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My husband died of leukemia


Jttalways

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46 minutes ago, KayC said:

I loved how it fit me (I'm short) and I've always loved manuals,

I'm a shorty too, so I know what you mean.  My dad got me this cool little screw on stick shift extender so I didn't even have to lean over to reach it.

My parents were adamant that their kids know how to drive both manual and automatic.  My husband and I felt the same way.  Our daughter also prefers manual and the control it gives her.  Her dad took her on what he called "special driving" lessons so she would be confident and he would worry less:  Up and down hills, including stopping and starting mid-hill; tight parallel parking; steering out of a skid; fast evasion and swerving safely.  She'd come home exhausted, but proud.  And she's an excellent driver.

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It’s good to know how to drive manual. U never know when u might need it. On the show amazing race, I remember they had to drive these cars that were manual and several people didn’t know how to drive stick. My first car was stick. My dad tried to teach me for a month then he gave up. It took me awhile before I finally got the hang of it on my own. 
I made a picture slide show of my husband’s pictures and I keep watching it over and over. I shouldn’t because all it does is make me depressed but I can’t help it. I never knew pain or sadness like this. My mom was telling me about this woman she knows. Her first husband got cancer then passed away. She remarried and her 2nd husband got cancer and passed away. That is horrible. I’m 36 so I know some people think I’ll probably have another relationship or get married again, but heck no, I do not want to go thru this again!  

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On 10/17/2019 at 9:02 PM, Jttalways said:

My dad tried to teach me for a month then he gave up.

I was balking at it too.  I'd done all my driving school lessons (back when high schools had driver training) and practicing in automatics.  My dear grandpa let me borrow his car for that.  But every time my mom would take me to the church parking lot to learn manual, I'd freeze up and kind of freak out.  It was toward the end of summer, so my mom and I were going school clothes shopping.  I was super excited because (1) my parents had upped my budget by $150 and (2) I'd finally lost my "baby fat" and everything had shifted to where it should be.

We're partway to the mall and my mom pulled over.  She got out of the car and said, "You've had plenty of lessons.  You know what to do.  If you want to go shopping, you have to drive us there."  Well, that was the incentive I needed to buckle down and not let it frighten me so much.  It was easier from then on.

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Oh my goodness that’s similar to my experience. I was a senior in HS, one month left to graduate. My dad got me a manual car which he tried to teach me to drive to no avail. He and my mom were going on vacation for a week and he said “either you walk to school, or u can drive.” I drove 1 time to school while they were on vacay and I rolled thru every stop sign on the way there because I was scared to down shift. It took me several weeks to learn on my own. 

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25 minutes ago, Jttalways said:

I made a picture slide show of my husband’s pictures and I keep watching it over and over. I shouldn’t because all it does is make me depressed but I can’t help it. I never knew pain or sadness like this.

 Maybe watching it like that is what you need to help you right now.  Could it be that seeing it is allowing you to start to come to terms with him being gone?  No matter how hard it is or how much we might want to hide from it, we have no choice but to allow ourselves to grieve deeply.  It's been so painful for me that there are times I wonder how I'll live through it.  You're bound to be depressed when it hits you hard that the life you knew is gone and you have to figure out a new one. 

The truth is that none of us could ever anticipate pain and sadness like this.  I told our daughter today that there are simply no words in the world that can explain it.  She said something like, "No, I guess not succinctly."  I said, "No, sweetie, I mean at all.  There are no words I can say to you because it's something that has to be experienced.  And I don't want you to be able to understand that way.  If I seem reticent, its because of that and not because I want to shut you out."

You are so very young at 36, but you know your own heart and soul.  Ignore anyone who says nonsense like "You're young. You'll find someone new" or "You need to move on" or any other insensitive twaddle.

You'll no doubt continue to go through wild swings of emotions, from sadness to anger to frustration to blistering emotional pain.  The cliche of "one day at a time" is truly apt here.  Concentrate on getting through each day or even hour.  Please keep reaching out to us day or night.

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9 hours ago, Jttalways said:

I’m 36 so I know some people think I’ll probably have another relationship or get married again, but heck no, I do not want to go thru this again!  

foreverhis is right, ignore people that make remarks like "You're young, you'll find someone else."  I got that and I was 52!  I'm 67 now and have been on my own since George died, my daughter was with me a few months and my son in between the Air Force and college, but other than that, it's just me.  Whether or not we choose to have another relationship is entirely up to us and people can't predict, none of their business.  I hate the things people say to grievers!  I've learned to give them a smart-ass retort.  :wacko:

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Does the shock/denial ever wear off? I still wake up every morning with the feeling that there's been a huge terrible mistake, and i'm still waiting for it to be made right. Yesterday I kept thinking over and over "i wish it was 4 weeks ago. I wish it was 4 weeks ago." 4 weeks ago I could have made sure the doctor changed my husband's pain medication, but I didn't. I keep replaying in my head over and over what i could have done differently. I can't shake the "i'm in a nightmare and can't wake up" feeling. 

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Yes the shock/denial wears off...I can't tell you when, it's different for all of us, but it takes quite a while, for me I think more like years than months.  If only we could wake up from this.

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I'm coming back to this thread because the people on here are so great.  I've been struggling with something that I am SO ashamed of.  I judge other widows who move on after their husbands die.  Why?  What does it matter to me?  How does it affect me?  Why wouldn't I want them to be happy and find happiness in life?  In my mind, I know it's wrong to feel this way but emotionally, I can't help but feel like, why are you talking about grief, you moved on. 

There was one woman in particular that I had met on Smartpatients.com and then became Facebook friends with.  When she revealed that she was seeing someone, I felt betrayed, like she wasn't still grieving and I was.  I felt like she had no right to post about missing her late husband or her pain in one breath and about how excited she was about finding someone new in the next breath.  I never said anything to her about it, I just ghosted her and I feel terrible about it but really wanted nothing to do with her after that.  As I said, I'm ashamed to have treated any other widow this way and it's bothered me for a long time.   

I know all of those thoughts are stupid, irrational and not fact but can't help the way I felt.  I have come to terms with how wrong I was but cannot figure out for the life of me why I felt this way or did this in the first place.  I'm not jealous of her and have no desire to move on myself, so why would I take her life so personally?  Am I such a horrible person that I could not be happy for her and support her?  I don't understand it at all.   

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On 11/1/2019 at 10:06 AM, Rhonda R said:

I know all of those thoughts are stupid, irrational and not fact but can't help the way I felt.  I have come to terms with how wrong I was but cannot figure out for the life of me why I felt this way or did this in the first place.

No, your thoughts are not stupid, though grief can often be irrational, so...maybe a little bit of that.  Your feelings are your feelings and do not need justification.  I wouldn't say you were wrong, again because it was how you honestly reacted to events.  But if you'll allow me as a third party observer, I have some thoughts about it.

On 11/1/2019 at 10:06 AM, Rhonda R said:

I've been struggling with something that I am SO ashamed of.  I judge other widows who move on after their husbands die.  Why?  What does it matter to me?

Again, please do not be ashamed of your feelings.  Sometimes we have no idea why we react the way we do, especially now.  I think it's good that you're examining why you feel the way you do, but shame should not enter into it.  Perhaps if you had actually personally berated someone like the woman you met, then okay, you might tell yourself, "I owe her an apology."

Why it matters to you, to all of us, is that we have lost the most precious person in our lives, our soul mates, and we cannot imagine anyone ever "filling" the void or helping to heal our hearts.  A small additional thought here is one thing that your emotions are probably misinterpreting.  It is my opinion and firm belief that widows or widowers who find companionship or a new relationship have not "moved on," but have brought their love forward with them and incorporated their loves into their hearts and minds always.

On 11/1/2019 at 10:06 AM, Rhonda R said:

When she revealed that she was seeing someone, I felt betrayed, like she wasn't still grieving and I was.  I felt like she had no right to post about missing her late husband or her pain in one breath and about how excited she was about finding someone new in the next breath.

I understand.  It's kind of like watching everyone we know go back to and on with their lives while I sit here feeling as if my life has little meaning and is so full of pain that it's a wonder I'm actually surviving it.  I think it's probably also in part because when we find someone who is a kindred spirit and that person changes, we feel abandoned and alone.  That's a perfectly normal reaction.  How, we wonder, can you claim to be both grieving the loss of your husband while falling in love with someone else?  As if these are two incompatible emotions.  I've realized they are not.

But I feel certain she is still grieving in her own way and in her own time.  That's one thing that Nora McInerny's TED Talk made me think about.  She mentioned that most of the people she knew thought, "Oh she's fallen in love again.  She's over it, moved on, and not grieving now."  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Grief doesn't vanish just because someone also has love.  No one will replace this woman's husband because love never diminishes, it only multiplies.

I'm going to ask you to consider if part of your anger and upset stemmed from concern for her jumping into a new relationship while she was deep in grieving and vulnerable to being hurt even more.

 

On 11/1/2019 at 10:06 AM, Rhonda R said:

  I never said anything to her about it, I just ghosted her and I feel terrible about it but really wanted nothing to do with her after that.  As I said, I'm ashamed to have treated any other widow this way and it's bothered me for a long time.

Well, ghosting is pretty harsh in most cases, but perhaps not in this one.  You absolutely needed distance and explaining your feelings to her would probably have been hurtful to you both.  You obviously feel bad about it now.  If you contact her and explain that you simply could not accept or support her decision then and needed to separate for your own sanity, then you may feel better no matter how she responds.  You will have laid what you believe to be your "guilt" (not the right word, but I can't think of another right now) right out there and admitted something she almost certainly already knows:  You are a human being.  You needed to put yourself and your feelings above all others.  At times we all resent others for various reasons.  With our grief being right there all the time, seeing someone else we perceive to have "moved on" is liable to rip some of our scars right open again.  You reacted like the loving and flawed human being you (and we) are.

The thing is that we all grieve differently.  We all figure out the life we are forced to live now at our own pace and in our own time.  It's natural for you to feel as if she has no right to say she's still grieving while she is also talking about falling in love.  But you've obviously realized that we can be both at the same time. It's not something I am open to.  I do not want another companion or relationship, but I'm working toward not judging those who are or who do, much like you are.  If it feels right, then talk to her about it.  Even if she tells you to get lost or that you weren't there for her or that she felt you looked down on her, you will have admitted what happened, explained why, and then perhaps you will allow yourself to feel less shame and guilt.

I hope this helps because I truly feel you are putting a heavier burden on yourself than it warranted.  And another grieving spouse should understand that.

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On 11/1/2019 at 10:06 AM, Rhonda R said:

I judge other widows who move on after their husbands die.  Why?  What does it matter to me?  How does it affect me?  Why wouldn't I want them to be happy and find happiness in life?  In my mind, I know it's wrong to feel this way but emotionally, I can't help but feel like, why are you talking about grief, you moved on. 

But they haven't necessarily moved on.  Some do it to avoid their grief because it's too painful.  Others are trying to rebuild their lives or avoid putting too much emotional pressure on their kids.  They STILL have to grieve and it will catch up with them and haunt them until they deal with it.  There IS no avoiding grief no matter how hard we try.  A friend of mine lost her husband three years ago.  A year ago she had a guy move in with her...he just died.  She was trying to avoid her grief.  Now she has a double whammy to deal with.  I'm going to try to get her to go to my grief support group, I tried a couple of years ago but she is shy around people and didn't come.

An important consideration is you don't need others to respond as you do to validate your grief or way of grieving.  We all handle this different and we all try our best with what we know.  Another thing to consider is not all of our relationships are the same...loss of spouse for you will be different than loss of spouse for another.  A friend of mine lost her husband years ago...personally she's glad "the old coot is gone!"  She has good reason for feeling that way, he was a mean alcoholic that beat on her.  She never wanted to remarry.  She became friends/companions with my FIL after my MIL died, but he never professed his love to her because he was afraid it'd drive her away.  We talked about it after he died, I was so surprised he'd never told her, it was no secret to the rest of us!

I've heard it said that those who had the best marriages are more likely to desire another.  Of course that speaks for some and not all but I've heard that said many times.

Some people are so lonely they feel the need to find someone else.  Maybe they have no familial support or their friends all disappeared when their spouse died.  It happens.

It happened to me.

And it's true our feelings are just that...feelings.  They aren't a barometer of anything, they're there to contend with (IMO), neither good nor bad, they are just feelings. 

Another thing to consider is comparisons are invalidators.  When we compare ourselves or our situation to another's, it invalidates ours or their situation/feelings.

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In my parents church, I know men who have lost their wives and they remarried immediately afterwards, I’m talking a few months. 1 even tried to marry 1 month after his wife passed, but his children and other members of the church were so upset about it that he pushed the wedding to 2 months. But I think men need to be with someone, especially if they’ve been married for 30+ years, it’s like they don’t know how to be alone. I know if roles were reversed, my 35 yr old husband wouldn’t have stayed single and it would have been foolish of me to think so. Do any of you feel, if roles were reversed, that your husband would have stayed single or remarried?

I think jumping into a relationship for some is their way of coping. I don’t feel it’s right to rush into a relationship to help with grief. But if a good amount of time has passed, I don’t think there is anything wrong with it. A man (he’s in his late 50s) at my work lost his wife of 31 years 4 years ago to cancer. After her death he attempted suicide and sought professional help for it. He just recently got married. He told me “I will always love my (1st) wife, but I know she would have wanted me to be happy, because I would have wanted her to be happy.” I know he took his wife’s death extremely hard, so I’m happy for him now because he seems happy. His adult children are mad at him about it though. I think it’s natural to have that “betrayed” feeling when u hear someone has moved on. 
I’m 36 and I don’t know what the future holds, but I am not planning on looking for a new relationship and I absolutely do not want to get married again. But I don’t know if when I’m older if I am going to want companionship. I have always been an independent person and I know that if I am single for the rest of my life, I will be perfectly fine with that. But I know there’s a lot of people out there that are not like that. 

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5 hours ago, KayC said:

I've heard it said that those who had the best marriages are more likely to desire another.  Of course that speaks for some and not all but I've heard that said many times.

I've heard that too and a couple of people have mentioned that.  For me, it's just the opposite.  I had a marriage so binding with a thread of love so permanent that I cannot imagine another.  Even if I met some really great man down the line, I wouldn't be interested.  And even if on the off chance I decided to get to know him, the poor guy wouldn't stand a chance because I would be spending all my time comparing, knowing that no one could ever measure up.  I have to force myself to not put my love on a pedestal, but remember everything about him--even the little things that used to irritate me and, of course, he had the usual human imperfections.

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I got a ring made with my husband’s ashes and I absolutely love it! I ordered it thru Jessica Dennis designs. 

 

BEEBF056-95D9-4C08-92D8-A47601642C9C.jpeg

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I cleaned out my closet today. I cleared out a lot of my clothes and cleared out most of my husband’s clothes. Let me first say that I am the opposite of a hoarder. I’m a minimalist and I am always throwing things out. Before my husband’s last hospitalization, he expressed that he would like a new wardrobe. So he and I went thru his clothes and threw a lot out. I got him new underwear, socks, shirts, shorts, pants, baseball caps, etc. I got him new everything, I wanted it to be there waiting for him when he got out of the hospital. It broke my heart that he never got to wear any of it. The week he passed, those new clothes were a major trigger for me and I broke down every time I saw them. So I returned all that I could return. I kept some of his clothing, especially the clothing I think my son would like when he gets a little older. But, like I said, the majority of it’s gone. It’s not sitting right with me. I sobbed after I was done and now my heart hurts. I don’t regret doing it, I just think it’s making it more of a reality. I miss my husband. 

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14 hours ago, Jttalways said:

I got a ring made with my husband’s ashes and I absolutely love it! I ordered it thru Jessica Dennis designs. 

 

BEEBF056-95D9-4C08-92D8-A47601642C9C.jpeg

I wish I'd known about this before I scattered my husband's ashes.  How wonderful!  I would find it very comforting.

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6 hours ago, Jttalways said:

I sobbed after I was done and now my heart hurts. I don’t regret doing it, I just think it’s making it more of a reality. I miss my husband. 

(((hugs)))  It is one of the hardest things to do.  After I boxed up my husband's clothes, the boxes sat in the bedroom for 1 1/2 months until it hit me what to do with them.  I also sent sweaters to his kids, he loved sweaters and they're so cuddly.  I still have a few items of clothing, his robe, fishing vest, a couple of special things.

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When I mentioned to my in-laws my intentions of having some jewelry made with my husband’s ashes, they were appalled. They probably thought “this girl is crazy!” I would like to get something made for my MIL, but after her reaction, I don’t think it would be a good idea. My son and I also have necklace pendants with my husband’s ashes in it. It is super comforting to me. I feel like my husband is always with me physically. There are websites that claim to make diamonds with ashes, but they are ridiculously expensive. Plus, I read that they are a bit of hoax because diamonds are made from carbon and there’s not much carbon in human ashes. I will eventually scatter my husband’s ashes in a year or 2, so that’s another reason why I wanted the jewelry. 

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I wonder if you couldn't have something made that can be worn as a pendant OR as used as a Christmas ornament?  If it grosses her out, she needn't display it, but I would think she'd find it comforting as well.  Maybe she hadn't heard of it before and just needs time to let it grow on her.  I WISH I'd done this, by the time I'd heard of it, it was too late.

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I had Randy’s wedding ring finger print immediately casted after he died. They made a silver pendant out of the cast and if I ever lose it, they keep it forever so I can have another made. I wear it on a necklace with his wedding ring every day. I still wear my wedding rings every day. 

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I want to thank all of you for your responses. You have given me a lot to think about and process and I will. You are all correct, we all handle grief differently and my way is not the only way or the right way. I am very independent and this person was not. I still don’t understand how the love for two different men is intertwined but hope to understand it one day. I agree that my husband, no matter what he said, would have moved forward with another relationship one day. I used to say never ever but now I say, not now for sure and maybe not ever. I’m okay with that. Like all of you, my husband was my everything and I can’t imagine anyone ever coming even close to him. I have to catch myself not putting Randy on a pedestal too, he wasn’t perfect but perfect for me. Thanks again for not judging me, as I did others. 

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8 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

I had Randy’s wedding ring finger print immediately casted after he died. They made a silver pendant out of the cast and if I ever lose it, they keep it forever so I can have another made. I wear it on a necklace with his wedding ring every day. I still wear my wedding rings every day. 

I had my wedding band resized so I could wear it on my right hand..  Now with the dog bites I sustained I haven't been able to get it on and fear I won't be able to, the trauma to my right ring finger was very great and the swelling may never abate.  It cost me $275 to have it resized because of the different types of gold in it.

 

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12 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

I wear it on a necklace with his wedding ring every day. I still wear my wedding rings every day. 

I wear my husband's wedding ring on a necklace too.  I have my favorite pendant with it, one he bought for me "just because" I loved it.  It's a small open carved gold oval with Disneyland's Sleeping Beauty's castle inside.  I rarely asked for jewelry, so it was really special when he sneaked back to the shop and bought it.  I had hoped to have his wedding ring shaped so that they could be fitted together, but ours are black hills gold and it can't be without ruining it.

I will wear my wedding ring on my left hand for the rest of my life.  The one other woman my age in the family who lost her husband a few years back has moved hers to her right hand.  We do not judge each other for our choices because we realize that whatever gives us comfort is what matters.  But I have to say that at first I thought, "How could she do that?" and had to admonish myself later.

11 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

I have to catch myself not putting Randy on a pedestal too, he wasn’t perfect but perfect for me. Thanks again for not judging me, as I did others. 

I think one reason we don't tend to judge each other here is that we have all been guilty of judging others at one time or another.  Once we find our way here, whether it's soon after or months/years later, we are all welcomed.  That made me think, "Who am I to think negatively about how someone else grieves?  I expect everyone to respect how I do."

It is so easy to put them on a pedestals, isn't it?  To only think about the good and wonderful, while ignoring the fact that they were human beings with all the inherent flaws that go along with it.  But I ask myself too why I should dwell on those "negatives" and why I would want to basically put him down now that he can't defend himself.  I choose to remember and focus on the things that made me love him most.  I don't think there's anything wrong with that.  But I do have to "slap" myself sometimes when I seem to be making him into a fictional hero.  He was all too real and all too fallible, as are we all.

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4 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It is so easy to put them on a pedestals, isn't it?  To only think about the good and wonderful, while ignoring the fact that they were human beings with all the inherent flaws that go along with it.  But I ask myself too why I should dwell on those "negatives" and why I would want to basically put him down now that he can't defend himself.  I choose to remember and focus on the things that made me love him most.  I don't think there's anything wrong with that.  But I do have to "slap" myself sometimes when I seem to be making him into a fictional hero.  He was all too real and all too fallible, as are we all.

My husband and I fought all the time. We fought hard, but we also loved hard. We were going thru a rough patch when he got sick. All the BS went out the window after he was diagnosed. My husband apologized and thanked me multiple times for being there for him during his treatment. I meant it when i said "in sickness and health, for better or worse." 2 weeks after my husband passed, a coworker asked me "was your husband saved?" I replied "Saved? What do you mean?" He said "did he commit his soul to God?" I answered "was he baptized? no he was not. but I don't know what God would see someone suffer so much and not remember them. I believe death pays for our sins." I cant expect God to forgive my husband if I cant forgive him myself. And he did suffer, he suffered a lot. I totally understand the "making him into a fictional hero" thing or romanticizing our marriage. But like you, I choose to remember the good things.

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23 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I wear my husband's wedding ring on a necklace too.

I may have to go to doing that.  Jackson's dogbites have left my finger a full size larger and I can't wear my wedding band anymore...it cost me $275 last time I had it resized because it has platinum and yellow gold and also an inscription inside.  I can't afford to keep doing this!  I miss wearing it, it's been 2 1/2 weeks.

 

21 hours ago, Jttalways said:

2 weeks after my husband passed, a coworker asked me "was your husband saved?"

Wow.  Don't you wish people would reserve some of their comments?  His soul his between him and God and God knew him better than anyone, I imagine Him to be more merciful and loving than anyone too!

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On ‎10‎/‎21‎/‎2019 at 2:48 PM, Jttalways said:

I still wake up every morning with the feeling that there's been a huge terrible mistake

I remember this feeling so well.  It felt like I had a 20 pound weight on my chest and a big hole in the rest of me.  Something just wasn't right.  It was awful to carry that feeling around all day, every day but it does go away.  It takes time and acceptance.  Acceptance is hard because no one wants to accept this. 

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I hated the word "acceptance" when I lost George because I felt to accept it would be to say it's okay and of course it never will be.  But I finally realized that "acceptance" as in psychology terms, doesn't mean you agree with or like it, it only means you realize it has happened, it's sunk in.  It's a process and can take a while before that reality sinks in.  At first we still expect them to come through the door or call on the phone, it takes quite a while to realize that's not going to happen.  It changes our "normal" to a new one, or our reality to one that is different.  We don't have to like it to realize it's happened.  

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On 11/5/2019 at 8:47 AM, KayC said:

Jackson's dogbites have left my finger a full size larger and I can't wear my wedding band anymore...it cost me $275 last time I had it resized because it has platinum and yellow gold and also an inscription inside.  I can't afford to keep doing this!  I miss wearing it, it's been 2 1/2 weeks.

Oh gosh, that is a pricey procedure for you.  I suggest you wait a little while longer in case the swelling subsides.  Finger injuries can take a long time to heal because there are lots of nerve, but no soft tissue and less blood flow to speed that along.  The first time I had a finger injury it took 3 months to get back to normal.  But I understand completely how wrong it feels not to wear it.

I always had pretty small ring fingers (size 5).  Our wedding bands aren't super wide, but enough so that we had to have my wedding ring made about 5-1/2.  That was fine until about 10 years ago when my Raynaud's disease (auto immune) caused swelling in my hands and I'd sometimes have to use the old soap and water trick to slip it on and off.  Then I smacked my left hand into the steel banister one day and messed up the second joint permanently.  About 6 weeks later I had to get it resized again to 6-1/2.  The weeks I could not wear it made me feel so weird. 

I usually take it off to do house chores, baking, or work in the garden.  If my auto immune symptoms are really bad, I take it off at bedtime because overnight swelling causes real problems.  There were times when I'd go out to the store and forget to put it on.  It wasn't as if I was less married without it, but it just felt wrong.  It got so bad that I'd tuck my ring into a zip pocket of my wallet when I took it off just in case I forgot to put it on and went out.  Once it bothered me so much that I took my small hairband and wrapped it around my ring finger until I got home.  I asked my husband if that made me weird, but he said no that my ring was more than a symbol to me, it was part of both of us.  It still is and always will be.

I am so sorry you now have lasting physical reminders of such an emotionally and physically painful experience.

 

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8 hours ago, KayC said:

But I finally realized that "acceptance" as in psychology terms, doesn't mean you agree with or like it, it only means you realize it has happened, it's sunk in. 

EXACTLY KAY!!!!  I will NEVER be okay with the fact Randy died. 

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My husband and I would always watch the sunset from his hospital room. Most of the time he’d have a room on the side with the perfect view. I live on the 2nd floor and I stepped outside to watch the sunset. But I’m not high enough and there’s other buildings and trees in the way. I needed to see that sunset but I couldn’t. I could just see the top of it. I broke down and started sobbing. I keep coming back here because I know you all understand. My heart aches and I know yours do too. I feel so alone but I don’t feel alone here. 

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Jttalways,

I don't know when, or if, that sort of thing stops happening.  I am over 2 1/2 years out, and it still happens to me. I broke into tears today talking with a friend who was helping me with some home repairs.  My husband would normally have taken care of these things.  I really appreciated the help. But once I started crying, I just couldn't stop. 

I call these events " trap doors".  I don't see them coming, I am just trying to live this new life. When all of a sudden John's absence is just overwhelmingly sad.  I fall through another trap door into a pit of grief. 

I don't mind it so much when I am by myself, like with your sunset, but I feel worse when like today, someone else is present. I know the other person feels badly for me, and they don't know what to do or say.  There isn't anything they can do or say.  It's like a migraine headache, you just have to wait it out. It will pass.  

Before John's death, I was usually very much in control of my emotions.  I would not cry in public, not even at my parent's funerals.  I would hold it together until John and I were home, and then i could break down.   But now, when i fall through one of these trap doors, that can be brought on by a sunset, a kingfisher bird flying by, or repainting a shed, I have no control. The tears just flow.

Along with all  of the other emotional hardships of losing my spouse, (fear, loneliness, guilt, etc) I am frustrated by this lack of control over my emotions.  I don't want my new normal to be that I am the old lady who will just start crying at the drop of a hat.

Peace,

Gail

 

 

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Gail,

I hope it helps to know you are not alone...ALL of us here have "lost control."  I remember taking the shuttle back to work from our auto repair, about a year after George died, suddenly I remember he had ridden the same shuttle and I lost it.  I bawled!  The shuttle was full of people and everyone got quiet, no one knew what was wrong with me.  I was horribly embarrassed but couldn't quit crying.

13 hours ago, Jttalways said:

I needed to see that sunset but I couldn’t. I could just see the top of it.

Can you go outside to view it?  I can't see the sunset either from my place because of the tall trees and building, I have to physically go out to the street to see it.  I understand your need to see it, at least sometimes!  You will always think of him when you do.  

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11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I call these events " trap doors".  I don't see them coming, I am just trying to live this new life. When all of a sudden John's absence is just overwhelmingly sad.  I fall through another trap door into a pit of grief. 

Yes, that's exactly what they are, trap doors into pits of grief. I would call them "triggers." I think of my husband all the time, but only on the surface. If I think too hard about him, I start sobbing uncontrollably. I was like you Gail, control of my emotions, not too emotional in public. Even when my husband was battling his cancer I had to put on a brave face and tried not to cry too much. I always felt I had to be strong for him and our son. Now I am a blubbering mess.  I still put on a brave front at work and in front of my family. But when I am home, I am a broken mess. My son is the only one who knows how much I cry. 

 

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Can you go outside to view it?  I can't see the sunset either from my place because of the tall trees and building, I have to physically go out to the street to see it.  I understand your need to see it, at least sometimes!  You will always think of him when you do.  

I cant see it from where I live, there's too many buildings and trees in the way. My husband's hospital room always had the best view from the 4th floor. I took many pictures of the sunset from there. 1 day i will print 1 of the photos and frame it. Here's 1 of them:

 

IMG_3679.jpg

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I’m at the hospital right now. I brought my son to his PT appointment. From where I’m parked, I can see the ICU building. I walked to the front of the building and stared up at the window of the room my husband died in. I pictured myself in that window on 9/24, staring out, tears streaming down my face, eyes full of sorrow while still trying to cling to hope. I miss my husband. I wish I could see him and talk to him.

We did the leukemia & lymphoma society’s light the night walk on Saturday. It was nice but also very sad. I wish my husband could have been there with us. 

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Jttalways,

That must be so hard.  I had great difficulty just going to a random hospital, 2.5 years after my husband's death.  I have not had to go back to any of the 3 facilities he spent his last 25 days in. 

Going to the hospital where your husband died is very likely to be a trigger for your grief.  Sending you hugs to get you through this difficult day. 

Gail

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Jttalways,

It is hard going to the hospital after they die, especially the one they were in.  I had to do that about a year after he died, to visit my friend's husband, and I couldn't stop the tears flowing.  He appreciated my being there to visit him but I know it pained him to see what it cost me.  But I wouldn't have not gone, they were both very dear to me.  Sometimes we just have to push through it, man it's hard though.  :(

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Did everyone have a good thanksgiving? Mine was ok. I don’t know what’s worse, staying home and missing my husband or being surrounded by family and missing my husband. I can’t help but feel being surrounded by family makes me miss my husband more. I might prefer staying home being all alone and miserable. I don’t know how I am going to get through this New Year’s. Last New Year’s Eve, my husband was so happy that 2018 was over. We kissed and hugged each other at midnight, hopeful 2019 was going to be a much better year. He was sure that all the bad stuff was being left behind in 2018. Never in a million years did we think 2019 was going to be the year he would die. I don’t think I want to go any where for NYE.

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I went to a friend's, we didn't eat until 7:30....I'm used to going to bed at 8 or 8:30 so that was pretty late for me.  Most of the day was spent alone.  It felt weird not being with family.

I'm sorry it was so hard for you.  It's felt weird not being able to talk to my kids, they don't answer their phones.

I'm not used to celebrating NY anyway, but of course it'd be different if George were here.

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Today is my wedding anniversary. 16 years. The first anniversary I’ve been without my husband.
Last year we celebrated our anniversary in a hospital room. I fed you a slice of cake and shared the rest with the nurses. Today is the day I’ve been dreading the most since you passed. I cried all last night and all morning. Happy Anniversary my love. 

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@Jttalways  I'm sorry, I remember how painful those early anniversaries were, what should have been a happy celebratory day...wasn't.  I wish I had some words to console you with.  

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Thank you @KayC

Hopefully future anniversaries won’t be so painful, but why do I have a feeling they still will? 

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The pain diminishes in time as we (unthinkably) get more accustomed to living without them here with us.  Something I never thought would happen.  It does NOT mean we love or miss them any less!  It merely means that our bodies have an amazing way of resiliency which is to be coveted and we are not meant to go through the initial pain of loss indefinitely.  We could not handle that long term, meaning years and years.

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