I Feel So Lost

[Rhonda R]

My husband passed away on 6-14-18.  I go through the motions every day.  I work a full time job and a part time job.  I try to be there for my kids and everyone else in my life as much as I can but honestly, I go through the day and it is an absolute effort to do everything.  I just feel heavy, sluggish and overwhelmed all of the time.  It feels like I'm hollow inside and a part of me is missing.  It's like I'm constantly searching for something to fulfill me, anything, but nothing works.  My house used to be spotless now, it's okay.  I don't even care.  He was my best friend, we did everything together.  We used to 4 wheel, ride snowmobile, ride motorcycle, do everything together.  I miss my husband.  I have been seeing a counselor since a couple months after he died but that seems to have run it's course too.  People talk about him less and less.  It feels like our life together has been forgotten.  Grief is treated like a time and a place but it's not.  I feel like this hole in my chest is always going to be there. 

[Heart&Soul]

3 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

People talk about him less and less

I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband 9 months ago and I also feel that people don't talk about him anymore.  Not sure if they are doing this to not hurt me or what, but I miss him and I miss talking about him and bringing him up in conversations with family and friends.  I also feel that hole in my chest - he was my soul mate and best friend.

This is a horrible place we have found ourselves in - I feel for all of us.  Be kind to yourself and take care.

[Mulelady]

New here....helps to realize I'm not so alone.....until " it " happens to you...you have no real clue how devastating it will be.  We were together 24/7 ....worked, farmed, camped, trained equines, traveled ...but most of all...deeply understood and supported each other as no one else ever did.  I spent the last two years struggling to help him through all the treatments, pain, sadness ( losing first his beloved mules, then ability to shoot /reload and finally the love of his dream farm) and the growing fear of lost ability to breathe . He had Mesothelioma .  We actually built our home , two large barns and fencing all by ourselves. Our lives were so full together....but now I'm am so alone. We never had much of a social life...we were each other's social life.   It's just 3-1/2 months.  Unfortunately I was immediately hit with challenging legal, maintenance , family ( long distance ) issues.....which was overwhelming....and maybe delayed my daily crying now....in public...doesn't take much to trigger me. At first , like many, didn't want to live ...no point.  Still....not interested in things....give away what anyone will take...what's the point ?  I am so lonely ( live 12 miles out of town rurally ) so often stay as late as possible in town at a coffee shop.  

Tomorrow night will be my first grief group ....but have heard negative things because they have all losses in one group.  The only thing I still do ...is eat...and don't know why I bother. 

[Rhonda R]

Mulelady - I am so sorry to hear this.  Our stories are very similar in that, I was left with very challenging financial issues as well.  He kept telling me he had 150,000 in life insurance for me to be able to have some time to make some decisions after his death (Renal Cell Carcinoma).  That turned out to be an Accidental Death Policy and didn't even cover the funeral.  Needless to say, I lost our beloved lake home and had to sell all of it's contents within 60 days of his dying.  4 years of searching for the perfect things to put in it only to have people barter with me for the item.  I was so not ready.  I was also left with a nice back taxes amount that I didn't know about which has taken me two jobs and a year to pay off.  Randy was many great things, but great with money wasn't one of them.  His daughter who hadn't been in her dads life for 8 years came back into the picture as he was dying in the hospital and caused all kids of chaos at the funeral.  His ex-wife, who he hated showed up at the funeral.  Her family showed up and her mother introduced herself to me as Randy's mother in law.  They had nothing to do with him in the past 8 years.  His son turned on me and felt that I shouldn't go up to our lake home and go through things without him.  Left me a nasty message about how f-ing tired of it he was.  Now this kid lived in Texas the last 6 years and saw us for a week once a year.  Let me also state that when he was first diagnosed with kidney cancer and had his kidney removed, they didn't come to the hospital, call or send a card.  They lived 20 miles from the hospital at the time.  They were still mad at him for leaving their mother.  He "abandoned" them.  They were adults when he left and he only stayed for them. 

As for how you are feeling right now, it's so hard.  I went to one on one counseling and that helped me more than anything.  I can't find a support group in our area but I did try a different online support group through Facebook.  That was no help at all and more about learning how to date after a spouse dies.  No one else is exactly where you are on this path and that can make it hard to relate.  That's why I found the counseling so helpful.  I could talk to someone on an individual basis about my husband, I could say anything I wanted without judgment and she helped me look at things in a different way.  Do I still miss him?  Yes, I will always long for my husband.  I will always love my husband and want him with me.  I will always feel cheated out of a life together.  But, she has helped me to understand that no matter how short, some people never experience that in their entire lives.  I would take 8 years with Randy over 50 years with anyone else.  I can honestly say that when he took his last breath, I don't think he would have wanted anyone holding his hand but me.  She helped me be grateful for all that.  Try to keep and open mind to your group.  Even if you don't connect with everyone, if you connect with one person, it will be worth it.  You might not want another love in your life but is sure sounds like you could use a friend, we all can. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

My husband passed away on 6-14-18.  I go through the motions every day.  I work a full time job and a part time job.  I try to be there for my kids and everyone else in my life as much as I can but honestly, I go through the day and it is an absolute effort to do everything.  I just feel heavy, sluggish and overwhelmed all of the time.  It feels like I'm hollow inside and a part of me is missing.  It's like I'm constantly searching for something to fulfill me, anything, but nothing works.  My house used to be spotless now, it's okay.  I don't even care.  He was my best friend, we did everything together.  We used to 4 wheel, ride snowmobile, ride motorcycle, do everything together.  I miss my husband.  I have been seeing a counselor since a couple months after he died but that seems to have run it's course too.  People talk about him less and less.  It feels like our life together has been forgotten.  Grief is treated like a time and a place but it's not.  I feel like this hole in my chest is always going to be there. 

I am so sorry for your loss...just because it's been over a year doesn't mean you don't feel it deeply each and every day.  I'm sorry you feel your counselor isn't helping, I've been studying grief for 14 years and there is always more to learn and understand, always more articles, more books, more perspectives.  Grief has no ending, but it does change with time and effort...my friend/counselor/mentor who has a grief website of her own says it's not time alone that helps us, but what we do with it.  I believe that to be true.  While it does TAKE time, the effort we put in helps us process our grief...always, as I said, books,articles, journaling, posting/reading on a grief website, grief counseling, grief support group (finding the right fit is key), I even did art therapy.  We can honor/memorialize them, that helps too.  Each person's journey is unique, just as their relationship was.  I, like you, was always with my husband, and the loss was felt keenly.  I was shocked!  He had just turned 51, I thought we'd grow old together, we'd bought the porch swing!

I wrote this article of what I'd found to be helpful, I hope something in it will be of help to you.  Taking one day at a time, learning to live in the present, looking for good in each day and embracing that little bit of good (and don't discount the small things!), it all helps you live in the here and now so you don't miss what IS by lamenting the past...we WILL lament the past of course, but it's also good to not miss what's good about today.  Today I have my sweet dog to enjoy (he's dying of cancer, so not much longer), I have grandchildren but they aren't nearby, but what darlings when I do get to see them!  Today I have friends to enjoy, even just a good cup of coffee...I'm not saying these things make up for our loss, nothing does, but they do add to today.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Mulelady said:

New here....helps to realize I'm not so alone.....until " it " happens to you...you have no real clue how devastating it will be.  We were together 24/7 ....worked, farmed, camped, trained equines, traveled ...but most of all...deeply understood and supported each other as no one else ever did.  I spent the last two years struggling to help him through all the treatments, pain, sadness ( losing first his beloved mules, then ability to shoot /reload and finally the love of his dream farm) and the growing fear of lost ability to breathe . He had Mesothelioma .  We actually built our home , two large barns and fencing all by ourselves. Our lives were so full together....but now I'm am so alone. We never had much of a social life...we were each other's social life.   It's just 3-1/2 months.  Unfortunately I was immediately hit with challenging legal, maintenance , family ( long distance ) issues.....which was overwhelming....and maybe delayed my daily crying now....in public...doesn't take much to trigger me. At first , like many, didn't want to live ...no point.  Still....not interested in things....give away what anyone will take...what's the point ?  I am so lonely ( live 12 miles out of town rurally ) so often stay as late as possible in town at a coffee shop.  

Tomorrow night will be my first grief group ....but have heard negative things because they have all losses in one group.  The only thing I still do ...is eat...and don't know why I bother. 

I am so sorry for your loss.  I remember three months, it was hard to function, I had to go back to work at 2 weeks, then, start of recession, my job ended and I feared losing my home.  Lost my job three times since he died, finally retired since I was facing age discrimination.  Somehow I've always made it, no matter what, alone with broken right elbow, alone with gallbladder surgery, alone with Melanoma, but somehow always came through.

I'm glad you found this place.  I hope your grief support group helps.  I started one here a few years ago, it's been very helpful to those who've come and we've all become friends...we "get" each other, having gone through similar experiences.  

I'm sorry you've had added to your plate the legal issues, family can be hard at a time like this, people don't seem at their best with grieving.  My mom left everything to my brother, apparently forgetting she had five daughters or should I say, they didn't count.  I'm proud of my sisters and myself for how we've handled it, no suing, no challenges, just recognizing my mom was a troubled person that lived with the effects of her childhood...we intend to let that die here...both my kids are in my will equally.  I guess all we can do with these bad experiences is take this with us as a learning tool, rise above, learn from.

I hope you'll continue to come here!  This is for you too!

 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

Mulelady - I am so sorry to hear this.  Our stories are very similar in that, I was left with very challenging financial issues as well.  He kept telling me he had 150,000 in life insurance for me to be able to have some time to make some decisions after his death (Renal Cell Carcinoma).  That turned out to be an Accidental Death Policy and didn't even cover the funeral.  Needless to say, I lost our beloved lake home and had to sell all of it's contents within 60 days of his dying.  4 years of searching for the perfect things to put in it only to have people barter with me for the item.  I was so not ready.  I was also left with a nice back taxes amount that I didn't know about which has taken me two jobs and a year to pay off.  Randy was many great things, but great with money wasn't one of them.  His daughter who hadn't been in her dads life for 8 years came back into the picture as he was dying in the hospital and caused all kids of chaos at the funeral.  His ex-wife, who he hated showed up at the funeral.  Her family showed up and her mother introduced herself to me as Randy's mother in law.  They had nothing to do with him in the past 8 years.  His son turned on me and felt that I shouldn't go up to our lake home and go through things without him.  Left me a nasty message about how f-ing tired of it he was.  Now this kid lived in Texas the last 6 years and saw us for a week once a year.  Let me also state that when he was first diagnosed with kidney cancer and had his kidney removed, they didn't come to the hospital, call or send a card.  They lived 20 miles from the hospital at the time.  They were still mad at him for leaving their mother.  He "abandoned" them.  They were adults when he left and he only stayed for them. 

As for how you are feeling right now, it's so hard.  I went to one on one counseling and that helped me more than anything.  I can't find a support group in our area but I did try a different online support group through Facebook.  That was no help at all and more about learning how to date after a spouse dies.  No one else is exactly where you are on this path and that can make it hard to relate.  That's why I found the counseling so helpful.  I could talk to someone on an individual basis about my husband, I could say anything I wanted without judgment and she helped me look at things in a different way.  Do I still miss him?  Yes, I will always long for my husband.  I will always love my husband and want him with me.  I will always feel cheated out of a life together.  But, she has helped me to understand that no matter how short, some people never experience that in their entire lives.  I would take 8 years with Randy over 50 years with anyone else.  I can honestly say that when he took his last breath, I don't think he would have wanted anyone holding his hand but me.  She helped me be grateful for all that.  Try to keep and open mind to your group.  Even if you don't connect with everyone, if you connect with one person, it will be worth it.  You might not want another love in your life but is sure sounds like you could use a friend, we all can. 

Oh Rhonda, I'm so sorry to hear this!  My husband left me in debt $72,000 with nothing to show for it.  I had to remortgage my home,which I had paid off when we married.  I don't regret a single day with him though, he was the love of my life, he was everything to me.
I love your outlook, yes gratefulness for all we've had together can really be helpful.

[foreverhis]

18 hours ago, Heart&Soul said:

  I lost my husband 9 months ago and I also feel that people don't talk about him anymore.  Not sure if they are doing this to not hurt me or what, but I miss him and I miss talking about him and bringing him up in conversations with family and friends.

They probably do think that talking about him will upset you.  It seems to be a common belief that we'll fall apart at the mention of their names, when the opposite is true,  It's far more painful to think that the people we know have swept our partners and their memories into the dustbin of life.  As if they not only didn't matter, but didn't exist at all. 

Would you feel comfortable telling at least those closest to you that it is not talking about your husband that is hurting you, that you miss talking about him, and that it's something you need to do?  Perhaps ask them how you or they can to talk about your life if such a huge part of it is left out.  It could help them to get that okay from you so they understand that it's healthier for you to talk about him, your life together, and your memories both happy and sad.  If you tell them that you need them to help you keep his memory alive, then they might feel comfortable opening up with you.

I really do understand your frustration with this.  I had to kick a few people out of my life because of that.  Not close friends because we only have a small circle of those, but casual ones.  After only about 2 months, those people started not just not talking about my husband, but acting as if he'd never existed at all.  It was as if they could only be comfortable pretending that 35 years (well, nearly 37 years if you count from the day we met) of my life were nothing.  So out they went.  They had made me so angry, filled with rage really, which is neither helpful nor healthy.  Our society is bad enough at dealing with the uncomfortable facts about loss and grief.  I didn't need anyone in my life making it worse.

Please, I urge you to speak up and tell them what you need.  It may be beneficial for all of you.

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

But, she has helped me to understand that no matter how short, some people never experience that in their entire lives.

I think that's what brings all of us here.  We were lucky enough to find that one person, that one love.  But that true, deep, and binding love is what makes the loss that much harder.  Even those who have that kind of love cannot fully grasp how it feels to lose it or what our lives are like now.

I'm so glad that therapy helped you.

[Mulelady]

10 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

Mulelady - I am so sorry to hear this.  Our stories are very similar in that, I was left with very challenging financial issues as well.  He kept telling me he had 150,000 in life insurance for me to be able to have some time to make some decisions after his death (Renal Cell Carcinoma).  That turned out to be an Accidental Death Policy and didn't even cover the funeral.  Needless to say, I lost our beloved lake home and had to sell all of it's contents within 60 days of his dying.  4 years of searching for the perfect things to put in it only to have people barter with me for the item.  I was so not ready.  I was also left with a nice back taxes amount that I didn't know about which has taken me two jobs and a year to pay off.  Randy was many great things, but great with money wasn't one of them.  His daughter who hadn't been in her dads life for 8 years came back into the picture as he was dying in the hospital and caused all kids of chaos at the funeral.  His ex-wife, who he hated showed up at the funeral.  Her family showed up and her mother introduced herself to me as Randy's mother in law.  They had nothing to do with him in the past 8 years.  His son turned on me and felt that I shouldn't go up to our lake home and go through things without him.  Left me a nasty message about how f-ing tired of it he was.  Now this kid lived in Texas the last 6 years and saw us for a week once a year.  Let me also state that when he was first diagnosed with kidney cancer and had his kidney removed, they didn't come to the hospital, call or send a card.  They lived 20 miles from the hospital at the time.  They were still mad at him for leaving their mother.  He "abandoned" them.  They were adults when he left and he only stayed for them. 

As for how you are feeling right now, it's so hard.  I went to one on one counseling and that helped me more than anything.  I can't find a support group in our area but I did try a different online support group through Facebook.  That was no help at all and more about learning how to date after a spouse dies.  No one else is exactly where you are on this path and that can make it hard to relate.  That's why I found the counseling so helpful.  I could talk to someone on an individual basis about my husband, I could say anything I wanted without judgment and she helped me look at things in a different way.  Do I still miss him?  Yes, I will always long for my husband.  I will always love my husband and want him with me.  I will always feel cheated out of a life together.  But, she has helped me to understand that no matter how short, some people never experience that in their entire lives.  I would take 8 years with Randy over 50 years with anyone else.  I can honestly say that when he took his last breath, I don't think he would have wanted anyone holding his hand but me.  She helped me be grateful for all that.  Try to keep and open mind to your group.  Even if you don't connect with everyone, if you connect with one person, it will be worth it.  You might not want another love in your life but is sure sounds like you could use a friend, we all can. 

 

[Mulelady]

Rhonda: thank your for your response.....I'm leaning towards a private counselor ...and you made good points of it's value.  Someone gave me a lead...will likely try it once I get past some more legal hangups.  Funny you should mention the x-children.  We hadn't heard from his 52 year old daughter in 24 years....forgot all about her....when while researching selling his Dive Hat ....called his second wife who I thought may be able to help me....when she announces she has spoken to the daughter and MUST tell her ....within seconds asks about the Will .  I've been waiting for a lawyer letter ....so far...so good.   The buyer for the farm's Mortgage Co. found a Lien on the farm and the bank in question is gone....no papers....and my file noted there was no lien...but no one will touch it...more fun.  I think I will eventually get past some of the mechanical/legal stuff....but living without him....too hard to imagine....he was my everything. 

[KayC]

Mulelady,

Wish you the best with all the legal wranglings.  I'm an advocate for professional grief counselors but not all are the same so don't be afraid to switch if you're not feeling it by the third visit, okay?  I got a horrible one at first, he should have stuck to drug and alcohol addictions, he knew nothing about grief.  They should have a degree in Thanatology or at least some personal experience with grief.  https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html  Let us know how it goes!

.  

[Rhonda R]

I had to go back to my therapist because I was feeling angry, on edge, and like I was going to blow up from the inside out.  So much going on in every aspect of my life.  My youngest is leaving for college and her dad is no help and she defends him all the time.  My oldest still calls me with each and every problem she has.  My sister calls me to talk about nonsense that I don't even care about.  My 1st job is turning into a joke and my second job is getting stressful.  I'm now dealing with the US Tax Court to try to get our taxes from 2017 resolved.  We were married two days in 2017 but that doesn't matter, I'm still responsible.  Dealing with insurance companies and medical bills.  His son is back in town and wants to meet for dinner.  It seems like everyone has forgotten that I am still trying to figure out my own life.  I love Randy but I'm angry with him about putting me in this situation.  On top of that, he left me with two cats that are so needy, I can never just sit down and not have them all over me. 

I got to vent about all of that.  She gave me some good feedback so hopefully in a few days I will be feeling a little more in control.  Overwhelmed to say the least. 

[Mulelady]

Wow Rhonda....you are having a master load of drama and stress....I hope things have improved for you by today.  I'm glad you had a counselor . I finally tried to call one a few days ago recommended by a friend....but learned she doesn't take my insurance and we hung up.  They called back a day later with a different one that would after deductable....but by then I was feeling better and wondered if I should wait a few more weeks and give my new group option a chance to help ? Weird.....at last nights meeting I decide to reach out to the one lady I had met...said how lonely she was ....so asked if she'd like to meet at a local ice cream place  after .  She's had a stroke and must eat at home through a tube....so it would be a social visit for her ....and I mentioned I understood...and verified she was still game ? Said yes.  I drove to the place and waited ...assumed she'd arrive soon...ordered my coffee ...and finished with no sight of her ?? I began to worry she was in an accident ...or lost...and had no # to call.  Finally I decide I should go home....when she pulls in....and simply announces she had gone to Walmart ??!!  What ?  Don't think I'll be trying that again....apparently I am lacking in social skills ! 

[Rhonda R]

Mulelady - Oh my, I don't think you are the one lacking in social skills.  Who does that when someone is waiting for them?  I'm so glad you reached out to someone.  Although this one didn't work out, I hope you don't write off everyone in your group.  I understand you will most likely be a little more cautious if/when you make plans again. 

I am doing better.  Just being able to vent to someone who gets it, can stay on topic and give me great feed back is so helpful.  She is literally there for me.  I know I'm paying her to be but really, I think that's the only way I can get that type of direct attention and to be honest, most people don't know what to say so they belittle your feelings (without knowing they are doing it) and they want to move off the topic quickly.  They really can't give me helpful feedback. 

I sat my daughters down and we had a very adult conversation about the whole situation and that although I want to help them with their problems and support them in all they do, I'm not the same person I was 14 months ago.  We discussed my ex-husband and his responsibility with regard to them and they seemed to get it. 

The tax stuff, I'm moving forward and I just need to take a deep breath and keep moving forward one step at a time. The therapist said that even though he's gone, I still get to be upset with him about it and I need to tell him so, so I did that. 

We met his son last night for supper and it was nice.  That relationship has a lot of repairing to do after the way I was treated at his funeral and after by his kids.  I know it is what Randy would want so I'm going to make the effort.  As my therapist told me, he's not a child.  Be cautious and you don't need to put forward anymore effort than he does.  Okay, did that. 

My sister is who she is, I'm not going to change that.  Let her know when she has upset you and why.  On my to do list. 

My job is quite stressful.  That isn't going to change.  It's just getting worse because like the rest of the world, the inmate population is changing and isn't what it was 30 years ago.  My second job I'm going to cut back on a bit to give myself some time to find something enjoyable in life.  I'm not sure what that is yet but, I'm ready to find something other than work to occupy my time. 

It's good to hear from you and I'm glad you are attending those meetings!  Keep going. 

[Mulelady]

Rhonda, altho I have a few friends.....they won't be able to tolerate this burden for ever...a boring drain on them I'm sure.  Going from 24/7 perfect working/living connection with my husband is a dramatic barren hole.  A side detail......we are both from out of state...limited to no family.Our business and location limited our friend circle. Both of us divorced and negative family history.  My one son didn't speak to me 20 years and the other currently on 14 years.  Never met my grand children.  My immediate family ....parents passed....father left legacy of dysfunction and emotional abuse...and my brothers completely severed relationship after complicated estate drama. With Winston here....our busy challenging life and his complete understanding and consoling me all these years.....it was wonderful.  

It doesn't help that I create things to beat myself up over ....guilt of not doing enough....or what I did do ( no , not really founded ) during his 2 year illness.  My one son returned a few years ago.....which I am so grateful for....but it's very limited due to their business / social life and a slow growing relationship .....so want to be careful I don't damage the progress with too many requests.  He doesn't have children like the other....so nothing there to work with.  

The farm buyers are talking about closing soon.....but the prospects of me getting closer to town before Winter don't seem possible.  Hopefully I will adjust to the isolation as time goes on.  I am working on a few ideas.....but hard to find the motivation ....especially when we had such a deep , comfortable , supportive relationship.  The sadness is overwhelming.  Everything I read agrees it will go on forever......it's hard to go on with that thought. 

[KayC]

Mulelady, it is not YOU that is lacking in social skills!  I'd be so done with her, no excuse!

Rhonda, you have so much you are dealing with, I pray it's soon resolved.  It seems we have the most to handle when we are least able to!

[Rhonda R]

Mulelady - When we say you will miss your husband forever, it does not necessarily mean that you will be as sad and you currently are forever.  Grief, like life, for most of us evolves over time.  At first the edges are so razor sharp, it's paralyzing.  As time and our responsibilities return, the edges start to dull a little and we have to take that first step and start doing what needs to be done.  By doing that, you move forward....maybe kicking and screaming the whole way, but you do.  I'm not going to lie and say there aren't really bad days along the way, but they are farther apart now. 

I agree, friends can become overwhelmed by our grief.  That's why for me, a therapist is the best money I've spent since Randy's passing.  I have a standing appointment every two weeks.  It's one hour every two weeks that I get to focus on my grief with someone who gets it.  I make an effort to go to some of the stuff his family invites me to.  I make an effort to go to lunch or dinner with my friends because I don't want them to stop calling.  They ask me how I'm doing but I don't go too in depth with them anymore because although they care, they just can't grasp it. 

Please, don't adjust to the isolation.  Volunteer somewhere, maybe reading to the kids at school?  Something that will bring you joy.  Finding joy in your life isn't betraying your husband or your grief.  I too beat myself up over Randy's illness and did I do enough.  You took care of him and gave him unconditional love.  When he was with you, you spent your days and nights happily working side by side.  You made his life better.  Isn't that what we all hope for in this life?  Don't hold yourself to the medical piece of it.  There are doctors way smarter than all of us.  If they can't figure it out, how are we supposed to?  You do the best you can with the information you have at the time.  The patient also gets to make the decisions, with our love and support. 

I hope you find something for yourself that brings you joy.  You deserve it. 

 

[KayC]

I agree with what Rhonda has said...it's similar to my article...this won't stay at this intensity and we naturally evolve even as our grief does, but it is gradual and takes much time.  When you are ready, push out of your comfort zone just a bit.  Going to church alone, eating out alone, those were out of my comfort zone but I pushed through and now am comfortable doing that.  Also volunteering and getting out around people.  Being too isolated isn't healthy for us.  I know most don't get what we're going through, but it helps to have those who do...sometimes a grief support group can introduce you to others who do get it.  If one group doesn't feel right, try another.  I've gotten to know so many widows through my grief support group, sometimes we go to lunch, get out together, it helps.  Sometimes words aren't even necessary, just knowing the other does understand, they've been there.

[Mulelady]

Rhonda & Kay.....you both are such wise counselors....can you come for a visit every two weeks !? I have two invitations this week to look forward too.....always wondering when will they all grow tired of me ?  I think it would be wise to follow through on trying a paid counselor.....as there are a few thoughts bothering me I don't want to share with friends or group ....feeling it won't make sense to them.  Since the farm hasn't sold yet....I go by every day...feed the cat....tell him " daddy " won't be coming back....sit on the porch ...and "talk with Winston "....and mostly cry.  Sometimes I think it may be helping a little bit ....try to solve my concerns and get his forgiveness for my perceived failings ? This is just so sad.........

[Rhonda R]

I know what you are feeling.  After Randy passed, I called his doctor at Mayo sobbing and asking if I had done enough.  He told me not to ever question that.  I gave him true unconditional love and what more can anyone ask for in this lifetime?  He explained to me that he had years and years of just focusing on kidney cancer, along with many many other doctors and they still hadn't figured it out, why was I supposed to?  My therapist asked me what I would say to a friend if they felt responsible the way I did?  When I thought of it that way, it seemed ridiculous.  I would never hold a friend to that standard or expect them to know what to do.  I would tell a friend that's not your part of his treatment.  That's up to the doctor to tell you what to do and the patient has to agree.  Your job is then to support them and care for them, no matter what their decision.  All along the way, Randy asked me to respect his decisions and support him, even if at some point he decided enough was enough.  I did that and I'm sure you did too.  If it hadn't been for my therapist, I would have never thought of it in that context and it helped me wrap my brain around it and stop beating myself up. 

[KayC]

This morning I am having a hard time even breathing...I keep holding my breath...then have to remember to let it out.  This home is a shadow without him in it.  I don't know how to eat without giving him the last bite.  The cat is ill replacement, she's just not Arlie.  

I had no part in creating him, this wonderful funny loving beautiful creature!  God took him home...I thought this was his home...this place with his bed, his bones, this place he shared with me, but I guess his home is in heaven, he was just loaned to me.  I hoped it'd be forever, any thoughts of losing him someday and I'd push them away...now I'm left to face them starkly and cannot push them away.  i wallow in them, they are the pains of grief, of tremendous loss!  The knowing he was the most wonderful dog anyone could have and he shared his life with me!  

I've lost weight.  Food is tasteless.  I put it in my mouth and try to swallow, but it's lost it's allure.  Walks are no longer an experience to share, they have lost their luster, they are just something to do, something the doctor says I must.  How do you wake up each day knowing it will be filled with pain!  The agony of sorrow!  It is my companion, sleep is a relief! A brief respite before facing this pain again.

Why must love carry such anguish!  Am I doomed to lose everyone dear to me, everyone I love?!  Why do others get to have more years than I?  Am I not worthy to have and hold one I love, one more day, one more year?!

[Brian_L]

Rhonda,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I know people say those words often and they seem to lose meaning after you hear it so much, but know that I truly mean it. Your words hit home for me. Sounds very similar to how I have been feeling.
 

[Rhonda R]

Kay - I'm sorry about the loss of your beloved companion.  My sister just lost her dog of 17 years and we all loved him.  I think when you are alone it is magnified.  He was your buddy, he kept you company and brought you joy.  I'm sure these feelings of grief dig up some pretty raw feelings from the past.  You are not doomed.  Grief is often the price of love.  You have had a couple great loves in your life.  Remember to breathe and take each moment at a time. 

[Billie Rae]

Kayc,When I asked or said I felt like a curse to all who love me you would not let me accept that.
You are not doomed,my love.
I know it hurts to lose love over and over
But you are blessed to have loved so well,and oneday may find another,be it human,dog,horse or bird that needs your particular sweet love.
Is love you

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

Am I not worthy to have and hold one I love, one more day, one more year?

You are worthy.  It is life that is not fair, though I pray the universe is ultimately just.

I know you are worthy because I read the caring, loving, compassionate things you write here.  You are worthy because George and Arlie chose you to be their soul mates every bit as much as you chose them.

I wish we could ease your unrelenting pain, but only time might help with that.  But Kay, you know you must eat.  If necessary, make the smoothie recipe you posted for Joy.  You must practice the self care you know is necessary.

Hugs and love from down here on the coast.

[KayC]

Funny you should say that, I just made a Kale smoothie.  And I have been eating, just don't feel like it.

I know what you both say is true.  This morning I had a memory of pulling Arlie out of his doghouse to get him to come eat. i regret that and pray he forgives me.  My sweet poor baby boy!  I was so focused on getting him to eat, I wish I'd been more accepting of how horribly bad he felt.  Maybe I should have let him quit eating and had him euthanized sooner.  God it's such a hard call.

[JoyR]

Stop punishing yourself !! You gave him the best years of his life and vice versa. He loves you. Think of him in heaven with your husband. Watching of you both of them. You are a strong soul Kay. Everything that God planned for you is showing in you now. Your husband and Arlie helped you and walked with you through your journey and because of these events look at the person you've become because of it. Not only have you been helping others grieve their losses but you know how to help loss of pets as well. Arlie was strong for you in your times of need. Be strong now. 

You know I was thinking to myself the other day that I need to be grateful instead of sad. Because I've experienced unconditional love by my bf and furrbaby so I know what it feels like . I know how to give it in return as well. Some people never had a pet and will never know the love they give. We are special .You are special. Our beloved ones are special souls. You will be with them both again. To us it seems long but it won't be long dear . I know you miss him sooooo much.  Everything is a reminder and you are grieving All over again. 

Eat,drink something Kay. Please

[foreverhis]

On 8/21/2019 at 9:22 AM, KayC said:

i regret that and pray he forgives me.  My sweet poor baby boy!  I was so focused on getting him to eat, I wish I'd been more accepting of how horribly bad he felt.

It's different, of course, but I have some of the same guilt and regrets about my husband's last weeks.  I was so focused on helping him "get better" enough for the next treatment, so tired and stressed, and so damn scared that there were times I pushed him probably too hard to eat the special diet the doctors had put him on and to do his physical therapy,  I knew how difficult and painful it was becoming, but I could not bring myself to just let him be.  We should probably have put him on comfort care at least 10 days before we did. 

I know (or at least suspect) he lied to me, probably to spare me, when one morning his night nurse told me he had said he was "ready."  I asked, "Honey, did you say that?" and he replied, "Why would I do that?"  Now, maybe he simply didn't remember because he was not sleeping well and was in pain, but it was only 2 days later that we finally agreed on comfort care and hospice. 

Part of what did it for me was that I was spending most nights at the hospital sleeping in an infusion recliner next to him.  I'd wake up and he was always awake too.  One night I was trying to soothe him and asked, "Love, are you not sleeping because you're afraid you won't wake up?"  He said he was.  He was in pain, a bit confused, and terrified of leaving me and our girls and family.  In fact, the night he said he was "ready" was the night after our girls went home from their visit (they live in Seattle).  I'm certain he was hanging on for that.

The plain truth is that no matter what decisions we make and no matter when we make them, we are the ones left here asking ourselves over and over whether we did "the right thing."  I'm wrestling with that even now and am trying to make myself believe that of course I (and my love) did the right things because every decision was made out of love, even ones that I know now were a bit selfish on my part.  Finding it impossible to let go of my soul mate here on earth was not a mistake because I am in imperfect human being who loves him more than life itself.

Kay, you gave Arlie amazing care, comfort, and love.  When you could see that he was starting to suffer, you did the hardest thing imaginable.  You put his needs over your own emotional pain and anguish.  What could be more "right" or more loving than that?

[KayC]

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I'm wrestling with that even now and am trying to make myself believe that of course I (and my love) did the right things because every decision was made out of love

And that has to be enough.  Oh how I pray i can absorb those words, that I can let it be enough!  You understand!  If Arlie could speak he would likely voice what your husband did.  I knew there was no "getting better" for him!  Cancer destroys and it was beyond help when we discovered it!  His vet said he couldn't undergo surgery, there was only "making him comfortable"...as comfortable as one can be when their body is ravaged and not working and in pain.  If Arlie could speak he would tell me he was grateful, that he loved me, that he was sorry he'd have to leave me.  He would tell me he wished we had more years together.  But then he had to look towards the light, towards what was next for him.  I will join him, when my time comes, oh how I long for that day!

Even as I miss him, as it feels unbearable I should live without him...I picture him laying on the couch, smiling, even though his body wasn't working, other times looking sad as he lay in pain, very uncomfortable, I cannot know what that felt like for him, I have not had my organs not working, I do not know that discomfort, yet he endured it, so much he endured for me!  What a journey we had!  This beautiful sweet dog and me!  So many memories...these are the treasures of our life together.  It's hard to believe it's drawn to a close, that all I have left are memories.  It came and went so fast!  It felt like just yesterday I was adopting him!  

How is it that we have to live without them when they were everything to us?  I've been through this before!  I hate it!  Nothing about this is fair!  My little sister having a baby born without a brain and two years later she is gone, all that is left are my sister's tears and memories...my losing my husband, having to say goodbye in the prime of life!  And now my beautiful sweet companion.  Is this all there is, too swift love that comes and leaves us before we're ready!

[Rhonda R]

Well, I dropped my daughter (my youngest) off at college yesterday...now what?  I cried the 2.5 hours home.  Not just about leaving her, about everything.  Once the water works started, they literally wouldn't stop. 

 

[KayC]

I'm sorry, Rhonda.  I felt the same way when my son went into the Air Force.  The youngest is the hardest, empty nest.  Hopefully you'll get to see her holidays, etc. (((hugs)))

[Rhonda R]

On ‎8‎/‎23‎/‎2019 at 8:58 AM, KayC said:

Is this all there is, too swift love that comes and leaves us before we're ready!

This, this is why I cried 2.5 hours home.  I'm trying so damn hard to be grateful for what Randy and I had but I miss him and it so much.  Just when I think I'm doing good, bam!  Grief knocks my feet right out from under me. 

[KayC]

I hope my words didn't make you cry.  I've done my fair share of that lately.  We all have something to cry about.

[Mulelady]

2 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

This, this is why I cried 2.5 hours home.  I'm trying so damn hard to be grateful for what Randy and I had but I miss him and it so much.  Just when I think I'm doing good, bam!  Grief knocks my feet right out from under me. 

Rhonda....this resonated with me today....keep trying to focus on what we had ...instead of how lonely and sad I am now.  It's true...when I read some things/blogs  , email distant friends or update my journal.....I'm soon crying .  Heck....anything can bring me down....driving past my unkempt fields, clutter I can't seem to attack. Non grief stricken people are full of good suggestions.....read a novel...volunteer....they don't understand how hard that is.  This past week was painful....sold Winstons farm Friday ...met with Lawyer for new Will/ Trust this morning....and accountant this afternoon to begin Probate.  Normally I've been organized doing our yearly taxes....but today...felt like a mess. Couldn't locate what he wanted....I just want to set a match to it all.  

I really don't know if it would be a good idea ....but I had hoped I could move closer to town before Winter....too lonely here and more maintenance than I can manage alone. The option I was hoping for has fallen through....appears I will have to settle down for the Winter.  

[foreverhis]

On 8/23/2019 at 6:58 AM, KayC said:

Is this all there is, too swift love that comes and leaves us before we're ready!

I think that's something almost all of us struggle with understanding.  It's clear we're not going to get an answer now, if ever. 

But what I do know is that we are braver than many because we took the risk of loving deeply, even knowing in the back of our minds what the ultimate price would be.  Though I don't think any of us could truly imagine the depth of pain such loss would bring.  I know that finding this kind of love doesn't happen for everyone.  They may not ever feel the way we do now, but that means they never felt like we did before either.

Even knowing how I'd feel and live now, I would still jump in heart first and take that risk.  If I had a "do over," I'd do better, be more loving, more understanding, kinder, and just more of the things that made him and us happy because he was worth everything.

[KayC]

Mulelady,

We'll all band together and say a prayer for each other this winter, Lord knows I'm hoping not to have a repeat of last winter's storm!  It was the worst of my life.

8 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I think that's something almost all of us struggle with understanding.  It's clear we're not going to get an answer now, if ever. 

But what I do know is that we are braver than many because we took the risk of loving deeply, even knowing in the back of our minds what the ultimate price would be.  Though I don't think any of us could truly imagine the depth of pain such loss would bring.  I know that finding this kind of love doesn't happen for everyone.  They may not ever feel the way we do now, but that means they never felt like we did before either.

Even knowing how I'd feel and live now, I would still jump in heart first and take that risk.  If I had a "do over," I'd do better, be more loving, more understanding, kinder, and just more of the things that made him and us happy because he was worth everything.

Oh, amen to all of that!

[Rhonda R]

foreverhis:  Exactly.  I would do it all over again...only better. 

[Mulelady]

Ah yes foreverhis.....I feel your words too.  Altho I know our whole time together was wonderful in every way....now....I wish I could have another chance to be even more to him....he so deserved more life and less pain.

[Gail 8588]

On 8/1/2019 at 12:38 PM, KayC said:

 

looking for good in each day and embracing that little bit of good (and don't discount the small things!).

KayC,

Thank you so much for sharing the wisdom you have gained from this awful journey we are each on.  Different tips speak to people at different points on the journey.  Your suggestion to actively look for some good each day, speaks to me strongly right now, 2 1/2 years on this road.  I feel I have been a zombie for so long, I have not really tried to see good.  I am going to try now. Perhaps making this effort will bring me back to a feeling of connection to life. Anyway, thanks so much for trying to show us a path forward.

Peace, 

Gail

[KayC]

I wish you well with it, Gail.  It does take concerted effort.  I know some people feel they can't.  I was 11 days out when I believe God showed me that refrigerator magnet that spoke to me.

[foreverhis]

On 8/30/2019 at 11:33 AM, Mulelady said:

he so deserved more life and less pain.

Yes, he did.  My husband did too.  All our soul mates deserved more time and so did we.  I think about that almost every day. 

My love had beaten early 2nd stage prostate cancer 14 years earlier.  At first, I couldn't imagine that we wouldn't beat this cancer too.  When it became clear he wasn't going to get well, when the bladder cancer infections started to affect everything, when the doctor told me it had started to spread (even though the chemo seemed to have been successful), I was so angry with myself, with the doctors, and well, with everyone and everything.  "When bad things happen to good people" doesn't even begin to address the unfairness and unjustness of it.

[Heart&Soul]

9 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

All our soul mates deserved more time and so did we.  I think about that almost every day. 

This is so true - I feel so cheated that we did not have the time we wanted together.  My husband passed away from cancer within 3 months of being diagnosed.  I miss him every day.  I feel like I am stuck and can't move forward - the future is too painful to imagine so I live in the now.  Hugs to all of you.

[foreverhis]

33 minutes ago, Heart&Soul said:

I feel like I am stuck and can't move forward - the future is too painful to imagine so I live in the now. 

I've been thinking lately that I feel as if I'm living in a bubble with everyone's lives flowing on by, while I float in place.  Each day I think, "I will do X, Y, and Z today."  I'm lucky if I even get through X because I just can't seem to care about it.

I agree about living in the present because looking to far down the dark, lonely road scares the...well, you know...out of me.  It's so upsetting to contemplate the future without him that I simply try not to do it.  The flat truth is that I no longer want to live another 20 or 30 years because he's not here to live most of them with me.  Even though we understood it was likely that he would die first because he was 10 years older than I, it wasn't supposed to be now.  And there's simply no way any of us could fully grasp just how deep and lasting the pain would be.

[Heart&Soul]

16 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

The flat truth is that I no longer want to live another 20 or 30 years because he's not here to live most of them with me. 

Exactly.

 

[Mulelady]

Foreverhis :  me too....I was not nearly ready to get off our fabulous love/life train.  I try to be grateful for all the time we had....and I'm sure I never would have been ready to let it go....but I had imagined we'd naturally slow down a little bit and recognize he was getting older ?  I also wish his 2 year illness wasn't so painful & frightening....maybe a few breaks to allow adjustment and a taste of joy ? Bottom line....nothing would have been OK....we wanted our life to continue for eternity . ....and when it had to be over....be over together .  Right now I am barely exhisting.  I accomplish nothing but getting the mail and eating .  I have zero drive . So not me....when it was an us...life was so full...fun...exciting...interesting. This is a sad way to live.

[KayC]

I feel the same way, foreverhis, I hope and pray I don't live a long life, people wouldn't understand that but they don't know what it's like to lose your soulmate and grow old ALONE, it's harder than they could understand.

I, too, live in the "now."