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Moment2moment

I got rid of her clothes today

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Vincent30

A week or 2 after my girlfriend passed away we (her brother, sister, me and a friend of her) emptied her room. We didn't lived together yet, she lived with 3 other persons in a shared appartement. I kept a few bags, clothes and scarfs. I am not sure what to do with them. I might frame them.

I now find it weird to see some of her dresses in vacation photo's of her sister. They look alike, making it a bit difficult. But i also know that the situation is hard on her sister and that she gets energy from wearing those dresses.

But to answer your question. Its progress for sure. 

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Brazil Man
10 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

I didn't get rid of everything. I kept her favorite jacket, a few shoes, a chenille robe, a few shirts. These are in my closet.

It's good that you didn't get rid of all clothes. I also keep some clothes and personal objects of  my wife. As I live in a very small apartment now
I am not able to keep more obj
ects. I like to look at them. 

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KayC
11 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

She is not those clothes and hadn't worn most of them for years.

My husband was a dapper dresser.  He had LOTS of nice clothes!  He died Father's Day, 06/19/05...July 4th his closet rod broke.  I came home from a July 4th get together to find all of his clothes on the floor.  I took it as a sign I was supposed to do something with them.  I boxed them up and stacked the boxes on his side of the bedroom.  I got a rod and cut it to length and hung it up in the closet.  1 1/2 months later I took his clothes to Sponsors, something I intuitively knew he would want them to go to, to share them with people who had need of them, he always had a heart for down-and-out-ers.  I've never looked back or second-guessed that decision, I just knew it was right, even though we'd never had the opportunity to discuss what he'd want done, his death was sudden and unexpected and way premature.  It was a little jolting, I must admit, when I went there one day and saw a man wearing George's clothes, then I reminded myself, that is as George would have wanted.

Each of us are left trying to figure out how to handle this, what to do with their belongings...for many of us it is little by little, their clothes, tools, personal effects, furniture, vehicles, etc.  Some hang onto their things for years, some much sooner.  There is no ascribed way to handle this, only what we feel is best...for them, for us.  We do the best we can.  I had to sell his car right away to get out from under the payments...a friend of mine is still holding onto her husband's truck, having to keep it running at additional expense...there's no one to say what is right, only what seems right for us.

I have my husband's Norwegian vest, it looks like new, hand stitching intact, he loved it.  I have his fisherman's vest.  I have his robe still hanging on the bathroom door all these 14+ years later.  At nine years I gave his fishing hat to his best friend, it took me nine years to let go of it but I always knew who it'd go to.  I saw a tear trail down his face as I did so, he called him his buddy.

Nothing easy about this.

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Billie Rae

Lily Bell,I know this hurt your heart,I had to move from a 3 bedroom house to my 1 bedroom apartment so I had to let Charlie's things go,he was a carpenter and wasn't big on clothes so most of his stuff was tatty.I kept his favorite shirt and wear it often and the t shirts we bought in Reno.
I kept a bag of his carpenter tools that I use and know he would be proud of me fixing things with his tools.
It is a step forward IF it was right for you.
Love to you sweet soul.
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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foreverhis
On 8/22/2019 at 8:20 PM, Moment2moment said:

I didn't get rid of everything. I kept her favorite jacket, a few shoes, a chenille robe, a few shirts. These are in my closet.

Do you think it might help if you consider it "letting go" rather than "getting rid of" her clothes?  Getting rid of can have a negative connotation for us, as if we are casually discarding something.  Letting go can mean that you keep the memories and all that is good, but let go of the material reminders.

You're right that she is not her clothes.  She and all that she is are indelible for you.  But it's good that you kept special items.  When I went through my husband's clothes, I held out many things for myself and our girls.  More than that, I still have a small selection of his favorite shirts and sweaters hanging on racks.  A couple of his jackets are still in the front closet.  His backpack and favorite hoodie are still on the hook by the front door right where he always left them.  Some people might find that weird, but I don't care at all.  Some of his belongings are still in the cabinets and drawers, where they will likely remain.

We let go of material things when we must or when we are able.  I suspect you feel freer now not because you have let go of her, but because you were able to see and accept that it was time.

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Dutchess62

LOL well as some know here my husband was quite the unusual dresser , so not only did I keep all of his clothes and accessories but his family gave everything like that he had to me . almost 20 months and I still sit in the closet with them , even a medium told me to go sit in my closet to be nearer him and this guy had no clue .

 S/he was so freaking fancy ...

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JES

I think if were ready to let go of clothes etc of theirs we will know. I packed alittle for Goodwill, months ago, older stuff he wasnt wearing anymore and some of mine also. Well, they still sit in my house in bags. But I am feeling like going through them again and am gradually giving away alittle at a time, mostly to family or friends. It is easier now...I know its what he wouldve wanted.  And I dont feel as quilty doing it. There will always be things I cant part with, but its a beginning.....I have been really bad..even hanging on to his chapsticks....now I am using them, big step for me. Thinking of all. Jeanne

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SBA

I also gave away a few of his clothes to a young man that could use them but that was months ago.  On Saturday, I started through his side of the closet and started crying as I put them in a tub.  After awhile I started folding them and placing them in bags.  I now have 4 bags in my car, 1 bag almost full in my family room and still more in the closet.  I saw where the Salvation Army is needing men's clothing, but their hours are not compatible with my work hours and it is 30 miles away and they are not open on Saturday.  I will figure out a way, but there are some shirts I couldn't bring myself to give away.  It is hard and feels like I am trying to rid myself of him.  I know that is crazy but at times, that is how I feel.  He so enjoyed going shopping, especially to Kohl's and using my 30% coupon on the clearance items.  I enjoyed watching him going through all of those racks and we never came home without 1 or 2 new ones.  When he died, I found some with the tags still on them and one time he bought one he already had.   I loved him with all of my heart just like all of you and miss him everyday.  God bless all of you as we go through this journey.

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KayC

Do you have any other donation center closer to your job?  Goodwill, St. Vinnie's?  

This was very hard for you to do, I know.  (((hugs)))

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foreverhis
23 hours ago, SBA said:

When he died, I found some with the tags still on them and one time he bought one he already had. 

That's so surreal, isn't it?  In a fit of optimism (and super sale prices), my husband and I had ordered him a big selection of his favorite polo shirts because the colors available were his favorites.  We set them aside for a celebration when he got better.  But he didn't get better, so there they sat in the drawers where I had tucked them away.  Ultimately, I sent them all back for refund.  It hurt so much, but I realized that buying them had given him a huge emotional/psychological boost at the time.  I knew the pain I felt packing them up and taking them in for shipping was nothing compared to the benefit he got from knowing I believed in him every step of the way and that I would never have given up on him.

It does sometimes feel as if giving things away or selling them is a betrayal or a "cleansing" of them from our lives.  It's not crazy at all for you to feel that way.  I think we all have to deal with the feeling that letting go of a possession somehow means we're letting go of them.  Of course it doesn't and logically we know that, but logic has little to do with the realities of grief.  We do whatever is necessary in order to get up each day and just keep breathing.  Whether others understand that doesn't matter at all.

Every night when I slip on one of his sleep shirts, I feel him with me.  Every day when I grab my hoodie or jacket off the hooks by the front door, I see his favorite hoodie and backpack right where he always left them.  Some people will never understand how mere "things" can make such a difference for us.  Well, I guess I mean they won't understand until or if they lose a precious soul mate and realize they will do anything, anything at all, to keep their love close to their hearts and minds.

You're not crazy, you're grieving.

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KayC

foreverhis,

George died five days after his birthday.  One of his presents hadn't arrived yet...it came AFTER he died.  I felt so bad that he didn't get to receive or use it.  Normally it wouldn't matter if it was a bit late but not in this instance.  As you said, at least your husband got the emotional boost knowing they were there waiting for him.

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foreverhis

Oh, Kay, that gift must have hurt so much when it arrived.  Just another knife twisting in your shock and grief.  My heart hurts for you.

Part of me had thought we should wait to order his shirts until he was definitely on the road to full recovery.  The other part said, "Oh, the heck with that.  He needs to know that you believe with all your heart that he will recover.  He needs to know that now, not later." 

No matter how we slice it, every big and little thing adds to our grief.

 

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SBA

So sorry Kay.  We all have our stories and thoughts.  I just keep thinking I should be doing better with this, but while I go about working, seeing friends and family, the hole in my heart is with me every moment.  We all were blessed to have loved our spouses with all of our hearts.  None of us are perfect, but love has a way of moving past our imperfections and just knowing that we had someone in our lives who completed us.  

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KayC

It's okay now, it's been years...the things that haunt me is that whole last weekend, God that was awful, and having them throw me out when he was dying, that was unforgivable.    Some things are hard to learn to live with.  I doubt George's birthday present was on his mind much as he was fighting for his life and then making peace with the transition   Yes, we do all have our stories, our memories, those hard things.  We live with them.  I even find I have them with my dog.  My main concern is do they realize how very much I love them?  Oh God I hope so!

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foreverhis
13 hours ago, KayC said:

My main concern is do they realize how very much I love them?  Oh God I hope so!

Yes, that's what I wish I knew above all else. 

I have to believe that he has been restored to health.  I have to believe that our precious Charlie and Penny were waiting for him.  I have to believe that he has found peace where he is now.  I have to believe he knows none of what happened was his fault and that he didn't let me down.  And I pray more than anything that he will be waiting for me someday with open arms and an open heart, having forgiven me my faults and failings as I have always forgiven his. 

It's just that I still feel so much as if I failed him somehow in our hardest challenge.  How easily I pile all the blame on myself because I am the one still here on earth.  I guess that's something that will take a long time for me to resolve.  When it comes right down to it, all I want is for my beloved to be healthy, comfortable, and at peace.

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KayC

Eye has not seen nor ear heard , nor have entered into the heart of man, the things which God has prepared for those who love Him. 1 Cor. 2:9

The  Bible also talks about us having a new body and those who have died and come back (NDE) have given account that we are not old and broken any more, we're in a younger body, that sounds good to me!  My George will have a new heart that works and Arlie will be cancer free and able to run and play like when he was a puppy!  The Bible also says there are no more tears!  That is something to look forward to!

10 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It's just that I still feel so much as if I failed him somehow in our hardest challenge.  How easily I pile all the blame on myself because I am the one still here on earth.  I guess that's something that will take a long time for me to resolve.

I think that's something we all grapple with, no matter that we did our best and loved them purely.

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Will Always Be Bill's Wife
On 9/5/2019 at 12:39 AM, JES said:

I have been really bad..even hanging on to his chapsticks....now I am using them, big step for me.

It's been 4 mos.  Chapstick? Yup, his mennen deodorant, yup! His cologne, yup, along with his favorite tee shirts.  The two pieces he wore prior to his death are with me in my bed. Sounds crazy?  No! It sounds like a comforting tangible way to deal with the loss of my husband.  Hugs to all...still going on day by day...hour by hour, minute by minute.

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KayC

I still find comfort in holding or wearing my husband's robe, it feels so much a part of the intimate him.  His pillow's smell faded after a month.  :(  Had I known it would or thought of it, I would have encased it in plastic to retain his smell.  But 14 years later, I have not forgotten his scent, it will be with me forever in my heart.

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