She died in 2012 but........

[candycane]

My mother died in 2012. I am not as "hysterical" with the major crying as I was. I was in a panic for a very long time and that is starting to ease. But it still manifests. And the crying spells still happen. Always when I am alone. And not as often.

I loved her compliments to me and I took them for granted. She always complimented me and I would brush it off. "There's Mom again telling me I am pretty. She always says that". I would think it to myself, not say it to her. She sent me cards all the time and  flowers on special occasions. I did not value them then like I would value them now if I had them back. I never knew how strong an impact my mother had on my life. She was more than just another person but I was not aware how dependent I was on her. Only after she died did it happen. I could not cope and at times still can't not having her there to lean on. Then end result is anxiety and panic that comes and goes. But mostly comes. What a thing to be left with!

I have concluded I will always miss her. I never want to stop missing her. But I wish the scary panic feelings would go away for good. . I was in a pool at a gym the other day and a woman was saying her husband of 50 years died in 2012 and I said, "wow, it wasn't that long ago". She looked at me like was crazy (yeah!) and said 'I think it was a long time ago". I said, "How are you coming along"? and she coldly said "I'm totally over him". (her words, not mine). 

I was shocked to hear those words.  How can you be totally over someone?

I hope I never get over my mother but I do look forward to not feeling panic that I can't have her love and affection any more.

 

 

 

 

[tessa]

Hi Candy,
I'm sorry for your loss.
I lost my mother a little over 2 years ago and I too still have anxiety. It feels really weird and scary to no longer have them around.
They were always there for us. I could always go home if things went bad, there was always a room and food for me.
But not anymore. It's scary now and I don't know how to stop the anxiety.
On the upside, we are the lucky ones to have had a parent/s who loved us for so long.

[Enonymous]

Dear Candy, I am sorry you are suffering.  There is no way to replace such a special bond, but you CAN make new bonds.

Perhaps one day you will have children of your own.  Or, volunteer to be a mentor for a child.  Or, even spend some time

helping out at a nursing home, which can be a very lonely place.

The woman who made the cold comment about her husband may simply be coping in the only way she can.

To keep caring is just too much of a burden for some persons.