It's Been 4 Months

[Kendal]

My dad died suddenly April 18th and I'm confused..  Most of the time I feel like he's on vacation and that he'll be back, although on the other hand I know and grasp that he is gone.  I'm exhausted 24/7 and unable to fully "return to normal life".  I've been dreaming vividly and have a hard time differentiating from reality and a dream.  Most days I carry on trying to act like I'm OK, and some days I truly am OK, and then out of nowhere and without warning or expectation the pain hits me like a ton of bricks and I can't get off the sofa. I'm 27 and lost my dad when he was 73 and he was in perfect health for his age.  He worked out, ate right, didn't smoke, took vitamins daily, never did drugs, didn't even drink coffee etc. and his heart just gives out at 73.  I feel cheated.  My then boyfriend was going to propose to me the week my dad died (my dad loved him and wanted more than anything to be there for it and for the wedding) and now doing it without him hurts.  We're getting married in June and it's bittersweet.  I just don't really know how I'm supposed to feel or act or what the hell I'm supposed to do.  I'm just all around confused.