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2 years since my only friend has been gone

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October 17th 2019 will make it Two years since my best & perhaps my only friend in this world, Jon passed away. It has been such a long ride for me, but I feel like life has somehow gotten better, despite not having any friends, no girlfriend, I have had my mother to help me, music, and since his death I have found faith in God. If I was writing this a month ago, I would've talked about how I felt that nothing could fill this hole in my heart, and would've talked about how depressed I was, but I have noticed how in the past few weeks, I have felt a change. This is going to be a long post, so be prepared, and I hope this can help someone in my position to not give up and too never forget the person they lost. It wasn't just my best friend I lost, I also lost my uncle Jimmy, and 5 years ago, I lost my grandmother to cancer. Jon's death was the one that hit me the hardest; not only was he a mentor, or a friend, but he was like a father figure (my father is rarely in my life), and someone who was a kindred spirit. I am going to be 19 this December, and it's going to be a year of hopeful change for me, as I am on my way to get my drivers license, and once I do, I will be attending Church each Sunday; this church is the same one my friend and I would attend on occasion, and his funeral services were held here. I feel that religion can be a moral compass for me, and a way to guide me through life, (I am not trying to force my religion on no one). Anyway, I feel I should start from the beginning, and tell the world about the trials I have faced through this difficult time in my life. 


October 17th 2017, I found my friend Jon dead in his apartment, and was in complete shock & trauma; my hands went numb, and I sank to a low depth in my life. I lost track of school, and I went into a hypochondria phase in my life, where I would use google like an addict. I would google symptoms on a daily basis, thinking my death was imminent, all because of what I witnessed and because I couldn't cope with my friends death. My brain was once a mind that was free flowing, with no worry in the world, and when he died, my brain went into a shutdown; my brain became paranoid, and I couldn't focus on life or my education in the right way. It was at this time, I let myself be blinded into believing  that I could be some Blues music star, but it did not end up that way. I took my focus from school, and wanted to be alone, wanted to grieve, but all of this important stuff stood in my way. I found my own style, and began to dress in the style of the 1920's & 1930's, which I had always dreamed of. It was several months after Jon died, that Jimmy, my uncle died, and then a month later, I had a lump on my neck considered cancerous; I sat in my room, and felt a lone, and thought I might die from cancer, so I sat, and I prayed to god, I carried a crucifix with me, and put a picture of Jesus in my room. I prayed, and I looked for god, and when I went to get tested, the tests said I had no cancer, and I felt a sigh of relief, but the grief did not go away. I was not on any medication for my anxiety or hypochondria, and finally, I decided it needed to happen. I started taking anxiety medication, and since then, it has saved my life. Later, I once tried to get off of the medication, but my anxiety, hypochondria, and insomnia came back. I realized that I needed to be on this pill. 


Senior year started, and a year passed, and the grief began to ease, but my grades still slacked, and I was preparing for college. I still couldn't focus, and isolated myself, and was scatterbrained in a way. I was told by my counselor at high school, I would get into my dream college with a free ride, but when I went to the college office a week ago, I found out that this was a lie, and so I had to cancel my classes and I am trying to start at a community college. I cannot take out student loans, and so I am trying to get scholarships for college. It has left me having ups and downs in terms of mood, but the last few days I have felt a lot better. I think this can all work out. I was supposed to start College next week, but now I have to wait until possibly winter or Summer of next year.


Ever since my friend died, I haven't really wanted to have any other friendships or find a woman in my life, because I feel like no one can understand me. I am a history buff, I am also anti-social, but if need be, can work okay with the public, I am a musician, I listen to music and play music from the 1920s to the 1950s, and I have mood swings. My friend Jon knew this, and he was a humorous, down to earth, caring human being, and was a kindred spirit. We connected in many ways, and in ways, he mentored me about politics, religion, dating, and my future. So it's been tough without him, but I try to do the right thing, and without him, I feel I need a moral compass, so I've turned towards religion. So, finding a woman who can understand me, and is a kindred spirit is tough; I've always wanted a woman who liked the same kind of music, the same style of clothing as me, and could understand my mental illness. So, instead of pondering on the idea of being lonesome forever, I expand my brains knowledge by reading more  books, working on subjects I am not so good in, practice songs, learn new instruments, write blogs on music history, listen to old musicians I have not gotten a chance to listen too, and watch netflix series to drown my brain out of the issues and the grief. I also find myself talking about good memories I had with my grandmother, my friend, and uncle; I also love to reminisce  with my mom about these memories. I often hang out with my mom, and I live with her, and I plan to take care of her, because she has taken care of me from birth to now. She is my biggest advocate, and we have been through lots of stuff, so I feel its the duty of being a son to make sure my mom is taken care of. Yes, I am independent, and plan to go out into this big world, but I also plan to take care of my family. 


My music career has seemed to gain steam, now at 1,840 likes, I am feeling more confident in myself, but it's been a long journey. Even before my friend Jon died, I somehow got mixed into the politics within blues music. I was told that because I am white, I am not a true blues musician, that I am making the blues artists who I have idolized since I was born, turn over in their graves. I was also told I was "bleaching" Blues music, and being a cultural appropriator. I have often argued with these folks and it has left sort of a sour feeling for me with the Blues.

When my friend Jon died, I kept feeling I had to prove myself to these folks, and I almost quit playing the blues, and started listening to other music, like Hank Williams Senior, and then I realized that I am a blues musician, and will never stop. Hell, I even went to Nashville, and tried to sing old country songs, only to find that was not what I am fit to do, I am fit to sing the blues. One of the folks who used to bully me about this, decided to unblock me on facebook a few weeks ago, and I blocked him and told him I didn't need to "kiss his feet" no more, and didn't need his approval. I have put all of my effort into the Blues, I could've chosen drugs, sex, drinking, gangs, or violence, but I chose the Blues and religion, plus that stuff never appealed to me anyway. I also in the past year have found that I have a natural knack for writing ( I am a songwriter and have ever since Jon died), and have been writing a blog about music history, explaining the true facts and letting out this frustration into something positive. I am also starting to get some gigs, and starting to get my name out in the world, which is great for me, but I am also realizing this is not going to be a future full time career, but a thing I do because I love it. I am going to be teaching and playing Blues music in the local schools, and will be playing in nursing homes too. 


When I play my music on stage, or in videos, I sing about & for everyone on here, who has been through grief. I sing for those with mental illness, who feel alone, or feel like their illness dogs them. I sing for those who have been through war, and have seen horrific scenes in war and in civilian life. I sing for those who can't find a job, have no house, or worry about food on the table. I sing for those who are told they can't achieve anything at all or who are hurting badly.


I am finding that I have slowly but surely found the right things in my life that I have needed to find in order to finally live my life and let my mind, soul and heart heal. I am also not letting my mental illness be a crutch, and am not letting it limit what I can and can't do. When I was a child, I had teachers and principals tell me I would never amount to anything, and I am proving them wrong. 


Here's what I am doing so far to sum it up:

  1. I am finding ways to keep my mind occupied, whether it's writing, playing music, reading, or playing video games. 
  2. I am always expanding my mind with knowledge, and read everyday & night. I drown out my frustration, depression, and anxiety into books. 
  3. I am not trying to find any friends, or any girlfriend right now. I am waiting for the right time, and when the time comes, my heart, and soul will be aligned. 
  4. I put my faith into religion, I believe putting faith in something, no matter what it is, can do good for no matter who. 


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