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Lost


Twins93

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I will be 26years old Monday 9/2/19. This will be the first Birthday that is completely mine. My Twin Brother was Murdered 1/26/19. Until about two weeks ago...I have been completely numb. Not interested in anything or anyone. I'm not a very social person to begin with...I'm introverted and am not very trusting. I seem to not be doing great on my own. About two weeks ago I started to be flooded with anxiety and panic attacks. Not keeping food down. Close to losing my job at this point...since I only started in April it's not great for the company or my reputation to be panicked or call in continuously. I have lived life...excelling at everything because I put in work that no one else would...the only thing I've ever feared is failure. (And spiders) I have been a workaholic for as far as I remember. Now I want nothing to do with work...yet I don't want to lose it... can't lose it. I'm failing myself... knowing what I should do...but laying down and not following through. I thought I'd be hit when I lost him...yet not a tear. The past two weeks all I can do is cry, vomit, and fight for air that I don't even want. I am not present for my fiance and best friend...only friend truly. Not present for the family I still have here. Not present for my cats whom I love whole heartedly..more than most people I encounter. I'm not present for myself. I feel nothing...or everything all at once. Chaos typically calms me down...I was always told to become a doctor. But...now...I feel like nothing is happening but everything is happening at the same time. I've lost so many friends and family...yet now...now I am emptier than I could've ever imagined. I hate being told how strong I am...I've always hated that...but now...that I feel worthless. I feel crazy...going from never shedding a tear to full on panic over opening my eyes in the morning. Something so simple...as brushing my teeth...leaves me wishing I'd stayed asleep. I miss him...so much. I am reaching out for the first time...not knowing what to expect...but hoping maybe trying something new can somehow spark my fight again. My will to at least try...to take a step. To find balance. He wouldn't want this for me. He loved me...if I fail myself...I fail so many others. I just don't know how to not feel lost right now. I was told...this is normal. It's new to me though...

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