Post Traumatic Stress

[JaniceL]

I lost my husband on July 6.  His cancer stripped him of everything he held precious.  I witnessed so much suffering over the last 4 months of his life. I struggle to sleep, and wake up constantly. My friends think I am suffering from PTSD.  Can other share what they did about it?  I'm such a private person, group therapy isn't my thing.  I've had a hard time finding an individual therapist that is acceptable to my stupid insurance. The ones that are on their accepted list, fall under a specialist category which means I have to satisfy a huge deductible before true insurance coverage kicks in.  I don't want to spend money I have no idea would be well worth it or not.  I'm still dealing with funeral expenses as it is. 

Janice

 

[Billie Rae]

I lost my husband on July 6.  His cancer stripped him of everything he held precious.  I witnessed so much suffering over the last 4 months of his life. I struggle to sleep, and wake up constantly. My friends think I am suffering from PTSD.  Can other share what they did about it?  I'm such a private person, group therapy isn't my thing.  I've had a hard time finding an individual therapist that is acceptable to my stupid insurance. The ones that are on their accepted list, fall under a specialist category which means I have to satisfy a huge deductible before true insurance coverage kicks in.  I don't want to spend money I have no idea would be well worth it or not.  I'm still dealing with funeral expenses as it is. 
Janice
 

I also lost my husband to pancreatic cancer and yes,watching them deteriorate and not be able to care for themselves(my 6 foot 4 guy was 81 lbs when he left)does cause ptsd,as I have no insurance this is the place I turned to.
I'm so sorry for your loss,there are many of us here that have gone through this.
You are still new to this pain,I am 7 months in.
At first all I could picture of our life was the last 3 months,his fear and confusion,his hope,the acceptance at the end,it went through my mind and soul constantly.
Now I still see it but can also see our life before,our trip to Reno,buying him a truck,the beautiful construction on homes he did,the Times I went to work with him and played on the beach all day.
This site and the people here are what got me through,no judgement,no telling me what I should feel or think.
Only love and advice from people farther in
And a family(albeit an online one)who get it and get me with no pressure.
If you need a professional and don't like face to face there are several online one is DR on demand.
Take life day by day,hour by hour,please remember self care,try to eat or a nutrition shake and hydrate,if you can't sleep at least rest.
Be gentle on yourself and allow the grief.
If you have negative or hurtful people around you shelve them at least for now.
It is about you right now.Anything you are feeling is valid,fear,anger guilt and a sadness so deep you can't move.
You are going through the worst thing that can happen.
We are here for you with love and acceptance,we all grieve differently but we understand.
Love and one moments peace.
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

Janice,

One thing group support groups can do, even if you don't open up to them, is it lets you know you are not alone in your feelings (but you can get that here too), it can open the way for friendships with others going through similar experience, as well as the materials used that help you learn.  They are not a replacement for a professional grief counselor, who can help you navigate your way through this...a good one is worth their weight in gold, but sometimes it can take trying a couple of them to find a good fit...same as with grief support groups.

I am glad you found your way here, and want to welcome you.  The hardest thing I've ever gone through was the loss of my husband, that was 14+ years ago, and now Friday the loss of my sweet dog (cancer) and I am inconsolable, he's been my sole companion these last 10 1/2 years.  Cancer is insidious, to me it is a four letter word, I'm so sorry you went through that.

Thank you, Billie, for your words of wisdom!

I wrote this article of what I've found helpful and hope you find something in it that resonates with you, something to help you today, something more perhaps for tomorrow.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Moment2moment]

Janice

I too watched my loved one go through a horrific dying process over a period of 5 months due to congestive heart failure. I watched her body waste down and her mind deteriorate in a way I could never have imagined.

PTSD symptoms of flashbacks, intrusive visuals, constant review, overwhelming sadness, terror, and feelings I have no words for.

She was in hospice so I got almost a year of counseling support but no real work done on my PTSD. I thought I was through it but at 15 months out i too am looking for a good therapist. 

A good place to look for therapists in your area is on Psychology Today's find a therapist website. It shows their areas of specialty and payment options. Some accept cash at a reduced rate. This is how I plan to find someone locally.

I don't think a lot of grief therapists are prepared to deal with these specific issues 

[KayC]

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html

[Vincent30]

I have had a simular experience. My girlfriend heard that she had it again last year in june. Then a surgery and chemo. We hoped that it was gone, but it came back in january and she passed away in march of this year.

It was though, but i really really think that that period in which her fysical state got worse and worse was also a good period. Ofcourse, the knowledge that your partner is going to pass away is beyond terrible. But at least having the time to say goodbye and enjoy a few precious moments is something i find extremly valuable. All the decisions that we needed to make about her treatment we did good. So i have no regrets about that period for as far as you can have no regrets/remorse/however you want to call it. I hope that it was the same for you and i hope that you can get strength from that, like i can.

 

About your sleeping problems. Im having a bit of this week and i also happend to have an appoitment with my doctor. She told me that she wouldn't mind giving me some me sleep medication, but she also told me to be careful with it. Its easy to become addicted and thats not something you want. She told me to take it on one night, then not for 2 nights and then for one night again. In the end i decided not to use it and sit it out. Hopefully after this weekend i'll be in my normal routine.

 

As for the funeral expenses, it seems like its a burden on you. Is it a possibility for you to ask family and friends for financial support? Perhaps even with a payback plan in a few years when thing settle down?

[foreverhis]

On 8/21/2019 at 1:35 PM, JaniceL said:

His cancer stripped him of everything he held precious.  I witnessed so much suffering over the last 4 months of his life. I struggle to sleep, and wake up constantly. My friends think I am suffering from PTSD.  Can other share what they did about it?  I'm such a private person, group therapy isn't my thing.

Hello.  I could have written every word of this.  I have to be honest with you because anything else won't be helpful.  Going through the last few months of my husband's cancer was devastating for both of us.  Watching him leave us bit by bit and being helpless to stop it changed me forever.  The stress, fear, lack of sleep, and always asking myself, "Why didn't I do better?" took a toll that is hard to describe.  I've asked myself countless times how life can be so unfair as to take a truly good, caring, honest man and make him suffer that way.  I suppose what I'm left with is a form of PTSD, though I hadn't considered it that way until now.  It's been 14 months for me and my life is ever so slightly softer and easier than it was 14 months ago.  I can't say I am happy and I don't expect to ever be happy in the same way again, but there are small bits of light and hope that weren't there a year ago.  Actually, my husband's birthday was this week and a year ago I could not do anything for that whole week.  This year was better, not great, but better.

For the first several months after my husband died, I was a virtual hermit.  The only people I spent time with were our best friends (aka chosen family).  They were the only people I could bear to be around for more than a brief time.  I'm better about being around people now, but still have days where I don't want to see or speak to another living soul.  I feel like I'm in a bubble a good deal of the time with life flowing on around me, but untouched by it.  If I look too closely at other people's lives going forward, being "normal," I fall apart.  I also can't seem to get things done.  There are things I've been needing to do literally for more than a year.I just don't seem to have the energy to do it.  Grief is exhausting, which makes the trauma of it even more difficult.  You are bound to feel overwhelmed because I believe our minds and bodies have been pushed to their limits.  If you feel you can't deal with people, tell them you need to be alone.  If you feel that being around certain people will help, then seek them out--but make certain that they will let you be however you need to be and not lecture or give unwanted advice.  You need comfort and understanding, not judgement or negativity.

I miss my love every bit as much as I did the first day I woke up knowing that this was my life now.  I talk to him out loud (at home) every day.  I even tell him I need him to come home and ask him how I'm supposed to live without him.  I've come to realize that learning to live with my grief and without my love is going to take years.  It's not just accepting his death, it's accepting the future without him, which I think takes at least as much time.  Please do not put any pressure on yourself and do not let others pressure you either.  Your grief is yours alone and cannot be wrong.  I urge you to let out your feelings out loud at home.  Talk to your husband.  In truth, we all do that and keep doing it.  My husband is still present in my life, even though he's not here on earth with me now.  Please allow yourself to talk, yell, rant, and express what you are going through.  And if you are a person of faith, please understand that it's okay to yell at God too.  Keeping things in never seems to work in the long run because bottling it up ends up exploding like a champagne cork and can be very destructive.

Your grief is still so raw, so new, and so shocking (yes, even with months to "prepare") that what you should focus on right now is just getting through each day, hour, and even minute sometimes.  You must practice self care, even though it may seem impossible, as it did for me.  I just didn't care about anything.  These feelings are normal and expected even.  You may feel like you're losing your mind and in a way, you have.  You've lost what you hold most dear.  You watched helpless as your wonderful husband suffered.  It's a cliche perhaps, but as women we do tend to be caretakers and "fixers."  Faced with the knowledge that we can't fix this or change the outcome, we can feel as if we've let down the person we love most in the world.  Let yourself feel things because your heart is in charge right now, but try to get your mind to nudge in and remind your heart that you did everything you could and that he didn't want to leave you. 

Cancer is a bastard because it doesn't just destroy the body, it harms our hearts and minds.  It leaves living victims in its wake because we are the ones left here asking ourselves what we could have done better or differently or anything that would have led to a different outcome.  This too is normal, but it's an added pressure that is probably part of why your friends believe it is at least a form of PTSD.  It is.  There are medications that may help ease your symptoms and allow you to start the long and painful journey forward.  It's important to realize that we don't "move on" or "get over it" or any other cliche.  What we have to do is learn to make our grief a part of us and our lives, rather than the all-consuming thing it is now.

There is reason to have hope and to believe that you will not always feel the way you do now.  Our grief changes as it evolves over time.  I have managed to have a number of big home repairs/upgrades completed, things we were already planning or ready to have done.  There's a bittersweet aspect to that because I'm seeing his vision come to life and can only hope that he is proud of it and of me.  I also have a newer small circle of neighborhood friends now.  People we have known very casually for a long time.  You know, the "Hi so-and-so. How are you?" and seeing each other at block parties or around town.  A number of them started reaching out after a few months of (I think) not knowing what to say or do, plus I was cocooned alone most of the time and not reaching out myself.  Slowly and gently they have pried open my heart a bit and I am letting them in as friends who have shown they really do care.  I have times when I can smile and even laugh.  When you can, let those who reach out that way help you through this impossible time.

One of the things that has helped me is having people who encourage me to talk about my husband and who want to know our stories or who have been in our lives for decades and remember those stories with me.  It's up to me now to keep his memory and our memories together alive.  That responsibility is actually a positive for me.  If you have someone in your life who understands and who will listen, it may help you far more than pouring out your heart in a grief support group. 

Please read Kay's tips for making our way through grief.  She is an amazingly thoughtful, caring woman who is always here for us, even as she is going through a new grief herself.  You will likely find that some of her "been there, done that" advice and suggestions are helpful now.  You will also likely find some of it not applicable or helpful for you.  I urge you to take her words to heart, understanding that she is not saying, "Here are the things you should feel and do," but rather, "Here are some things I've learned and that have helped me.  I hope some of it may help you too."

On the physical side of things, I starting taking a restorative yoga class that a friend teaches twice a week a few months ago.  I have a dancer's background, so it's been a fairly easy fit for me.  I've found that I have to focus only on that while I'm doing it, which is an unexpected "break" from my emotional and physical pain.  I sleep better (a relative term, of course) those nights.  I urge you to try to find a physical activity, whatever works for you, that will tire your body and ease your mind a little.  That kind of fatigue can be a good thing.  But also remember to be easy on yourself.  If you need to be in a little puddle of tears, cry without guilt.  If you need to rage against the universe and life, go for it.  Eat, even if you have to force yourself to have something.  Only allow people in your life right now who will be a positive in this dark, painful time. And do not allow anyone to try to tell you what your husband would "want" you to do or feel, like "He wouldn't want you to cry" or "He wouldn't want you to be unhappy."  Those are "Well, duh" statements and absurd.  Of course he wouldn't want those things, but there's no way around them.  I suspect he would know that too.

I still do not sleep well and haven't gotten a truly good night's sleep more than once or twice a month.  I cannot "go to bed" in our bed because I toss and turn and my busy brain will not shut up.  I leave the TV on low and fall asleep on the sofa eventually and then later stagger up to bed for a few more hours of sleep.  Every morning when I wake up, I have a split second between sleep and the day when I forget.  I suspect that little slap in the heart will not go away for a long time, but it is less sharp and painful than it was a year ago.

My doctor prescribed medication to help me sleep and to relieve some stress.  My first reaction was that I don't want to take any more medications than I must for my multiple long-term medical conditions.  Years ago, like most of us, my medications consisted of OTC pain relievers like aspirin from time to time and a yearly course of antibiotics for the darn bronchitis I'd get every winter.  Having to line up prescription bottles is bad enough; I didn't want to add to them.  That was stupid pride.  I now take a low dose of anti-depressant in the morning and an anti-anxiety med at night to help me sleep.  I've gone from 3 to 4 hours a night to 5 or 6.  If your doctor offers medication for sleep and anxiety, I urge you to take them and not try to be stoic or consider it a weakness.  No one can be expected to be strong with this kind of loss and pain.  No one.

Like you, I am a very private person and know that an in-person group situation would not help me. But this forum has.  I came here to try to find ways to cope, not for validation.  That I found validation for everything I was and am thinking, feeling, and doing has been an amazing bonus.  I can participate or just read; I can vent if I need to; and I can take a break entirely without worrying that anyone will push me in any way.  When I'm up to it, I can write and talk with other members who "get it" in a way no one else does or can.  I can tell as much or as little as is comfortable for me.  I know that I will not be judged or criticized or told what I should or shouldn't do.  Please know that you have found a caring community of people who are on the same painful road you are and who do what we can to help each other.

[JaniceL]

 

OMG, that was so helpful foreverhis.  I had a lousy day trying to find a counselor who specializes in PTSD and grief.  I actually thought I found ONE after a very long several day search.  I sent a message to this individual, who responded saying "I'm sorry, my practice is currently full."    UGH...

Anyway, for now i decided to attend one group bereavement session next week just to test it out, maybe i'll be surprised.  In the meantime, i will start the PTSD/grief counseling search all over again.

Thank god for this group. I read everything written and it helps. 

[Billie Rae]

Foreverhis,so eloquent,you wrote every thing I feel.
This must have been a hard week for you,I hope you were able to find some memories that made you smile.(you know that smile,the one with tears in our eyes)
I haven't had a full night sleep in 7 months.
I have found a natural herb for anxiety,I was out of control with it,terrified of everything and over thinking,it's called Ashwagandha,it took 4 days to work but I'm not as jumpy and fidgety.
You are right about an activity,I've started running again with my music on and for that 45 minutes I'm at peace.
I find the sun helps,afraid for the winter to come.
Love you
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

Janice, I'm glad you're trying to find some help.  Could you maybe ask the "full" one if she knows someone that might be good?  I pray you'll get some help for your endeavors.

foreverhis, everything you wrote was so spot on!  Thank you for taking the time for such a heartfelt response, it was great!

 

[JaniceL]

Vincent30- no I didn't get to have that closure conversations you had with your bf. My husband experienced an unexpected episode which killed him in the wee hours of the morning. I wasn't with him when he passed. When I got the call that he was suddenly down turning, I was an hour away from the hospital. As I prepared to go in, the phone rang again to tell me he was gone. So not only do i hold images of his pain & suffering, I have tons of regrets. No family to assist with funeral expenses, they have their own issues... Stranges are kinder. Close friends are kinder. But really no one has funds to spare. 

KayC i didn't follow back with therapist for any recommendations. I thought the reply was extremely cold. I sort of concluded that a professional like would follow up the 'I'm full' statement with a recommendation. Since I didn't get one, maybe it's for the best. 

Once again, thank God I found this group.

[KayC]

I wonder that a person, esp. a professional, doesn't think about the effect of their words, not just what they say, but the tone speaks as well.    I'm sorry it wasn't someone more caring, but as you said, maybe it's for the best.  Better luck with the next try!

[foreverhis]

On 8/23/2019 at 5:32 PM, Billie Rae said:

This must have been a hard week for you,I hope you were able to find some memories that made you smile.(you know that smile,the one with tears in our eyes)

 

Thanks, Billie Rae.  It was a hard week, but it had some good moments too.  One of my newer friends, who lives just a couple of houses up the street, has written in her calendar every one of my difficult dates (anniversary, birthdays, the day I lost my love, etc.).  She will email or text to ask if I'm up to a walk at lunch time (or so) that day.  On my birthday, I actually texted her first because I knew if would be good.

We walk to a local nature preserve and go by the water.  We talk about my husband and our life, about her life with her husband, some of the "You're kidding?" coincidences we've discovered (we're only 10 months apart in age and have similar backgrounds), the weather and local events, sometimes political stuff, and just anything that comes to mind.  She is the one who lost her daughter at birth many years ago, so she is very attuned to grief and the needs that go with it.  Those walks have been so helpful in easing the day a little bit.

Yes, I do know that smile very well.  And I did manage to find it here and there over the past week.

I'm sending you big hugs and lots of love.  I hope you are finding moments of peace and comfort.

[Mulelady]

Foreverhis: your first paragraph really resonated with me....only I'm just at 4 months....so still struggling with guilt ....painful memories of two tough years .....and a bit of envy when I see any happy couple . I'm happy for them....but it reminds me what I've lost. 

Janice: I ran into the same insurance issue....so decided to try the free Hospice mixed group.  The first night was awkward for everyone....I wondered how many would not return the following week.  One daughter brought her mother and spoke for her as she held her head down.....saying her mother was too quiet/ shy .  The following week....she returned ....talking up a storm !  We're on week 4 and several people have become able to open up. Last week were were invited to bring photos to share with the group....time to express our memories or loss ...it really seemed to help .  

I have been struggling with crying all the time....public places .  This past Friday was a hurdle.  Our farm finally sold. Many friends offered positive remarks....certainly nice....but I was hugely depressed....as all I saw was my husbands life time dream gone.  Together we had taken it from bare ground to personally building all the barns , fencing and small home .For 25 years we worked side by side without a single disagreement.  After some difficult previous experiences, we had found each other and the best life ever.    I had been visiting there daily to feed the barn cat and " talk/cry " with Winston from the porch.....which I can no longer do. I feel like my life is just over , sad.

[JaniceL]

Mulelady,  I get it totally, that's why I'm going to try the group thing this week to see how it goes.  I consider myself a fairly strong person but in the last month of my husband's life I started to get panic attacks.  After his passing, they stopped...so i thought.  But I had another one right yesterday, when i was catching a catnap, I woke up startled struggling to breathe.  So, I guess, I'm even more of a mess than I thought.  I know my spouse were here, he'd not want me like this. Therefore, I figured I need to make myself busier than before.  The catnap was from pure exhaustion as I haven't slept for more than a couple hours on and off for weeks.  I really don't want to medicate, not my thing.  While I was struggling to breathe, I walked as quickly as possible around the kitchen to shake it off.  After about 15mins I began to calm down.  I'm angry I can't seem to control the uncontrollable.  Ugh....  

[KayC]

35 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

One of my newer friends, who lives just a couple of houses up the street, has written in her calendar every one of my difficult dates (anniversary, birthdays, the day I lost my love, etc.).  She will email or text to ask if I'm up to a walk at lunch time (or so) that day.  On my birthday, I actually texted her first because I knew if would be good.

How great a friend! I'm glad you have someone like her so close by.

[KayC]

25 minutes ago, Mulelady said:

Our farm finally sold. Many friends offered positive remarks....certainly nice....but I was hugely depressed....as all I saw was my husbands life time dream gone.  Together we had taken it from bare ground to personally building all the barns , fencing and small home .For 25 years we worked side by side without a single disagreement.  After some difficult previous experiences, we had found each other and the best life ever.    I had been visiting there daily to feed the barn cat and " talk/cry " with Winston from the porch.....which I can no longer do. I feel like my life is just over , sad.

I'm sorry, I know this has to be huge for you.  Still talk to him, even though you'll be in a different place, they aren't limited to places.  I find I not only talk to my husband now, but to my dog that just passed as well.  I worry what Arlie thinks about me having him put to sleep.  I would have taken care of him forever if I could, but it was hard watching him suffer with cancer.  My heart is broken, all over again.

[KayC]

9 minutes ago, JaniceL said:

I can't seem to control the uncontrollable.

That's hard about this, none of us can control it.  I'm sorry you aren't getting much sleep.  I didn't either when my husband died, I refused the doctor's offer of sleeping pills, looking back I think I should have taken them, I made it harder on myself than it needed to be.  I also have anxiety.  l finally got help for that too, although something mild and safe.  Anxiety has a way of blowing up on us when we're grieving.  (((hugs)))

[Billie Rae]

Janice,like you the last month of my husband's illness I got panic attacks,if he didn't respond to my texts I would meltdown,pulling up to the house I would think"is he gone"and sleeping?no I was afraid he would die beside me.After he died I had so much to do they went away,but at about 4 months I had a few more,am I doing the right thing?am I okay?what if I lose my job?I think it's because at this time shock has worn off and we really start to understand that this is forever.
I started running(mostly fast walk at this point)but it seems to ease the stress.
I also started setting aside 45 minutes every other day to listen to music and read and to use that time to not let anything intrude.
Love to all
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Billie Rae]

Mulelady
I had to get rid of our home so what I do now I write him long letters in a journal all the while talking to him.
The writing not only let's me feel connected but I look back and see how much I've changed since day one.
Its lonely but my apartment is starting to feel like home.
My heart to you
Billie

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[Billie Rae]

 
Thanks, Billie Rae.  It was a hard week, but it had some good moments too.  One of my newer friends, who lives just a couple of houses up the street, has written in her calendar every one of my difficult dates (anniversary, birthdays, the day I lost my love, etc.).  She will email or text to ask if I'm up to a walk at lunch time (or so) that day.  On my birthday, I actually texted her first because I knew if would be good.
We walk to a local nature preserve and go by the water.  We talk about my husband and our life, about her life with her husband, some of the "You're kidding?" coincidences we've discovered (we're only 10 months apart in age and have similar backgrounds), the weather and local events, sometimes political stuff, and just anything that comes to mind.  She is the one who lost her daughter at birth many years ago, so she is very attuned to grief and the needs that go with it.  Those walks have been so helpful in easing the day a little bit.
Yes, I do know that smile very well.  And I did manage to find it here and there over the past week.
I'm sending you big hugs and lots of love.  I hope you are finding moments of peace and comfort.

Its wonderful that you have someone who understands grief,to have that connection makes us feel not quite so alone.
And walking the beach,my idea of joy,it's only a short drive for me to Westport but it's summer but on winter weekends I love to go and walk for hours.
I love you so very much
Billie

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[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, JaniceL said:

I know my spouse were here, he'd not want me like this. Therefore, I figured I need to make myself busier than before.  The catnap was from pure exhaustion as I haven't slept for more than a couple hours on and off for weeks.  I really don't want to medicate, not my thing. 

It's true, our loves wouldn't want us to be in such pain, but they'd also know it is unavoidable.  They know they'd grieve just like we are if the situations were reversed.

I must urge you not to try to fill every minute in order to "dull" your grief or live up to what you think you should be doing.  It might seem helpful for a short time, but eventually your grief will catch up with you.  As hard as it is and as much as you don't want to, this grief journey is something you absolutely must allow yourself to experience.  I must again be honest and remind you that there is no easy way forward.  But eventually, we all seem to take baby steps.  Sometimes forward and sometimes back again because grief is not a straight or level road.

I am still mostly taking it one day at a time.  On bad days, it's by the hour.  Please, please allow yourself down time.  I fear for you and that your panic attacks will become worse.  Collapsing in a "sneak attack" nap (as my husband used to call them) is understandable right now because you're not sleeping.  Over time that will also catch up with you.  Lack of sleep, overdoing things, and collapsing into naps will take a toll on your body and your mind.  As much as your love would hate to see you suffering, I bet he'd hate even more for you to end up in the hospital.

I can understand you not wanting to take medication.  It's just not for some people.  Would you be willing to consider natural supplements like melatonin, topical magnesium or lavender oil, or valerian or chamomile tea?  My favorites are time-release melatonin and topical magnesium spray.  With the magnesium, you spray it on the bottoms of your feet, rub it in, and put on socks for a little if you want.  It helps your system relax a bit.  I can't say it's been like "OMG.  I can sleep again."  But some nights I'm able to skip my anti-anxiety medication and still get 5 to 7 hours total sleep.  Granted, I need a minimum of 8 to 10 hours because of my health conditions, so it's not perfect and my health does suffer.  Still, it's a darn sight better than the 3 to 4 I was getting and I'm not as exhausted all the time.

BTW, you can also spray and rub the magnesium directly on muscle cramps.  I'm a skeptic and honestly didn't think it would help, but last week I woke at 5 am with horrible cramps in my calves.  You know the kind that make you want to scream?  My doctor had said not to stretch or rub them as it makes the cramps last longer.  So I figured I might as well try the spray.  I sprayed, rubbed it in gently, and within 3 minutes the cramps had not just stopped, but those muscles had started to relax.  And I didn't have the after-spasm muscle fatigue.

The last few months of my husband's life, whether he was home, at rehab, or in the hospital, I don't think I slept more than a few hours a night because I always had my "mom ears" open for the slightest thing or to help his nurse if we were at the hospital.  Not that an infusion recliner is terribly comfortable anyway.  If I was at home overnight and he was at rehab, I'd have one ear waiting for the phone just in case.  Plus I couldn't shut up my constantly spinning brain.  And every day, I was out of bed early getting things ready, bringing my sweetheart his favorite things, and helping in every way.  I sometimes wonder how I managed to function at all.  I suspect you know exactly what I mean.

Now it's time for you to practice self care, both for your sake and for his memory.  It's a lesson I'm learning ever so slowly, but I remind myself that I am the keeper of his memories, of our memories, and of everything we hold dear.

Another thing you might find helpful is a physical activity.  Billie Rae mentioned she's starting to run.  I loathe running, but I like walking and I'm learning beginning restorative yoga.  Think about the things that you like to do and perhaps work one of them into your daily routine.  It may help you sleep as well as relieve some stress.

I'm glad you're going to try the group situation.  As I am a private person, I get why you're concerned about it.  Maybe it will be better or more helpful than you expect.  Maybe you'll confirm it's not the right thing for you.  Either way, you will have tried it.  You can always ask the facilitator/counselor for a recommendation for a private grief counselor.  Our local hospice has a referral service that includes some counselors who will work on a sliding scale for people who don't have insurance, don't have mental health coverage, or who can't afford the high co-pays.  Is that something you could look into?  I hope you're able to find someone to help you.

And most of all, please keep coming here to talk as much as you want.

[Mulelady]

I know I need to get out ....maybe walk at the park ( too dangerous where I live ) . I just can't seem to make it there.   All I do is eat and some legal appts. I can't remember when I last cleaned the house  . I did start a diary before Winston passed.  I keep a book mark of youtube music .....which is a mixed blessing....very emotional ...like " When I'm Gone " by Joey & Rory. She actually did pass from cancer....sad.  I bet Yoga is beneficial.....but years past always seemed too hard for me to get into....usually too busy.  Occasionally for sleeping.....put in ear buds and zone out with a binaural app ( sounds ) that has helped a bit....but wouldn't say I've gained valuable sleep yet.  I never experienced anyone around me with this type of grief....so it's overwhelming how painful it is.  All the time he was ill, I  focussed completely on his needs ....which I am totally am grateful for....didn't waste a minute about what was ahead....but now ...it's like I'm crashing and burning with sadness.  It often feels uncomfortable collapsing in tears w/ friends or even group people....and several have already indicated I need to get a grip....create a new life....get past it.....you feel the impatience...OMG...it's only 4 months .  

Billy Rae....wish I could walk the shore line with you....I fondly recall my child hood memories of the Jersey shore as I do these mountains now. Notice it's 4 am....guess I'll be tired tomorrow !

[KayC]

11 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Would you be willing to consider natural supplements

I take SAM-e, I started on it for liver support but it also has mood elevation and helps joints so those are benefits, I noticed a difference within two weeks.  It's something we already have in our body and is natural...I also gave it to my dog when he was dying of cancer and noticed it helped him feel better.

The pain of grief can be overwhelming and exhausting.  I am grieving my dog, who has been gone for ten days now, and I haven't hurt like this since my husband died 14 years ago.  Wouldn't you know a couple of days my plans got canceled, not what I needed!  I took a friend out for her birthday and a 95 year old out a couple days later as I knew she was lonely too.  Today will be another long day.  foreverhis is right, we can't circumvent grief by keeping busy, but it does help to stay active, just so long as you have some time in the day when you allow yourself to feel, cry your tears, work through your grief, and this is a good place to come to.  It helps to have a professional grief counselor.  The first counselor I got was not a grief counselor, he just purported to be, it was quick and easy to see he didn't get it.  I was fortunate enough to find grief counselors at another website, the one that owns the website is my mentor and I've learned so much from her over the years, she's been amazing.  

8 hours ago, Mulelady said:

Billy Rae....wish I could walk the shore line with you

Me too!  It sounds wonderful and I've always found the ocean, beach, the noise, the smells, so soothing, it's one of my favorite places to be.  When I had Lucky, I used to take her along the Columbia (she was a Whippet and we used to call her a Whimpet because she was scared of everything...hence the softly lapping waves were easier for her than that of the ocean) and she loved it.

[foreverhis]

58 minutes ago, KayC said:

It sounds wonderful and I've always found the ocean, beach, the noise, the smells, so soothing, it's one of my favorite places to be

My entire life, even as a foreign exchange student in high school, I've lived within an hour of the ocean.  Now we live within sight of it, though not where it's actually accessible by walking.  We have the nature preserve and marsh area, which is really nice, but no immediate water access.  OTOH, I'm no longer 16 and do not consider 58 degree water acceptable for swimming anyway.  The big thing is being able to watch the tides and having the salty-sandy smell in the air.  There's an amazing cove beach about 15 minutes drive along the coast area, which is a really great walking area.

Years ago I realized that even when we would travel, it was almost always to coastal/ocean/lake/river areas.  I guess we're all water babies (though apparently not "water signs" in the zodiac).  My sister and I have discussed more than once how the very thought of not living near the ocean creeps us out.  We love the mountains and have visited most of the country and big parts of Canada.  They're wonderful places to visit and explore and appreciate, but we have to come back to the water.

The other thing I've noticed is that everyone I know, literally everyone, has relatives further up the Pacific coast, specifically in Washington and the Puget Sound area.  How or why that happens, I have no idea.  But once a water baby, always a water baby, I guess.

[KayC]

Nearly six years ago I had a vacation set for Arlie and I to go to the coast together...then I got my layoff, no warning, the Friday before.  Knowing I no longer had an income coming in, I canceled my vacation.  I discovered I needed a new roof, then I tore my ligaments.  My boss was supposed to cover my insurance through the end of the year, he didn't even keep it the last month I worked, it took me 13 1/2 months to get paid my last three months pay from him.  Arlie and I never did get that vacation and I regret that now.  He only got to see the ocean once and run along the beach.  Now it's too late for him and I'm so regretting that.    He would have loved it!

 

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Arlie and I never did get that vacation and I regret that now.  He only got to see the ocean once and run along the beach.

I'm sorry you and Arlie didn't get to take that special trip to the coast.  You know it was not your fault, right?  Look at the series of events that fell on you at the time.  And your boss?  I hope there is a special place in whatever "hell" is for people like that.

But Kay, you know you gave Arlie an amazing life.  Of course you will feel like his love was a special gift to you because it was.  You were a special gift to him.  Ask yourself how many people would have taken on the challenges you did because the shelter was either wrong or flat out lied to you.  How many people would love that much and be so caring?  How many people would have said, "This dog is going to be too much work and bother" and taken him back?  You are both so very special.

You gave each other the most important things in the world.  Arlie wouldn't have cared where you had your adventures together.  He would only have cared that you had them.  Still, here is my prayer for you today:  When the day comes that you are reunited with George and Arlie, I pray that God gives you the grace of a long walk on the beach where he can run and play and get wet and sandy.  Where you can splash and swim in warm water and know that you will be together forever.

[Billie Rae]

I find water healing,I moved to Albuquerque in 97 to 2004 and hated it!I took every job I could to get away,fishing in Alaska,driving truck,to get away from the dry dusty brown no season desert.
I always find myself attracted to the coast or near.Even my future dreams center around water,Biloxi or Gulfport,the Florida coast and Maine summers.
I've been to all these places and the beach at dawn or dusk has been the only place my spirit relaxes.
Much love to each of you today,May your mind take you to the water.

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[KayC]

17 hours ago, foreverhis said:

When the day comes that you are reunited with George and Arlie, I pray that God gives you the grace of a long walk on the beach where he can run and play and get wet and sandy.  Where you can splash and swim in warm water and know that you will be together forever.

Ahh, thank you. I look forward to the day I can be with those two again. Never to be parted again!

[JaniceL]

I had my first group session with a bunch of lovely ladies. Their loss spanned, for some, multiple years. They welcomed me as the newbie to their circle. I enjoyed it. Having said that, I'm not sure how many times i may go. One definite thing I took away was how deeply, long & consuming the grieving is. That depressed the heck out of me. As I looked around the circle I thought to myself, is this going to be me in 9 years? Yes, some of the people there 9plus years into their grief and for them, it was like yesterday. I want to keep my husband vibrant in my life talking about him and cherishing his being, through my being. I will always be pained by his departure and hateful about cancer. What I don't want is to be consumed in a grief state more than a decade after his death. That thought scares the crap our of me. 

[foreverhis]

13 hours ago, JaniceL said:

I want to keep my husband vibrant in my life talking about him and cherishing his being, through my being. I will always be pained by his departure and hateful about cancer. What I don't want is to be consumed in a grief state more than a decade after his death. That thought scares the crap our of me. 

This is actually one of the things that concerns me about in person support groups or group therapy.  I attended meetings of a couple of support groups for my long-term medical conditions, but stopped because the couple of local ones were full of people just feeling sorry for themselves, looking for pity, and wanting to whine to each other.  I did not find that helpful.  Sure, I feel sorry for myself for both my medical conditions and losing my soul mate.  And yeah, I have many, many days and times when I whine, complain, rant, cry, and all of it.  I should probably reach out to friends and family more than I do.  So I have no problem with any of it being part of group support, but I couldn't deal with the fact that it was all they seemed to have.  Nothing helpful or positive in any way.

I know that I will grieve for the rest of my life.  That's just the way it is.  But I have no intention of making my grief so all consuming that I have nothing else.  Like you, I hate the bastard cancer and I don't have much good to say about our local medical specialists either.  I will always feel resentment and anger over that.  I believe that we can ultimately and over a great deal of time make the choice to live with our grief as a permanent part of us, withough letting it drag us down into the abyss forever.  We can make the choice to talk about the good and loving and wonderful partners who allowed us into their hearts.  We can remember the happy times, the funny times, and even the angry times, keeping our loves alive for ourselves and those around us.  I know it will take years and many ups and downs.  I am also certain it's the hardest thing I will ever face.  I listen to no platitudes about "moving on" or "He'd want you to be happy" and will take my dark and painful road in my own way and in my own time.

Yes, grief is a long, hard, painful journey.  There's no way around that.  But it doesn't need to stay exactly the same as we go along.  It doesn't have to consume all of every moment of our lives.  Time can soften the edges of it and we can allow in little bits of light and hope.  It is not easy and can feel as if we're being disloyal.  We are not.

I hope you will give the group at least a few chances to see if there is more to them than just living their grief exactly the same now as they did years ago.  If it's not helpful to you, if it doesn't give you any hope or light, then this group is probably not right for you.  You will have tried, even if attending this group simply confirmed what you suspected.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, JaniceL said:

I had my first group session with a bunch of lovely ladies. Their loss spanned, for some, multiple years. They welcomed me as the newbie to their circle. I enjoyed it. Having said that, I'm not sure how many times i may go. One definite thing I took away was how deeply, long & consuming the grieving is. That depressed the heck out of me. As I looked around the circle I thought to myself, is this going to be me in 9 years? Yes, some of the people there 9plus years into their grief and for them, it was like yesterday. I want to keep my husband vibrant in my life talking about him and cherishing his being, through my being. I will always be pained by his departure and hateful about cancer. What I don't want is to be consumed in a grief state more than a decade after his death. That thought scares the crap our of me. 

I hope you don't give that much more thought...grief is the rest of our lives, but it does not stay in the same intensity, it is ever evolving.  Eventually you will adjust to the changes it means for your life and although you will always love and miss him, the pain lessens.  There are many things we can do to help ourselves process our grief.  I have met some who are rather stuck in the same place but it needn't stay that way.  Reading books, articles, posting & reading here, grief counseling, grief support groups, journaling, all helps, it helps to express yourself, let yourself feel the pain, that is part of the processing.  When you're further into it, it can help to take small breaks from it if you are able to.  Grief has a way of hunting us down and getting our attention, doesn't it!  It takes everything we can do to muster surviving, but it will get better, I promise you, although I can't say when, that differs from person to person.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, foreverhis said:

This is actually one of the things that concerns me about in person support groups or group therapy.  I attended meetings of a couple of support groups for my long-term medical conditions, but stopped because the couple of local ones were full of people just feeling sorry for themselves, looking for pity, and wanting to whine to each other.  I did not find that helpful

And you are absolutely right, that is NOT helpful!  A good grief facilitator will not let that happen!  It's important to have things to talk about and bring the discussion back around to it, not let someone dominate especially with negativity.  I would look for another grief support group and be frank with the leader about why.