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SLV94

Sarah Vickers

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SLV94

Hi guys.
New to this group. Just looking for a little reassurance and guidance.
On Friday morning we had to put our bulldog to sleep.
We rescued her two years ago, from being bred and bred and just used for profit. 
When we got her, she had a bad yeast infection in her wrinkle, her claws her turning in on themselves and she was so quiet. 
She came out of her shell and a few months ago we had to have her eye removed as it was ulcerated way before we got her and was at risk of bursting. 
The other eye was okay but her vision in it was limited. 
She has constant ear infections. 
But we sorted all that out.
This past week, she started to eat only tiny bits of food, and she would sleep all the time. When people came in she would no longer greet them like she used to. She didn’t wanna go for walks and really struggled to catch her breath.
When I was working on Tuesday I took her emergency vets as she was feeling sick and constantly licking her lips. Still lethargic. The vets told us she has a heart murmur, stage 3 or 4 and went to ultrasound her stomach. She had a piametra (excuse the spelling) in her womb but when they re scanned it wasn’t there. They had noted her weight loss which was unintentional as she had been exercising less but sleeping more. She came out with these like blotches on her skin and it spread quickly and she itched then which made them bleed. The vet suspected it was a lymphoma.
Her paws also came out in like big cysts and when she walked on them they bled. 
There was only surgery as treatment for it but they wouldn’t operate with her heart murmur.
I went to get a second opinion and the vet I trust most as I’ve known him for years said her heart was at a stage two not four, and there must be another reason for her not taking a full breath. 
She was 8years old.
The vet said to put her through scans which would result in possible operations would only be cruel to her as she was tired and had had enough and they wouldn’t operate with her heart murmur and the struggle for breath. 
I gave her another night, but all she did was sleep and her breathing wasn’t great. Walking down a street would make her pant and struggle.
I decided with my partner to put her to sleep. I didn’t want her to suffer. And there was so much wrong that it wouldn’t have been fair to her to keep testing her when she was tired.
The last day or so, I feel so much guilt. I am blaming myself and think I made the wrong decision. I keep thinking I should’ve got her tested for everything but I don’t know if that’s me being selfish. 
The vet said anything over seven for a bulldog is good and she was eight.
I just feel like I’ve killed her, and I can’t come to peace with the fact she’s gone.
Should’ve I of waited? 
I’m just lost. Sorry for the long post.

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KayC

Oh Hon,I am so sorry!  I wish I would have seen this sooner, usually new posts are bolded but when I checked yesterday didn't see it bolded.  I'm sorry you've had to wait since Monday for a response, the website has been down off and on as they get it onto a new server, normally we don't have these issues.

I hope you'll read my living with loss thread, you'll see that your feelings of guilt and second guessing your decision are common and normal grief responses.  Even now I struggle with that but am coming to a little more peace about it.  It was August 16 I had to have Arlie put to sleep.

Please try this:  What if this scenario was your best friend and they put their dog to sleep to spare him any more suffering?  What would you tell your friend?  Tell yourself that, in grief it's really important to be our own best friend, especially since we've just lost our best friend.  Your intentions and actions are pure and come from love not "not caring."  You did what was kindest to him and took on HIS PAIN, on yourself!  I have done the same with my sweet Arlie, and oh God, it's killed me to do so!  I don't know why I struggle with these feelings of guilt but I do...I mean I understand with my head but my heart still questions and agonizes.  I miss him.  

I want to share these articles with you, the euthanasia one really spoke to me.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html
http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
https://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

 

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