it's been exactly a year

[nuvar]

last yr she suffered unimaginable pain and left

ive been feeling so guilty and sad and depressed ever since. i cant make up to her any more. i dont see the point at times, to continue living as a zombie

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Nuvar,

I think of you a lot. We’re on a similar timeline and have shared with each other throughout the forum posts. I was at the cemetery today thinking what’s it all about...why did my mom have to suffer so tremendously and wanting just to be with her. Knowing I’ll never feel that tremendous unconditional love that her and I shared with anyone else. I keep trying every day to do things to help myself with my grief and I hope you will too. I know that you are still going through so much with your dad too. With all of the effort in me and a lot of therapy I’ve found some things are changing inside me. I’ve been weeding my mom’s yard and placed some memorial stones for her and my brothers. This felt good and then I cried about the fact that everyone I love is gone.  A family friend gave me a rescue reptile and at first I had no idea what to do and now I see it’s helping me be calmer. Who would have thought a little creature could do that. I know dogs and other comfort pets help people...but a reptile?! Makes me laugh. I hope that makes you smile for a second to read that because it’s a strange thing.

I guess if the only thing I end up doing in this life is being kind to others than that’s at least something. You never know who or how many people you help just by sharing your story and truth. I know from replies under your posts you’ve helped so many. I’m wishing for that to come back to you ten fold. Right know we can’t see the big picture and so I tell myself to hold on and keep going. I’m also still in counseling once a week and acupuncture and it helps. Big hug friend. Thinking of you.

[nuvar]

Thanks both. Im not Christian however so please refrain from proselythyzing. Very much appreciate that.

I just find no purpose in living. Now the hospitals do want to mediate coz they know they screwed up and partly due to sympathy for me... and I threatened to take this both legal and public

The mediation is set in October. However, this triggers all the bad memories....... I also dont know how much I can get. It seems like Im trading my mum's life and justice for money. yet I need it to help my finances.

It reminds me of those days I was in hospital. But the ICU limited access so I couldnt always be inside, had to comms the staff and the staff were sometimes not happy. and they kept the temperatures really low......... Most of the time I was not beside her.

I feel terrible for many things that I did or didnt do. She shouldnt have been made to go this way. I didnt do her proud also and made her suffer. She trusted me, we trusted the doctors. She walked in and never came out.

Now Im all alone, estranged from relatives who said I killed her. 

I feel more depressed every. I cant see the point nor purpose of living on. I imagine myself getting the compensation......... so what? Would/should I take a holiday? I wouldnt. Should I quit my job? No. Should I learn something or setup a business? I no longer have the passion or drive or confidence to succeed.

Everything has become pointless to me

I still wake up in the middle of the night nearly everyday, in tears. I take medications to cope. I only sleep intermittently every night, in total of less than 5 hours.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

That feeling of responsibility of what happened or didn’t happen, or should of happened is such a heavy crushing weight. I still feel it about my mom. The decisions I had to make. The looks on her face and what she went through. It plays over in my mind. My therapist has helped slow that down with trauma therapy. I’m working on accepting that I can’t change what happened and that’s she’s free now but it’s a slow going process. I feel for you about all of it. Especially being alienated by your family.