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Grieving my lovely daddy, died July 8, 2019


Thandiweph

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Unsure of where to start. 

My name's Thandiwe --  South African, 24 & living in Columbus. 

My father passed a month ago, back home in SA -- and I have no idea how to process or survive this.

I'm drinking almost every night just to feel something, cause sometimes all I feel is numb. 

And when my mom is a few hours late in coming home, or someone I love just doesn't respond -- I get neurotic & panic they are dead too. 

I'm so scared of caring about people right now, so I've isolated myself -- at least then i can feel lonely, and not afraid i'll lose them at any moment.

I can't sleep at times, and at times I can sleep for days.

I quit my job because I went down a deep tunnel end thinking of "what's the point?" 

I can't help but feel that a part of my identity has been shattered, because my papa was a part of my heart -- he gave me life, and a lot of me comes from him.

and now, just like that.. he's gone. and I am too.

And I don't know how to communicate to the world around me - my friends, and family that i am hurting & I don't know how to put it in words. 

But even if I don't say it, I appreciate it -- means a lot to receive texts, to be initiated with to do something normal, something fun -- to laugh, to see me get up at 12pm and not judge me but give me grace & time. 

I only wish to get out of this stronger, but... I'm sorry I can't do it perfectly. 

or even at all.

I don't know what i'm doing. 

I'm just surviving right now.

Trying to stay alive, when half of my heart is dead.

 

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Hi Thandiweph,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. It's been 8 months since I've lost my dear dad and there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him. Your words resonates with me because I know the feeling... the pain! Especially what you wrote "and now, just like that.. he's gone & I am too." It's only been a month for you, so the hurt is still very raw. It's been 8 months for me, but it's still hard for me to accept that I'm never going to hear his voice, see his wonderful smile again, and just enjoy his company. This site has helped me in many ways because I don't feel so alone in my grief and that there are others who have experienced this kind of pain. Again, I'm sorry for your loss. I hope we can both find peace and acceptance one day. I know that my dad would want me to have a happy life, so for that reason, I carry on as best as I can to honor him. I'm his daughter and a part of him lives through me. 

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