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sudden death of husband


Sandra K

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 Monday Aug 26 my loving husband died suddenly from a massive heart attack....he was only 74 years old and I am in so so much pain....I so feel like I cant go on. I don't know where do begin after the funeral and everyone goes back to their lives . My pain is so great.. every where i go in my house is a piece of him , I can smell him in every room, I cant sleep in our bed, my tears are always there, I have cried so much I feel I should have no more....i cant stand the thought of being alone in my house, I don't know where to begin  how do I go on , my body is reacting in strange ways, I spent so much time in the brm, my stomach feels so weird and twisted, i have no hunger, water is all I want, I have a warm flush that floods me when I think of something he said something he did. i relive the day he died always asking if I could have done something different constantly over an over .

I did post a similar post in response to someone else post but just have to post again I am so devastated and hurting I dont think I can survive this grieve.        

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Sandra,

I just responded to your other post but want to here too.  I gave up sleeping in our bed, it seemed a huge reminder of how empty it was, without him, it signifies my loss to me, so I took to sleeping in a recliner, with my dog and cat near me...only my dog just died 13 days ago (cancer).  Once again I am hit with how empty this house seems and the light has gone out of it.

It's been 14 years for me since I lost my husband.  This is all so fresh for you...I remember that time, I felt in a state of panic, shock, blindsided.  I asked a million questions but didn't hear any answers.  A grief site such as this one saved my life.  Just knowing there were others going through it, that I wasn't alone in how I was feeling, and I wasn't crazy after all, somehow it helped having others go through it with me.  I want to be here for you and I know others here will also.

I don't know of any pain worse than grief, they say Jesus died of a broken heart, that doesn't surprise me.  Most of us are wondering how it is we are still living after this.  I don't know, but I want this to all count for something, whether it be learning through it, I know it's changed us, we are more empathetic...not that a single one of us wouldn't gladly trade all we've learned to have them back again, we would!  We are all human, after all, and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  But I hope it will help you to know you are not alone in your feelings.  It may feel worse before it feels better, once the shock wears off and reality sets in, but I guarantee you it won't always feel this level of intensity/pain.  It evolves so gradually as to not always perceive it until we look back to where you are right now.  Sending you big cyber hugs!

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Sandra

I share your experience. My husband and I had our typical evening after I got home from work. We worked out more details for the upcoming sailing trip to Key West with some of the kids. We talked about the upgrades and projects to do on the sailboat. We talked about getting back "out there" for cruising. I said to him, "do you really think it's going to happen?" He said, "What's stopping us? Just us." We went to bed at 11:30 pm. He squeezed my hand and said good night. At 12:30 I heard him get up and stumble, then I heard him hit the floor. I turned on the light and saw him on his back. He was having tremors and I thought a seizure was happening. I turned him to his side. After a few seconds I turned him back onto his back. His eyes were fixed and staring, but still breathing. I called 911 and ran to the front door to leave it open so they could come right in. I'm ashamed to say, they had to tell me to do CPR. I just kept saying and thinking....not again, not again. My first husband died in our front yard when he was 42. I did compressions until EMS came. They took over and put him on the monitor right away. The shocking wasn't helping. I had to stay in the bedroom. I couldnt go into the living and watch. I yelled to them what is the rhythm. When I heard the answer, I knew he was gone. At the ER, I had to wait and wait. No one was coming with an update. I could see them still working. Eventually, I got in and told them to stop. At this point, if he could be revived, the deficits would be profound. He was 58 years old. We were together 12 years, one month and 18 days. He was my chapter 2. That was 15 months and 3 days ago. 

I died with him. My future died with him. My complete happiness died with him. He was the most perfect imperfect man I know. Our relationship was difficult but I love him deeply. The first year was brutal. The first months, I barely functioned. I laid on the floor where he died and screamed. I screamed in the shower. I screamed in the car. I spent a lot of time in bed in the fetal position. Tears NEVER seemed to stop. I used rolls of toilet paper. My face felt constantly swollen. My stomach was in knots. My stomach and chest physical hurt from the sobbing. My brain could not process. I couldn't make a decision to save my life. 

My best girlfriend and I had planned a trip to Iceland for 3 years. We were leaving 2 months after Tom died. I told her we were not canceling. I can cry in Iceland as well as Florida. It was horribly, horribly difficult, but I'm glad I did it. It was hollow and felt useless, but afterwards I knew it was right to do. It was so empty, not sharing the experience with him, but looking back, it was good to accomplish. 

I have done some other traveling since he left. And it all hurt. Immensely. And feels empty. So very empty. We loved to travel, explore and create adventures. We constantly winged it. That was "us".

Now I'm in the second year. That's a whole different pain. It's not the intense raw stuff that you are drowning in now. That does pass. It really does. You start to adjust to the pain. Learn to live WITH it. The absence becomes a part of you. 

I feel that our "love story" has been interrupted. When my first husband of 20 years passed, we had the same "religious" beliefs, so I had the comfort he was in Heaven. Still very devasted and broken, but a small, small ray of hope and peace to cling to. Tom, second husband did not share those beliefs. When he passed, I was desperate. Where was he? Was he in hell? It started me on a spiritual path deeper then religion. I have ordered so many books....and will need a lot of time to read them...haha. My brain still can't keep focused for very long. I went to a medium. I KNOW he is existing somewhere. I chuckle when I think of his transition and realizing he didn't just stop existing. 

And I went through terrible terrible guilt of finding a second live and how do we all be together in the Afterlife. I have surrendered that. I can't find a definite answer and it was tormenting my mind, heart and soul. 

I also have somewhat surrender that I could have revived him from the heart attack. In these situations, our heart and minds need something/someone to blame. So the outcome could be different. I doubt very much he could have survived, even in the hospital with immediate cardiac care. But sometimes I just down right blame myself for not starting CPR right away.

This doesn't get better. In time, you learn to live with it as it absorbs more into you. Love never stops, so your grief can't stop. You will learn to adjust to it. You will learn to build a new life with it. The same way you learned to build your life with your husband. There is no quickness to this. It's a process and a very indiviual one. There is incredible comfort that you are not alone. So many others are feeling the same loss, the same desperation. Read their words and experiences. Voice yours. Grief can be very isolating. 

You are lonely because he is not here. You are not alone. 

 

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@Adventure
Beautifully said.
We eventually let this grief absorb into us along with the love.
This for me is also my second love lost.
Sandra,we all understand the raw unholy pain of the first months,we are here for you.
Love to all of us

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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2 hours ago, adventure said:

My best girlfriend and I had planned a trip to Iceland for 3 years. We were leaving 2 months after Tom died. I told her we were not canceling. I can cry in Iceland as well as Florida. It was horribly, horribly difficult, but I'm glad I did it. It was hollow and felt useless, but afterwards I knew it was right to do. It was so empty, not sharing the experience with him, but looking back, it was good to accomplish. 

I applaud you for that!  Some things feel beyond us, out of our comfort zone, yet you plunged ahead and did it.  I like "I can cry in Iceland as well as Florida."  You go, girl!

Your talking about laying on the floor, screaming...I think we've all been there.  I used to go out in the woods and scream.  I'm sure I've scared off some bear.

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As I read all of these entries I compare them to my own experience.  My husband had a frustratingly difficult to deal with series of illnesses/conditions that sent him on a 2 year spiral down.  He had a stroke a year before his death and was coming back from that slowly.  But he couldn't drive and he was a car guy.  I had to take over more and more of the day to day chores in addition to becoming his caregiver.  He hated putting it all on me.  I just did what I needed to.  He had a second stroke, this one much more debilitating.  He was still so impaired when he was released from rehab that he had to go into an adult care home.  That nearly killed me.  We suspect he had a third stroke because he was starting to recover then just  stopped and started to backslide.  I think a sudden death is neither easier nor harder but it is different.  There seems to be a kind of sharp trauma that a lingering death doesn't have.  I came to realize I wanted him out of pain even if it meant more pain for me.  The statement of letting the grief absorb into life speaks to me.  We were married for 50 years.  I'm not even sure how to be on my own.  As I come up on the first year anniversary of his death, I am trying but life seems off kilter and clunky.  The bereavement counselor from the hospice that took care of my husband told me to give myself time.  I'm just at the first year and all of my feelings are normal.  No matter how much we don't want to be where we are, we go through the motions until life is tolerable again.  My heart goes out to all of you as I move through my own journey. 

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And I'm sorry for your loss.  I don't think any of us would want them to suffer, we take that on ourselves instead.  My husband died a sudden death, he'd just turned 51, I was blindsided, in shock.  I took care of my MIL/best friend for three years when she was bedridden with cancer.  Both very different, both very hard in different ways.  My dog just died (cancer) and he's been my sole companion for 10 1/2 years, I was ill prepared for the intense pain, broken heart that I feel...I haven't felt this way since my George died.  Surviving loss is the hardest pain in the world, of that I am sure.

@Makaren I doubt you consider yourself that but I consider you one of the unsung heroes...

Welcome here, we want to be here for you.

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1 minute ago, Valerie Lockhart said:

May the God of all comfort take hold of your hand and walk beside you during this difficult time. And may you be strengthen by the hope of a resurrection on a paradise earth free of sickness and death. ( Revelation 21:3,4)

Amen to that.

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34 minutes ago, Valerie Lockhart said:

May the God of all comfort take hold of your hand and walk beside you during this difficult time. And may you be strengthen by the hope of a resurrection on a paradise earth free of sickness and death. ( Revelation 21:3,4)

What version of the Bible is this?

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Thank you so very much for the support and caring you all  have sent me.I am finding as much comfort in your kind words as I can right now. I buried my beloved yesterday..the 2nd worst day in my life second to Monday when he left me for  his heavenly home....I feel right at this very moment so numb and fearful of moving ahead..I have had so much love and support from my family who are also grieving a father and grandfather they have lost...we are all in so much pain..but I know my loved ones will be ok as they move back into their lives.....it is me that doesn't know how to I continue....the ache for him to be present with me is so painful to almost unbearable......I relive the last day of his live over and over and am sure I could have done something to save him, I worry he was aware he was dying as they tried to save his live.. did he know that all they were doing was not working ..This man was my love my everything for almost 51 years...our anniversary is Sept. 14 ......i still feel that I am in a surreal world..that this last week could not have possibly happen.....I cant sleep in our bed.....I keep smelling his things for his familiar scent.....I retired 4 years ago  and these four years have been the best with my husband ..we reconnected with each other.. he had been retired for 7 years before me ......I spent long hours at work it was a stressful job and he was so happy when I retired......we just wanted to spend our days with each other we had no intentions of lengthy travel we were very satisfied  close to home  ..I would say these 4 years were the most satisfy of our marriage.  Life was good we lived to love each other without the daily stress of jobs and things... this man spoiled me beyond believe.....he pulled more than his share of housekeeping, he brought me coffee every single morning, we knew what the other was going to say before it was said, he cooked 90 % of the supper meals, he did dishes   the list goes on, we had such a routine to our day ...I don't know how do adjust without my partner....I am so afraid of the days alone, I am not a social person, I don' t want to volunteer or any of those things, where do I begin to learn how to live without a part of me? Half of me is gone and I am so alone and afraid with so much pain

Thank you again for support......

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On 8/29/2019 at 3:16 PM, Sandra K said:

 Monday Aug 26 my loving husband died suddenly from a massive heart attack....he was only 74 years old and I am in so so much pain....I so feel like I cant go on. I don't know where do begin after the funeral and everyone goes back to their lives . My pain is so great.. every where i go in my house is a piece of him , I can smell him in every room, I cant sleep in our bed, my tears are always there, I have cried so much I feel I should have no more....i cant stand the thought of being alone in my house, I don't know where to begin  how do I go on , my body is reacting in strange ways, I spent so much time in the brm, my stomach feels so weird and twisted, i have no hunger, water is all I want, I have a warm flush that floods me when I think of something he said something he did. i relive the day he died always asking if I could have done something different constantly over an over .

I did post a similar post in response to someone else post but just have to post again I am so devastated and hurting I dont think I can survive this grieve.        

Hi Sandra,

I am really sorry about what happened. I know how you feel because my husband passed away on may 9th this year from a cardiac arrest. Mine was a sudden death too and he was one month away from being 71 ad I am 54. I know what you mean about everyone going back to work or their life. That is exactly where I am but my funeral home had a service that I can call a helpline 24 hours for 13 months. I did not know but it was included in the service that I paid for. That is helping me a lot. 

I am also going to a free support group and I learned there that i should only think about the next thing I need to do and no more. Take it one moment at a time. 

If you have any questions you can contact me dear.

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Sandra,

Do what feels most comfortable for you.  I had pets that gave me purpose but one by one they died, I got my sweet beautiful Arlie 10 1/2 years ago but now even he is gone, still have my 25 year old cat, Kitty.  Honestly, if it wasn't for them, I don't know what I would have done.  Everyone handles this different, and the tips article I wrote isn't meant for each and every tip to be right for everyone, but just things to consider, I know some people aren't pet people and losing your spouse isn't like to change that.  But the one that helped me the most in the immediate was taking one day at a time.  I immediately went to the whole rest of my life which brought on anxiety, something I struggle with anyway, but grief exacerbated it.  Learning to stay in today definitely helped me. We aren't ready for everything at once, this is a process, but eventually, pushing past my comfort zone was something I needed...like learning to eat out alone, go to church alone, etc.  I remember desperately needing to talk to someone but all my friends disappeared, that was hard.  My sisters and kids were good to be there for me (by phone) but they couldn't know what I was experiencing, they hadn't lost their spouses!  My first grief counselor was anything but, but I was lucky, I landed on a site where there was one and I learned so much from her!  I live in the country, the nearest town is very small and there was no grief support group at that time, but I've since started one, it took me a few years before I was ready.  It has helped to meet other widows and know I wasn't alone in going through this.  

Burying them is a hard thing to go through, the funeral helped me, so many showed up in support although not much from his family and my two best friends didn't bother.  I still don't understand that.  I want to be there for others going through this.  Something is wrong with a society that fails our new widows and widowers.  

51 years is a long time, of course you don't know how to do life without him, you've never had to!  I want to tell you not to be scared, you will get through this, but of course you'll feel fear, anxiety, I think we all do.  This is the biggest adjustment of our lives and not welcome!  I still talk to my George, after 14+years.  I still love him, I still miss him, every day.  l've had to learn to live with it.  And then to have to face your anniversary in a couple of weeks...that's hard too.  It can help to have plans in place as to what you're going to do, but even then we don't always know until the day arrives.  Just think about it, whether you want to have someone with you, maybe you can visit his grave, my husband was cremated so I didn't have that to go to...the first two years I had his ashes in my bedroom.  And I couldn't sleep in our bed either, it was too big/empty, a reminder of what I was missing.  I took to sleeping in our recliner/loveseat, still do.  I don't know why one person finds comfort in one place and not in another, it just is that way, I've learned to go with what brings ME comfort.

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Sandra,don't think about the rest of your life,it creates anxiety and stress,think only of now,what you need right this moment because it will change from hour to hour.
51 years is most of your life so of course it's a difficult adjustment.
Yes your family and friends will go on with life soon,you are the one who lost your love So take your time as long as you need.
After about 3 months(every one is different if at all)I found that hard grief 24 hours a day was taking a toll on me so for my own sanity I had to set aside 2 hours in the evening for pure grief(the sadness is with me always)and time with Charlie,to cry,yell at him,yell at myself.
Now at almost 8 months I set rules for myself,1 positive interaction a day,at the store,when I go running,or somewhere just to keep myself connected to the world.
And of course this site,where site unseen,I have fallen in love with these hurting,loving people.
One moments peace to you Love

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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Sandra, you are getting so much support and good advice from the people here.  I was afraid, too.  I went from being my father's daughter to my husband's wife with no time to ever just be me.  I'm having to figure it all out, too.  Like you, I have supportive family but they have their lives.  I've been going through the house to get it to where it's easier to deal with.  Many things had just been ignored.  Sometimes I feel like I'm removing him from my life but we had a very close, practical relationship and I can hear him telling me to stop feeling guilty and do what is right for me.  It feels weird.  It probably will for a while.  And you aren't even out of shock yet.  Be kind to yourself.  It sounds like you had a wonderful man.  I did, too.  Being on my own isn't easy but I finally realized I can honor that love by doing the best for myself that I can.  Give yourself time.  I'm nearly to my first year and I'm just now hitting on some of the things I need to examine and accept.  Since my husband had strokes, he couldn't tolerate movies with all the noise and motion.  Crowds bothered him and loud sounds.  I adjusted our lives until we were living so differently.  Now I don't have to do those things.  I've started going to a movie once a week with a friend.  I meet friends for lunch.  I do the YMCA three times a week to exercise in the pool.  Things like that may not appeal to you for a while but eventually the pressure to do something will come.  Do what you can, when you can.  Only you will know when the time is right.  Bless you.  We all understand.

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Makaren,

I like that you recognize this...you are finding yourself, who you are as "just you"...it doesn't erase anyone else.  It doesn't lessen their importance to you.  But you are recognizing that there are things you don't have to do anymore, or that you are free to do now.  Our seasons change and our life with it.  If the old reason for doing something a certain way no longer exists, we are free to explore another way.

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Makaren,exactly.
I loved being a wife,but I'm learning that I like living alone(except for being lonely)I can eat the way I want,stay in the shower as long as I like,and go to the street fairs and farmers markets and dawdle as I wish(Charlie would go but complain and want to go home the whole time)I have time to go running and can think of my needs now.Its not that I wouldn't give anything to have him back,but reality is he won't.And so I have to become a new me and I've made the choice to not stop life where it was and get to know who I am without taking care of someone else's needs before my own.My Charlie was a needy person but I fed that by always fixing everything(as I've done in all my relationships)Time to stop taking care of others and do some self care.
Love to all

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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Those first months are so hard...I still dont know how I made it through that time. Yet here I am at almost a year. And I can say the intense pain eases little by little...but his memory is always with me. I too still talk to him...I still smell his gold chain he wore and keep it in a little ball as I am afraid it will lose his smell if I wear it or straighten it out.  Ive never lived alone, but gradually I am learning how and doing the things he always took care of. I have become a stronger person because Ive had too.  He is always with me and always will be but Im learning to cope better.  I still have most of his things but gradually can part with afew at a time...little steps.  I know we will be together again and it helps keep me going.  As I near that 1 yr. mark I find myself taking afew steps backward...  I am also already grieving for a brother who has had cancer which has metastisized to his brain...his diagnosis is not looking good.  But I hang on..and have my faith which keeps me going...I am so sad to see so many new people going this . I feel your pain but just know the deep pain eases with time.                     @KayC  I am so sorry to hear of the loss of Arlie....I know how special he was to you. I pray your pain is easing alittle.  Love and hugs to all. Jeanne

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On 9/3/2019 at 8:10 AM, Billie Rae said:

Time to stop taking care of others and do some self care.


This might seem selfish to some but it isn't.  One of the most important things I promised my son and daughter was that I would pay attention to myself.  I stepped up to take care of some health issues that I'd been putting off.  And you're right about the freedom to do as I wish.  The paradoxical part of it for me is that I need to be around people at times but I don't necessarily want to be socially active.  I decided I would go to the public library near by and just sit and read.  The plain truth is that whatever works for you to move things along at a pace you can deal with is okay.

 

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On 9/4/2019 at 9:48 PM, JES said:

.I still smell his gold chain he wore and keep it in a little ball as I am afraid it will lose his smell if I wear it or straighten it out.

You might want to keep it in a ziploc bag...I learned too late that if you want to keep the smell in something, you have to enclose it in plastic.  I cried when I discovered his pillow lost his smell, I think it only took a month.  :(

I am so sorry about your brother.  Damned if I don't hate the C-word.  It took my baby and it took my MIL, who was the mom I'd always wanted and my best friend.  It also took a good friend of mine a couple of years ago.  I just went through Melanoma and someone told me "well that's the best kind to have, at least it doesn't kill you."  WHAT?!  It's the deadliest skin cancer there is!  And if you don't catch it in time, it spreads throughout your body and then there's no stopping it!  People shouldn't say things if they're ignorant, JMHO.  My dad had skin cancer all over, had to go through radiation therapy, which burned his body all over, he couldn't even wear underwear, had to wear a loose robe and even that hurt.  The stress of it all brought on his fatal heart attack.  Oh, but "Melanoma doesn't kill."  Grr!

Still bawling every day over Arlie, it feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from.  There is no "getting over" him.  There is no replacing him.  I want a dog in my life but no one holds a candle to him.  I have to be content walking Joe.  The pain of this loss is excruciating!  I keep picturing him laying around the house, I can't bring myself to do anything with his toys or coat, which hangs on a chair.

 

Arlie coat 121013 sm.jpg

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The funeral was a week ago today he has been gone 11 days.....this is unbearable the most emotional pain I have experienced. I lost my mother 9 years ago and the pain was bad but I had my husband to help me thru...besides the grieve of a mother is different than this grieve I am having for my husband of 51 years I still feel everyday is surreal that he will  come home any min. I will find him sitting in his chair.... I had to move his truck so I didn't see it everyday.. I haven't emptied the bag with his clothes from the hospital. I pulled clothes from his hamper and buried my face in them... his smell is still in places thru the house.... my ache for him is so unbearable just unbearable....I constantly question myself if i could have done something different , I am a nurse where there signs I missed..I could have encouraged him more to get a check up sooner, I feel i pushed him to do stuff around the house....I would take everything back if I could have a do over......I cant sleep I feel exhausted I want him to hold me and caress me and tell me everything is going to be alright...... I trust in the lord but so wish i understood why now........if he had lived to into his 80's i think it would have been slightly less painful ..maybe not ....... I just don't know how to do this.......

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Sandra,I think we all feel the guilt,I'm a nursing assistant,I know I couldn't stop the cancer,but if I had stopped him from that one chemo would his quality of life been better?I saw his blood numbers were to low for chemo and I had told him so,but he said the doctors would have told him,but they were neutral and told him it was up to him.We fought about it and I threw up my hands and told him to do whatever.
From that first night he was never well again.
And sometimes I think maybe when I was mad at him did I wish him dead?(irrational guilt)This pain and being alone gives us time for our brains to go off where they wish.
11 days is not long on this sad sad journey,and you had 51 years of love with him,most of your life so of course it's horrible.I've had a lot of single time in my life and it's hard to find me Again.
It sounds rote,but please practice self care even if you have to force yourself,as a healthcare provider you know the toll grief takes on your body.
You are not alone my love.our hearts are together
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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Sandra,

I am going through these same feelings, questions with regards to my dog...I wish I hadn't pulled him out of his doghouse to get him to eat, maybe I should have had him euthanized sooner, maybe later, does he feel I let him down?  The Colitis diet I had him on fed the cancer, but if I hadn't had him on it he wouldn't have lived as long as he did or as well.  I think we beat ourselves up and expect the unexpectable from ourselves.  Being a nurse with patients is different from with your own husband.

Never is it a good time to lose them.  Never would we be satisfied, we'd always want another day, another month...

I'm sorry you're having a hard time sleeping, this is exhausting.  I cry every day, my heart is broken, I'm inconsolable, I don't know how I'll get through this, even though I've already been through this with my husband 14 years ago and that was even worse, our relationship was multifaceted, he wasn't just my companion, but the person I talked over my day with, my lover, the person that appreciated how I dressed, looked, the person I could discuss problems and make decisions with, the one who'd come to my rescue, the one who paid half the bills and did half the chores, etc.  I tell myself if I could make it through that I should be able to make it through anything, but l'm older now and just so tired...nothing to look forward to.

2 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

please practice self care even if you have to force yourself

For sure!

Does anyone else struggle with loneliness?  It feels unbearable!  After 14 years you'd think I'd be used to it but some things have happened that have made it harder, getting older for sure, and it's been so long now since I've had him in my life all I remember is this being on my own and I'm frankly sick of it!  I miss having someone who cares.  I know my son does but he's not in my everyday life and he's so busy.  I haven't talked to my daughter in three months.  :(

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Yes Kayc,I struggle with the loneliness,I can't wait to go to work just to be with people who care.Sometimes I sit outside my apartment to hear other people and I don't rush home anymore,and I spend way too much time on Facebook when before I only looked at it once or twice a week.
I walk a lot just to not be home alone and I don't do my chores like I should,dishes and laundry go undone because why bother?
I've found I like some parts of living alone,but miss having someone to care for and who can't wait to see me.
I even miss our arguments and knowing he's in the other room.
When he was here and I was irritated I would wish I lived alone,okay I take it all back.Give me a reason to be.
When I used to hear or read the"appreciate what you have"things I thought I did,Ohh but it's so true you don't know until it's all gone.
I get so frustrated when people tell me about their"problems"my brain thinks"oh to have that"
Maybe I'll get used to it,don't think so.
I love you

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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Was finally able to post a picture of Arlie in his coat (see above post)...I altered it after this picture so it fit him better and covered him up to his head and was able to get it on him easier.  This same coat hangs on a chair here and I can't even think of getting rid of it.  :(

 

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On 9/1/2019 at 5:46 AM, KayC said:

I don't know why one person finds comfort in one place and not in another, it just is that way, I've learned to go with what brings ME comfort.

As usual, Kay, you got right to the heart of it.  I believe that is the essence of learning to live with our grief.  Yesterday I told a friend that I'm finally starting to really ask myself what and who make a positive difference in my life, that when it comes down to it these days, it really is "all about me" and what helps me. 

Unfortunately, we were having that particular talk because I had to ask her advice about how to confront a mutual casual friend who has been starting to drag me into her drama.  Yes, this mutual friend has had a few traumatic things happen over the past year, but they're the kind of things that truly can be put in the past.  Lately she's been cycling around and around and around and leaning on me to be a support system for her victim-mode.  Especially because she's a more casual friend, I have no interest, energy, or emotional desire to be in that position.  But I don't want to be unkind either as I do enjoy spending bits of time with her.  At just about the time she had her first problem, I lost my soul mate and husband of 35 years.  So how on earth can she compare her short-term personal issues with that, especially because she hadn't been checking in with how I am feeling or doing? 

The sooner we all realize that it's not selfish or wrong to ignore the cliches and unasked for advice, but instead figure out what helps us get through the day and keep breathing, the better off we'll be as we walk along this painful and lonely road.  I thank my lucky star and whatever powers that be that I found this website and all of you here.  The word Godsend most certainly applies, IMO.

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Day before yesterday I got at least six yellowjacket stings and I'm allergic, had to use my epipen.  Didn't sleep worth beans last night, hurting, itching.  One yellowjacket is still in the house taunting me, can't get him.  I'm wondering how long we can coexist before he stings me.  They are aggressive! Went the 105 mile round trip to the doctor yesterday, no sleep last two nights, have to buy a new epipen and the doctor put me on Prednisone again, ugh.

Again, trying to apply Rx to my back without my husband around to do it is a challenge. I finally taped a cotton ball to a long pair of scissors and put the ointment on it to apply to my back, what we have to go through!

foreverhis,

I'm so glad you realize you don't need people that drain you, especially one who doesn't give in reciprocation to you.  It is OKAY to realize who is positive in our lives and to cut back on the rest of them, we NEED to surround ourselves with people who are positive for us!  It's different if it's a good friend going through something hard, although a new griever does not have it in them to give.  If she has old drama, I'd suggest she see a counselor for her problems, it's okay to tell her it's beyond you to help her with that, that if it were you, you would make an appointment with a counselor.  That's not being unkind, it'd get her further in the long run.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

  It's different if it's a good friend going through something hard, although a new griever does not have it in them to give.

So true.  That was also part of the conversation.  My husband and I have four sister/brother-friends.  We are family by choice.  We have been there for each other for nearly 30 years.  Even now, if my two "besties" had a crisis, I would pack a bag and drive the 3 hours to them.  They would not expect me to be the way my love and I were before.  Like when her mom died suddenly the very day my husband and I moved into the house we had scrimped and saved to buy.  Who cares that we have nothing set up or that we have to hunt through boxes for clothes and the coffee pot?  We're there.  Now, they'd be grateful even if all I could do was sit there and cry with them about everything.  And I would try to put my needs aside for a bit to help them as we've always done for each other.

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22 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Now, they'd be grateful even if all I could do was sit there and cry with them about everything. 

Sometimes I think this is what we need the most in our grief.

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My husband died 5 weeks ago, 6 weeks after I was diagnosed with cancer. We were only together for four years; married for three. We traveled a lot. He spoke three languages and was one of the smartest people I've ever met. I wish I had listened more and recorded his lovely Italian accent. Now I will never hear his voice again, and I never knew I could feel so much pain. Sometimes I cry spontaneously (not always in the best situations). Yesterday I was in a business talking to an employee through a glass window, and I broke down in tears. After I left the building, I heard her calling my name and she ran across the street to make sure I was OK. I'm definitely not OK. We met late in life when he was 61 and I was 54. He had had some health problems and was wearing a heart monitor. I was sleeping in the back of the house, when paramedics woke me up banging on the door. They said they were responding to an alarm and I was confused because we don't have an alarm. He asked if anyone was wearing a heart monitor and I said, "Yes my husband, but he's at work." When they started to leave, I turned around and my darling Armando was dead on the couch. I keep thinking if I had only gotten up earlier, I could have helped him. We went everywhere together and were only separated when he went to work. He came home for lunch every day and we held hands everywhere we went. I am SO sad, Getting out of bed and getting dressed is a personal achievement and everyone says they are so "proud of me." I used to be a reporter and always considered myself strong and independent. I was divorced for 20 years before I met Armando. I said I would never marry again. But, I truly believe we were soulmates, and it is a struggle to get through every day, In fact, most days I am sure I'd rather be dead because the pain is so excruciating. 

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Crshd....I am so sorry for your loss and your health problem you now have to face.... the pain is so gut wrenching, the pain goes to the core of our being ..I would like to share the following site with you as I have been getting a lot of solace from this site..www.griefshare.org i signed up for the daily e-mails and have found a lot of comfort reading them....I have been seeking out comfort in the lord and my bible and believe this has been making a difference . If you are interested I will share some verses with you. 

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21 hours ago, Crshd said:

My husband died 5 weeks ago, 6 weeks after I was diagnosed with cancer. We were only together for four years; married for three. We traveled a lot. He spoke three languages and was one of the smartest people I've ever met. I wish I had listened more and recorded his lovely Italian accent. Now I will never hear his voice again, and I never knew I could feel so much pain. Sometimes I cry spontaneously (not always in the best situations). Yesterday I was in a business talking to an employee through a glass window, and I broke down in tears. After I left the building, I heard her calling my name and she ran across the street to make sure I was OK. I'm definitely not OK. We met late in life when he was 61 and I was 54. He had had some health problems and was wearing a heart monitor. I was sleeping in the back of the house, when paramedics woke me up banging on the door. They said they were responding to an alarm and I was confused because we don't have an alarm. He asked if anyone was wearing a heart monitor and I said, "Yes my husband, but he's at work." When they started to leave, I turned around and my darling Armando was dead on the couch. I keep thinking if I had only gotten up earlier, I could have helped him. We went everywhere together and were only separated when he went to work. He came home for lunch every day and we held hands everywhere we went. I am SO sad, Getting out of bed and getting dressed is a personal achievement and everyone says they are so "proud of me." I used to be a reporter and always considered myself strong and independent. I was divorced for 20 years before I met Armando. I said I would never marry again. But, I truly believe we were soulmates, and it is a struggle to get through every day, In fact, most days I am sure I'd rather be dead because the pain is so excruciating. 

Crshd,

My husband and I met in our mid-40s, knew each other 6 1/2 years, were married 3 years 8 months...he'd just had his 51st birthday the week he died of a heart attack, it was a shock. I relate to you...it felt like we just put our lives together and it came apart.  :(

I am so sorry you lost your husband, so young, so soon, and for your cancer. I pray you make it through the treatments okay, it has to be hard to deal with, with him gone.  I like to think of my George as still by my side...whatever thoughts brings us comfort, go with it.  Doesn't matter if it makes sense to anyone else or not.  It's been 14 years since my husband died, and I hadn't thought I could do a week!  Taking one day at a time is what has helped me through it.  I wrote this article and hope something in it is of help to you.

Funny, we can be strong career women, but this reduces us to a pile of tears...no we don't "feel okay", our lives have had the ground pulled out from under us, never to be the same again. 

 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Thanks for your replies. Life can be so strange. When I was first diagnosed with cancer, that's all we thought about. Now that seems like nothing compared to the death of my husband. He was an atheist and although I was raised Presbyterian, I have to say, my faith in God is a thin vale. I live in the buckle of the Bible belt, and when people say, "God won't give you more than you can handle," I just think, "Yeah, well I guess I'm testing that theory." 

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I am sure everyone will think I am really crazy after I ask this question....since my hubby has left me 3 weeks tomorrow i am very anxious that I will pass in short term leaving my family to grieve all over again ...leaving so many things i have undone, leaving mt grandchildren....this fear is crippling causing me to read signs into everything.....does anyone else feel like this ao has felt like this ?  I miss him so much as when he was by my side these anxiety's and fears I could share with him and now I am alone with no one to talk to about it I cant put this talk unto my kids they have enough to handle ...I feel so so mixed up, alone, afraid , crazy  

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2 hours ago, Sandra K said:

I am sure everyone will think I am really crazy after I ask this question....since my hubby has left me 3 weeks tomorrow i am very anxious that I will pass in short term leaving my family to grieve all over again ...leaving so many things i have undone, leaving mt grandchildren....this fear is crippling causing me to read signs into everything.....does anyone else feel like this ao has felt like this ?  I miss him so much as when he was by my side these anxiety's and fears I could share with him and now I am alone with no one to talk to about it I cant put this talk unto my kids they have enough to handle ...I feel so so mixed up, alone, afraid , crazy  

I'm so sorry for your loss.  You aren't crazy.  I understand where you're coming from.  I've had the same fears in the beginning.  I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of my husband's death and I have come to terms with some of those fears.  Not having that person to share things with has been the worst.  We were married for 50 years and I can't remember anything else.  I have to learn to be a "me" instead of a "we".  We enjoyed cruising in the later years but it holds no interest now because I don't have him to share it with.  You are just at the beginning of this and not even out of shock yet.  Take a breath and give yourself time.  I'm still working through things and it's been nearly a year.  This isn't a short process but things do get better by degrees.  This group is a very good start.  We all know where you're coming from.  There probably isn't a person here who hasn't had the same thoughts and feeling you're having. 

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22 hours ago, Crshd said:

"God won't give you more than you can handle,"

That verse is talking about temptation and He's talking about with His help!  There's been plenty of people who have felt they had more than they could handle...many of them have commit suicide.  This is all such a process, and a lengthy one at that, it's ongoing...I'm 14+ years out and still struggle sometimes although it's nothing like it was at first.  That was the worst time of my life.  And now, just having lost my companion dog to cancer, I'm going through it again.  Loss of spouse affects you in more ways, but my heart has felt broken in two with this recent loss, the pain unlike any other since losing my George.  I got through losing George, so I know I'll make it through losing Arlie but there's times I've doubted that.  Knowing something with your head doesn't mean you don't have to experience the pain in your heart.  Getting through it is really hard to bear.

 

19 hours ago, Sandra K said:

I am alone with no one to talk to about it

You might want to consider a grief support group and a grief counselor if you haven't already.  Sometimes it can take trying out more than one to get the right fit as they vary so much.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/11/grief-support-groups-what-are-benefits.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/04/finding-grief-support-that-is-right-for.html
https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-support-groups-positives-and-pitfalls/

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

That verse is talking about temptation and He's talking about with His help! 

And yet so many people use it as a universal cliche for grief (and other major challenges).  For me, it ranks right up there with "God must have needed another angel" (Oh, sure; God's there thinking, "Let's see.  I need to fill some space today.") and "At least he/she is in a better place" (No, the "better place" is with me and our girls) and "Well, you had 35 years together.  Aren't you grateful?" (Well, duh. But he wasn't a damn parking meter.  We weren't finished living our life together.).  If that's all someone has to offer me, I know two things:  They don't know me very well and they really haven't put any thought into what might be truly comforting.  Fortunately, that's only happened a few times.

Nevertheless, I don't respond in a nasty way.  What I do is simply walk away.  I do not say "thank you" or anything like that because it would be a lie, but neither do I say what I'm thinking because those are words I rarely use in public and I never swear at people.

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3 hours ago, foreverhis said:

And yet so many people use it as a universal cliche for grief (and other major challenges).  For me, it ranks right up there with "God must have needed another angel" (Oh, sure; God's there thinking, "Let's see.  I need to fill some space today.") and "At least he/she is in a better place" (No, the "better place" is with me and our girls) and "Well, you had 35 years together.  Aren't you grateful?" (Well, duh. But he wasn't a damn parking meter.  We weren't finished living our life together.).  If that's all someone has to offer me, I know two things:  They don't know me very well and they really haven't put any thought into what might be truly comforting.  Fortunately, that's only happened a few times.

Nevertheless, I don't respond in a nasty way.  What I do is simply walk away.  I do not say "thank you" or anything like that because it would be a lie, but neither do I say what I'm thinking because those are words I rarely use in public and I never swear at people.

Sometimes I try to be magnanimous to people who haven't suffered through a close loss.  They really have no idea.  Their platitudes are sometimes meant to give them distance so they don't have to face mortality in such a personal way.  They haven't figured out that sometimes it's just better to give me a hug and not say a word.

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Sandra, 

I am so sorry for your loss and for what you are enduring.  The actual physical pain of grief is something I had not expected.   In the months following my husband's death, grief would at times wash over me unexpectedly.  I might be driving the car and hear something on the radio that would trigger my grief and I would be sobbing in moments.   More than a dozen times I had to pull the car over and cry out my anguish.   There were times my heart ached so much,  actual physical crushing pain in my chest,  that  I didn't know if I would survive.  I frequently felt I had to coach myself to just breathe,   just keep breathing and you will make it through this,  keep breathing.   

In those early months, my motivation to stay alive was that I didn't want our boys to lose their father and their mother in so short a time frame.   Strange what motivates you to survive. 

I am not exactly sure when that physical unbearable pain of heartache stopped,  maybe 9 months or so.  I have not had one of those events in a long time now.  

Your grief may come in a very different form than mine,  but my advice is just keep breathing.

Gail

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12 hours ago, Makaren said:

They haven't figured out that sometimes it's just better to give me a hug and not say a word.

 

It's interesting how we all handle these cliches so differently...I use it as an opportunity to teach someone about what is/isn't appropriate in grief.  Even in losing my dog, Arlie, I had a neighbor say to me, "Well we aren't meant to have them forever!"  Well DUH!  How is that supposed to make me feel better?  I think all I could muster was to look at him weird!  I honestly wish people would keep their mouths shut rather than say something stupid.  It is no comfort.

Here's a list of things people shouldn't say to grievers, by no means exhaustive:
https://www.griefhealing.com/column-words-to-avoid.htm

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There is no comfort in any words that are said to me...I suppose i"m sorry" has been the best response for me that and a hug ....I have been very lucky to have had none of the cliches people normally say ...It was 3 weeks yesterday since my love left me and I feel the pain has been getting worse....i look at places in my house my yard in my mind and he is so clear to me, the way he sat the way he held his head the smirk he would give people, his crazy laugh the way he walked, just so many memories and they are hurting real bad right now..... my kids try to fill the loneliness but they cant be here all the time and they are suffering themselves we were such a close family many many family gatherings and dinners we always found an excuse to get together ...their dad was their world as well as my grandchildren's world.. I still find I want more and more answers to why he left us....when he had his heart attack did they try hard enough to save him, he had triple bypass in 2008 so I ask my self did they give up to soon figuring he was a lost cause... I found out today he was talking in the ambulance when he was transferred for his cath..his vitals signs we ok, so why, they changed his drips when he got to other hospital did that do it...so many questions...then I get calls yesterday to ask about signing forms for annuities he had really it has only been 3 weeks I haven't even thought of all that stuff, i get a newsletter from a club he was in and they have his obit in it so that started a wave of grieve, then I get a bill from the funeral ...I just am at a lost of words.....I ache inside so bad I miss him more than I can explain I hurt so bad  I am trying to lean on my faith but it is so hard....

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

 

 

Here's a list of things people shouldn't say to grievers, by no means exhaustive:
https://www.griefhealing.com/column-words-to-avoid.htm

I also lost my first child when she was four months old.  I became involved in a group who did lay counseling for people suffering the death of a child.  What I found out was that I said some of those very same things.  The difference was, I knew what I was talking about and I had additional advice to add.  The words have no validation if you haven't experienced the loss.  Some of the phrases are just toxic and shouldn't be said at all but people are sometimes anxious to get you beyond your grief so they don't have to deal with it.  I'm sorry if that sounds callous but it's what I've experienced.

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22 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

In those early months, my motivation to stay alive was that I didn't want our boys to lose their father and their mother in so short a time frame.   Strange what motivates you to survive. 

It is strange the things that can force us to think beyond just wanting to end the pain.  I'd be lying if I said I never thought about it; of course I did. But I realized that our daughter deserved to have her mom around a while longer and, more important in some ways, our granddaughter needed me to make sure she knew that her adored and adoring grandpa would never have left us on purpose and I needed to tell her stories about him.

15 hours ago, KayC said:

It's interesting how we all handle these cliches so differently...I use it as an opportunity to teach someone about what is/isn't appropriate in grief.

That probably would be the better way.  The few times it's happened, I've just said, "Excuse me" and walked away.  I have feared I'd let out my inner witch.

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20 hours ago, Sandra K said:

There is no comfort in any words that are said to me...I suppose i"m sorry" has been the best response for me that and a hug ....I have been very lucky to have had none of the cliches people normally say ...It was 3 weeks yesterday since my love left me and I feel the pain has been getting worse....i look at places in my house my yard in my mind and he is so clear to me, the way he sat the way he held his head the smirk he would give people, his crazy laugh the way he walked, just so many memories and they are hurting real bad right now..... my kids try to fill the loneliness but they cant be here all the time and they are suffering themselves we were such a close family many many family gatherings and dinners we always found an excuse to get together ...their dad was their world as well as my grandchildren's world.. I still find I want more and more answers to why he left us....when he had his heart attack did they try hard enough to save him, he had triple bypass in 2008 so I ask my self did they give up to soon figuring he was a lost cause... I found out today he was talking in the ambulance when he was transferred for his cath..his vitals signs we ok, so why, they changed his drips when he got to other hospital did that do it...so many questions...then I get calls yesterday to ask about signing forms for annuities he had really it has only been 3 weeks I haven't even thought of all that stuff, i get a newsletter from a club he was in and they have his obit in it so that started a wave of grieve, then I get a bill from the funeral ...I just am at a lost of words.....I ache inside so bad I miss him more than I can explain I hurt so bad  I am trying to lean on my faith but it is so hard....

Three weeks.  I was a zombie at that point.  On autopilot, in shock, didn't know how to function, just trying to get through it.  Sometimes I think we deserve a medal just for making it through the day.  One more day. The nights were worse.  I never had a problem knowing what to do on the weekend...until he died.  People don't know, they can't get it.

Sandra, it's okay to ask the doctors for answers to your questions, they owe you that.  Someone needs to explain.  I made an appointment to talk to George's doctor, he should have sent him to a cardiologist back when he first started complaining of symptoms, he was pooh-poohed.  It resulted in his death.  It never should have happened and I demanded that the doctor never let that happen again.

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