Sudden death of my partner and the father of 2

[LiliSan]

4 weeks ago my world was teared apart, my happy life stopped its existence, my partner of 9 years died of a heart attack. We have 3 year old boy and a baby girl who was born this April and were supposed to spend July together as a family and then take a trip outside of the country in August. I talked to him a few hours before his death and everything seemed fine, no concerns or sings of trouble...I still don't understand how and why it happened. He was my world, my best friend, my love and the father of my kids and then one day he just disappeared. Never in my life I would think that the death will come so soon ( he was only 40 years old). Nothing makes sense now, I am feeling lost, confused and uncertain about the future. Sometimes I refuse to believe in what happened and think that he will come home, other time i realize that I will never hear his voice, see him, hold his hand, my kids will not have a wonderful father, and that pain is very overwhelming and unbearable. How to cope with it?

[KayC]

@LiliSan

I'm so sorry, I know this is the hardest thing in the world, 40 is way too young, my husband & I didn't meet until our mid-40s, he died 6 1/2 years later right after his 51st birthday.  If he'd died at 40 we never would have met, I'd have never known love so pure, so true.  It does seem life is unfair.

You may or may not have seen this article I wrote for newer grievers, of the things that I've found helpful, but I want you to have it, hoping something in it will help you now, something else perhaps later on as our grief journey is ever evolving.  Take whatever helps you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Elisecrumley]

I am sorry for your loss. It's very hard to cope up from such situation, especially when you don't have any shoulder to cry on.I can feel your pain, as my grandma has been through a similar type of pain 2 Years ago. At that type she was so lonely, as my father and whole family, went to out of the country due to business, so she was the only one living here with grandfather. And the sudden death of grandfather left her in depression for long 1 year. My dad decided to take her with us, at our home, but she was not ready to leave the house where she lived for more than 35 years. So, one of our relative suggested my dad to let the eldercare lawyers be with her, as they care for every little thing for the elderly parents at home. Now, We are very glad to say, the lawyers worked so well, and granny is feeling much better now.

[Roya S]

I am really sorry for your loss. I lost my husband about 3 months ago suddenly too.

i did not expect it at all. I do not have kids from him but I wish I had so I could focus on them.  I might not understand your situation 100 percent since my husband was 70 but I do understand you at least 80 percent.

i juiced a support group and I found someone to work on grief recovery.

it is very hard but at least for the sake of your kids you need to help yourself by meditation, getting Counselling, talking to friends.

[Sandra K]

I happen on this site as I was looking for grief forums and was drawn in by the post LiliSan and Kayc . I am in so much grieve right now i feel at times I cant breathe . I just lost my husband 74 suddenly of a massive heart attack on Monday Aug 26 and I do not know how I am going to cope . He was my life, my love , my partner my everything we have been married 50 years going to be 51 in a few weeks. We had so many plans of things we were going to do projects around the house and he was just taken away from me in a matter of hours. I am struggling so hard to understand and accept this ..I have been angry at God then I felt ashamed as i know God is in control of everything and he took him for a reason and its not for me to understand but damn it I want to understand I want to know why now. This grieve is so horrible i almost cant take it.....Yes I thought maybe I should just be with him ..and no I would not do suicide but somehow I would be there with him maybe it would be easier if i just went the way h did....But I have 5 wonderful adult children with 6 wonderful grandchildren  ..we are a super close family and spent many times together as a family.. my youngest grandchildren 8,9 were basically raised part time by grandpa as their moms went back to work...those 2 little guys literally adore their grandpa and are having a very hadr time.    I just don't how I am going to survive the days ahead in a big rambling house all by myself with every room with his presence. I smell his clothing for his scent i carry his jewelry around for his scent . Right now I am surrounded by lots of family no one leaves me alone if someone has to leave this is so comforting but it will not be forever...their lives have to go on ..work school.....I am scared how I am going to on in the days ahead without my soulmate to talk to me to spoil me with little extra things he did every day. we had such a routine everyday was basically the same ..it was comfortable ..how do I deal with this  how do i deal being alone day and night ...I couldn't sleep in my bed Monday ,  Tuesday night, I did Wednesday sleep in the bed  but my daughter slept on the bed with me we slept on the top of the covers and she couldn't sleep at the head of the bed on his pillow...how am I ever going to sleep in my bed again...I am having a hard time looking at his vehicle....I cant stop my thoughts I see him everywhere, I hear him and his sayings, I want to be numb and I cant.......memories keep flooding me .... How do i cope ....Please tell me how to cope ..I have cried so many tears I would think there were no more. He always thought he was going to live a long life I honestly think he thought I would precede him in death.... if he had died in his 80's I feel i would have accepted it better but now no...I continually ask myself did I miss something..he did have a heart history but had been doing ok  and that day he was normal in the morning i took the grandkids to the park for a few hours came home and then about 45 mins later he complained of elbow pain we went to the hospital and from there it was downhill all the way i am questioning did the hospital do everything they could and i know they did it was just so massive and he had to be transferred an hour away for a cath. the time frame was to long...I am so angry, so heartbroken , so scared, confused , lost and just dont know how to move forward. I am drowning in my grieve. ;,,,,(

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Sandra K said:

I have been angry at God then I felt ashamed as i know God is in control of everything and he took him for a reason and its not for me to understand but damn it I want to understand I want to know why now.

Oh Hon, I am so sorry!  It is okay to feel angry, God has broad enough shoulders to take it!  Trust me, He understands.  Anger is part of our grief, so nothing to feel ashamed of; our feelings are just that, feelings, to contend with, get through, they are valid, each and every one of them, even when seemingly in conflict with each other.  This grief is multiofaceted, and so are our feelings.  God has a plan but the Bible says Satan is in temporary control, God will take back reign, I get that, I know we're in a fallen world, it's not perfect and we all pay for that by illness and death but it won't always be that way, there will be a time we'll be reunited forever with no more sickness, no more pain, no more sorrow!  I can imagine what a day that will be!  That is my hope, what I look toward, even while striving to live in this moment, embracing the good that there IS, and humanly, remembering what was with loving memories.

My husband had just had his 51st birthday when he died of a heart attack, we never dreamed he'd die so young, we thought we'd have at LEAST 20 more years together!  He never got to know what it is to retire, to be out of his long commute.  And now here I am, growing old alone.  This was not our plan!

I used to ask WHY too but never got any answer, I guess we'll all understand it someday, right now just trying to get through this as best as I can.  

Sending you lots of hugs, I hope you keep coming here, it really helps!