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She was my every day and now the guilt is killing me


KeirKieran

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For almost 20 years I had a very dear friend named Carly, but I called her Mars from the screen name of the first forum we met on. 

We were online friends, drawn together by a love of anime and comics. She asked me out once, but I was in a bad place with myself and turned her down. But I didn't forget.

Two years ago, I decided to get over myself and try to build a life. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else but her. Even though she was on the other side of the country, we talked for hours every day. We wrote stories together, silly romances. She was always with me, a friend I carried in my pocket. And I wanted more.

But that's when life went wrong for me.

My 91 year old grandmother's forgetfulness developed into dementia with paranoid episodes. My parents weren't very concerned and felt I was best to handle it (I was always close to my grandparents). With my uncle out of state, I settled into taking care of them. So I set aside my plans for romance.

Then several months later, my father had a major stroke and lost the use of half his body. My chronically ill mother wasn't strong enough and my brother had to work to keep the family business afloat, so handling my father's schedule of therapy was all on me too.

All through two years of hell, racing between therapy and work and back to therapy and making sure my grandparents were eating and seeing her hospitalized once for an episode and again for a broken hip, as I worked on my parents house to be more accessible to my dad, and I unraveled and hardly ate some days from the stress... all through it all, she was there. 

A shoulder to lean on, empty chitchat, or writing our stories for a distraction, she was there, often staying up too late so I wasn't alone as I stayed up the night with my grandmother. She was everything to me.

A couple months ago, I hit a point where I had my feet under me and I figured, go for it. I'm almost 40, I need to live. I started getting my personal self in order, even started exercising and lost weight (she loved hiking) and set up a plan to pull extra shifts for funds to go see her and ask her out. I wanted to do it right. After all these years, I hoped she would give me another shot.

I didn't tell her I was planning on coming out, because she was dealing with a nasty flu or something and I knew she'd get stressed about cleaning for my visit. So I'd wait till she was feeling better.

But it wasn't the flu... and she died. Alone. While all weekend I wondered why she wasn't online. I didn't even worry, cus she wasn't that sick. She was just tired. I thought she was just tired.

My baby died all alone while I sat here. Cus I wasted all those years. If I hadn't been a mess, if I'd hadn't been scared, we'd have been together years ago and she'd have been safe with me. She'd have been taken care of. Her friend confirmed she'd have said yes, I could have had her wherever. 

She's been gone almost a month, and I'm dying without her. I don't see anything but loneliness and regret ahead of me. I can't live without her. I don't want to.

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I am so sorry for your loss.  It is heartbreaking, to lose the companion you relied on for so many years and to lose the future you envisioned with this loving and supportive person. 

I wish she had shared with you that she was  ill, so you could have been with her. But she didn't and you have to accept her decision. You had no way to know.

Peace,

Gail

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She didn't know. She thought she was just iron deficient or something. She had a bad habit of neglecting her health but no one thought it was serious. We still don't have a cause of death. I don't even know what took her from me. 

She went to bed early that night to rest up. I didn't say good night cus I didn't want the ding of her phone to wake her. She was so tired. 

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Oh my gosh, I am so sorry, your story is truly heartbreaking.  Regardless of what did or didn't happen, I hope you will keep in mind that your relationship was real, you meant the world to each other.  You couldn't have known.  And your taking care of family was valid, who of us wouldn't have done the same thing?  Or her either for that matter?  But that doesn't take away from the fact that what you had was real and you both knew it.

Sending you hugs, I hope you'll continue to come here, this is a process, we're all here together.

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Thank you. I think this board will help a lot. I'm very shy in person so talking online is easier for me. 

I really hope she did know. I'm miserable thinking she thought she wasn't good enough for me. That I'd never be interested, no matter what.

She was vegan (so sweet she didn't want anything to hurt for her dinner). I'm not, but I was learning vegan recipes. I wanted to cook for her. Big nutritious beautiful meals, so I'd never hear her say she was too tired and was just going to get pasta at Olive Garden.

I was getting ready to uproot my life to make one with her. I wish I hadn't waited. If I'd have even told her, instead of waiting to see her in person, she would have been so happy. I'd at least have that.

I thought we had decades.

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Talk to her, write her a letter...we do and who knows if they have the same limitations in the spirit world as we do in the physical.  So much we don't know, the one thing I continue is hope that we will be together again and that my husband knows what I feel.

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Thank you. I'm Buddhist and she was Pagan, but I find myself desperately hoping we're wrong and you're right, cus I want to see her again so badly.

But I have wrote to her. You're right, it helps some. I need to talk to her. 

I think one of the things I didn't expect about grief, that I've never even heard mentioned, is that... well, when you lose someone, they're not there to comfort you. Which seems obvious, but... that's when you need them the most, isn't it? You need support and there's no one alive who could support you like them, but they're gone. So you're going through it and they're not there to help you. I need her to survive losing her, which makes no sense, but there it is. I find myself reaching for my phone, to talk to her, cus I hurt so much, but... yeah.

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9 hours ago, KeirKieran said:

Thank you. I'm Buddhist and she was Pagan, but I find myself desperately hoping we're wrong and you're right, cus I want to see her again so badly.

Welcome.  I'm so sorry you lost your love.  Never doubt that is exactly what the two of you had together. 

Here's what I think about religion.  My husband and I walked away from organized religion decades ago.  We were raised Episcopal and Methodist-Episcopal.  We found it limiting as adults, but we never lost our faith that there is something more, something greater that goes beyond this world and the here-and-now.

I don't believe you need to be a specific religion to know that there are things we cannot understand in this life.  I believe that love is the greatest faith of all and that there is grace in the universe that transcends anything we can imagine.  I know with every cell in my heart and mind that my soul mate and I will be together again, somehow and somewhere.

9 hours ago, KeirKieran said:

I think one of the things I didn't expect about grief, that I've never even heard mentioned, is that... well, when you lose someone, they're not there to comfort you. Which seems obvious, but... that's when you need them the most, isn't it?

Yes, it is.  This is a universal truth we all struggle with accepting.  It's one of the many things that other people may not fully understand.  The people who care about us want to help and to be of comfort, but they cannot be the one person we need above all others.

I urge you to try not to carry the weight of the guilt you feel.  Regrets are normal and expected, but neither of you could know the future.  You took care of your family and she obviously understood it because she stuck with you through it all.  Please don't think you are to blame for what happened.  You are not.  I realize that's easy for me to say, but hard to put into practice.  I struggle with that every day.  But I think we need to try, even though it will probably take a long time to accept.

For now, just keep breathing and take each moment as it comes.

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It helps me to look at videos of the galaxies beyond...it makes me feel small and a part of something much grander/larger, it brings me peace.  I don't think we have to have all the answers for faith to thrive.  I continue to reach out for hope in what is beyond me and I rest in the knowledge that our love is something eternal even if our bodies are not. Peace to us all...

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Thank you. I'm trying to get past the guilt, but it's hard. It feels like my whole life has been nothing but mistakes and I can't see anything else right now. I feel crushed and battered (I literally hurt).

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Thanks for those links. I don't think I'm ready to really take that in, a lot of it just slid off me, but I'll come back to it. 

I've been looking for resources online, like I found the podcast Terrible, Thanks For Asking and I'm hitting a problem: all these people talk about how the deaths changed their families, how friends came around and could tell stories about the deceased. I don't have that.

I've sent some texts to one of her friends and chatted a little. I've texted with her mom, briefly, on Carly's messager (and that was utter hell to see messages from her that weren't from her and never would be again).

I tried to message her mom over facebook but again, I only have Carly's account and when I opened the messenger there was a little exchange between Carly and me. It was 5 years old and about nothing at all, but I broke down to see it. 

Being all alone with this is horrible. No one else here misses her.

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I feel like I'm spamming the thread but it's 2 am and I'm going to lose it if I don't talk, even if no one's on.

I took my dad to my grandparents today, like every Sunday. With my grandmother's condition I can't explain to her about my dead should-have-been girlfriend. So I have to be chipper and normal the whole evening. But that's not the hardest part. (Anyone who's dealt with dementia is used to playing a part, I think.)

My mom, when I pick up and drop off my dad, says NOTHING to me. I never get asked if I'm okay. There are no hugs. I don't understand!

I was at their house 3 days after she'd been found. THREE DAYS! I assumed she'd be all hugs and tears and I was worried cus I couldn't break down right then (was on my way to grandma's), but nothing. Nothing later when I brought my dad back. Nothing. 

That Saturday I got a wonderful fb message about how she was there if I needed anything and, desperate, I went out to ride around with her and talk. She spent the whole time talking about the house my aunt was trying to buy. I kept waiting cus SURELY she'd say something about ME, but no. At the end of driving her around I broke down and yelled at her and sobbed about my dead friend and we talked and that felt good.

Afterwards, she asked of I wanted to stay for a bit and, honestly, being alone seemed scary right then so, relieved to have support, I stayed. We'd watch British Baking Show and I'd have some desperately needed family time. Right? 

She spent most of the 2 hrs I was there chasing after her cats and fussing with other crap. I cooked them dinner at one point cus I foolishly thought she'd interact with me. (I was wishing to die, barely eating myself, and I cooked them dinner.)

So after two episodes and a cooked dinner, I left. The only time Carly was discussed was when I broke down in the car. Mom's never asked how I am since. There was one hug. Nothing else.

If not for my best friend/roommate and my therapist, I'd have zero irl support. She saw how upset I am, I don't understand why she's being like this. My aunt, whom I hardly LIKE, showed me more compassion. 

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Often people just don't know what to say or do.  I recommend you keep talking to your mom, tell her how you feel.  

I am so sorry for your loss and for the lack of support you are getting. It is so hard to navigate through life when you are grieving a great loss, especially when others don't recognize the pain you are in.

Peace

Gail

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People really don't know how to deal with death/loss, they talk about everything but.  I would tell her how you feel, it's okay to tell her that you need to talk about your friend/GF, that it drives you nuts to talk about superficial stuff when this is consuming your thoughts!  It's got to be hard to not have anyone around that knew her.  It's been 14+ years since my husband died and pretty much everyone that knew him is now gone except my family, but at least I have them even if they aren't here, I can talk with them on the phone.

I'm glad your roommate and therapist are there for you.  And I'm glad you came on here, don't worry about blowing up the forum, that's okay, that's why it's here.  We have had those middle of the night times ourselves...weekends and nights seem the worst.

I hope you will read this:
https://www.socialworker.com/feature-articles/practice/disenfranchised-grief-when-grief-and-grievers-are-unrecogniz/

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9 hours ago, KeirKieran said:

I feel like I'm spamming the thread but it's 2 am and I'm going to lose it if I don't talk, even if no one's on.

Oh my dear, you are not spamming, especially not considering that it's your own thread.  That's what this forum is here for.  You talk whenever you need to and we will be here soon.  Believe me, you are not the first to post in the middle of the night.  I've done it; most of us have done it.

 

9 hours ago, KeirKieran said:

(Anyone who's dealt with dementia is used to playing a part, I think.)

Yes, definitely.  When my grandma developed dementia in her early 90s, she went from knowing my husband by name as my husband to calling him my "nice young man" to thinking he was her nice young man.  My wonderful husband went along with that.  We used to pick her up from the care facility and take her to dinner and then musicals or operas where my husband was in the orchestra.  The last time, her caregivers told us that she had spent 2 hours fussing and primping and dressing in her best dress because "my nice young man is coming to take me out tonight."  My love was so incredibly sweet with her and she was so happy.  You play whatever part is necessary when it's someone you love.

 

10 hours ago, KeirKieran said:

My mom, when I pick up and drop off my dad, says NOTHING to me. I never get asked if I'm okay. There are no hugs. I don't understand!

I was at their house 3 days after she'd been found. THREE DAYS! I assumed she'd be all hugs and tears and I was worried cus I couldn't break down right then (was on my way to grandma's), but nothing. Nothing later when I brought my dad back. Nothing. 

I'm so sorry that your parents can't bring themselves to give you the support you so desperately need.  When you have given so much of yourself to caring for them, it's doubly painful.  I fear there are no magic words to help with that kind of hurt.  Unfortunately, it's all too common and most of us have people in our lives (or who used to be anyway) who have been cold or unkind.  I'll never understand why some people behave this way.

You deserve better than that.  Please keep coming here to talk, no matter the time.  When you are here you will never be alone.  We "get it" in ways that no one else can because we are all living similar nightmares.

I'm sending you big comforting virtual hugs that today is an ever so slightly better day for you.

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On 10/4/2019 at 8:10 AM, KeirKieran said:

Thank you. I'm Buddhist and she was Pagan, but I find myself desperately hoping we're wrong and you're right, cus I want to see her again so badly.

But I have wrote to her. You're right, it helps some. I need to talk to her. 

I think one of the things I didn't expect about grief, that I've never even heard mentioned, is that... well, when you lose someone, they're not there to comfort you. Which seems obvious, but... that's when you need them the most, isn't it? You need support and there's no one alive who could support you like them, but they're gone. So you're going through it and they're not there to help you. I need her to survive losing her, which makes no sense, but there it is. I find myself reaching for my phone, to talk to her, cus I hurt so much, but... yeah.

" well, when you lose someone, they're not there to comfort you. Which seems obvious, but... that's when you need them the most, isn't it?"  

Something that helped me a bit, going through the loss of my husband, was coming across this video:  

Just holding that in my head, a bird's eye view of me, trying to cope, made me feel as if my grief was seen. I kept saying that, "Do you see me? Do you SEE?" I don't feel I've "travelled back to happiness," but this made me feel as if somehow my husband could see me in my loss.

 

 

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13 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Often people just don't know what to say or do.  I recommend you keep talking to your mom, tell her how you feel.  

I'll try again. Thanks. And thanks KayC for saying the same thing. I really am terrible at talking irl, especially about feelings.

13 hours ago, KayC said:

Thanks, I did. It did help to have it laid out. A lot.

9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

The last time, her caregivers told us that she had spent 2 hours fussing and primping and dressing in her best dress because "my nice young man is coming to take me out tonight."  My love was so incredibly sweet with her and she was so happy.  You play whatever part is necessary when it's someone you love.

Your husband sounds like a sweetheart and I'm so happy your grandma had that at the end. I keep hoping my grandma will start having those sorts of moments. Sadly it's just forgetfulness and bouts of paranoia now. But, I do what I can and keep every day as positive as I can for her and my grandpap. Thankfully my uncle is in town this month, so some of the weight is off me.

2 hours ago, Michelene said:

Something that helped me a bit, going through the loss of my husband, was coming across this video: 

I can't watch a video just yet, but I will. There's so many good things people share here.

And thank you for all these kind words from everyone. I nearly had to pull over on my way home from work today cus I was crying so hard thinking of how our life could have been if I'd have done things differently. Sometimes I really don't know how to keep going after this. I'm glad I found this site.

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The loneliness is killing me. I have... almost no one. I have my roommate, Ben, but he often just falls asleep on the couch and I sit here alone. A friend from college who is never online and does nothing but work and sleep. And... that's it.

I tried all night to make conversation with Ben but nothing. I messaged my friend but no.

I had hoped that Mars' one friend would be a solid chatting friend, someone to at least talk about her with. But... she doesn't seem interested in talking much. Once a week or so. Maybe.

I joined a Facebook group for writing tonight, but of course that doesn't equal instant friends. In fact the group is so large, there's little chance at it ever bringing friends. I thought about smaller groups but... those would be strangers. I don't need strangers.

I looked through my fb friends, over and over again, but... those are just people I know. None of them chat with me. They chat with Ben but not me.

I'm... extraneous. Always have been. People get tired of me and they move on, unless I'm useful. Everyone except Mars.

I need a friend, but mine's dead. 

I just don't want to be here anymore. I don't want years of this. I missed my one chance at someone who would have loved me just as I am. Someone I could have been happy with. Someone I was happy with. I just don't want to do this anymore. It's too much.

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KeirKieran,

I am so sorry you are hurting so much. 

Don't try to look too far ahead into the future right now. Just get through today.

In time you will find a life again. Find a counselor to talk to, they can help.

Peace,

Gail

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I get not wanting to be here, sometimes I feel that way too.  The silence is deafening.  Reaching out can help but can also be exhausting.  Keep trying.  Meanwhile, we're here for you.

Have you tried a grief support group?  We had no local ones and are quite a ways from the city so I started one after a few years.  I've made many widowed friends that get it.  Sometimes we even get together for lunch or coffee.  A good way to make a friend that understands.

Not all grief support groups are the same, they are as unique as the leader and those who attend.  It might take trying a couple to find the one you feel comfortable with, and that's okay.  It's not a substitute for a grief counselor, but there can be benefits to attending.  We work through our grief, talk about things, but no one is forced to talk, that is voluntary.  A good leader should be able to keep someone from dominating the conversation and gently guide it.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/11/grief-support-groups-what-are-benefits.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/04/finding-grief-support-that-is-right-for.html

And so you all know, I finally broke a huge hurdle for me...I need a colonoscopy.  The last thing in the world I want is cancer, so I know this is important, but I've procrastinated for a few months, I'd rather go through a root canal...and I had no one to drive me.  The one person you can count on is now dead.  No one takes their place.  I finally made contact with the Gastroenterology office after several tries and talked to them about my concerns and made an appointment and got the courage to ask a friend to drive me.  I don't know why it's so hard for me to ask for help.  I've been independent so long but we all need someone sometimes.  I did it.  Now I have but to go through it.

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I'm seeing a counselor, Gail 8588. She's been a great help. It's just really hard. I keep mentally adding "after everything else" but I don't think I'd be dealing with this any better if life was going well before I lost her. She was such a huge part of my life.

And thanks, KayC. This board has been a real life line for me. And I'm glad you're heading to the doctor. Those hurdles are everywhere and waiting to get you. It feels like everything is hard now, but I shouldered my way through some phone calls today. So that's good. 

My counselor is looking into grief support groups for me. She knows what I'm like and can hopefully find some groups I can try.

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A grief counselor and a grief support group fill different purposes so I hope you can try both.  I don't know where you live but some counselors even do by phone, although I prefer in person but it's an option if you're far away from the city as I have been.  (They didn't have that back when I lost George but there was someone local although he stretched it to call himself a grief counselor.)

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html
https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-support-groups-positives-and-pitfalls/

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My therapist isn't grief specialized. I saw her originally years ago for another matter completely, but I contacted her again when my life started to implode.

So I have her a bit out of her wheel house but I trust her and I don't make connections with people easily. And she always goes the extra mile for me.

I'm near a city though, so finding a grief group should be do able.

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The thing that jumps up and crushes me when I think I'm getting better is the regret. Waiting is the worst mistake I ever made and I can't ever fix it.

She's dead and gone and I can't ever tell her anything. There are no solutions, no hope, no goal besides survival.

With my grandma, I could work to get her meds to make her mood better and make her last years as good as possible.

With my dad there was therapy and house improvements and exercise equipment to build.

With her dying? There's nothing. Just a void. Just a wide, dark mistake swallowing all my future. I write to her, but that's just talking to air. She's gone, that whole chunk of me is gone. The moment I reached for a bit of happiness she died, all alone. Did she know how much she meant to me? Did I ever say anything about how much her friendship and support meant? I don't know. And every time I think of spending my life without her my chest feels like it's being crushed. 

I can cry and tell her how sorry I am over and over again, but it's useless. I'm trying but I don't know how to deal with this.

When I was broken and falling apart with my family crisises, I once told her I wanted my old life back. It wasn't a good life, I was unsatisfied with my career, my apartment, my love life, my body, and I wanted it back desperately. She said there was probably a lesson there.

She was right. She was so right. I had no idea how bad my life could get.

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10 hours ago, KeirKieran said:

I write to her, but that's just talking to air.

Is it?  I choose to believe that just maybe George can hear me.  Of course we can't know it like other things provable, but I hope and it brings me comfort to talk aloud to him...I find most of us do that at least on occasion.  I have reason to believe he does hear me and has an awareness of what is going on with me and my life.  A couple of years ago I contacted the social security office to find out how much I would get per month when I filed as I was running out of money.  It was the recession and I'd lost my job for the third time since George died, and I'd also experienced age discrimination for the first time in my life while job hunting.  I couldn't get a job to support myself.  The only jobs were 50 miles away so I needed one that would pay for my commute and of course that meant higher taxes since commuting was not deductible like it was in my parent's day.  I'd had to retire early but held off filing social security as long as possible so as to have less of a penalty, which would last the rest of my life.

I called soc. sec. and got someone who must have been irritated that I called as it was Friday afternoon and she wanted to start her weekend.  She was still on the clock but mentally checked out of her job.  She told me I'd get $200+/month.  What?!!  I'd worked all my life, I couldn't live on that, I'd be homeless!  I asked her to doublecheck, that didn't sound right at all!  She told me to call my local office.  Well I'd held for her so long that by now it was nearly closing time.  I called the local office but no one answered...the clock had struck closing time.  It was a three day holiday weekend and I'd have to wait until Tuesday.  With my anxiety kicked in full bore, I laid down on the bed, presumably to flush my tears out...and that's when I felt it...George's hand on my back/shoulder area.  I wouldn't mistake it for anything, I knew his touch and instantly a calming peace came over me.  He could calm me and reassure me like none other.  It got me through the weekend.  Monday morning I called my local office to find out I'd get about $1,100/month and no they didn't know where she came up with that amount, but they'd file for me if I wanted.  The guy on the phone was great, even handling my Medicare payments.  

It's been over 14 years since George died, two years since I filed social security and Medicare but I've never forgotten that touch...I can't explain it, can't prove it, but I know it happened.  It shows me he knows more about what's going on with me than I could have thought...he's not just dead, his spirit exists somewhere and wherever he is, he is able to move about.  I hadn't beckoned him or conjured him up in my imagination, it happened, coming to me unbidden.  I couldn't make it happen if I wanted to!  Yet it did of his own volition. 

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Thanks KayC. Things have been all over the place for me lately but just seeing you'd replied was helpful before I even came to read it.

I reconnected with two friends Mars and I shared and that was a great help. It's a wonderful comfort to talk to people who knew her. One of them was very upset as they'd parted on bad terms and she never found the courage to apologize, afraid the bridge was too burned.

But that said, I'm right back to emptying a Kleenex box today. The memorial is Saturday so I'm trying to right some words to say about her. Words just aren't enough for this and every try leaves me crying again. 

And then I have a day and half drive to look forward to, so I can say good bye to the best thing I ever had and pick up whatever belongings her parents have set aside for me.

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You'll be in all of our hearts and minds as you go through the memorial Saturday.  I hope it is of comfort to you as you see how much she meant to everyone.  Getting some of her things, that'll be emotional too.

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The drive in was hard. After switching regularly with my friend, I made a point of driving the last 6 hours myself. I felt I should, that i shouldn't be a passenger when i finally got to meet New Mexico. 

She should have been the one to introduce me to this rocky place. Did she drive down this road? Or this one? Was this a regular route to a restaurant for her? To the grocery store?

I feel so helpless and hollowed out. We could have been happy here. We were so close to being happy.

I tried to talk about the should-have-beens with my friend, but he doesn't want me focusing on that. I get it, but that's all I can feel now. That and miserable regret that I didn't act sooner.

I told myself that I would be no good as a boyfriend while I cared for my grandparents, but why? We'd have still talked all the time like we did. I couldn't have gone to her but she could have come here. She said she was "settled" in NM, but when we were together maybe that would have changed. Maybe when I was cracking up, barely eating, she'd have come out to help. Maybe she'd have stayed. Maybe we'd have been happy during the awful.

All I have is maybes. People tell me to make new memories on her behalf, but i can't feel the point. Everything feels so pointless. Why couldn't life have given me one piece of happiness? Just one. We were so close to being happy.

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5 hours ago, KeirKieran said:

People tell me to make new memories on her behalf, but i can't feel the point.

And that will probably be beyond you for some time.  Processing our grief takes a long time, all of this time you're doing the what ifs is even part of that processing.  Allow yourself to do and be what you feel you need to right now and don't accept pressure from anyone to skip this part of your grief...THEY want you to get past it so THEY can be comfortable, but it's not about them, it's about you.
You obviously were a bright spot in her life for her to continue talking to you, etc.  It's so hard to have it all cut short from the what could have been, I even feel that way because our marriage was all too short.  Grief can feel unfair because it seems very much that way, esp. when you see others living so much longer, getting to enjoy their relationship.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

You obviously were a bright spot in her life for her to continue talking to you, etc. 

I keep telling myself that. I'm so afraid she thought she wasn't good enough or something. But I didn't date anyone else so... I'm hoping she believed me when I said I wasn't looking to date anyone in general back then. 

I went to her house today. It was locked up but I had to touch it. She was so happy when she bought it. I should be sitting on her couch, cuddling with her while we watched Marvel movies. Instead the house was dark and empty.

The memorial is in a few hours. I started wondering if they'd want to know what she meant to me, or if I should just be a really sad friend? Would it be better if they knew she was loved? That there was someone who was gonna to cook for her? Or is it meaningless? She was 35, surely they're sad she was alone, wondering why she didn't have anyone. I don't know. I just don't know anything. 

We were so close to happy. You're right, it's hard when your time gets cut brutally short.

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It is up to you to decide whether to share that or not, but if she was my daughter/sister, I'd want to know there was someone in her life that truly loved her, that cared about her, that had hopes for a future with her, that appreciated all the good things about her.  It would bring me comfort to know that.

Thinking of you as you go to her memorial.

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I didn't. There didn't seem an opening and I chickened out. It was a nice memorial though and it was good seeing and meeting people  who loved her. I was feeling pretty good, but then afterwards I went to get the items of hers that had been set aside for me.

All I have is a knitted cap of a comic book character that meant a lot to us, the sort you'd get at Walmart. She'd never even opened it. Nothing she wore, nothing she cherished. And that's it. That's the only physical thing I have for her. 

So I'm a wreck again.

I guess it's time to just give up. What we had and could have had is just... gone.

 

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I do have some contact. In their defense they didn't know me at all, but we did have a good meeting at the memorial. I spoke about how wonderful she was and they know how far I traveled for it. 

I've also calmed down some. Her dad gave me one of the flowers from the memorial, and I didn't see him do it for anyone else. It's riding home with me in a bottle of water in the cup holder (I'll find a way to preserve it). And I got some comic books of hers they had out for everyone.

And... I may be crazy, but I think I remember her buying the hat. I have a vague memory of her mentioning getting it last spring, commenting that she'd have to wait till winter to use it but that she wanted it anyway. 

And I have our stories and the chat logs. And pictures. 

And i saw so many cool birds as we left her area. And she loved birds. So... I'm taking that as a good sign.

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That absolutely may be a sign.

I'm glad her dad gave you one of the flowers.  That was a very caring gesture that showed acknowledgement of your relationship.

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I read a comic series once about depression among other things. The author wrote once that at the worst of her depression she didn't want to kill herself but rather just didn't want to be alive anymore. I find that ringing so true.

I find myself thinking I don't want to be here, anymore, so often. I don't have any desire to hurt myself or step off a bridge. That all sounds silly to me. But I just want to stop being. I can't fix my mistakes, i can't ever go back, so going forward has no appeal. I want to turn off.

My mistakes loom up over me and there's nothing I can do. And I'm so tired.

After my trip home yesterday, driving 30 hrs only arriving home at 1:30 pm then rushing to deal with family things and visit my grandparents... I finally got into my lonely bed and fell asleep hard.

I actually dreamt. A silly, nonsense dream of legos and coffee plants and Batman.

But then I started to wake, and before I had even opened my eyes my first thought was that she was dead. And now here I am, on the board at 6 am. The skin around my eyes is literally rubbed raw from the crying and tissues. 

I'm just so tired. 

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5 hours ago, KeirKieran said:

The author wrote once that at the worst of her depression she didn't want to kill herself but rather just didn't want to be alive anymore. I find that ringing so true.

This is how I feel at times.  It's almost subconscious mostly now, but it is there.  I bargain and say, "Okay honey.  I can live long enough to take care of things so our girls will have an easier time handling them when I'm gone." or "I can live another 7 or 8 years until our beautiful granddaughter starts college and so I can tell her all your stories.  Then you need to come get me.  Okay, love?  I need you to come get me."

It's so hard to be here alone.  I feel alone even when I'm in a room full of people who love me and love us.  There are times that's brought home with a smack in my heart.  Yesterday was one of those days.  I had to have a root canal.  It's been needed for probably close to 2 years, but I wasn't having significant pain and it didn't feel worse.  About a month ago I had my 6 month cleaning and yearly x-rays.  Well, the bottom of that root was clearly infected and the tooth was dying.  Root infections aren't the kind that antibiotics can cure, so I made the appointment.  It's my second root canal and all I could think was how my husband and I used to take care of each other.  He'd have said, "Take a xanax and I will drive you over." and then when we got home, he would have made me something easy to drink and eat.  Instead I had to drive myself (no xanax, of course), come home and find something to eat, and think about how my love wasn't here.  This morning I'm sitting here with a sore jaw, a weird taste in my mouth, and no one to ask how I'm feeling or make me tea or tell me things will be okay.  I hate it. (And then, of course, there's the fact that I have no dental insurance and had to pay $2K for the privilege of feeling like this today!)

It's strange, that feeling of not wanting to be here, but not planning to end it.  We who have experienced the greatest losses and who are dealing with the cell deep grief that go along with that understand that better than most. 

5 hours ago, KeirKieran said:

The skin around my eyes is literally rubbed raw from the crying and tissues. 

This is purely a practical suggestion.  I saw my ophthalmologist for my 6 month check up and told him how I'd been having episodes of one or both eyes suddenly feeling as if someone had poured acid in them.  (That is, how I assume it would feel.)  He told me that one of my auto-immune conditions was partly the culprit, but it wasn't just that.  He said that as strange as it may seem, crying a lot can cause drying and tiny pitting in the cornea that is then irritated by more crying because of the salt.  He prescribed steroid drops short term and has me using gel drops 4 times a day (when I remember) full time to keep my corneas soothed and properly moist.  If your eyes burn, I suggest trying moisture gel in the morning and at night.

The other thing he told me was to stop using tissues to wipe my tears, but use soft, lint-free fabric instead.  I cut up a few of our old flour sack kitchen drying towels and use them.  Old t-shirt fabric or anything like that would work as well.  He told me that the fibers in tissues irritate the skin around the eyes and get mixed in with tears, so they get into our eyes, causing more irritation so that it becomes a vicious cycle of crying, tissue fibers, irritation, more tears, etc.

It has definitely helped with redness, swelling, and pain.  Of course, nothing helps reduce the tears, but we already knew that.

 

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Thanks for the tips. I've been trying to avoid drying my eyes with tissues. It's helped.

I disappeared for a bit cus I was... well I'd say I was doing good, but really I had more run out of feelings for a while. It was weird, for a week or so it was like I was normal again, started wanting to play games again and bake and had ideas for the future. I didn't want to come back here and jinx it. I needed a break.

 

But... it of course didn't last. For the past week I've been sliding back into it. I just cried so hard I threw up and I don't think I've even done that as a kid.

And now I have to go care for my grandparents before going back out to work tonight. I know she has no control over her disease, but it's so hard not to think that if she'd have just... not gone paranoid with this disease (or if my dad had helped, even) I'd have asked Mars out, we'd have been together and she'd have been safe with me. We were so close to happy, if not for my family.

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I'm glad your eyes are healing...the ups and downs are part of this journey.  I learned to appreciate the okay times because I knew at any moment it could change, triggers seem abundant.  

Wishing you well with your grandparents and then work.  It's hard to continue doing stuff when our lives are upside down.  I'm sorry you don't have help with them.

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9 hours ago, KeirKieran said:

Thanks for the tips. I've been trying to avoid drying my eyes with tissues. It's helped.

I'm glad it's been helping.  I figure any little thing we can do to make the journey a teeny bit easier is worth sharing.  I was pretty skeptical at first, but then I looked at a tissue versus a piece of non-linting fabric and realized those fibers in the tissue really can be irritating.  My doctor was adamant that I not ever use the aloe or lotion infused tissues, which made sense too.

Here's a weird thing (or maybe not).  I wear glasses and discovered early on while my husband was fighting his cancer that tears splatter right onto the back of the lenses.  Now I have to keep a microfiber cleaning cloth close at hand or I literally see spots much of the time.  It's amazing the things we don't think about that we have to learn along the way.

I'm sorry you've had a down turn.  I've had a rather difficult few weeks too.  Maybe it's the season and the upcoming holidays or maybe it simply is.  For 16 months now, I've gone one step forward and two steps back many times.  I'm sending you big virtual hugs to comfort you tonight.

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55 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

My doctor was adamant that I not ever use the aloe or lotion infused tissues, which made sense too.

That's actually the sort I bought. I assumed they'd be better.

And thanks to both of you. It helps to hear from people who get it.

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9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I've had a rather difficult few weeks too.  Maybe it's the season and the upcoming holidays or maybe it simply is. 

Going into both winter and the holidays can be a trying time particularly for people with loss.  Holidays are always a reminder of whom I am missing, no matter how many years goes by.  And struggling through winter and all of the snow shoveling, electrical/water outages, and canceled plans because of weather/roads bring home to me just how alone I really am.

I do the best I can.  I get out when there's breaks in the weather and the roads permit, I try to keep a good book on hand for those times there are outages.

8 hours ago, KeirKieran said:

That's actually the sort I bought. I assumed they'd be better.

An assumption I would have made too except I'm allergic to aloe.  Is there a kind of tissue that's better than others?

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10 hours ago, KayC said:

  Is there a kind of tissue that's better than others?

For wiping tears, my ophthalmologist says there are no good tissues.  The fibers are irritating and can scratch our corneas.  With the mico pitting caused by the salt in tears, the fibers make things even worse.  He was adamant.  He's a mild mannered kind of guy and an excellent doctor, so when he was that insistent, I listened.  I have washed up all of my husband's cotton handkerchiefs (from orchestra and conducting) and am going to use those in addition to the old cotton flour sack towels I cut up.  The difference really is noticeable between tissues and non linting fabric.

I find for blowing the old nose that Kleenex brand regular is softest.  There's a three-ply version that's great for colds.

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