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Something I am grateful for


MODArtemis2019

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MODArtemis2019

Sometimes I reflect on the aspects of our situation that I'm actually grateful for. A big one is that from the beginning of my husband's two-year battle with cancer, I had no question in my mind that I would be there for him 100%. We were partners in fighting the illness like we were partners in everything else. Yes there were times we quarreled about things, even after he got sick. But I never had a single doubt that I wanted to be him at his treatments and in the hospital, and most important, when he died. His death was traumatic for me and I suffer from the memory. But I was there, holding his hand, and I could not have been anywhere else. 

Our 13th anniversary is in two days. I'm grateful that we had our years together, not as long as some, but it was a lifetime for me. 

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Artemis,

Im sorry for your loss. That’s exactly how I felt when I lost my wife in April. We did everything together. I was her caregiver for 2 1/2 years. I don’t think a lot about wanting more years to much. I’m to damn grateful, blessed and honored to have gotten the 6 1/2 years we had together. Through radiation and chemo and all the doctors visits, we became even closer. We lived, laughed and loved! I miss her terribly. Can’t wait to see her again.

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With time I have come to appreciate these things as well. 

I didn't appreciate it for the first couple of years of my grief. But I do very much cherish it now.  I am even grateful that I was able to be by his side through that terrible time.

It is good to reflect on what we can be grateful for. 

Peace

Gail

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P.S.   While I do greatly cherish that I was able to be by my love's side as he died, there is a lot of fear associated with my being alone in my "golden years".

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I wasn't able to be with my husband when he died and that will always haunt me.  I was there at the hospital with him, it was me that ran for help when he started having a heart attack, but then when they were working on him, a nurse (I've dubbed the Ice Queen) threw me off the ward and locked the door behind me.  I found a small room and was there praying for him when four doctors started coming towards me about an hour later...and they didn't have to say a thing, I knew.

Even with the memories of him dying, I am glad you got to be with him.  It breaks my heart that that was taken from me/us.  It is good that you are able to think of something you are grateful for.

8 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

it is also a source of great anxiety for me, knowing that he will not be here for me when I need him. There is a lot of fear associated with being alone in my "golden years".

That is also a huge anxiety of mine...growing old alone is hard.  Even now I am late getting my colonoscopy because I have no one to drive me.  Having the burden of always having to make all of the decisions is hard.  I've been doing this for over years now and I'm getting sick of it.  My mom did it for 32 years but us kids were there for her, mine don't live here.  My friends are older than me, many don't drive, it's me there for them, not the other way around.  I get your fear, I live it. 

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16 hours ago, Artemis2019 said:

Sometimes I reflect on the aspects of our situation that I'm actually grateful for. A big one is that from the beginning of my husband's two-year battle with cancer, I had no question in my mind that I would be there for him 100%. We were partners in fighting the illness like we were partners in everything else. Yes there were times we quarreled about things, even after he got sick. But I never had a single doubt that I wanted to be him at his treatments and in the hospital, and most important, when he died. His death was traumatic for me and I suffer from the memory. But I was there, holding his hand, and I could not have been anywhere else. 

All I can say is "ditto."  I could have written that word for word, including having quarrels from time to time even during his cancer journey.  We're humans, after all, and that's part of living with the people we love.  Watching my sweetheart take his last breath, waiting and knowing it was coming soon, is a memory that will haunt me all my days.  I have not told a single person in my life about it except the one family member my age who lost her husband about 4 years ago.  She too was there at the very end and understands that gut wrenching, soul chilling moment.  I would never in this world or any other not been there with my husband through it all, even though during the last weeks in the hospital and rehab, there were a few days when the doctors sent me home for the rest of the day and night.  I went because I knew he would be there the next morning.

The day before he died, we were getting ready for him to come home on hospice because we had surrendered to inevitable.  I said I was going to go home in the evening to finish getting the house ready and would see him early the next day.  He had been on comfort care for 2 days and was starting to have trouble talking, but he said, "No" and kept shaking his head.  I asked if he wanted me to stay instead and he said yes, so of course I did.  I think he must have felt something change and deep down knew that we wouldn't be going home together.  Early that next morning they moved us to a large private room with a beautiful view of his favorite courtyard and fountain. (Our very small local hospital is set up so that all rooms have nice views.)  I looked at his nurse and asked, "We're not going home, are we?"  She was trying not to cry and could barely answer me.  So he spent his last day with me in a space that was calm, peaceful, and far more like "home" than the regular hospital rooms.  Every minute of that day is etched in my heart and memory, but I would never have left him, never.

12 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

it is also a source of great anxiety for me, knowing that he will not be here for me when I need him. There is a lot of fear associated with being alone in my "golden years".

Yes, me too.  I have a couple of friends who feel the same way.  One is divorced and in her early 70s, the other is in her early 60s like me.  I've realized that I no longer fear death and don't really want to live another 20 or 30 years because my husband won't be here with me.  But I do have massive anxiety about the years ahead, however many they are.

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foreverhis, You are very fortunate to have gotten to be with him at the end, I wish more than anything that that horrid nurse hadn't thrown me out and locked the door behind me...yes I knew they were working on his heart, I knew what they entailed (my dad died of a heart attack) but I would have focused on him, being there for him, instead of what they were doing and I think it would have meant a lot to him to have had me there with him, we were always there for each other, why did I have to be deprived of that at the end?

I'm glad also that they gave you both such a peaceful room so you could have your last bit of time together.

To be physically shoved out and door locked behind me when I was his Little One and he wanted me there...there are no words.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

To be physically shoved out and door locked behind me when I was his Little One and he wanted me there...there are no words.

No, there are no words for what they did to you and George.  It was so wrong on so many levels.  You deserved to be there so he could hear your voice and be comforted by it.  It makes me so angry that you were literally forced out the door.  I'm sorry the medical staff didn't understand or wasn't compassionate enough to allow you both the final moments of love together.

As painful as the memories are, they are mine to bear because he was everything.  I've written, but never sent, an email to our daughter describing what it was like.  She does not need to have those visions haunt her, but I had to put it all down "on paper" to help me just keep breathing those first months.  He deserved so much better than life threw at him (and us).  You and George deserved so much better too. 

I know I am lucky that my husband and I came together when I was still so young because we had more time together, even though I still look at couples who are clearly much older than we were and get upset about why they are still together, while I am alone.  It's funny in a way as I look at the young adults I know in their early 20s because I see them figuring out who they are, starting their grown up lives, and wonder what on earth possessed me to think I was mature enough to get married at that age.  OTOH, my sister had just turned 23 and was literally right out of college when she married her wonderful husband.  They're still married and happy decades later.  I guess we simply never know when that one person, our soul mate, will come into our lives.  Regardless of anything else, I know we are lucky that they did and that we jumped in with our whole hearts.

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

I wish more than anything that that horrid nurse hadn't thrown me out and locked the door behind me...

OMG I cried when i read this. I feel for you Kay. They kicked me out of ICU the last time my husband was conscious. I didnt even get to say goodbye, kiss him or anything. I had no idea the next time i saw him he would be intubated and sedated. I wish i had told them to shove it, i wish my face was the last face he saw right before they sedated him. I was with him when he passed away, but since he was unconscious, i will never know if he heard me or knew i was there. 

On 10/6/2019 at 5:04 PM, Artemis2019 said:

We were partners in fighting the illness like we were partners in everything else. Yes there were times we quarreled about things, even after he got sick.  

Ditto. Word for word. 1 year & 8 months i was caregiver, but probably longer than that. I spoiled my husband so i guess i was a caregiver even before he got sick.

On 10/6/2019 at 10:01 PM, Gail 8588 said:

There is a lot of fear associated with being alone in my "golden years".

I worry about this also. I dont want to remarry and I cant even contemplate being with someone new, but i do worry about being alone. That there's no one there that wants to hear about all the little unimportant things that went on in my day. Sure there's family and friends, but we know its not the same. 

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On 10/8/2019 at 3:36 PM, Jttalways said:

That there's no one there that wants to hear about all the little unimportant things that went on in my day. 

Jttalways, 

This is one of the biggest things I miss, the sharing of minutiae.  We would share details of our lives that absolutely no one else in the  world would care to know. 

We were just 2 old fuddyduds living a happy, peaceful life, sharing our observations and minor achievements with each other. I miss that so much!!!

Gail

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20 hours ago, Jttalways said:

I dont want to remarry and I cant even contemplate being with someone new, but i do worry about being alone.

When my MIL passed, my FIL made a close friend with a woman and they were companions the rest of their lives.  Not romantically involved although he told me he loved her, he never told her.  He knew she didn't want to remarry.  They were there for each other through surgeries, they bowled together, had a large group of friends together, and it honestly was a lifesaver for them both.  My kids considered her like a grandma although I never asserted MIL role to her, my MIL was my best friend and I just couldn't do that, but I do care for her and although my husband and I divorced 19 years ago, I still have contact with her and the rest of the family.

Sometimes just having someone to talk to or do things with and be supportive of each other can mean the world.  Right now I don't have that and I'm sure missing it.  I wouldn't rule it out though if it presented.

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The subject of " gratefulness " caught me...I wanted support to lean stronger on my gratefulness ( as I do have MUCH to be grateful for ) ....but currently I wallow in deep sadness.  I didn't know which response to specifically select ....as each one struck a cord from my life too.  Yes, I have thought of my future alone...if I become ill ...how will I manage ...emotionally and physically ? I am grateful that I could be there for him .   When I think back on the intense 2 years of Winston's care....so many desperate moments throughout ....often fearing " is this the last time we speak ?" We were both worn to the bone...which evolved to me feeling guilty after he was gone ( did it do enough , etc.). There's the daily reminders that trigger me the most now......" if Winston were here " .....he'd fix this, he'd prevent this, he'd know what to do, he'd help me feel better, he'd understand the problem......he'd be the best soul mate anyone would wish for....and he was mine.  Every day I'll see a lovely couple ....I'm happy for them...but equally pained because that is gone for me.  Every day I pass camper trailers on the highway usually with a retired couple....and think....we will never have that joy of camping or road trips that we often loved.  No more sharing daily trivia with the one who really " gets you, really loves you, enjoys you and all that you share ". I believe it has to get better over time.....but so far....I'm too blinded by tears .  

On a hopeful side.....I learned about a "Widow Camp " and a " Grief Cruise "  and signed up for both....hoping a different environment of this type may be helpful ?  The first one is soon.....November 7th. I'm worried about pulling this off by myself....but at least for one crazy moment....I thought I had to do something . 

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I don't think it's incongruous to have both sadness AND gratefullness, coexisting within us.  This grief is an odd thing, all kinds of emotions can be within us at the same time, all of them very valid..

My friend Lynda lost her husband three years ago.  She is still mourning him but made a friend/BF and he moved in with her, it helped her loneliness, but he passed away night before last, she found him.  Our pastor went over to be with her and stayed with her while the paramedics, etc. came and took his body away.  It's like it's happening all over again and the loss of her husband is now fresh with this one on top of it.  I can't imagine.

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

It's like it's happening all over again and the loss of her husband is now fresh with this one on top of it.  I can't imagine.

I wonder if that fear is what stops some people from opening up to a new relationship.

I have no interest in ever finding another companion/relationship.  My heart will always be full of my one love.  But those who are open to the possibility of new love must always have the knowledge of loss in their minds.  I can't imagine what your friend is going through now.  A new loss that brings back all the pain of losing her husband.  She must be devastated.  She's lucky to have you as her friend.

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Our whole church will be there for her.  She's always been very private but she's beginning to open up a little more to us.
I have another friend that almost didn't remarry because of the fear of loss again, but I remember telling her that whether she married this man she loved or not was up to her, but not to let fear stop her from living.  I know if she goes through this again (one of them will, obviously) it'll be hard but I look at all the years of rich enjoyment they're having right now instead of loneliness.  I know the cost is high but some are willing for that, some are not.

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On 10/16/2019 at 12:26 PM, Mulelady said:

On a hopeful side.....I learned about a "Widow Camp " and a " Grief Cruise "  and signed up for both....hoping a different environment of this type may be helpful ?  The first one is soon.....November 7th. I'm worried about pulling this off by myself....but at least for one crazy moment....I thought I had to do something . 

 Please let me know how it goes. Hope you have a good time. 

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Yes, I've never been through anything like that, we'd like to know how it goes.  Wishing you well!

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Got back from my first Widow Camp this past Sunday evening....4 days in Canada . They offer it in Florida and California other times of the year.  In short....it was amazing ...loved it all...impressive organization ....10 years going....300 widows from all over .  It was one huge cry...and a bigger hug...from any and everybody all weekend.  There were 5 classes to choose from each hour.....great food, exercise, dance , art, massage, creative ceremonies to celebrate our spouses , men too....with some classes just for them.  Others for young widows w/ children, violent death or suicide, future relationships . We had name tags that indicated if it was your first camp ...w/ tags for the number of months or years.....saw some at 13 years....a few that work there that were longer out.  There were authors or people in the grief field speaking.  The last night is a celebration like a wedding ...with music....the kind that many danced for the first time in a long time...and a special ceremony w/ crystals celebrating our " person " ( to be all inclusive ).  These first days home have been a fabulous high....but they warned there may be a let down in two weeks....as we realize the comfortable, supportive community we enjoyed isn't there.  There were constant opportunities to make friends, gain email contacts and plan to return and meet again....as many obviously did. I will definitely go again...as many do.  

My next planned adventure is a Grief Cruise in April . I'm guessing that will have a similar seminar schedule....BUT....with a boat load of people not involved with our group...opportunity do all a regular cruise offers ( excursions off shore....shows...meals ...etc. ).  I can see if someone didn't want to travel alone or have a friend / widow....you could bring your family to enjoy the primary cruise....and connect now and then ?  I won't have that....but for now...I think I really prefer the intense community experience I had at camp.  

https://campwidow.org/camp-facts/

 

https://www.journeysofhopehealingandhealth.com

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I'm glad it was a meaningful experience for you, I've never gone on anything like that although I've heard of others doing it, I never had the money for anything but keeping the place up.  ;)

 

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It sounds wonderful and I will be looking into it. I contacted them about cost so will let you know. I’m home from work today. Mental health day. I just couldn’t fake it today. I slept until 11:30!  I don’t know if I’m that depressed, or that tired. Reading a book called Companion Through The Darkness, pretty good.  Not for early raw stages of grief but about a year or so into it. I tried to read it then and I hated it. Threw it under my bed and pulled it out this week. It’s a completely different book now. 
As I told you in our PM, I’m so glad you found this and so glad you went!

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Kay....I'm not sure how one qualifies....but I heard the leader asking for donations to pay for others to participate in camp....maybe you could apply ?? People who live close enough or know someone to stay with save money on hotels /planes.  They have them in Florida, California and Canada.  They are planning a one day version in other cities in the future.....tho it can't compare with the 3 day program.  

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