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It’s been 13 years and I can’t move on

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I apologize up front is this is a topic that has been covered, but I am unfamiliar with how these forums work.

In December of 2006, I lost my husband in a work related accident. We were planning our future, we were happy, we were basically newlyweds (9 months). My daughter was 2. 

It has been nearly 13 years and I have no desire to date, but I fear that my basic personality has changed. Once I was fearless, outgoing, trusting and open to new experiences. 

After Ian died, I made my priority raising my daughter. I didn’t want to be that Mom who “dated around” so I didn’t date at all. And yes all this focus on my child has paid off, she is strong, independent, well adjusted and has her priorities set.

However; along the way I have lost myself. I do not know who I am anymore. I choose to stay isolated, I hate leaving the house. I live in constant fear that if my daughter is not with me, something terrible could happen and I would lose my heart again.

its like I live my life in a state of “fear of loss” rather than “an eagerness and joy of gain”. 

I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve read book after book, intellectually, I know what I should be doing, but I can’t make myself do anything.

if anyone has any suggestions I would be extremely grateful.

I am a widow who never moved forward.

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First I'm sorry for your loss. 13 years is a long time but as I've been told grief doesn't go away we learn to adjust. "Allegedly". What I can say is there are many that can relate to your grief and many are still here years later coping. 

My grief is new only 3months and nothing's changed from day 1 until now. I have had days were I'm happy and more sad days. You're not not alone in your thoughts of not wanting to move on . More so because you're not open to it. I believe you can but a huge part of you doesn't really want too. It's not going to be easy because you're not letting yourself free. 

We go along with what's supposed to be then how we truly feel while knowing the end result. No matter how many books you read it won't change your grief only help understand it. 

I hope you find peace and happiness. 

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