Miss my mom so much

[sara1557]

Hi everyone, my name is Sara. I am 19 years old, about to turn 20 in 2 days. 

5 months ago, I lost my mother to cancer. Never, ever would I have thought that I would ever be writing this when I was only 19 years. I picture myself as a little girl and imagining me from today letting her know that she would only have 19 years with her mother. I am so utterly heartbroken and numb. I miss my mom so much and all i do is think about her. She was 54 years old but had the most young childlike character ever, I loved it so much. She would try so hard to relate to me, she would always listen to the music I did and tried to be hip, telling me I look like Kim Kardashian and that her and I needed our own show. I would always laugh because I literally do not look anything like Kim Kardashian we just both are tanned with super dark features. My mom was a nurse who would start work at 3:30 pm and finish at midnight. She didnt drive so she took the bus and metro at night. She would walk home alone in the dark as a woman and I never realized just how scary that was. Now I picture her walking alone in the dark in the streets and taking the metro and it makes me wanna cry because I should have picked her up more often. She was the cutest person ever and she would more than often go shopping downtown before work and and buy me candles, clothes, makeup without me even asking her. She loved to spoil me and my brothers all the time for no reason. She LOVED buying gifts for people just out of the goodness of her heart. She was literally everything to me and I feel so lost without her. I really dont see the point in life anymore if she wont be there for it. I know that a lot of you will say that shes watching me and listening but its not the same at all. I feel like my body is too small to be holding these emotions inside and i feel like i will never be able to get through this. I feel like I have so much to say im really just gonna start typing everything thats on my mind because i dont know how else i can do this. my mom was diagnosed with non Hodgkin's lymphoma about 5-6 years ago. I remember she would go to her chemo/radiation treatments in the morning and by the time I would come home from school, she would be sleeping. Me and my little brother would go in our rooms and try to be as quiet as we could to not wake her up. While I would be doing my homework, I would hear her throwing up in the bathroom, then go back to sleep. This would go on for maybe 2 or 3 of the next days. By the third day, I would come home from school and see her sitting in the exact same spot from the couch smiling, and I knew that until the next treatment, we could be pretend that she was okay. It made me sad to see her go through this but as a 14 year old girl, I really didnt know how to help or act. She ended up going into remission at one point. I remember we got a cake. and then she started taking pills for it. For 5 years, she would keep on visiting her hospital daily and would never say a word to me about it. The only reason I would know is because I would check her calendar when she wasnt home. I never really thought about her dying, ever. Until January of this year. My mom was in a lot of pain for a few weeks. One night, she fell in the bathroom and I remember when i got to her i thought she had cracked her head open. I almost had a heart attack but then i realized she hadnt.she had fallen but she was in a lot of pain. Long story short, they figured out she had shingles. When i first googled it, I thought its whatever, it says it goes away in like eight weeks. 8 weeks turned into months, and my mom just got worse and worse. Seeing my mom in the hospital from January to May has scarred me for life. Seeing my mom in that position, that much pain, torture and suffering was something that makes me think God needs to ask me for my forgiveness. Im sorry if that sentence may offend some people but that was literally torture for me and I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. Living without my mother is the worst thing in the world. Me and my dad dont talk. I have my two brothers, my grandparents, my aunt and my uncle and my 2 cousins, and thats it. I feel like the only person that understands me are my two brothers. We all loved our mom so much. she was such an angel and I just want to see her again. Knowing we will literally never speak again makes me want to literally just stop living. Its so hard to try and pretend im okay. I have nothing at all going for me. Im in college and i work part time cashier but i feel like im never gonna be able to go anywhere or be succesful. I feel like im never going to be able to get over this and that im gonna live in the same exact spot in the same exact place just making toast for myself. I think I need help and guidance because i am literally so lost.

 

[reader]

Dear Sara,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. Please know that everything you have written about your beloved and cherished mom is normal and natural. It is raw time. Grief knocks us all down and makes us feel so alone. It takes a long time to work through all our thoughts and feelings. Keep writing to us and know you are helping others as well. I'm sorry you and your brothers lost your mom so young. Its not right. The world feels horribly upside down.

Its all baby steps. Moment by moment. Day by day. Keep doing the best you can. Going to school and working are all good steps.

I don't know if you want to consider grief counselling or joining a support group through church or the community. I also found these websites helpful.

What's Your Grief

Grief Healing Blog

Grief in Common

Thinking of you. Please know we are with you.

[sara1557]

Dear reader, 

thank you so much for your kind message. I try so hard to act like I’m okay and that things is normal but I know they will never be the same again. I just miss her so so much and she is constantly on my mind. I cant believe that she’s literally gone. Sometimes I’ll pretend she’s just in her room even though I know she’s not, or I’ll pretend she’s still in the hospital but still alive. I miss laughing with her and lying down next to her in her bed. I miss her cooking and the way she loved me. It hurts so bad and I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again. I try so hard to take care of my brother but I don’t know if I’m really doing a good job. I feel so bad for him too and my older brother doesn’t have the same dad as me, he lost his dad when he was 3 (and then my mom met my dad and had me and my little brother) but he doesn’t really show his emotions so I worry. I miss the way things used to be and I miss being a regular 19 year old girl. I miss being with my friends and going out and just being happy. I just feel like it’s not fair that my mom out of all people was taken away from me. I miss fighting with her because I would stay out too late. It’s so so hard I would do anything to hear her speak to me. I have audio recordings and videos with her and hearing her voice makes me so happy yet so sad. I wish I had known I only had 19 years with her. Sorry for ranting I just feel like I have so much to say. I’ve been wanting to go into grief counseling but don’t know if I’m ready to do it yet. But thank you so much for your message, it means a lot and I hope you are okay in your own life. Feel free to message me 

[BlueGalaxy]

Please accept my sincere condolences Sara.  My own mama passed unexpectedly nearly two years ago, and even though I know I was blessed to share 36 beautiful years with her, it doesn't feel anywhere close to long enough.  So much of the way you described your mom sounds just like mine.  She and I were very best friends, she was my hero, basically my everything.  My mom was also in poor health when she passed, though she died from a blood infection gone septic rather than cancer.  She spent so much time in and out of the hospital, so I know exactly what you mean about suffering when they do.  I've also had the same thought about how incredibly unfair it seems that my beautiful mama was taken.

It's so hard to imagine that you can miss someone so much and still survive the experience.  I'm lucky to be close to my dad as well, especially since I'm an only child, and he and I have really pulled together to support each other.  That said however, I find that I now live in terror of something happening to him, and I know I hover over him more than he'd like.

I wish I could give you easy answers, but I haven't found them if they exist.  What I can tell you is that no matter how alone you might feel, there are a world of people out there, myself included, who can and do relate.  So many of us have had and still have similar thoughts and feelings in the wake of losing our loved one.  Two things that my grief counselor told me that actually helped.  She explained that no matter how old we are when we lose a parent, it always feels too soon, and it never seems "fair".  She also explained that maybe feeling that loss wasn't all bad, because maybe that's how love survives between people even after death.

I hope sharing my experience has helped in some way.  I wish you the best as you continue to move forward!

[sara1557]

 

 

14 hours ago, BlueGalaxy said:

Please accept my sincere condolences Sara.  My own mama passed unexpectedly nearly two years ago, and even though I know I was blessed to share 36 beautiful years with her, it doesn't feel anywhere close to long enough.  So much of the way you described your mom sounds just like mine.  She and I were very best friends, she was my hero, basically my everything.  My mom was also in poor health when she passed, though she died from a blood infection gone septic rather than cancer.  She spent so much time in and out of the hospital, so I know exactly what you mean about suffering when they do.  I've also had the same thought about how incredibly unfair it seems that my beautiful mama was taken.

It's so hard to imagine that you can miss someone so much and still survive the experience.  I'm lucky to be close to my dad as well, especially since I'm an only child, and he and I have really pulled together to support each other.  That said however, I find that I now live in terror of something happening to him, and I know I hover over him more than he'd like.

I wish I could give you easy answers, but I haven't found them if they exist.  What I can tell you is that no matter how alone you might feel, there are a world of people out there, myself included, who can and do relate.  So many of us have had and still have similar thoughts and feelings in the wake of losing our loved one.  Two things that my grief counselor told me that actually helped.  She explained that no matter how old we are when we lose a parent, it always feels too soon, and it never seems "fair".  She also explained that maybe feeling that loss wasn't all bad, because maybe that's how love survives between people even after death.

I hope sharing my experience has helped in some way.  I wish you the best as you continue to move forward!

Hi BlueGalaxy,

Thank you so much for your kind message. I am very, very sorry for the loss of your mother. I know words can only do so much but I am so glad to hear that you had such a beautiful relationship with your mom. I am also glad that you had 36 years with her, though of course I know that isn't enough. Something that helps me is to remember how lucky I am to have received my mother's love and even though she may not be physically here, no one can take away the memories and the love and laughter we shared. I hope you remember this as well  It's nice to also hear that you have your father to support you. I think its completely understandable that you fear losing him, but I dont see this as a bad thing at all. It's simply making sure you cherish him while he is and I think that's a wonderful thing. I like what your grief counselor said about loss being the way love survives between people even after death. That makes me think of the saying that grief is just the final act of life and where there is deep grief there is deep love. Also, through remembrance we continue to love. Something that scares me daily is the feeling that my mom left not knowing just how much I loved and cared for her but in my heart I believe that she did. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I'm sure your mother was and still is extremely proud of you. I wish you nothing but the best, keep your strength  x

[mydeepestthoughts]

Dear Sara1557

I am so sorry for the traumatic experiences that you have endured. No one should go through the sadness of seeing their mother suffer through the pain of chemotherapy,and the emotional and physical devastation that cancer brings upon the sufferer and their loved ones. I can tell that your mother was quite the woman...A strong woman with a real love for her children. That type of legacy is a reason for you to have strength, and confidence in yourself and your future goals.

I noted that you expressed a thought that many people have when bad things happen to Good people,and that is that God is to blame or at least should have done something to prevent it.

Many are taught that God is to blame for bad things and that he does that to make us stronger or to test us, or that he needed another angel.

That is far from the truth,just as you would have done all you could have to relieve your mother's suffering our heavenly parent God felt her torment and your tears now, and then.

James 1:13 Reads When under trial, let no one say: “I am being tried by God.” For with evil things God cannot be tried, nor does he himself try anyone.

So the feeling of anger that we feel is very Normal, but it is comforting to know that the tribulation is not from God.

2 Corinthians 1:3 describes him this way

Praised be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of tender mercies and the God of all comfort.

Yes...He is a tender God,not cruel and uncaring. So the question is..if God is not the Cause of human suffering,who is? And will God do something about it?

The link to the attached brochure Gives answers from the Bible that will bring comfort to you, and also hold out the hope that you will see your mother again!

https://www.jw.org/en/library/books/know-truth-tract/know-the-truth/

 

May you find comfort 

Condolences 

[Brenda35]

I am now so numb with saddness because I went through similar if not the same experience..my mom died a week ago..I have found comfort in your words and if it makes you feel better you are helping us/others as well..I think you are doing what your mom would have done as well- she seemed an amazing woman.