I feel so alone now

[Brian_L]

I feel so desperate.

My love passed away on the 5th.

Michelle had a brain aneurysm on her way back from a trip to her grandmas celebration of life in another state. I was waiting at her house for her to arrive home when her mom called me and told me something was wrong.

I sat for 2 days in the ICU next to her bed, listening to the machine taking breaths for her. It seemed like the worst days of my life.

I returned back to my home state, and went to her house to take care of her animals. She has many. We were living together, though I still own a house across town. Her house was my home. So i returned to staying there, and taking care of everything. Her mother stayed in the other state to get her cremated and get the urn. She then returned to Michelle's house and has been staying there with me. We have talked about what to do with everything. I asked if I could take the animals and she said yes, and thanked me, because she didn't know what to do.

All during this I have really had a rough time doing anything but cry most of the time. There are moments when I appear ok, but I am not.

I started preparing my house for the dogs to come live with me and my two daughters. I told her I needed to measure for the doggy door and she said, NO, you don't need to do that, you can take this house and live here. Oh how i wanted to hear that as I yearn to hold onto the things that we shared in our life together. I told her repeatedly that most of the stuff in the house was just stuff and there were just some items that were extremely sentimental, that I'd like to keep. She insisted that I take everything that she just wanted a few things for her and her son, she was leaving the state, there's no reason for her to stay now.

I started preparing to sell my house, getting ready to move forward with my life.

That was as of three days ago, on Friday.

Friday evening, I returned to my house. I just got my two girls for the first time since she passed away. It was so hard to tell them. They are 7 and 10. There were a lot of tears all around.

Saturday I spent with the girls, I tried not to cry too much, but it wasn't possible.

Sunday I brought the girls to stay with their grandma.

My fiance's mother was supposed to spend the weekend cleaning out the spare room so the girls can move in with me there.

 

Sunday I was invited to hang out with a few friends for a get together. I told the host that I wasn't ready for a large group of people, and I might not stay long. She assured me it would be 5-6 people max.   I showed up, there were about 15 people there. Michelle's mom was even there. It was about impossible for me to keep my composure and not cry.

We are celebrating her life on her birthday, so her mom is having a birthday cake made. Someone asked what her favorite kind of cake was. I said carrot cake, because that's what she told me, and she always got carrot cake when we got cake. Her mom then said, no It's chocolate, you might have 2 years with her (it was 4), but I had 45 birthdays. I know what her favorite cake was. I felt shocked, her tone was really harsh.

I then told her that I had started looking at what to do with the mortgage. She said, I know what to do, I'm keeping the house and I'm going to live there and her brother is getting all her stuff. I said, so you don't want me staying there now? she said, oh, you can come by anytime.

It was all too much, I had to step outside. I lost it and was just there crying, wondering what I had done. All of a sudden everyone was outside. I just wanted to be alone, so I moved back inside.

The host said that she didn't know the mom was going to be there, and that she didn't realize that there was any issue between us. I told her I had no idea what was going on. She said everyone was wondering why she was SO mad at me.

The host kept pressuring me to "be happy",  "be in the moment", "she wouldn't want you to be like this."
I hated it. I didn't want to be there.

I couldn't stop crying. I called Michelle's mom, who had apparently already left, and I asked what I had done to make her so mad at me. She said I didn't do anything. She then went on to tell me how embarrassed my Michelle would be at me crying in front of people. She actually told me that I was an embarrassment to my dead fiance.

My anxiety has been so high, I cry constantly. I have no idea what's going on now. I'm still trying to digest it all. I don't know what happened with her mother.
I don't understand why everyone expects me to just "be happy"
It's just been weeks now. She was everything to me. I can't do it.

It has been like a nightmare. I feel like I was in a bad dream. I have spent a lot of time just crying uncontrollably.

I don't know, This is probably all over the place. I feel like I'm losing my mind, along with everything else.

I just needed to put this out there. I feel like I have nobody

[Heart&Soul]

I am so sorry for your loss  - my heart breaks for you.  Nobody should tell you to be happy and get on it with.  You lost the love of your life - this is one of the hardest things you will have to bear.  Please know that you have people - the wonderful people on this forum will be your rock, your sounding board, your listeners and your family.  We are all in this together - trying to find a way to go on when our hearts are breaking and we don't even want to be here anymore.  

I lost my husband of 25 years last October to cancer.  I still have days when I am a mess and can't stop crying.  My heart aches.  Anxiety kicks in when I think of the future but I just do it one day at a time.

Please come to the forum and connect with others.  Sending you big hugs.

[Billie Rae]

They pressure you to be happy for their own comfort.Don't listen to them,this is your grief and yours alone no one gets to tell you how to feel or act you may have to find yourself avoiding them.
Right now you need kind caring loving people around you.
Stay with this forum,we are all at different places in our sorrow but we all share that we have lost the one who was most important in our lives.
Hugs my dear

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Scott A]

Nobody is in your shoes and nobody understands your grief. You owe nobody an apology for crying, for being upset, for how you feel.  How you were treated by the mother is absolutely terrible and I'm sorry for all you are dealing with. I hope there is someone close to you, family or friends, who can give you the support you need. If not, know there are those of us on this website who will help.  Also, a therapist may be of help. I was extremely wary of trying therapy, but I've found it helpful to work through my feelings.

[Brian_L]

Things just keep getting worse.

I went to get my belongings from her home yesterday. Her mother was there. She had already thrown away a lot of my belongings. She wouldn't let me take hardly anything. Things me and Chelle aquired together on vacations that we took together, things we made together in pottery class date night. Valentines gifts. That's Michelle's where are you going with that, put it right back.

I know that these are just material things, but they are special to me.

Even the gifts she was bringing back to me from the last trip, when she passed away, her mother gave them away.

She told me that Michelle had plenty of boyfriends and I was nothing special. I had a life with my kids at my house, my life with Michelle is done. She said I was an embarrassment to her daughter. I know these things are not true, but they hurt just the same.

 

I asked her why the sudden change. She said that it was the antics of being emotional and crying in front of people the night before. I was milking for attention. I was a total embarrassment. She said also because I didn't greet her when I arrived, and she felt offended by that. I didn't even get all my belongings, i just left after she took my key. She told me she was going to sell all of Michelle's things in the yard sale rather than let me take any of it.

I feel like it's all too much.

It's like a never ending nightmare.

[Moment2moment]

So sorry for your loss and all this cruelty being cast on you in your grief.

Michelle's mother sounds like a nutcase. It sounds like someone got the notion of monetary gain into her head re the house and items inside. Beyond sad, but the buzzards circle quickly.

I think at this point I would distance myself from her and protect myself and my daughters (and the dogs if you still have them). You may be able to use legal means to get your personal items back.

Meanwhile if you can find counseling support or legal support please consider those. 

This place is a loving good place so glad you found your way here.

Love, 

Lily

[Brian_L]

Thank you

I am going to try to get counseling. I am actually having a hard time focusing on anything.

[KayC]

Welcome here, I'm glad you found this place.  I'm very sorry for your loss.

Wow.  That is a lot to try and digest.  My heart goes out to you, no one should have to go through something like that.  Here I was thinking "what a nice mom she had" when all of a sudden the bomb drops!  Sometimes people are at their worst when they're grieving and I can't help but wonder if that's not the case with her.  It sounds like she felt jealous of your relationship with her daughter, that she couldn't handle someone else knowing her daughter better than her.  It's not a competition, it's natural for partners to open up in ways that they don't with their parent.  It's not you personally, but I know it FEELS very personal to you!

Hold on to the love you know you share, it continues still, the one thing that death can't touch.  It affects how it's displayed as we can no longer hold each other, interact, but the bond still exists.

Could you have someone the mom doesn't know go to the garage sale and get some things?

I'm glad you're going for counseling, it helps to have someone help us through this as we can be at a loss where to start.

I wrote this article of what I'd found helpful over the years and I hope something in it helps you now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Kal1120]

I’m very sorry for your loss. You have the right to grieve any way that you want. This doesn’t excuse it at all, but it really seems like everyone handles grief differently. My husbands family doesn’t even speak to me or see our daughter (I was pregnant with her when he died). They say seeing us is too painful. I don’t get it. I hope you can find some peace soon. Keep posting on this site. The people here understand and are helpful. 

[Brian_L]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

 It sounds like she felt jealous of your relationship with her daughter, that she couldn't handle someone else knowing her daughter better than her. 

I think this is part of it

She didn't actually raise Michelle. Michelle was raised by her uncle and her grandma and I think she might feel guilty. They are VERY different.  Truth is though, it doesn't matter why she's doing it. It's just wrong. My life is already in shambles.

I'm still reeling over all this. Now I'm having to remove her from the administrator of the celebration of life, because I just heard she's trying to cancel it. I've already sent invitations and people are traveling from out of state.

 

I just wish this feeling that I have something sitting on my chest would subside.  Is that normal?  It's been there all the time now. Like i can't really breath.

I've actually been eating ok I guess, but as soon as I walk out this door to go home from work, It's going to be tears all the way home. I've made it most of the work day without crying, so that's good I think.

 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Brian_L said:

Truth is though, it doesn't matter why she's doing it. It's just wrong. My life is already in shambles.

You are so right and astute to recognize this!

Yes a weight on your chest sounds normal enough to me in grief!  It's a lot to deal with without all these added things.  You should be able to have a celebration of life and I would not let her cancel it, she can do whatever she wants on her own but this is yours to call.  I hope it will be a beautiful day of honoring her life and recalling all of the good you shared.  I wish you the best!

[JoyR]

On 7/22/2019 at 2:56 PM, Brian_L said:

I feel so desperate.

My love passed away on the 5th.

Michelle had a brain aneurysm on her way back from a trip to her grandmas celebration of life in another state. I was waiting at her house for her to arrive home when her mom called me and told me something was wrong.

I sat for 2 days in the ICU next to her bed, listening to the machine taking breaths for her. It seemed like the worst days of my life.

I returned back to my home state, and went to her house to take care of her animals. She has many. We were living together, though I still own a house across town. Her house was my home. So i returned to staying there, and taking care of everything. Her mother stayed in the other state to get her cremated and get the urn. She then returned to Michelle's house and has been staying there with me. We have talked about what to do with everything. I asked if I could take the animals and she said yes, and thanked me, because she didn't know what to do.

All during this I have really had a rough time doing anything but cry most of the time. There are moments when I appear ok, but I am not.

I started preparing my house for the dogs to come live with me and my two daughters. I told her I needed to measure for the doggy door and she said, NO, you don't need to do that, you can take this house and live here. Oh how i wanted to hear that as I yearn to hold onto the things that we shared in our life together. I told her repeatedly that most of the stuff in the house was just stuff and there were just some items that were extremely sentimental, that I'd like to keep. She insisted that I take everything that she just wanted a few things for her and her son, she was leaving the state, there's no reason for her to stay now.

I started preparing to sell my house, getting ready to move forward with my life.

That was as of three days ago, on Friday.

Friday evening, I returned to my house. I just got my two girls for the first time since she passed away. It was so hard to tell them. They are 7 and 10. There were a lot of tears all around.

Saturday I spent with the girls, I tried not to cry too much, but it wasn't possible.

Sunday I brought the girls to stay with their grandma.

My fiance's mother was supposed to spend the weekend cleaning out the spare room so the girls can move in with me there.

 

Sunday I was invited to hang out with a few friends for a get together. I told the host that I wasn't ready for a large group of people, and I might not stay long. She assured me it would be 5-6 people max.   I showed up, there were about 15 people there. Michelle's mom was even there. It was about impossible for me to keep my composure and not cry.

We are celebrating her life on her birthday, so her mom is having a birthday cake made. Someone asked what her favorite kind of cake was. I said carrot cake, because that's what she told me, and she always got carrot cake when we got cake. Her mom then said, no It's chocolate, you might have 2 years with her (it was 4), but I had 45 birthdays. I know what her favorite cake was. I felt shocked, her tone was really harsh.

I then told her that I had started looking at what to do with the mortgage. She said, I know what to do, I'm keeping the house and I'm going to live there and her brother is getting all her stuff. I said, so you don't want me staying there now? she said, oh, you can come by anytime.

It was all too much, I had to step outside. I lost it and was just there crying, wondering what I had done. All of a sudden everyone was outside. I just wanted to be alone, so I moved back inside.

The host said that she didn't know the mom was going to be there, and that she didn't realize that there was any issue between us. I told her I had no idea what was going on. She said everyone was wondering why she was SO mad at me.

The host kept pressuring me to "be happy",  "be in the moment", "she wouldn't want you to be like this."
I hated it. I didn't want to be there.

I couldn't stop crying. I called Michelle's mom, who had apparently already left, and I asked what I had done to make her so mad at me. She said I didn't do anything. She then went on to tell me how embarrassed my Michelle would be at me crying in front of people. She actually told me that I was an embarrassment to my dead fiance.

My anxiety has been so high, I cry constantly. I have no idea what's going on now. I'm still trying to digest it all. I don't know what happened with her mother.
I don't understand why everyone expects me to just "be happy"
It's just been weeks now. She was everything to me. I can't do it.

It has been like a nightmare. I feel like I was in a bad dream. I have spent a lot of time just crying uncontrollably.

I don't know, This is probably all over the place. I feel like I'm losing my mind, along with everything else.

I just needed to put this out there. I feel like I have nobody

I'm sorry for your loss as I'm hurt to hear how poorly you been treated. The one thing we want is to hold on to everything and all memories of our beloved. No one knows how painful it is to loose a partner. And as I stated to someone even my bf family. Thier love is very different from ours. We know them on a deeper lever ,and intimate and not like family love. So the connection in my mind is very unique and special. We get to know them on personal level their true selfs and not just by blood. It's a hard blow when family doesn't involved you or go back on words when all u want is thier upmost support. And we cling to Every memory of them even thier family to feel close. When you now feel tossed aside from them when with ur loved on you were important to them is hard. 

I feel so hurt and I pray you heal and hopefully you can come to better results for your own healing. 

[Scott A]

On 7/23/2019 at 1:55 PM, Brian_L said:

I just wish this feeling that I have something sitting on my chest would subside.  Is that normal?  It's been there all the time now. Like i can't really breath

Yes it's normal.  The emotional trauma definitely can effect you physically.  I often feel the same.  One piece of advice given to me that helps a bit is slow, deep breathing. 

[Brian_L]

It hurts so much. My heart aches constantly. I can mostly keep it together around people when I am at work, but even then I've lost it and started crying before. Once was on an elevator full of people. The thought that she's gone. It's too much. It just seems unbearable. It's so painful.

 I have tried to talk to people, and go out to see friends, but they just keep saying things that aren't really helpful, and sometimes they actually make me feel worse. I don't even want to be around anyone now. I feel so isolated in my grief. 

I don't want it to be true. I miss her so much. It's excruciating. I feel like time has stopped and I am stuck here in the most painful moment of my life. Nobody even knows I'm here because they are just moving along normally in their lives.

[JoyR]

1 hour ago, Brian_L said:

I have tried to talk to people, and go out to see friends, but they just keep saying things that aren't really helpful, and sometimes they actually make me feel worse. I don't even want to be around anyone now. I feel so isolated in my grief. 

I feel the same. July 3 my world changed. We go out in the world trying to be normal when in truth we are crying tremendously inside.

I've been in and out of hiding with most days staying isolated. It's you and no noise and all you want to do is think of them. It consumes you and you just want to stay there. 

But please be kind to yourself and I'm glad to know your eating food as I've had problems. So sorry. You will have days that are overwhelmed with grief and others where you cope . And you will get better when you're ready. Take your time and it's okay.

[Will Always Be Bill's Wife]

I lost my husband of 40 yrs, 2 months ago. 

And in this very short 8 weeks, which feels like just yesterday  and an eternity...this is what I have learned

Please take your time....let your mind and body grieve in whatever manner it sees fit.  Nothing makes any sense...your loss is too fresh, so is mine....Seek out counseling with a certified grief counselor....one who can hold you up while you stumble around in the darkness.   I dont have all the answers, no one does.  But I have been told, or have read that there is no "right way to grieve"....there is no timetable, no book of how to instructions....follow your heart...allow yourself to mourn, grieve, cry, scream, be angry or have a brief second of happiness whenever possible.  

As for Michelle's "mother"....she seems to be handling grief in her own but somewhat mean way.   You do not need the conflict right now.  You are at the lowest point a human can ever be.   Let the tangible things that you shared with her that you can no longer possess be just that...things....

Your heart and soul hold everything important to you, now and forever... Your memories of your life and love of this beautiful woman.  Cherish every moment you shared.  I am journaling daily conversations  with my husband.  I write down everything.   It helps me connect to him in my own way.

Like I said, no one has the answers for you...its a long path of grief and each ones path is different.   

I hope you find a moment of peace and  joy now and then....

[KayC]

Kathy, great response...

Brian, what you are feeling seems what all of us have felt.  Eventually we adjust as much as we're going to, but it takes oh so long and so much work getting there...but we never ever forget what we've been through on this grief journey, and we never ever stop loving and missing them.  That's just part of us now.

[Andy]

Brian, I am sorry for your loss and the turmoil left in its wake, it’s just one of the many things that often get “broken” after this kind of tragic event. The emotional wreck left behind after this kind of catastrophic episode breaks people down, allowing them to act in ways they themselves may not be aware of. Your fiancés mother might have begun to feel protective of her memory, especially if you suspect there may have been jealousy involved. She might have been influenced by other family members or friends, and as you say, ultimately it doesn’t matter. Staying away from her, sheltering yourself from her anger, is probably the best thing. The things that were special to both of you do mean something, but in the end, the memories, the love, the time, the commitment and devotion are things that NO one can take away from you.

 

I’m getting to the 4 year mark since my wife passed, and I can tell you, for myself, that while the hurt will always be there, the grief ever-present, it does get easier. The scars remain but the constant agony and waves of helpless sorrow do subside. At about 5 months I stopped crying everyday. It went to not crying every 4th day. And then a little less, until life begins to clear up and begins to make sense again. It may seem impossible, but it does happen. Hang in there, be strong when you can, weak when you can’t, take care of yourself and your children, and take it all one moment at a time. This is your grief to work through. No right or wrong, just self care.

 

The weight on your chest, anxiety. It’s a beast. It, too, will subside with time. I wrestle with it often, but I manage. You’ll be okay Brian. You aren’t alone my friend.

 

Peace and love,

Andy

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

 

[Brian_L]

It was her birthday this past weekend. There was a celebration of life on that day, her day. There was one a couple days earlier for her coworkers specifically.
I attended both.
I'm glad they are out of the way. There was so much anxiety and pain at the coworker event because her family was there and they shunned me, it felt awful. It was not in her spirit at all.
At the birthday event none of her family showed up and it went well, I think, though a lot of people didn't show up, probably because her mother kept telling people that it was canceled. I thought once I didn't have to worry about any contact with them, I'd be able to let it go. I haven't been able to stop wondering why they are treating me so badly. It's eating at me.
I thought it would bring some kind of relief, a little closure. I only feel worse now.

I just counted that it's been 46 days now, but the time that has elapsed seems irrelevant. I know that everyone grieves differently, but is it common for it to just get more painful as time passes? I just feel like it's more painful and difficult every day. I just miss her more all the time.
 

[KayC]

46 minutes ago, Brian_L said:

I haven't been able to stop wondering why they are treating me so badly.

So many of us have wondered this...I can only surmise that with some people, their grief brings out the worst in them.  Try to realize it's not personal to you, even though it surely FEELS that way.  I haven't heard from my husband's family since he passed except one who tried to get me to send George's coin collection to him for George's nephew he didn;t know (he had his own kids and stepkids, why would he send it to him?  Besides, he's already gotten rid of it).  Three members of his family attended the funeral, the rest didn't bother even though all but one of this large family (9 living siblings) lived within a couple of hours of here).  I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Yes, it is common for it to feel more painful as the shock wears off, support dries up, reality sets in, but rest assured, our grief evolves and will not stay in this intensity of pain, the edges will soften and it will be more bearable in time...it does take quite a while though.

[Brian_L]

5 minutes ago, KayC said:

Yes, it is common for it to feel more painful as the shock wears off, support dries up, reality sets in, but rest assured, our grief evolves and will not stay in this intensity of pain, the edges will soften and it will be more bearable in time...it does take quite a while though.

Pretty much right after the celebration of life most of my support vanished. I understand that they must be tired of hearing how bad I feel and how much I'm struggling. I know that they have their own lives to deal with.
I really do feel totally lost. I'm completely out of my depths here.
Still haven't started seeing a counselor. Hoping it will help when I finally get around to it. Haven't felt motivated to do anything though. My life is a mess right now.

 

Thank you, It's comforting to know that others have been through similar and I'm not totally alone

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, Brian_L said:

I just counted that it's been 46 days now, but the time that has elapsed seems irrelevant. I know that everyone grieves differently, but is it common for it to just get more painful as time passes? I just feel like it's more painful and difficult every day. I just miss her more all the time.

In the course of grief, 46 days is but the blink of an eye, a single breath.  You're right that the length of time is irrelevant. 

The answer is that yes, for a while you will probably feel worse and your grief will be more painful.  I think in part it's because the shock starts to wear off and we realize we are staring down a dark road that we now walk alone, instead of being on the light and happy path we walked with our soul mate.  I urge you not to look too far forward at this point (or ever really).  The cliche of "one day" at a time is true, but it can be one hour and even one minute.

I'm a bit more than a year into my grief journey and can tell you that I miss my husband every bit as much today as I did that first morning I woke in a cold and lonely house.  But the knife edges of my pain have softened a little.  Instead of constant, unrelenting agony, I have moments, hours at a time even, where I can smile with a friend or spend time with family and even laugh.  The biggest help for me, besides finding this forum, has been that I have a small, tight circle of people who are there for me, who encourage me to talk about my husband and our life, and who also include him as part of the conversation, rather than acting as if he never existed or as if he would "want" me to "move on."

Truthfully, for several months I tried to "put on the brave face" in public as society expects.  A few months ago I realized it was making things harder and more painful for me.  Grief and loss are uncomfortable, scary things that most people seem to prefer to pretend don't exist.  They are uncomfortable with our grief, so we're supposed to hide it for their benefit.  Yeah, that's just flat wrong.  I told my circle that while I don't intend to be a puddle of tears on the floor all day, I was no longer going to hide my pain and might just fall apart in front of them from time to time.  I had already kicked a couple of people out of my life who acted as if my husband never existed at all.  I commend you for being able to express you grief and your emotions in public right from the start.  I should have realized that the people who love me would  want to hold me up and the people who can't deal with it would disappear regardless.

It's very common for people to drift or even run away after the first few weeks or months.  We are a vivid reminder that this could happen to them.  I think there's also an element of "Well, we've done our duty.  Time to get back to our own intact lives."  People so often don't know what to say or do, so they disappear instead of figuring out that "I'm sorry.  I love you." can be enough.

As for your Michelle's mother, there is no excuse.  Period.  She sounds like a real piece of work.  She didn't even raise her daughter, yet somehow you are the one who doesn't know Michelle and who isn't "special" in her life?  Oh screw that.  I bet she said these things intending to hurt you.  I don't care how anyone tries to justify it by claiming "we all grieve differently."  While it's true that loss like this does bring out the worst in some people, it doesn't turn them into something they weren't already.  I'd bet money is part of it.  I'd also bet that her mother was embarrassed by your clear expressions of grief and love because (1) they took away from her being the center of attention as the grieving mother ("You didn't greet me right away at an event you didn't even want to attend") and (2) she felt it was a reflection of her own lack of parenting.  She's obviously controlling in many ways.

Surely you have legal recourse for her mother throwing away, selling, or denying you your personal possessions?  You may not feel it's worth it and only you can make that decision.  But is it possible that it might help you to do it?

I'm so sorry you're dealing with so much pain and such horrible behavior from Michelle's family.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, foreverhis said:

While it's true that loss like this does bring out the worst in some people, it doesn't turn them into something they weren't already.

 

17 hours ago, foreverhis said:

they took away from her being the center of attention as the grieving mother

If she hadn't raised her, perhaps she was jealous because you established relationship with her daughter while she had neglected to,  Her motivations really don't matter, what it boils down to is she is not supportive and you don't need toxic people in your life, now especially.

I had to conclude the same thing about George's family...not so much for myself but for HIM...his dad called and badmouthed him to me, without basis, and I called him out on it...told him to call when he had something GOOD to say...he never did.  This same man didn't even bother attending his funeral, even though offered a ride.  George was a wonderful son, but I can't say his dad was a wonderful father, he wasn't.

I had the same experience as you, Brian, with "support".  I've seen this same scenario play out over and over with those grieving.  One of our couple friends disappeared on me right away...a few years later the guy was widowed himself and had the audacity to hit on me!  I didn't stand for that...a short few years later he too was dead.  I made a donation to his kids but could not attend his funeral.

[Ande]

On 7/29/2019 at 4:39 PM, Brian_L said:

I feel like time has stopped and I am stuck here

I know exactly what you’re talking about.  It’s something like I fell overboard and now I’m just floating here watching the boat get farther and farther away.  If that makes any sense, know that there are some people out here that are treading water too.  

I can’t say I know exactly everything you feel, but I can say that I understand the pain you are in, and I’ve felt my own, I’m still feeling it.  I don’t know what will happen or if its going to get better for either of us, but I just want you to know that you aren’t as alone as you may feel.  

Im really sorry that this happened.  I hope you continue to dig deep and find the strength you need; talking about it seems to help. This is a good place to come and get your thoughts out, there is a degree of comfort knowing that someone will read about my struggle and truly understand.

Also, forget about her mom dude.  She sounds like a really negative person and you don’t need that.  

Peace my man.   

[JoyR]

I will keep you in my prayers