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Returning to the bed that was Ours


Will Always Be Bill's Wife

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Will Always Be Bill's Wife

My husband of 40 yrs died in my arms from an aortic dissection, two weeks after we celebrated our 40th anniversary. He, like so many of you, was my best friend, my partner though thick n thin, and the best husband a woman could ever have.

The night he died, my family wanted me to come home with them so I wasnt alone.i couldnt.  I wanted to be at home ...alone... That first night, still in shock, I wanted to sleep in our bed....couldnt....I slept in our 2nd bedroom.   I havent yet slept in our bed.  I want to go back and sleep there again.   I know itll be sad...I will cry mostly because of the loneliness I have, and an empty bed will magnify that.

I havent been able to go into the room without sobbing.   But I think the time is right for me to try.  

Has anyone experienced this?  How do you start?  Thank you for your generous spirits in sharing on this forum.

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I have experienced this feeling. I have not been able to go back there. I've been sleeping on a blow-up mattress because I've been avoiding goin there. The couch I can t sit there either. 

I've touched nothing that is a reminder of my loneliness yet everything still is . I do sleep with his undergarments and picture next to my pillow. 

It's very awkward and the empty feeling without his body there is a trigger. I don't feel the warmth of him. No arms holding me and it feels super cold there. 

I'm happy you're giving it a try. It hasn't been a month yet and I'm not ready. I've broken down at the thought and memory of him not being there. 

I think you know when you are ready and it only helps to try. You've had 40yrs together this will not be easy to adjust. But you will. 

Alot of memories will flow and alot of emotions with it. 

You got this.

 

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17 hours ago, Kathy the Islander said:

Has anyone experienced this?  How do you start? 

It's been over 14 years for me.  The first night my daughter slept with me in our bed...I only slept one hour.  I tried, again and again, I hugged his pillow, but you're right, it just exclaimed how empty it was to me, with him not in it, like it pointed out all the more that he was gone.  I started sleeping in our loveseat recliner, where we'd held hands and cuddled.  I don't know why I can sleep in it but not in the bed.  Sometimes things don't have to make logical sense, they just are.  Do whatever brings you comfort or at least not so much pain.

I'm so sorry for your loss.  (((hugs)))

I wrote this article of what I'd found helpful, I hope something in it will help you, if not now, someday.  What helped me the most was someone telling me to take one day at a time.  I don't have to take on the whole rest of my life, which brings anxiety.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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@Kathy the Islander  I am  so sorry you find yourself here.

I am just over a year into my own grief journey.  I have yet to be able to just go to bed and sleep in our bed.  I toss and turn, cry, think dark thoughts, and simply cannot shut off my busy, busy brain.

This is what I do in the evening:  I have the TV on with something "easy" for sound in the background.  After I take my night time meds, I lie down on the sofa with a blanket, but leave the TV on low as distraction.  Eventually, I fall asleep, which can take anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 hours.  After a few hours, I usually wake up enough to stagger off the sofa, make my way upstairs, and fall into our bed for a few more hours of sleep.  I'm generally so tired, half asleep, and basically out of it that I can sleep in our bed that way.  I usually wake up a time or two during those hours and sometimes can't get back to sleep.

When I wake up, I'm smacked in the heart once again by the fact that his side of the bed is cold and empty.  There's a moment each day before I'm fully awake that I forget.  I have not had a full night's sleep, certainly not uninterrupted, since before my love died.

I figure I'll try going up to bed in the "old" way from time to time, as I have been.  Maybe some day it will work and maybe it won't.  The only way to know if you can handle it is to try.

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Will Always Be Bill's Wife

I really want to try  but I had to clean off the dresser bc I'm putting the whole bedroom set up for sale...and I sobbed the whole time moving his stuff off.   I havent found the courage to try the  bed yet....sad as it is, I'm grateful for those who have said they havent either.  Feel like I'm going crazy just thinking about this one simple thing!  Love and thanks to all.

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mydeepestthoughts

My thoughts are with all of you. I have never experienced the loss of a loved one..my partner. 

So I have never had to face the challenges that is being discussed here. But i will say that your strength facing these challenges reminds me of how we have been created with the ability to adapt and adjust,and to heal. And hope that you  will find the peace  of  God that excels all thought 

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Will Always Be Bill's Wife

Thank you....it is the hardest, saddest thing I have had to deal with.  No matter how prepared, or in my case unprepared,  for an unexpected event of this magnitude, it is difficult to go on.

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It might be hard to do it right now, but be thankful for all these years you spent together, you had 40 years, the opportunity to raise kids, grew old together. it is amazing and not everyone can have that. My partner and i only had 9 years, he died unexpectedly 4 weeks ago leaving me with our two kids (3 years old boy and 3 month old girl). I cannot stop thinking about all the things he is going to miss (kindergarten, school, father-daughter dance and so on) and that my kids will not have a father who loved them a lot.

So from my perspective 40 years together is a gift.

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Will Always Be Bill's Wife

Thank you....40 plus years of love in a wonderful marriage was perfection. Losing my husband unexpectedly is the hardest, saddest thing I have ever had to deal with.  No matter how prepared, or in my case unprepared,  for an unexpected event of this magnitude, it is difficult to go on.  I'm hoping that returning to our bed will open other avenues to progressing through my grieving.

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I feel like I tried everything but in the end do what's comfortable for me...now I crave uninterrupted sleep, which I did not get last night...caregiving my dog who is dying from cancer is time consuming, challenging, and I am living in anticipatory grief, which is torture.  I didn't go through this with George as it was unexpected and sudden, but that has it's own woes, I was totally unprepared to lose him at 51, thinking it was life as usual.  It was a shock and the hardest thing I've ever been through.  Very different from my other losses.

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Will Always Be Bill's Wife

Hi Kay, anticipatory grief I think is much more profound.  Everyday you know your loved one, be it  a husband or furbaby is one day closer.  Yes, you get to say goodbye n I love yous, but in the end, you know they are suffering and you suffer as much if not more emotional pain.  I take comfort that my husband Bill went painlessly (aortic dissection).  Although it was extremely painful for me.  Hugs to you as you go through the days with your furbaby....

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Thank you, Kathy.  The last time I saw George, was in the hospital, his eyes bugged out, couldn't talk, having a major heart attack, they threw me out and locked the door behind me.  The next thing I knew, about an hour later, several of them were coming for me...they didn't have to say anything, I knew.  I wish they'd have let me be by his side when he entered his next life, we were always there for each other and they deprived me of being there for him in his most essential moment.  I hope he didn't feel I deserted him, I'm not sure how cognizant he was of what was going on, he was in extreme pain.  It took a lot to bring this big strong man to his knees.  :(

Funny how certain moments stand out to you in your life, markers of a sort, something life-changing that we never forget.

This is my little boy, Arlie, from better times.

Arlie at Paul's.jpg

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It has been 14 months since Dave died and I have not been able to go back to sleeping in our bed.  Like others I fall asleep on the couch with the TV on about 12:30 and then wake up around 7:00 to get ready for work.  I changed the bedding, now I'm planning on painting the room at some point.  But honestly, I have no desire to get into that bed alone. 

I guess we all just take it one day at a time, and whatever works best for us, is what we should do.  Even though I have great friends and family, nothing can fill the void.  I miss him so much it physically hurts.

Thinking of all of you as we navigate this journey and thankful for the people who share their feelings here.

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I was able to return to our bed.....but the only way I've been able to stay is by placing a small radio on his pillow and allow podcasts ( talk radio ) to play from my phone all night.  I don't usually recall sleeping .....but two nights ago I awoke from a nightmare....so realized I did have some sleep....but not worth much .  I can't imagine ever being able to sleep in total quiet.  

Each day I've wrestled with guilt .  I can't imagine the shock and pain of sudden loss....but in my case , Winston was ill for two full years....near death many times.  I stayed focused on everything....trying to keep life to minimal standards ( property/bills ) and follow his almost constant needs.  He was in so much pain ....so hard to watch him in both physical and emotional pain as we chose to let his mules go .  I truly tried to answer his every wish ....which included not discussing the expected passing.  Then when things suddenly changed for the worse , I was unprepared, exhausted, ill equipped to make the best decisions...and left wondering if he was disappointed in me and longing for the discussions we didn't have.  It's crazy....I went from having no time....then a span of surgeries gave him difficult potential time....and suddenly it seemed ....he was gone? I don't want to be here without him....I want more time to talk with him....about things he never wanted to talk about....and now....I'm left haunted. 

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Will Always Be Bill's Wife

Oh love, you brought me to tears.   I've been going thru the same guilt and emotio s.  I am so sorry.   This is one time I wish no one shared what I'm going thru.  It is a living nightmare.  Doesn't seem to matter if you anticipate your loved ones passing or not (in my case).  Those emotions you shared are deeply felt by me and so many others.  I want to know when it will stop feeling so fresh, so raw....if you ever want to talk pls send me a msg....-kathy, will always be bills wife❤️

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16 hours ago, Mulelady said:

I want more time to talk with him....about things he never wanted to talk about....and now....I'm left haunted.

Oh Hon, you describe the anguish of us all...just trying to get through it, so hard, so painful.  I can't say when this will ease, but it will.  Hold on and remember to breathe.  We're with you.

Kathy, I feel your pain also.

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On 7/31/2019 at 6:53 AM, Will Always Be Bill's Wife said:

Hi Kay, anticipatory grief I think is much more profound.  Everyday you know your loved one, be it  a husband or furbaby is one day closer.  Yes, you get to say goodbye n I love yous, but in the end, you know they are suffering and you suffer as much if not more emotional pain.

I try not to make any sort of comparisons because I think it is not fair to any of us. (Actually, what brought me here in December was my anger over people comparing types of loss or length of our marriage versus theirs or telling me "I know how you feel.")  But yes, it is extraordinarily hard to have your soul mate leave you bit by bit.  A guilt builds up as you wonder "Why did/didn't we...?" "How could I not have known sooner?"  "What did I do wrong?" "Why didn't the doctors find it or take his symptoms more seriously?" and more.  The little moments of hope when he rallies a bit or the doctors suggest a possible new treatment are fleeting as you understand the reality.

Knowing he doesn't want to go; knowing he's fighting as hard and long as he can, longer than he should have really; knowing that you would take his place in a heartbeat to spare him the pain or give every penny you own if it would make him well again.  You make bargains with God (in whatever form you believe) and the universe.  You swear you'll be a better person.  You promise anything and everything.  You cry so much you can't believe there are any tears left in the world.  And no matter how much you try not to, you cry in front of him and beg him not to leave you.  He says, "I don't plan to" and later, "I don't want to" and finally, "I'm sorry."  It actually has a name:  Pre-grief.  Though I understand why it's called that, there's not a damn thing "pre" about it.  It's more like "living grief."

Still, that doesn't mean my type of loss is any more or less than yours or anyone else's.  We're all different, but we all walk the same painful road.  Fortunately, we here are trying to walk it together.  My heart hurts for all of us.

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Will Always Be Bill's Wife

To foreverhis... I hope I didn't offend. You said something about comparing the length of the relationship is not the right thing....I couldn't agree more.  People who say"you were so lucky to have had a long life with him"...if they ended the statement there, I'd be fine....but then theyd say well I only had blah blah years....then I get upset...apples n oranges.  Your pain, my pain isn't any different because I spent my entire adult life with my husband, it's the same pain as if I would've spent a quarter of that time.   I'd have the same pain, the same questions, the same guilt.  Thank you for sharing that...I thought I was just being too sensitive.

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30 minutes ago, Will Always Be Bill's Wife said:

To foreverhis... I hope I didn't offend. You said something about comparing the length of the relationship is not the right thing....I couldn't agree more. 

Oh no, not at all.  I'm happy to discuss just about anything here with people who "get it" in the way no one else does, and that includes discussions of how our beloveds died, what our relationships were like, and how the differences affect us.  How can we not be affected on deeply personal levels in the specifics of our own losses?  No worries.  I didn't mean to come off as being critical of you.  I apologize if I did.

What I was referring to was something that basically a stranger said to me at the hospital while my love was very ill and the way she said it.  "How many years have you been married?"  "Almost 35."  "Well, you got more than I did.  You should be happy with that."  While my husband was literally fighting for his life. 

As far as I'm concerned, there shouldn't be taboo subjects among us here.  My heart truly does hurt for all of us.

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I try not to make any sort of comparisons because I think it is not fair to any of us. (Actually, what brought me here in December was my anger over people comparing types of loss or length of our marriage versus theirs or telling me "I know how you feel.")  But yes, it is extraordinarily hard to have your soul mate leave you bit by bit.  A guilt builds up as you wonder "Why did/didn't we...?" "How could I not have known sooner?"  "What did I do wrong?" "Why didn't the doctors find it or take his symptoms more seriously?" and more.  The little moments of hope when he rallies a bit or the doctors suggest a possible new treatment are fleeting as you understand the reality.
Knowing he doesn't want to go; knowing he's fighting as hard and long as he can, longer than he should have really; knowing that you would take his place in a heartbeat to spare him the pain or give every penny you own if it would make him well again.  You make bargains with God (in whatever form you believe) and the universe.  You swear you'll be a better person.  You promise anything and everything.  You cry so much you can't believe there are any tears left in the world.  And no matter how much you try not to, you cry in front of him and beg him not to leave you.  He says, "I don't plan to" and later, "I don't want to" and finally, "I'm sorry."  It actually has a name:  Pre-grief.  Though I understand why it's called that, there's not a damn thing "pre" about it.  It's more like "living grief."
Still, that doesn't mean my type of loss is any more or less than yours or anyone else's.  We're all different, but we all walk the same painful road.  Fortunately, we here are trying to walk it together.  My heart hurts for all of us.
For me the"living grief"I love that,was worse than his death,watching my big strong man wither into nothing.His confusion and one day begging to die and then telling me he was holding on for me and asking me if maybe he would get better.
I am happy we got our chances to talk like never before,but when he was to sick to talk or eat or stay awake,when he cried out with nightmares and when the pain meds made him think Christmas was on Dec 29 and he said merry Christmas to his daughter 4 days in a row,when he had to ask me what the news was about because he couldn't follow it and when he cried because he could no longer get in the shower.It was hell and each of those days haunts my soul.
Its not about how long we were together or sudden vs expected death,each one of us is different,Charlie and I had 10 years but put more Love and togetherness than my mother and beloved step father had in 30 years he stayed in the shop so they wouldn't have to talk.
So every couple and every death is intament and unique.
One thing we all share is grief.That also is unique with shared characteristics.
Love you
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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Billie Rae : your response about the living grief worse than the death ....was so real for me. For Two years we struggled, he deteriorated,  frightened, challenged , exhausted ....that I became ill prepared to handle the final emergency when it happened. Now , as most, I'm deep in the guilt & crying of what I wish I had known to do and the overwhelming reality of what I no longer have / what I must live in......painful loneliness, isolation .  

I would cringe when someone would inquire how long we were married . I realize it's a natural question....but feel like they're thinking ....well that's plenty...or you were lucky to have that...or that's not as much as I had...so not as big a deal . As you pointed out " more love and togetherness " than my parents with over 60 year ( horrible ) marriage .  I was his 4th wife and he my second .....we had finally gotten it so right....it was so good we glowed. On the rare occasion someone we didn't even know saw one of us missing....they'd have to ask where the other was ?  I started to call it " heaven "....then cringe . It was the best life we had ever experienced .....so wonderful....but now ....so horrible to endure.  

Right now....I've begun to cry just about anywhere.  Sure....at 4 months...many will cut me some slack....next I imagine they'll cut me some space. Then , as already, I will try to hide my feelings ...knowing there's only so long they'll put up with me....then I'll have another reason to cry. 

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Billie Rae : your response about the living grief worse than the death ....was so real for me. For Two years we struggled, he deteriorated,  frightened, challenged , exhausted ....that I became ill prepared to handle the final emergency when it happened. Now , as most, I'm deep in the guilt & crying of what I wish I had known to do and the overwhelming reality of what I no longer have / what I must live in......painful loneliness, isolation .  
I would cringe when someone would inquire how long we were married . I realize it's a natural question....but feel like they're thinking ....well that's plenty...or you were lucky to have that...or that's not as much as I had...so not as big a deal . As you pointed out " more love and togetherness " than my parents with over 60 year ( horrible ) marriage .  I was his 4th wife and he my second .....we had finally gotten it so right....it was so good we glowed. On the rare occasion someone we didn't even know saw one of us missing....they'd have to ask where the other was ?  I started to call it " heaven "....then cringe . It was the best life we had ever experienced .....so wonderful....but now ....so horrible to endure.  
Right now....I've begun to cry just about anywhere.  Sure....at 4 months...many will cut me some slack....next I imagine they'll cut me some space. Then , as already, I will try to hide my feelings ...knowing there's only so long they'll put up with me....then I'll have another reason to cry. 
It does ill prepare us,we become so used to the caregiving,the hospital emergencies,paying bills,keeping our homes afloat alone and trying to make sure our love is not stressed by all this while keeping the brave face on that it begins to feel as if that is how life will go on.
My Charlie was in and out of the hospital so much that even though that Monday while loading him into the ambulance my heart knew he would never come home but my instinct was to think he would so it was a surprise when he left.
All of a sudden the care and keeping everything together was over.
My job was done,the fear has become reality my focus on him was over.
I could now give in,give up but the habits have become part of me,I'm happy he is no longer suffering,but who am I without sleeping with my ears open?without staying awake long into the night to gently rub his back because my hands soothed him?without waiting for phone calls and texts from him to tell me how he was feeling,without his total faith at the end that I would make sure he was able to stay in his home with his truck right where he could see it?
Who am I without him?
Without being the caregiver of our family as I was for all our years,the reasons for everything over.
How do I put myself first when that's not my habit?
Love to you
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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I've experienced sudden loss and anticipatory grief where I was the caregiver...for three years.  It is like comparing apples to oranges, but in the end we're all left missing the one we love.  Each situation carries with it it's unique hardships.

58 minutes ago, Billie Rae said:

How do I put myself first when that's not my habit?

I'm even feeling that about Arlie...he had acute chronic Colitis all his life which I managed with diet, he couldn't tolerate the antibiotics.  And then throw cancer in the mixture!  I was used to getting up at 4 am to cook his food (about 1 1/2 hours process with clean up) and then another hour or more to get him to eat it with all his medicine and supplements...giving him short walks and belly rubs and ear rubs...he was literally my life and I'm at a loss now.  Everything is a trigger.  There's all the food I bought to cook for him, I can't touch it.  His unused medicines and supplements.  His bed, his toys, his collar and leash, his fence (I call it Arlie's fence, I always will, I had it built for him), his doghouse that now sits empty...his food bowls.  Those are just the physical reminders, there's the triggers throughout the day of not having him to walk with me, interact with me, him not greeting me when I come home.  The pain is unbelievable.  I know I'll have to get through this much the same way I did when I lost my George.  

No time is a good time to lose the one you love.

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6 hours ago, Mulelady said:

 Sure....at 4 months...many will cut me some slack....next I imagine they'll cut me some space. Then , as already, I will try to hide my feelings ...knowing there's only so long they'll put up with me....then I'll have another reason to cry.

Please try not to think about it as others cutting you some slack or putting up with you.  This isn't like having the flu where people give you a few extra days to get back to normal.  The normal we knew is gone.  There's no getting around that.  I guess what I'm trying to say, maybe not too clearly, is that I feel like you're kind of blaming yourself for the depth and length of your grief.  As if you are somehow a burden or weak and incapable of dealing with things.  You are neither weak nor incapable.  What you are is grieving the worst loss most of us will ever face.  No one can or should be expected to be strong and stoic in the face of that.  No one.  The only people who think otherwise have probably never experienced a deep loss and are unwilling to imagine what it is like.

The people who really care about us will let us be however we need to be for as long as we need to be that way.  At 4 months, you are still at the very beginning of your grief.  How can anyone expect you to "get over it" or any of the other insulting, rude, insensitive nonsensical things people say?  They're uncomfortable with your grief, with the knowledge that someday it will happen to them, and with their own mortality.  So you're expected to not "bother" them with the stark realities.  Please, please try to find those who will make you feel you do not have to hide your feelings in order to keep them in your life.  You may even find, as I and so many other have, that new friends can be among the most understanding and most compassionate. 

I'm at nearly 14 months and feel like I've just begun to figure out how to go on without the one person in the world who made my life worth living.  The one man who truly loved me through thick and thin, good and bad, and everything in between.  The most honest and honorable man I've ever known.  He was an imperfect man who was perfect for me.  There are still times I tell him "I need you to come home now."  (Isn't it funny, how we count these first months and years the same way we talk about our children when they're infants?)

I cannot for the life of me figure out why our society is so freaking bad at understanding and dealing with grief and loss, especially someone else's, that we don't even want to admit it exists.  Why do we think it's okay to sweep people aside when they need us most?  Unfortunately, I have no answers.  All we can do is be here for each other and try to find people in our lives who will continue to care about us.

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Just a word for all of you,thank you for making me feel not alone.
Thank you for loving me.Thank you for allowing me in your life and letting me be me.
I hurt with you,I cry with you and find hope with you.
I love you.
Kay,my heart aches for the loss of Arlie,how much company he was to you,a true partner.I hurt for how lonely you must be.
Know that you may not be able to see us but our hearts are there right there with you[emoji307]

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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Someone on another site hammered me for saying my cat is ill substitute for Arlie.  I stand by that statement, not that I don't love her and am glad she's here, I am, but one never replaces another and he filled unique spots in me no one else can, the pain is mine to carry.  I find myself breaking down and sobbing, and if you think people are impatient with our loss of spouse, they really are with loss of dog...some really just don't get it.  I try to hold it together in public but broke down on the phone with each of my sisters last night, I think because I felt safe with them.

Oh Billie, who else could you be but you?!  And we are glad you are exactly who you are!

 

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First I want to say....any new loss is a reminder and wound opener of a previous loss .  I only had one dog when I was young...lost it on Christmas Eve after only two months ( my poor mom having to tell me Christmas morning !) and have never had another ...not because I didn't want one , but because it wasn't practical or allowed in much of my life. Cats were a fixture....mostly for barn duty.  In my view....whether one prefers cats or dogs....the bottom line is  that most dogs interact / communicate with humans in a more intimate way than a cat......because most all cats are independent by nature and not as " expressive " as humans might understand.  Therefore I feel most dog relationships are more deeply felt ?  I do love my cats .....I've had hundreds.....but I've never felt they really cared that deeply about me the way I imagine a dog would have.  My X husband wouldn't allow a dog in our relationship because he said the loss of his previous dog was too painful and didn't want to go through that again.  I once had a pony that had to be put down for a disease .  Of course the pony offered little more than a cat might....tho she did whinny when I opened the kitchen door......but I remember to this day , crying daily in buckets for a few months.  To be honest...it was likely partly because I felt guilty about putting her down....and it was my young sons first pony .  All that said....I see every reason you would feel deep pain at the loss of Arlie at any time....but especiailly now.

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Bill's Wife,

I was not able to sleep in "our" bed after my husband's death.   I began sleeping in a guest room that just had a twin bed.  Now, 2 1/2 years later, I am still sleeping in a twin bed, but it is in my bedroom in the house that I moved to after "downsizing".   

I like the twin in part because I don't have an empty half of bed to face each morning. 

It is still hard to sleep sometimes.

Gail

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Will Always Be Bill's Wife

As a follow up....it's now October.   I've sold or given away all of the bedroom that was "ours".   Painted, new furniture, everything.   The biggest change is that I sleep on HIS side of the bed.  I don't know why, it wasn't a decision I made.  I just did it.  I too sleep with the clothes he had changed out of the morning he died.  So far it's been ok.   With the help of medications prescribed by my shrink, I am able to get some sleep. I've changed everything in the room and made it mine.   It does help.

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On 9/15/2019 at 10:15 PM, Gail 8588 said:

 I began sleeping in a guest room that just had a twin bed. 

My mom did that too.  She slept in the single bed in the guest room off and on for 10 years. 

 

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I actually like my twin bed.  It reflects who I am, a single person.  For 38 years I slept in a king sized bed with a husband who took up 2/3 of the bed. So the twin bed is actually more room than I had in the king.  I like having more floor space in my bedroom and it gives my dog more options for where he relaxes in the room.  He has his rather large dog bed under the window, but he often sleeps right next to my bed.

The king sized bed we shared, I gave away. I knew I couldn't sleep in it again. 

Peace

Gail

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1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

I actually like my twin bed.  It reflects who I am, a single person.

It's wonderful that you have been able to find a comfort and contentment that way.

I know what you mean about having a small portion of bed.  My 6 ft tall, broad shouldered husband was a bit of a bed and cover hog.  We ended up buying a king size comforter for our queen bed.  And for 17 years we had a 7 lb cat who would stretch out on and around her daddy, while poking and holding me with one paw to say, "I love you too, mom, but he's mine right now.  Don't bug me."

The only thing I will probably do is buy a queen size comforter and cut our covers to size.  That king size one is a bear to wrestle on my own.

I am pretty sure I will continue to work toward sleeping in our bed so that I am able to "go to bed" in it, rather than letting myself fall asleep on the sofa or in his chair and then staggering up to bed a few hours later.  I'm half asleep then and can usually get back to sleep for 3 to 5 hours.  The thing is that I think of myself as married to my love and suspect I always will.  It's what gives me a semblance of comfort.  So I will continue to ease myself back into the bed my love and I shared, knowing that no matter what else happened in our lives, there was always love.

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For some reason, I went back to "our" bed Monday night.  I put his pillow up to my back, and did fall asleep.  Of course, it was about 12:30 or 1:00 when I went upstairs.  I have now slept in "our" bed two nights.  Not exactly a restful sleep and some tears. I'm not sure how I feel about being in our room alone.  I have changed the comforter and have paint to change the color to navy blue.  I bought the paint right after Dave died and it has been in my garage for almost 15 months.  Everything is just so hard, decisions to be made, things going wrong around the house, etc.  After almost 48 years of marriage (2 weeks shy) and being together for 54 years, I am still married in my heart and head to the one I love with all of my heart.

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It's interesting how we all handle this differently.  I went to sleeping in a recliner after trying for a long time to get through the sleeping in our bed...it was just too much of a reminder of how empty it was without him.  But neither can I get rid of it.  Now I let my son and his wife sleep in it when they come.  I am on our loveseat-recliner, and I have no idea how that is mentally any better as George and i always reclined there together, holding hands...the disparity of why one place is comforting and another not doesn't elude me.  This grief doesn't have to make sense, it just is, and however we choose to handle it...it should be our way, what brings us any degree of comfort.

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It might be hard to do it right now, but be thankful for all these years you spent together, you had 40 years, the opportunity to raise kids, grew old together. it is amazing and not everyone can have that. My partner and i only had 9 years, he died unexpectedly 4 weeks ago leaving me with our two kids (3 years old boy and 3 month old girl). I cannot stop thinking about all the things he is going to miss (kindergarten, school, father-daughter dance and so on) and that my kids will not have a father who loved them a lot.
So from my perspective 40 years together is a gift.


My husband passed away from what we believe to be a heart attack exactly one week ago today. We were out of town and it was so sudden. 8 years of marriage and a 4 year old left behind. I’ve been staying at my parents house because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go back and spend a night in our home without him. Thinking of my son not having a dad and everything my husband was supposed to be here for but now will not be... like first day of school, baseball... that’s what hurts the most right now. [emoji174][emoji24]


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I am so sorry, @SPPuffin .  I hope your dad or other male figure can be there for your son.  My husband also died of a heart attack, it was a shock but my kids were grown.  Where you live...just do what feels most comfortable for you right now.  I'm glad you found this place, it really helps.
I wrote these of what I'd found helpful, some might speak to you now, some later, there is no one size fits all.  Wishing you some comfort and peace...

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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My boyfriend of 5 years passed away 5 weeks ago of a heart attack that began in our bed.  I had actually worked late, came home and he and our son were sleeping in our bed.  I kissed them both good night then went into our son's room to sleep.  I had just laid down when Joe asked if I was going back downstairs, I said no then there wasn't an answer.  Just a thump.  Our son said he fell on the floor and I assumed he was having another panic attack.  I quickly recognized it wasn't and sent our son outside to call 911 and meet the EMTs at the door.  What happened next was traumatic and I won't go into detail.  He was dying in front of me, horribly and he was scared.  I gave him CPR until the EMTs arrived.  He was still breathing and had a slight pulse when they took him to the ER.  He passed away there.  It all happened in 47 minutes...that's all it took.  Our son is actually his son but I have been his mommy for 5 years.  The guardianship issue is another matter.  But I lost every bit of our life that night.  I exist in fear and for the first 3 weeks I woke up shaking and continued to shake most of the morning.  I had one crying episode that lasted 4 days until the doctor gave me something to calm me down...that didn't happen until 2 weeks after the funeral was completed.  I could barely go into our home.  Thankfully, I have a friend who owns a furniture store and gave me a completely new bed for almost nothing.  We have had the bed for 2 weeks and it has made all the difference.  My son and I sleep in it together with our 2 doggies.  I bring him breakfast in bed, which consists of Cinnamon Toast Crunch or Lucky Charms, every morning.  He LOVES it and seeing him happy has been very healing.  However, on the nights he is with his biological mom, it's much harder.  The doctor gave me Ativan to help with the really tough bouts and it helps.  I hug my dogs and always talk to one of my closest friends every day.  I make lists and I try to focus on the kid and I building a new little life.  But I'm so tired and so sad.  I miss Joe so much.  I feel the same way I did when my mom would be in the hospital receiving chemo and couldn't come home because of an unexpected infection or other complication with a combination of feeling like I've just been through the worst break up.  He's never coming home...he left and I will never hear, smell or see him again.  I haven't "felt" him like so many feel their loved ones after they die.  I felt my mom for years after she passed.  I keep going over it in my head and really believing there really is another outcome and he's coming home.  I loved his being arms around me.  He was supposed to be my "everything is going to be ok" and he's gone.  Now I have to be the strong one again, just like when my mom died so many years ago.  Everyone keeps telling me I'm strong, but I'm so broken inside.  There were so many signs too, but he was too stubborn to do anything about it or change his habits.  I feel like he didn't care at all what losing him would do to his son and I while still loving and missing him so much my heart physically hurts.  I am so thankful for this website and reading posts that are similar to mine.  I truly feel alone but reading other posts help.  I'm also so very sorry for everyone on here who has lost...no one should have to experience our pain.  

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7 hours ago, JOESGIRL said:

I feel like he didn't care at all what losing him would do to his son and I

I am so sorry for your loss and hope you get to continue raising your son.  

It's more likely that rather than not caring, he was in denial about his habits and what could happen.  My husband was a smoker but had cut back 90%, also diabetic but ate sugar (I didn't allow it in the house).  We never expected he'd die barely 51. 

My heart goes out to you.  People say things like we're strong but they don't see how tore up we are inside or how this affects us long term.  We have no choice but to keep going.

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Oh KayC my husband also was diabetic and was only 58 when Pancreatic Cancer took him. Almost 2 years later and it still feels like yesterday.  Still crying every day. I often wonder if I'll ever feel "normal" again . Maybe not. On top of everything my brother is moving to Florida and my son moved to Raleigh, got married and now they are expecting their first child and my first grandchild in February. My best friend moved to Florida a few years ago.  I live in Pennsylvania and I am not a traveler now that Charlie isn't here.  We went everywhere together and I just feel so alone having to go visit them without him. I know I will have to soon but I'm not looking forward to it.  If he were here I would be so excited to travel. I just don't know how I'll ever be able to ever fully enjoy life again.  It's just so hard.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Arlie. I'm going to be facing that soon with my Katie as she is 14 years old.  

 

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Joe's Girl:  I'm so sorry for you loss...and the extra trauma you endured.  I'm at 6 months....doesn't take much to trigger a crying mode in public. I know it will be awhile. I agree with KayC about him " not caring " about his health.  Most of us never believe or imagine " it's " going to happen to us....or that we'll have time to " fix " it...or it's the " other " guy ?  I too was sad that my Winston didn't do some of the food improvements I hoped he'd adopt....but he was a tough active man ...and just didn't want to or believe " it " was important.  Maybe it wasn't ....but it made me feel he didn't care enough ?  In the end....likely we all just believe we'll be fine.  Every time the hospitals gave him high sugar liquids It blew my mind....as I believed " sugar feeds Cancer ".....but he just didn't agree.  In our case....he was too weak to debate with....so I just focused on keeping life as peaceful for him as possible .  It was so painful for us both.  

Mystic :  We too enjoyed years of working together and travel....together 24/7...and now just eating /sleeping/ living alone is a challenge....already aware that travel will never be as fun, comfortable, fearless .  My most common daily mantra has been....if Winston were here " this wouldn't happen" , " he would know what to do' , " he would solve this problem "  , " I wouldn't be so painfully sad".....and then I have another reason to cry.  I have limited family and no grand children....but if I did...I might be temped if OK, to move near at least one of your emotional support people/family ?  Meanwhile....have you thought about trying group bus travel  ? To be honest .....I haven't decided I'm ready..as it was something we often enjoyed together.....but it's also something a lot of singles do so they won't have to travel alone.  You might consider a short one....like a 3 day weekend ?  That's what I will consider when I THINK I'm ready.  

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Mystic,

I pray your grandchild will bring you joy, I only see mine about once a month, sometimes overnight but more often than not, just a short few hours, it's never enough.  I wish we lived closer.  I hope you'll get used to the flying, did you and your husband travel together?  Stepping out of our comfort zone is difficult at first but after we do it a few times we get more used to it.  I don't fly (can't afford it) but there have been other "comfort zones" I've had to break, and it gets better with practice.  My grandchildren and my dog have brought me great joy and now I'm missing my sweet dog, I hope it's a good long while before you have to face this.  

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On ‎10‎/‎14‎/‎2019 at 8:18 PM, Will Always Be Bill's Wife said:

The biggest change is that I sleep on HIS side of the bed.  I don't know why, it wasn't a decision I made.  I just did it.

I too sleep on Randy's side of the bed and it wasn't something I decided, I just do it.  Randy's clothes are still hanging on the hook in our closet where he left them the morning we drove to the hospital for the same time.  The clothes he wore to the hospital I placed in a ziplock baggie so they would continue to smell like him.  Every now and then I open it and just take in how wonderful he always smelled.  When he died, I cut off part of his goatee and kept it.  My kids thought it was crazy but I was desperate to hang on to something physical of him and he was bald from the brain radiation.  Sometimes I pull out the baggie and just look at it and touch it.  It's an actual part of him. 

 

On ‎10‎/‎25‎/‎2019 at 8:22 PM, KayC said:

my dog have brought me great joy and now I'm missing my sweet dog

Kay, I'm not really a dog lover but my husband was.  He left me two cats that I didn't really want but over time, I find myself bonding with them more and more.  They never get tired of listening to me say how much I love and miss him.  Just having them cuddle with me on the couch is comforting.  I talk to them and they talk back.  My kids call me the crazy cat lady.  Maybe so, but my kids aren't there for me all the time (and I don't expect them to be) and the cats are.  It's something alive in the house to come home to.  No, an animal can never replace our spouse and the loss is NOT the same but I can understand the loss of a companion or friend.  I can understand how that loss could open up old wounds and cause new ones. 

 

On ‎10‎/‎25‎/‎2019 at 8:22 PM, KayC said:

Stepping out of our comfort zone is difficult at first but after we do it a few times we get more used to it. 

I really believe this is the only way we will ever build a life for ourselves after our spouse dies, by stepping out of our comfort zone. 

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Mulelady, I wouldn't be comfortable traveling in a group. I think I would actually feel worse knowing I wasn't with Charlie.  I guess it's still too soon for me.  I don't know if it will change or not.  Mentally I can't move anywhere.  I feel close to him here. My cousin is here and I'm very close to her.  I tell her she saved my life because I leaned on her so much after Charlie left and I still do.

KayC, my husband and I didn't travel alot at least by air.  We mostly did day trips. We were looking forward to more travel since most of our family has moved South.  We were even planning to move to North Carolina where our son lives.  I feel like my whole life has changed and I'm just trying to survive although I don't even feel like doing that at times.  I can't believe how much this sucks. The love of my life and best friend is gone.

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Mystic...I get what you're feeling about travel alone....I'm about to be tested ...leave alone next Thursday 7th to Canada for Widow Camp ...yikes.  I know I will be a wreak the day before and next....just the thought is  stressful !  I too am anxious about the first time I return to bus travel and experience that he's not with me...seeing all the other couples....retiring to hotel room at night alone....not sure how soon I'll be trying that.  Our biggest love was camping in the mountains w/ the mules....that will never happen again....very sad to think about. I have a lot of video of him and our life....look at them now and then. Funny....they are not hard to watch...almost calming for a moment...till I turn them off and remember he's not coming home.   I keep saying to myself...I have to find a way to live .....what I have now is not living.  What we had was just amazing.....what I have now is just painful.  

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Give yourself time before considering any major changes, even ones you'd thought about doing before he died.  Take your time and go slow with this.  We need time to sit with our grief before the grief fog wears off and any clarity of mind returns.  

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