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Buzimama

My story....

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Buzimama

I have had a rough year, to put it mildly.   My father unexpectedly died in October 2017.  My mother died almost exactly a year later after a short illness, which was also unexpected.  Then, my best friend suddenly died this past June.  My husband was also in the hospital,, just down the hall from her, dealing with complications from his diabetes.   Meanwhile, my siblings (I'm the oldest, and we haven't been close), argued first about whether or not to take Mom off of life support, and then about the timing of selling their house.  Fortunately, that was all we argued about.  Then, we sold mom and dad's house, and then our house and moved into a new house.   Meanwhile, my ex-husband is doing a great job of reminding me why I divorced him in the first place.  I am questioning why I married my current husband, who is becoming more and more verbally abusive.  Believe it or not, my current husband got mad at me the day of my father's funeral and told me my siblings and I were worthless human beings.   We had to leave soon afterwards, or else I knew he would have a major meltdown.  The next day, when I tried to talk to him about how inappropriate his behavior was, he got extremely agitated and got in my face screaming at me.   

He has dealt with major health issues and surgeries, which I took care of everything for him.   I decided I am tired of caring more about his health than he does.  He has always been on the irritable side, and will get sharp and rude if he gets stressed out at all.   Right before we moved, I told him he had 1 month to just be kind or we would be done.  Last weekend, he got irritated with me because I didn't understand something he said.  So, he yelled at me.  I told him I was done, and did not want to be married any more.  Of course, he is now like, but I don't have anywhere to go.  I have tried to get him in counseling over the years.  He finally likes a counselor I found him.  Granted, he has only seen him once.   He is now sleeping downstairs and is on his best behavior.

Somewhere in all of that mess, I fell apart and haven't figured out how to put myself back together.  The only thing I want to do is sit in my bedroom and watch baseball and binge watch NCIS.  I do see a counselor.  I have a tough time getting to work, unpacking the house,etc.   I feel so alone and empty.  We are coming up on my parents anniversaries.  I am starting to have flashbacks of when Mom was in the hospital, before she died.    I don't know what to do or how to crawl out of this incredible loneliness and sadness.

Thank you for listening and reading.

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marbeth

I am so sorry about all you've been through!  Honestly, I think you're incredibly strong to have gone through so much and still be hanging in there at all.  I hope you continue to see a counselor; I don't know what else to recommend.  I hope that little by little, you are able to find ways to feel better.  If you have any other friends, or can establish a better relationship with one of your siblings, you could at least have someone to talk to, watch TV with, go to a baseball game maybe?  Don't expect to recover from everything at once. 

Read through the forum; that helped me because I felt a little less crazy about some of the thoughts I was having when I was able to see that others felt the same way after a loss.  I hope your counselor can recommend even just a single step to help you get back on your feet.  I really wish I could say the magic words that would help you but of course there aren't any magic words.  "Take it one day at a time" is a cliche but sometimes reminding ourselves of that advice can help us get through this process of grief.  Best of wishes to you.

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tessa

Hi Buzzimama,
Do you have any interests, hobbies? Finding something to keep our minds off reality is a good start.
A per dog/cat is a great help. Or gardening brings joy when the flow/vegetable grows.
Find small things, just little things to coax yourself out of it.

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belinda23

Hi Buzzimama, 

I am so sorry for the tremendous amount of loss you have encountered! And for not having the support you need while you grieve. Unfortunately, people who aren't dealing with loss first hand, even husbands, expect you to be sad for a little while, but then wake up one day and go back to normal. 

It sounds like your husband is not supportive. Has this been a behavior of his throughout your entire relationship? Think hard about this. If so, talk to your therapist and others you trust about going through with a divorce. Marriage is about going through ups and downs and supporting each other through hard times, but it sounds like you have been doing all the hard work and not getting any of the benefits. 

As far as your family, love them as much as you can and communicate as much as you can, but when it becomes too much, step back. Your health is of the utmost importance. When negativity starts to creep in, especially when it has nothing to do with you or you don't care about the matter, step back! 

Get back to the basics and live as simply as you can. Hold on to the things you cherish, but get rid of and de-clutter everything else. Find people who encourage and support you, and make you feel loved and who you love back! 

Take a vacation. Don't tell anyone where you are going. Turn your phone off. This will allow you some real quiet and relaxation. Maybe you'll find at least a tiny bit of self awareness to help you continue on. 

 

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