I just have no idea what to do.

[Laroosy]

Very late last night/very early this morning our family cat, Jena, developed rapid breathing. I kept an eye on her for a couple of hours before telling the rest of my family and we  decided she had to go to the vet to get checked out  They did some quick tests and thought that she might have had some fluid in her lungs.  They gave her a diuretic to see if that helped and put her in an oxygen tent.

We left her with them so they could do some more tests to find out exactly what was wrong.  An hour later they called to say she definitely did have fluid in her lungs and they were gonna extract some to test. Another hour later they called to say she wasn't responding to the initial treatment and would give us a call about what course of action to take next.

5:30am, just over 3 hours after she was taken in, they called to say she had died....

She was 19 and had been with us for half of my life.  I can't remember a time before we had her. 

I seriously don't think i have ever been this upset.  I just can't stop crying.  She was probably the only real friend i had and now she is gone and i never got to say goodbye.  I just miss her so much.

 

The last time i saw her she was laying facing a back corner of the oxygen tent, with a catheter in her paw and looking a bit sleepy - that image will stay with me forever as it's not how i want to remember her but right now that is all i have.  I can't help think that if only i had noticed earlier or said something earlier then maybe she would still be with us and am racked with guilt.  She didn't deserve to go out like this.

 

All i keep thinking is that i wish we hadn't taken her to the vets.  If we hadn't, she may have passed anyway but at least she would have been at home with us. The thought of her being so scared and alone at the end is killing me and will probably haunt me forever. 

 

I just keep reliving seeing her there laying flat on the examination table, her head and front paws overhanging the edge as if she was trying to get away - same as she always was always at the vets, probably just wanting to go home, maybe even thinking she will be going home like always.  I just wanted to be able to bring her home, even if it would only be for a very short time.  She probably suffered more at the vets (mostly through stress and fear) than she would have done if we had kept her at home.

She was a family pet but she spent her whole life basically living in my bedroom.  She'd sleep on a blanket on my bed and at night i would put her on the blanket on the floor.  In the mornings she would  meow and scratch at my bed before jumping up and either laying there next to me or sometimes laying on my chest/stomach.  She would often get off her blanket and sit next to me if was on my bed watching tv.  She'd only really leave my room for food and to use her litter box. She was my "little mate" as my mum said.

Now everywhere i look i just see reminders of her. They are impossible to avoid and it's almost at the point where i can't bring myself to be in my bedroom as it reminds me of her too much.

Thinking about her in any way just instantly makes me cry.  Knowing i will never get to stroke her again, or play with her or even hear her meow when she wants a door opened for her.  The little things almost hurt as much as the bigger stuff and none of it seems real.

 

I just don't see any way i will ever be able to get over this.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Laroosy said:

I can't help think that if only i had noticed earlier or said something earlier then maybe she would still be with us and am racked with guilt.  She didn't deserve to go out like this.

Probably not, at her age.  But we think these thoughts anyway...my dog recently died (cancer), it was the hardest thing in the world to watch him go downhill, bit by bit.  I wish he hadn't suffered, he was the best dog in the world, and definitely my best friend, my sole companion for 10 1/2 years, I got him at one year old.  

The pain, the triggers in my home are ginormous, the activities we used to do together and no long can hit me continually.  It's been 7 1/2 weeks and just last night I was crying at his grave.  I have been through so much grief in my life but I just don't know how to get through this.  Getting a dog was always my suggestion to help people with their grief.  What if it's your dog you're crying over?!  I lost my husband 14+ years ago, and since then, so many pets, my mom, my sister, I'd already lost my dad, niece, nephew, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and many friends.  I guess the older you get the more losses you face.  But this dog, sweet Arlie, he was my world, perfect for me, I can never hope to find another like him, he was very unique, I loved his personality.

I am so sorry for the loss of your cat.  I lost my Miss Mocha over three years ago, she slept with me, she was so beautiful, so sweet...for months I would look at the patio door expecting to see her wanting in.  It's so hard.  She disappeared so I got no closure, I believe a cougar got her, no noise, I was outside all day, I heard nothing.  She never would have left on her own, she loved it here, she picked this home out ten years before, I don't even know how old she was, probably 12-14.

This is for your sweet kitty:

 

[Laroosy]

Thank you for the post and kind words.  So sorry to hear of your losses.  It has been hard enough for me with one cat but i can't imagine how hard it must have been to have lost so much.

Until this point i never truly understood how strong a connection people have with their pets but it has become all to apparent for me now.

I think posting here has definitely had a positive effect.  There was a lot of stuff that i just wasn't able to say out loud but writing it down has seemed to make a difference.  I am far from being ok (i have moments where it doesn't feel like it has really happened which i guess is just the denial kicking in),  but i will say that i have cried less since yesterday. There are still many times when it suddenly hits me that she is gone and the slightest thing like hearing her name can cause me to tear up or worse but overall i feel that things may gradually be heading down a path to where they will start looking up.  For anyone in a similar situation that is reading this and thinking of posting something, i would say do it.  You have nothing to lose by just letting it out and sharing with others, regardless how you do it.

I still feel sadness and a lot of guilt and regret. I understand that it's part of the grieving process, but I will always feel that i could, and maybe, should have done more or done things differently/better.  Maybe the worst part in that regard is not so much what happened but more like how it happened.  Though i guess that one tiny, tiny consolation is that the worst case scenario of having to make the hardest decision of all did not happen - I just could not imagine in my worst nightmares having to have a beloved pet put to sleep.

There is an emptiness in my heart and being reminded of her constantly is still really hard to deal with and i can't see that ever going away.  We're currently in the situation of having to throw away her bowls, blankets, toys etc and i am finding it impossible to let go.... even the thought of it makes me feel so sad, but at the same time, seeing them around is just as hard.

 

Have to go to pick out an urn on Wednesday which is something i am dreading as it will hit home that this is all real and final and not some bad dream.

 

I guess it's just a case of taking things one day at a time, Baby steps only for now.

 

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

I am starting to paint rocks to put on his grave, it may take me a year to do them, no hurry, but it helps to do something to honor them, plant a rosebush, something in their honor.  I get a lot of branches down on my place (highly timbered) and Sunday I picked up a lot of branches for my burn pile, I was amazed how many gathered in just seven weeks since I cleaned it up last.  Will have to check more often except in the snow I can't.

It has taken me all this time to process his death and I still haven't fully come to terms with it, it hit so suddenly, I wasn't expecting cancer especially so soon.  IDK, I guess I hoped we'd have 2 1/2 more years and I was in denial that he'd ever die although I've always feared it in the back of my mind.  He was my baby, my everything, my joy.  My world has gone from bright colors to black and white.    I just hope he knows how much I love him, how special he is to me, and I want more than anything to be with him again someday.

I wish you all the best in your journey, try not to be too hard on yourself...one exercise that has really helped me is "What would you tell your best friend going through this?"  Tell yourself that same thing and try to be your own best friend.  Everyone has told me I am a good mom, even if not perfect, to forgive myself and be as grateful as my Arlie is that I was his mom...I still am, I always will be.

[Laroosy]

Well its been almost a month....  I wish i could say that i have fully come to terms with things but i haven't.  I have some good days but there are times when something will set me off and i'll just start crying.  It's the little things, like the little "ba-dum" sound she made when coming down the stairs one step at a time, the way she would sit by the door to be let out but take an age to actually go outside,  the fact that she would lay on the stairs and spy though the the gap in the bannister so she could see all the way up the hallway, or how she would appear in the kitchen at the same time every day and sit by the cupboard that had her food in.....    I want to remember every little thing about her but at the same time doing so makes me feel worse.  She was more than just a pet, she was a part of our family for 19 years and there are times when it still feels like it hasn't happened - I will look up expecting to see her, or i hear noises that make me think she is in the next room.....  It's just really hard to accept that she is gone.

I had hoped that picking up her ashes would add some kind of closure to certain things but that hasn't happened - I still feel a lot of guilt and have countless regrets. 

I think i will forever doubt that I/we did the right thing in taking her to be checked out by a vet.

[KayC]

I just posted this for someone else and want to leave it for you too:
 

Guilt seems to come with grief, we reprimand ourselves with our regrets and wishes we could do this or that over...personally I think it's our way of looking for a different possible outcome, but some things seem to haunt us.  I found these articles helpful:

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
https://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

You doubt yourself in having her checked by a vet, yet people here regret NOT having their pet checked by a vet, sometimes I feel we can't win.  We do our best, we love them to the fullest and yet we're hardest on ourselves when their life is spent.  Wishing you some comfort and peace.