Reminders

[ccoflove]

I live in our world but you arent here. There is nowhere at home i can divert my eyes without memories of you and our life together. Your musical instruments collecting dust that you played so beautifully. The fishing tackle box you gave me one year for Christmas and that fish you accidentally threw away after fileting it. The throw pillows your son made that you treasured since he's gone too. You carried that loss so quitely, his photo in a box in the basement cause it "was too painful". Is that where you belong now too? The smell of Old Spice deodorant and mouthwash as you readied for the day, I wear it, a whif is as close to a hug as I can come. That old little coffee pot that sometimes leaked out the bottom that you insisted was fine. Our precious dog, you found for us the perfect girl. The clock I stopped at the time of your departure. All the little projects we did to improve this little home, each an act of love. I have all the things that made up our life, all but you. Do I stuff as much of it in storage and try to forget this past life?

You are constant in my mind after 10 months. All thoughts circle back to you. You use to joke .. 7 days without my C made one weak. Its been hundreds of days, I am so weak now. What kind of life is longing for the past, that which cant be anymore? Should I leave it all and start anew? The reminders keep your memory close but they come with the pain of missing you so much. I dont know how to live this way, its exhausting. I am your living memorial, its my job to remember and carry you but the weight of it is so heavy. It leaves no room for new a new life which i must somehow against all my pleading for you to come back must find for myself alone. There is no rest from the hurt. It is either a dull numbness or pain. If lucky a momentary distraction.

I know its up to each of us.. But how do you live with constant reminders of a life no more? Is it better to tuck it away and try and forget a little? Its all I have left now. I hoard and cling to whats left. To be rid of it seems yet another loss. A waste of all our time and energy, and you didnt let anything ever go to waste. To live close to it all magnifies whats missing. I am so lost in no mans land.

[beaniele]

Those words describe just how I feel about the loss of my darling husband. Ten months now....

Linda

[Gail 8588]

"I don't know how to live this way,"

Ccoflove,

It is  2 and 1/2 years since my husband died.   When I try to explain to close friends who ask how I am,  my response is  " I just have not figured out how to live without John."   I don't want to be just a living memorial to my husband,  but I cannot remove his existence from my home.  I don't want to erase him from my life.  I don't know where the correct balance lies.  For me it is still evolving.

I was financially unable to continue living in the home we owned at the time of his death.  So in some ways I think this aspect of my new life was made somewhat easier.  In my new home I had to specifically chose to hang a painting here or there, display a sculpture or not, include a music room or not.   I had a blank canvas of a home and I made affirmative choices to include John's presence. The clothes he wore the day he had his stroke, hang in my closet.  His art, music, and books fill my home.  His hand written papers are still in drawers; profound and mundane, they are items I can't part with. His recliner sits in the TV room, usually occupied by our dog.   

But more directly to your question,  What should you do,  pack up his things and start fresh, or be surrounded by his memory?   I think you should do what you are able to do.   If you are able to close this chapter of your life and move forward to something or someone new, that is wonderful.  A fresh start does not diminish the love you had together.  If you are not able to part with the things that make you feel his presence, then take your time and be cradled by his presence.  It is alright to take comfort in the remnants of your life together.  When you are able, you will make adjustments that work for you.  Trust yourself to make the right decision at the right time.  

 

 

 

[KayC]

Yes, there is no right answer for everyone, it is up to each of us to find what is best for us...and that can be ever evolving.

[ccoflove]

Thank you Gail. I guess it is about striking a balance. The material things are a comfort over all, it would feel too much like erasing our life together so they have remained mostly as is but you are right about letting it evolve. I will just have to let life unfold and make changes as they come as change is constant whether i like it or not. I sometimes sort of lament changes to the external places in town where we lived that he isnt around to see and wonder what he would think like restaurants we frequented changing or a new building going up. I do feel fortunate to have the choice to decide. I appreciate your advice. 

[KayC]

I felt that way when the place we honeymooned was torn down.  Life goes on for the world around us and all of the changes with it, but in our mind's eye, it remains the same and we talk to them, the ghost of our spouse as if they were with us still.  Perhaps they are.  There seems to be a fine line between sanity and insanity, as those of us grieving can attest.