nobody to fall back on, nobody to turn to who can give you the answers you so desperately crave, nobody who can just "make it all better" like our lovers could when they were alive.

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8 hours ago, dailystruggle said:

My beloved husband died in July.  He was the absolute  best thing that ever happened to me.  Fun, protective, and ( I thought ) 100 percent loyal.  He was my rock.  After he died, I looked at his email.  One, dated 5 years earlier, was an apology to a mutual friend for his " stupid behavior".  I was devastated.  I called her immediately .   Essentially, she said that he had "hit on her".  He said that he could be her distraction while she was going through a divorce. She was a friend. I KNEW they have coffee together,  But instead of just saying that, she gave me a lot of lurid details that did not ring true.  Needless to say, that complicated my grief. Big time. I questioned EVERYTHING.  We had SUCH an amazing marriage.  Friends asked US for advise.  His previous wife was unfaithful, so loyalty and trust were a cornerstone of our relationship.  None of our mutual friends thought that her version was accurate...nor kind.  Running madly to a therapist, she asked me, " If  this had revealed itself while he was alive, what would you have done? What would he have said?".  Of course, first of all,  he would have had a different side to the story. Distraction? We kayaked, rode bikes.... lots of things that could be interpreted as a distraction.  It's UNFAIR to our departed spouse to believe something that they can't  respond to. Second of all, we would have worked it out. I KNOW what we had. It was pure, amazing, and so very wonderful. So, I need to take the "evidence" like I would if he were alive.  I need to talk to him, and know that I know him better than anyone else.  I need to honor our relationship and the the perspectives of our friends.  Does it still rear it's ugly head? Unfortunately yes.  Can I contain it? It's getting better and better. I hope for you, and me, and we can hold dear to what we KNOW. Not what is implied or how others what to interpret things. Know, also, that our loved ones were human.  They did the best they could.  Did they love and adore us? Yes, you know that to be true. Absolutely.  Might they have strayed into the wrong lane somewhat? Perhaps. Did they self correct. Yup.  They were with US.  Hang on to what you KNOW.  Not the "what ifs" not the "what did they mean by that?".  We only know what we KNOW. You had a wonderful relationship .  You can't talk to your gf. There is a void there.  Nature abhors a vacuum and we tend to fill in with the worst case. Believe me, I know.  But, you  KNOW what you had. So do I. Trust yourself. 

Thank you for sharing this, and for your following post.  It shows much grasp of the situation and handling of it.  I would think if I went through this that I would need that professional help, so I'm glad you were able to get it.

Yes, fzald, faith is important in our relationships, whether they are alive, but especially when they have passed and we can no longer talk to them.  Faith is something we can grow through our practice of it's application.,

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Anyone have an opinion on this?

For the past couple of days, I've been spending probably too much time looking at our old conversations, looking at photos of us, and so on. They bring me a strange comfort, almost a reassurance in the love we shared, and further helps me resolve in my head that she was not unfaithful. 

But at the same time, spending this much time looking at our old memories is bringing me a new kind of grief pain, very much like what I suffered when she first passed, but in a way even worse. It's almost like she's "alive" again, so close but just out of reach. Prior to now, I'd "accepted" that she was gone, in fact long gone, but I never forgot about her. I've always spoken of her on occasion, sharing a single happy memory here and there. I've often taken a brief moment to feel the grief again when I pass by her house or visit her favorite restaurant. But these moments of grief were not disabling and all-consuming, they weren't preventing me from moving forward. 

It really feels like my choice comes down to this: grieve her death again, all the memories, etc. or grieve our relationship because it might not have been as genuine as I'd thought. 

Naturally, my faith brings me towards believing in her, believing that the other guy is completely full of it.  And maybe with some time the fact that this thing was said will just fall into the background. 

But right now I feel like I'm depending too much on "her" again. When I feel really down, I take a look at some of our photos or memories, and I feel better for a while. I can actually sort of function. But it's only a matter of time, maybe an hour or so, before the demons creep back in and I "attack" again by again looking at our photos. I fear this might be a crutch. After my GF died, I actually couldn't really look at these things at all because it just made the pain even more raw. Now, I feel like in making the choice to believe, I'm using these memories to fight the demons of doubt, but in so doing I'm re-opening my own wound, bringing back the acute pain of her absence. To "heal" from this pain the first time, I avoided torturing myself with these mementos, but now I feel like I need to lean on them to keep the doubts away, but won't this make the recovery even harder...

It's kind of like, I believe you, let us talk about it. I believe you didn't do this, help comfort and reassure me. In life, of course, she'd be able to do that. In death, all I have are our memories. And I feel like I'm clinging to them a bit too much. Would anyone agree? Is there a better strategy for coping with the pangs of emotion that pop up at the most inappropriate times and are disabling enough so as to bring me back to what feels like the earliest stages of grief?

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dailystruggle

I'm guessing that this has thrown you, as it did me, into a complicated grief.  It's full of anxiety and doubt.  Nothing has helped me more than finding an excellent therapist . What was nice about her, as opposed to friends and family, is that she was objective.  She also gave me some coping strategies when I couldn't keep my mind and heart from looping around. I would highly recommend it.  I still have "dark nights of the soul", but it feels much more manageable and I feel much more hopeful.

Good luck....

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I had another talk with one of my friends who also was close to her. He finally said he had something he needed to day. I'm going to have to paraphrase a little, but this is how I could sum it up. It sounds a little crass, but it might have more truth than any other advice so far, and sometimes someone needs to slap a little sense into you. Here's how I can phrase what was said:

"You've not really healed man, you never did. You've been living since 2017 as if she were still alive. Even before this happened, you talked about her way too much for someone who's actually healed at all. You absolutely were using your memories of her as your crutch and I could tell because more than half of what you talked about was her. The fact that one accusation could shake you so strongly is proof of this.

"Trust me, I still absolutely do not believe she would have ever been unfaithful to you, but even if we were to entertain that she might have strayed, that doesn't have to change that she loved you. I really cannot believe she ever had any intention to leave you. If, big if, she did screw up, she would have come to you and you two would have worked it out. And, I know for a fact that regardless of what she might or might not have done, she wouldn't want you to be suffering now. She wouldn't want you to be grieving this long. She'd want you to move forward. She would have had to hate you in order for her not to care about what happened to you, and I absolutely promise you man, she didn't hate you, she loved you. You were her closest companion. She wouldn't have spent so much time with you and been so involved with your life up until the very end if she didn't love you. Of course she would want you to remember her, but she wouldn't want you to obsess over her.

"You know how she was afraid of what might happen to you if she had to leave you... well, unfortunately, she did have to leave you and not by choice. Don't let her fears become true. Show her that you're going to be OK without her. Show her all the forgiveness for any imperfections of hers, big or small, proven or unproven, that you'd have shown her in life. Don't let her down. She does need you now, more than ever, but what she needs is for you to truly be OK."

I think this speaks for itself... It's another night to cry, but maybe this monologue can actually help me along just a little bit more. 

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dailystruggle

Fzald,

Your friend is very wise. It sounds as if he knows both of you very well.  Try to take of few of those quotes and stick them around the house.  We don't get through this without that kind of friend. 

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