Her Name Was Peggy Garden

[TravisGarden]

This post doesn't tell you anything about her or how great and unique she was, so here is a link: https://www.facebook.com/peggy.garden.9

I am 33. I spent most of my life living with Mom, except for 5 years in Seattle. I spent almost every day with Mom for the past several years, until a month and a half ago. I could not get her to stop or slow down her drinking. After a year of agreeing not to drink liquor, she sneaked a bottle of vodka on the day I was trying to turn both of our lives around, focus on her instead of myself, start getting her out of the apartment on a regular basis, and make sure she's happy. It shut down her liver and kidneys and she died 3 months later from liver failure, Hepatorenal Syndrome 1.

For context, my father is alive but it's not the same situation; he spiritually devolved over the decades from also being an alcoholic. I convinced him to get his liver visually checked, because it was the right thing to do. I'm trying to work with him to get my uncle to do the same.

I have no girlfriend or kids, and am homeless living in the new family's RV in their driveway. I have a spiritual brother and sister-in-law that I spend a lot of time with now, and a spiritual guardian (Aunt, Mom's best friend) that lives very, very far away, that I talk to on the phone. They are great people, and a great family. I've known William for 15 years, but we hadn't been close the past few years. Since I have no responsibilities to anyone anymore, I'm just asking myself what do I want right now, and then I do that. Next I have to go back to work on Monday because right now I don't want to be a parasite on my new family. As of this date, I haven't killed myself.

I don't know if I'm phishing for advice or what. I just wanted to share my story. I know I have options, but I'm not looking forward to anything at all. Every day is hell, especially when I wake up and remember what reality is. I also have a real hard time with guilt, because we tried everything and everything went wrong. Even the last month, they wouldn't even try a liver transplant because there is a 6 month prohibition for alcoholics and she only had weeks left to live and they said the process takes months, and William says they would have known even if we hadn't said anything, but sometimes I have doubts about that and everything else. Mom told me twice she didn't want me to feel guilty, and I've been told by Jeanie, William, and 2 therapists there's nothing I could have done, and I've written down an explanation of everything that was tried and everything that went wrong, but it's still hard.

If anyone needs someone to talk to, message me. I have a computer set up in the RV that I can use until Winter hits Idaho.

Sometimes I feel some peace with my new family. Sometimes I feel peace knowing I am a 50% genetic copy of Peggy Garden.

 

[reader]

Dear Travis,

I am sorry for your loss and all the pain and sorrow you feel. It is devastating to lose a beloved parent. We all go through guilt wanting so much to save our parent. I know I did.

Please know the first year of grief is the hardest time. I know it feels like there is no light sometimes but I hope with more time things will be a little better.

Please know you are not alone.