father My dad's death from last year still haunts me

[BardiX]

August 28th 2018. I'll never forget that depressing day. It started off as a torturous painful day at my Grandma's house which we have been in for the last 2 months. I was home alone for a few minutes, I got an urgent call from my sister that she got my Uncle's driver to pick me up and we needed to visit my dad at the hospital, who was hospitalized since May 10th of that dreaded year, I thought maybe he needed to tell me something. Boy was I wrong as hell, as I went to the 25th wing, where my dad was in, it's designated mostly for cancer patients, the security guard has 2 cards for each room, only 2 people may visit at the same time, he just let me in without a card, I just walked in normally, but to my shock, most of my relatives were there, I was having a bit of a Panic Attack, my mom told me that today could be the last day for my dad, I was scared and shook nasty but I wasn't tearing up, my dad was in a coma, wearing an oxygen mask, I was worried, so for the most part I was going to the lounge then going back to his hospital room

 

Aside from moving back and forth, I kept telling him of the times where he helped me and the good memories we had, I went to the lounge to pray *we're muslims by the way* so I went back to his room, here's where I finally broke down and cried loud, something I never done for a very long time, I said "Dad, when you're in heaven, say hello to grandpa and my aunt" then I cried loud. I went to the lounge, where my sister and aunt began calming me down, a few minutes pass by. Then here comes the sad part, my mom came running to us and told us that dad's dead. I never felt so mentally and emotionally hurt in my life. I wanted to go back but he was being stripped of needles, an IV drip and those kind of things, the doctors put him in a white body bag, I finally came in to see him for the last time, I kissed on on the forehead and held onto him, my Idol, my hero, the man who protected me from bullies and bad people, It felt like a vivid nightmare, I never heard my Uncle cry before, today was the first time, they were clearing the room of his items and such things, my mom was far too shocked to walk, so she was taken in a wheel chair, I was holding 2 bags with his belongings, my eyes felt dry and weak, my face felt very heavy, I felt very exhausted and fatigued, I was walking through the long hallway outside of the 25th wing, hearing my mom crying in the distance, we went back to our grandma's house *which was connected to my other Uncle's house* this is where my heart was broken again, my little sister who was 7 at the time, she cried like she's been hit, I talked to my BFFL *Best Friend For Life* from Australia about it, but I stopped talking shortly after and I just went to sleep.

 

Fast forward to 11 months, this story feels like it has happened recently, I sometimes dream of my dad, usually dreams where my dad is back from the dead and we celebrate him coming back, these dreams haunt me to this day, It stings badly whenever I realize that he's gone forever and that I will never really see or hear him again. Rest in Peace dad, thanks for all the good times, thanks for all the jokes and lessons you gave me, thanks for all the toys and games you gave me, thank you for making me laugh when times were bad. We all hope to see you soon somewhere in heaven with angels and our other dead relatives.

[SoloAtatürk]

Hi BardiX

I am sorry for the loss of your precious dad.

May he rest in peace.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

I completely empathize with you. My thoughts are with you. It’s been a year and two weeks since I held onto my mom in the 8th wing of the hospital where she died. I walked out with several bags of her things in clear plastic too. The drive home so raw. The trauma has come back with full force. She was an amazing mother and loved me like no one else ever will. How could they...she was my world and I was hers. I know how blessed I have been to have had her, that love, support and connection. I would have held onto her forever if they’d have let me. I never thought I could survive after and here I am. Forever changed trying to anchor myself and live in gratitude for the time we had. Wishing it would have been different for her and my family. It hurts so much to experience what we and others on here have. Love to you and everyone here hurting. Hoping for peace in out hearts.