My baby girl

[AKMB98]

It’s been over a month since I lost my daughter. I went on my first ever vacation with my 2 sons. My daughter has 2 sons and has been over 18 months clean from a drug addiction. On July 4th that morning at 5:30 am she sent me a message that the lady she was caring for was dying. When I got up I got showered and ready for the day. At about 8:30 am I told her I was sorry. I never thought that this would break her. Sometime after 9pm her aunt messaged me asking if I had heard from her. I told her that morning I had. She told me she’s not answering her phone that she had left about 12:30 in the afternoon (leaving her boys with her grandma) and no one has heard from her. I asked my sister to try calling while I was talking to my daughters aunt. No answer. We tried countless times. They tried countless times. Every time we called it went straight to a voicemail box that had not been set up. The next morning I started asking different people if they had heard from her. In the duration of talking to people I found out she had gone to the heroin dealers house (she confided that to me who she would go to while she used). At about 5pm July 5th I decided I was heading home the next morning. At 4:34 am Saturday my car was packed and I headed out from my sisters house in Virginia to get home and find my daughter. My sister rode back up with me. This was not like my daughter. For her phone to be off was completely out of character. We walked around town put up flyers in hopes that we’d get something. I was a wreck. Talking and bugging investigator to ping her phone. And also started rounding up people to do a search in the woods. That night my sister and I took a drive up to the area she lived. With different stories we were getting we figured someone probably got scared if she overdosed and dumped her body somewhere. We didn’t find her. On Sunday morning I had voicemails that came through from Saturday night. Sometimes my phone when it goes into a no service area doesn’t reset fully when entering service. One of the voicemails was the investigator letting me know they had pinged her phone. The last ping was 2:26pm on July 4th in the area that she lived. I was devastated. This now is 3 days she’s been missing. I talked to the investigator again and the Barack’s was trying to get the okay for a K9 search. At about 6pm Sunday I received word that the next day they would be conducting that the following morning. In these days leading up to this I would only get 4 hours of sleep at most. I would stay awake until my brain completely went dry and shut down. The next day was the worst. We were sitting outside, with everything with her going on there was a ton of law enforcement around. When I seen the trooper vehicle drive by that’s what I conveyed it too. I kept telling myself over and over “don’t turn around and come here”. He turned around. My heart dropped. But it was 100 times worse when he asked for me by name. I knew. I knew that I no longer had my baby girl. I keep reliving that day every day. My only baby girl. My first born.

I don’t know how to cope with this. I’m sure no one ever knows how to cope with this. But there has to be something. Please. Help me. No matter what I tell myself, I know I’ll never be the same, but I just want things back the way they were. I don’t act the same, I’m constantly in a fog that just won’t lift. This Monday was her birthday she would’ve been 21 this year. She was looking forward to this age. She was looking forward to so many things. This is what’s making it so much harder for me.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[Matt1313]

You need to keep talking about her.This will keep her alive in your heart. Your her mom and that will help you ease your pain . She’s never coming back and your life will never be the same. Grief will always be with you sadly.You will learn to live with it. Trust me,you wilL.

In the meantime,cry,be sad,and grieve her.You have the right to do so.

[Dewbs]

Dear AKMB98,

i am so very sorry for your loss.  I know how devastating this is for you.  I lost my youngest son August 11, 2 years ago.  Losing a child is bad enough, but losing a child to drug abuse and addiction has unique challenges because so many people simply do not understand.

There is no “closure” to this loss, I assure you, and you will never “get over it”.  I know you probably realize that, but I promise you that living will get easier as time goes on.  You will begin to get used to the loss and you will again find joy in the loved ones with whom you share your daughters memory.  The grief will always be there but eventually it will not fill every waking moment.  

I went through a long period of not wanting to live.  I have struggled long and hard with guilt and the feeling that somehow I should have been able to prevent his death, that somehow I should have been able to protect him from what turned out to be a fatal relapse.  Therapy has helped and the grace of God mostly.  I will remember you and your family in my prayers.  You have a difficult road ahead.

Dewbs

[AKMB98]

Dear AKMB98,
i am so very sorry for your loss.  I know how devastating this is for you.  I lost my youngest son August 11, 2 years ago.  Losing a child is bad enough, but losing a child to drug abuse and addiction has unique challenges because so many people simply do not understand.
There is no “closure” to this loss, I assure you, and you will never “get over it”.  I know you probably realize that, but I promise you that living will get easier as time goes on.  You will begin to get used to the loss and you will again find joy in the loved ones with whom you share your daughters memory.  The grief will always be there but eventually it will not fill every waking moment.  
I went through a long period of not wanting to live.  I have struggled long and hard with guilt and the feeling that somehow I should have been able to prevent his death, that somehow I should have been able to protect him from what turned out to be a fatal relapse.  Therapy has helped and the grace of God mostly.  I will remember you and your family in my prayers.  You have a difficult road ahead.
Dewbs

I feel the same way, guilty. She asked me if she could come on vacation with me. But I have a small car and I had my boys going plus our luggage. Or if I hadn’t gone anywhere. I’m the parent that instilled compassion and kindness in my kids. If I were home, would this have happened? It’s something that will eat at me for the rest of my life.
AKMB98


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com