My mom disappeared 20 years ago... I found out she died in 2018

[Chinita75]

Hello everyone, this is my first post. I found this forum today and I’d like to share my unusual story.

my mother disappeared in Barcelona in 1998. I was 22 years at that time, but I last saw her when I was 16 and decided to leave Barcelona to live with my father in another country.

we kept communicating by letters and phone calls from 1992 to 1998. Until she vanished. I tried to find her, with no avail. I never returned to Barcelona, though. Never in 20 years I’ve tried to travel. Because I was scared of what I’d find.

ive been reading the letters my mother wrote me. I can see a deterioration in her mental health that started in 1996. Before that, she used to write me about long meditations and neurolinguistic programación and visualizations.

more than everything, and despite her progressive depression and isolation, plus the lack of monetary resources, she always tried to be there for me through her letters. 

She gave me advice, told me to wait for her, tried me to not worry to much about her, confide me the horrible demonds that haunted her, and told me she loved me.

on August 1998 I received her last letter. When I replied, that letter fake back, unopened. 

I desperately tried to find her through the embassy. My father helped me. But it was almost impossible. She doesn’t want to be found, they said.

on 2001, my cousin traveled to Barcelona and spoke to a neighbor who saw my mother early that year. This neighbor said my mother told him “I’ve cut with my past”

so, my life went on. Without her.

until last year. I googled her name and there she was. It was the announcement of a mortuary that said she passed away that same year, 2018.

what comes next is fragmented. I got pieces of information that I could never really understood. Stories about her being perfectly normal but also  stories of homelessness and poverty.

here I am, grieving, crying, feeling guilty, feeling lost. I cannot understand what happened, but she is no longer here so I’ll never know either. I gave so many questions, one day I feel sorry for her, other days I’m mad at her, other days... I’m just surviving.

thanks for reading my story. I’ve realized, whole writing, that I’m starting to feel more alleviated already. 

[belinda23]

 Hi Chinita,

You definitely have a unique story. You were so young when you felt the need to move away from your mom. Do not blame yourself for leaving. Though it sounds like you were very mature for 16, you were still a child and needed a stable environment with someone who could care for you. It was not your responsibility to take care of your mom. 

Mental instability is unpredictable. You attenpted to keep in touch with your mom through letters. Cherish those memories. You can't blame yourself for her not continuing to communicate. It was up to her to respond at that point, you couldn't force it. 

Knowing your mom sent you a letter the same year that she died shows that throughout all her own struggles, she still thought of and loved you in her own way. I'm so sorry you don't have all the details you would like to have proper closure. 

It is normal to feel sorry for the unfortunate life she had, it's normal to be mad at her for not trying harder.and seeking proper help. And it is normal to miss her. 

Let yourself feel. Since you use to write letters to her, get a journal that is dedicated to her and still write to her! It helps to get your thoughts on paper, and she will still receive the messages. 

[Enonymous]

Chinita,

Mental illness is a terrible thing, and not well understood.  I happend to suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder.  Sometimes people withdraw when they realize that they will only do harm to others.  It is past time for you to be able to help your Mom.  However, you can volunteer and try to help others who are also struggling.

[Chinita75]

Thank you for your replies. I just corrected an error in the date. My mother did not contacted me back after her last letter in August 1998. She died without contacting me in 2018. I realices of this because I googled her name and  I saw the mortuary site with her name stating she had died.