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One year today


JES

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Lost my husband of 25 yrs. a year ago today.  I've been dreading this day... I had been doing pretty well until I changed oil in his truck about 2 wks. ago.  It hit me so hard. Then son and family lost their 6 month old boxer to heart attack....went to her burial...so tough for all. Nephew had to have his old dog put down and bring his young dog to Humane society as new rental doesnt allow dogs.  Went to cottage with sister, niece called frantic, their dog (5yr.old) had gotten hold of sugarfree gum and eaten it. He was seizuring and going into coma. Rushed to vet, given glucose, then had to take him to animal hospital 3 hrs away. His liver was failing...thankfully with iv's and meds he made it and home after 4 days.  Next night at cottage my female springer got sprayed by skunk, had to sleep in skunk smell all night in cottage, I cried half the time there and when we left, was not a good trip.  Got home after those 2 days, sister couldnt find her cat in house. Had left food and water in various spots for her. Finally realized she was shut in bedroom..snuck in before we left. Poor Kitty..not able to get to her food or water.for 2 days.  She was ok tho and doing well...we were starting to feel  jinxed, afraid for what next.  I had this feeling of doom, crying over anything.  At home I started cleaning closets..daughter moving in with me for awhile..found whole box of cards, hundreds of post its and letters from Kevin. I sat for 2 days and read all of them and cried entire time.  So many wonderful memories came back...I was meant to find them at this time. He was so good to me, so loving and positive..and a big romantic. So glad I saved them all..as I can read them and almost feel him here again.  And then waking up today at the year mark....I was amazed to find most of my sadness was gone. I had a good day, no tears, had energy, painted, good thoughts.  Hard to believe when I dreaded it so much.  Sorry so long a post but just strange the way it all went....wanted to share it....  Thinking of all of you on this journey and sending hope.  Remembering my dear sweet Kevin today and always.  Love you sweetie!!    Jeanne

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Jes,I'm so sorry for the hard few weeks.
And happy the day wasn't awful.
I think of you often just don't feel like posting,but must let you know I'm thinking of you.The box of cards was meant for you to find to remind you of his on going love for you,to bring you peace on this day.
I love you.
Sleep well[emoji307][emoji8]

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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Jeannie, I am at a loss for words, you have been through so much, my heart bleeds for your family's heartaches, what you've gone through, all of you with your furry family.  I can't tell you how good it felt to hear of your reading your cards for two days, what a blessing your husband was, as mine was to me, that at the very time it's often the hardest (anv of death) he blessed you with his love again.

And Billie Rae, I have missed you, always so uplifting.

(((hugs to all)))

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MODArtemis2019

Thank you for sharing your story. The fear I am familiar with: once the most awful loss has occurred, I think we are all so scared of losing others important to us. I know I am. But I'm happy for your ability to move through this vary hard time to a place of peace at least for a day. What a blessing to have all those cards and letters, and to allow them to uplift you.  

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On 9/24/2019 at 10:38 AM, KayC said:

And Billie Rae, I have missed you, always so uplifting.

I miss Billie Rae too, wonder how she is doing. I am here everyday in the shadows and new people keep coming with more loss that is never ending part of life. I wonder if coming here keeps me stuck in grief but no one else really understands how hard this is.

Sunday will be the one year anniversary of the instant that changed our life. It feels like reliving the last days together but unable to save him or change that awful day. 

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1 hour ago, ccoflove said:

I wonder if coming here keeps me stuck in grief but no one else really understands how hard this is.

I don't think so.  I've been on grief forums for over 14 years, yet I've processed my grief, found purpose, built a life I can live, accepted that he's gone (not that I like it).  It's okay to want to be someplace where people get it even while we work on our grief.

1 hour ago, ccoflove said:

Sunday will be the one year anniversary of the instant that changed our life. It feels like reliving the last days together but unable to save him or change that awful day. 

I'm sorry...praying the day isn't as bad as right now, sometimes it goes that way, our dread of it can be worse than the day itself.  Hoping for peace for you.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/06/in-grief-dreading-anniversary-date-of.html

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2 hours ago, ccoflove said:

I wonder if coming here keeps me stuck in grief but no one else really understands how hard this is.

I don't believe it's keeping me stuck because I know I am "better" than I was last December when I first came here.  I've found tremendous comfort and help from the members here, and I like to think that I have helped others a little bit.

You're right that no one else can truly understand what this grief is like, how it feels, what it has done to our lives.  And that's precisely why I don't think being here each day is holding me back.  Some days I read bit and go on with my day.  Other days, I see threads or posts that resonate deeply.  I may just take it in and be comforted remembering that I am not alone.  I may have several things to say, like today where I think this is my fourth post.  I think we each take out of the forums and from each other what we need at any given time.  I suspect that over time, I will visit and post less often, but I don't think I'll ever stop coming here for support and encouragement.

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20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I like to think that I have helped others a little bit.

You have!  I appreciate your presence here.

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I think we each take out of the forums and from each other what we need at any given time.

For sure.

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Thank you Kay C and foreverhis. I dont mean to sound ungrateful of the forum, it has been a great support and comfort to know I am not alone in going through this. My grief feels all consuming like an obsession but it takes a lot of work to process this loss. The article mentioning the anniversary as a right of passage and a milestone feels true to me but it is just another day and wont be an endpoint for the pain. I plan to go to church and plant some flowers at the tree he crashed into. A friend of his placed an anchor cross at the site but was off a day on his birthday and missed a letter on his last name so I want to bring my paints and correct it. Thanks for being here.

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@ccoflove  You have plans for it and that helps.  Doing something constructive like that as a way of honoring him is a good way to spend that day.

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